Just discovered my 14 yr old is experimenting with pot. Do I inform on her best friend?

[riderinthestorm]

8th grade. My daughter has a new boyfriend and his group is doing it, so she's gotten sucked in. She'll face her consequences and we'll muddle along and figure this out but I have a dilemma.

Her "best friend" introduced her to this boy. And since my daughter has now lost ALL her privileges, I've gone through her Facebook and cell messages and discovered her best friend is even more into drugs than my experimenting daughter (she's a regular user and has been for quite some time). Furthermore, her "best friend" has sent my daughter links on how to be a "pro bulemic", and how to "binge and purge successfully" etc.

I am more than good acquaintances with this girl's parents. We are fairly close neighbors (as close as farmers can be). We see them socially and actually like them quite a bit. I am quite certain of this information about their daughter since I've read it myself in my daughter's quite candid messages.

Do I inform them? FWIW, I'd want to know. I've said it to my husband that if the tables were turned, I'd want to know. While the pot usage is pretty bad for 8th grade, the bulemia worries me more for this girl but both would be something I'd definitely want to know about. My husband disagrees. He believes they should find it out themselves. He thinks I should let them know that I've discovered our daughter is experimenting and leave a heavy pause to implicate their daughter.

Thoughts?

[pitohui]

1. i don't see how you can keep this secret, you have to tell

if the parents are shitty and don't believe you and act like your daughter is making up the whole story...so be it...but i don't see how you can be "good neighbor" of someone and not tell them that their 14 yr old daughter is known to be pro-mia and prob. using drugs as well

mia plus drugs is a very bad situation for anybody's health, it can kill

if you don't tell, it's kind of lying to that "good neighbor" and you can't really claim to be much of a friend to them, can you?

your husband doesn't wanna get involved, and i don't blame him, but if you really care abt this family, i don't see how you can just say nothing

what you CAN do is say something ONE TIME and then never raise the issue again unless THEY bring it up...that's how i would handle it

[virgogal]

2. Definitely tell the parents. This is serious business.

[DeadEyeDyck]

3. That is too young

CDC has just released studies that smoking pot that young can do serious and permanent damadge. Do them a favor and blow this whistle.

[elocs]

35. That's a message that our own set of deniers who believe that pot is harmless don't want to hear.

Our deniers, like the climate change deniers, will proudly dismiss and refuse to even consider any studies or research that do not line up with their preconceived and unshakable beliefs.

Even mental health experts who do not support marijuana use will say that it is best to delay using pot until age 21 or so because their brains are still developing. Marijuana, like alcohol, should at least be restricted to adult use.

[DeadEyeDyck]

39. I am not some prude

I am under 25. I smoke at parties but not everyday. Anything that remaps you perception of reality has to have later effects. We store and live off of those memories.

[mikita]

4. I think I'd probably tell them....

really the worst thing that could happen after that is that they're so mad at you that they don't let your daughter hang out with theirs anymore.

The best would be that they'll be glad to know, and be able to help their daughter.

[elleng]

5. Yes.

Sorry.

[ismnotwasm]

6. Yes

Kids are kids and need guidance with choices, to do that, parents need information. I think you can find a discreet way to do it, your husbands way isn't bad, because the girl is going to deny it, the parents may believe her and it could get awkward to say the least. You might suggest the same route to information you used, cell messages, face book etc.

[Duer 157099]

7. I'd be much more concerned about the bulemia than the pot

And yes, I'd definitely tell the parents, wouldn't hesitate at all.

[LynneSin]

28. I would have to agree but the OP made it seem the girl is doing other drugs too

Best she finds out now while it's only pot

[Odin2005]

8. Absolutely.

[JTG of the PRB]

9. Tell them.

I'm all in favor of marijuana being legalized and all that, but 8th grade is WAY too young for that crap. Way, way, WAY too young. The bulimia is the truly scary part. Talk to your daughter, and tell your neighbors. You'll be do thing them all a favor by stopping this quickly.

[seabeyond]

10. i KNOW.... lol. love it. since you are friends with the parents you tell them that YOUR daughter

has been experiementing with post and some of the other issues adn the group the kids are hanging out in and thet YOUR daughter has lost ALL previliges and going thru the stuff found out a whole LOT of stuff.

see where the parent goes with it and if they want info. wouldnt you be saying to the parent.... tell me all. what is mY daughter up to. but you are leaving it to the parent and just sharing the experience with your daughter adn not being a snitch.

[riderinthestorm]

12. Heh, This is EXACTLY the tact my husband wants to take.

Just put it out there about OUR daughter, and leave that big silent pause..... If the bulimia stuff wasn't there too, I'd probably agree. But the eating disorder stuff has got me completely freaked out.

Pot smoking experimentation (usage?) is less crazy-making than the eating disorder. And of course my daughter is catching all sorts of hell for the lying!!

GRRR!

[riderinthestorm]

11. Thanks everyone. I discovered my daughter and her boyfriend smoking tonight

in the loft of one of my barns. Smoking in general is strictly prohibited in any barn but I came across the tell tale odor wafting my way when I went to check on an old mare whose hoof is abcessing, who lives in the shed on the "back forty" as it were.

Many tears, and a couple of hours of discussion have ensued (she's only been seeing this boy for 2 weeks!), lots of talk of choices and responsibility blah, blah, blah. But the past hour has delivered a real shocker for me as I discovered what her best friend has been doing via these text messages and facebook messages. I've only gone back through about 3 months so far but it's pretty damn hard to read these.

FWIW, I am in favor of legalization. In fact, my daughter knows that I support legalization and that I believe it will happen in her lifetime. She's in deep shit for succombing to peer pressure, for lying to me, for putting our business, our horses, our barns in jeopardy, for experimenting THIS early etc. etc. All of this we'll get through.

