LOL!!! Have a very happy Martha Stewart Christmas.

[applegrove]

Martha Stewart Christmas Plans:



December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.



December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.



December 3

Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.



December 4

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.



December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.



December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.



December 7

Debug WindowsNT.



December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.



December 11

Lay Faberge egg.



December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.



December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.



December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.



December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.



December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.



December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.



December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.



December 21

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.



December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.



December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.



December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.



December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.



December 26

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.



December 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of God.



December 31

New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country

[Kali]

1. ...

:rofl:

I almost didn't read this because I thought it was going to be serious! stealing and forwarding

my Aunt was the ORIGINAL Martha Stewart when I was growing up.

I will never forget the really expensive dining table she bought and then paid a decorator to "distress" so it would fit in their "rustic" brand new home they built. OMG distressing a brand new table. All she needed to do was let her bum son have a tequila party and she could have had the same finish for under $50:rofl:

[applegrove]

2. This is an old christmas post from years and years ago. I remembered it and looked it up

online. Took me about 5 minutes to find it.

[applegrove]

3. Shameless kick.

[tinkerbell41]

4. When I first became a Mom

I drove myself insane trying to imagine how in the hell I could possibly do all this shit.
I was exhausted trying to figure out how to keep up. I finally put the Martha books down.

[applegrove]

5. I've heard Martha Stewart described as "porn for women" and it certainly

is true that too much of it can warp your life just like real porn can. I mean if you have some free time to do MS projects why not just play with your kids instead. You are so right. Anyway I like this MS list because it is so funny to make fun of and uberperfectionist like her.

Welcome to the DU!:hi:

[tinkerbell41]

6. Thanks!

I was an uberperfectionist, except the hitch was, I'd be off to the next thing before I'd finished the first. It is porn, I can remember the crazy feelings I got, the excitement, oh jesus my life is much more relaxed now.

[applegrove]

7. That is the greatest gift you can give your kids.. to be growing and evolving and trying

new stuff when the old patterns are not working.

[tinkerbell41]

8. You said it!!