My dilemma was with her friend. I appreciate ALL of your input. I'll call her friends' mom in the morning. What a long and stressful night this has been and like I said, I'm only about 3 months into her personal messages. Sigh.

[LisaL]

24. Even if pot is legalaized one of these days, I think it's a safe

bet it won't be legal for minors. And of course bulimia is something that can lead to severe consequences for a teenager.

[HEyHEY]

13. Narc

You would if you caught them drinking, wouldn't you?

[RandomThoughts]

14. function not data.

There is a thought with many groups, that it is telling on someone, or like a prison break, and needs to be secret.


That is actually created to keep things hiding and quiet, so they can't get out. That is part of the prison, and backwards.

I understand that concept, some think some posts or songs would be 'telling' on rescue squads. The thing is, why would they be singing it loud for everyone to here when they get out.

They want the others to know there is a way out, especially those that thought they were alone.


that 'keeping it secret' part seems backwards, thought a long time on that. It is also in the Good Will Hunting show. Where he says if he broke codes he might get someone hurt. That is from the concept that bad is stronger, and after much thought, that does not add up. They are not codes, you just have to see many of the pieces to see how they fit together. Although there is some label trap, and some bias so the singer it also makes sense to the singers and people listening. Multiple messages are not codes, but for multiple effects, if anything it is efficiency.

[Kali]

15. 8th grade was when everybody in my area was starting

sex too - make sure they are using condoms

I'm with you on the bulimia stuff - MUCH scarier and more dangerous than weed

husband's idea/approach sounds reasonable to me

smoking in barns is grounds for SERIOUS punishment/slavery}(

[riderinthestorm]

32. Dragged her ass out at 6:15 am Kali.

While that shed has a limited hay storage, there are still about 150 bales in there. It makes me crazy she did that!! Yes, every day this week until school starts next week, she's going to work hard. She knows that if she offers even one teensy HINT of a complaint that she gets another week of grounding added on. I told her that I am ITCHING to add on more punishment and that I would welcome the opportunity to have her glued to my side for a very, very long time.... I was still damn pissed/shocked/horrified/scared when I woke up this am. The morning work has taken the edge off and I'm hopeful we can have a convo tonight that won't be too ugly....

[revolution breeze]

16. Not only would I tell the parents,

if I were friends with the parents of the girls circle of friends, I would let other parents know that there has been pro bulemia talk among the group (without naming names). When I developed my eating disorder, I was not alone. There was a group of six girls along with me who had "discovered" a quick way to "fit in our size zeros". We looked great, totally skinny with great mall hair but we were a mess. I was lucky, I got early intervention, my friend Gayle lost the enamel on the inside of her teeth (purging) and developed a severe heart condition which took her life.

[revolution breeze]

17. BTW, the pot,

I would let "best friends" parents know. Let them deal with it as they deem appropriate. If there was fear of abuse, I would say no but since you have a good relationship, talking to them will help. I see you are for legalization, but I am certain you feel 14 is just too young.

[MrsBrady]

18. of course you should tell them.

who cares if they are mad or not. you will sleep at night knowing you did the right thing.
Teenagers don't think they want to be protected, but they need it. I was not protected as a teen.
They will hate you later if you don't try to help them now.

and...just because pot should or should not be legalized is kind of irrelevant.

The fact is, right now it IS illegal. And not to mention the health and behavioral consequences at her age...

really she could get into a load of legal trouble if caught. and so could her friend.

I would come down hard core, but that's just me.
If you haven't been hard core up until now, then this is going to be really a trip. (I'm not accusing you. I don't know you...just saying.)

Also, I would be worried about her getting pregnant, too. Clearly her judgement should be in question.
That's not saying she's a stupid girl. Frankly, the brain at that age has not a fully developed sense of consequences.

I found these
http://www.mentorfoundation.org/brain.php?nav=4-160
http://www.parade.com/news/2010/11/28-inside-the-teenage-brain.html

good luck and *hugs* -- the lounge is a great place for hugs, and ear and to vent...but you already knew that. keep us updated, and more hugs.

[pacalo]

19. Been there, done that. When I discovered my younger son was doing it

in grade school with his friends, I called his best friend's mom, thinking she'd want to know. Her attitude was "boys will be boys"; she didn't show any surprise, in fact.

I always thought the woman's manner was off-kilter, but years later I learned the reason behind it. The husband/father, I learned, had not been laid off at his good job, but had been fired due to cocaine use. They had 4 children, the oldest was in middle school at the time.

Many, many battles with my younger son, who moved on to weird things like cold medicines, Dramamine, other OTC medications. My husband & I, despite all the efforts we made to steer my son in a better direction, got the brunt of my son's group of friends' years of adolescent fun. Our son was diagnosed as schizophrenic a year after high school graduation. My son admitted to me years later that someone had given him LSD. Psychiatrists have all told me drugs don't cause schizophrenia, that it's genetic (my husband's oldest sister has it), but I've known of quite a few in my life who became schizophreic after having used heavy drugs.

I'm all for privacy, but once you've learned that your daughter has been dabbling with marijuana, it's not unreasonable to discreetly search her room often to be on the lookout for the dangerous, mind-altering drugs. Once you've confronted your daughter, it's up to her to win your trust back.

And, btw, I'd rather have marijuana legalized, frankly, because if it were legal it would be safer & regulated. It would be no worse than alcohol. But one never knows what's in marijuana when it's illegal, there's big money to be made in selling it, & so, therefore, sellers could possibly stretch the quantity by adding who-knows-what to it.

I hope you have much better luck with your daughter.

:hug:

[tigereye]

22. very sensible advice

It is so tough to deal with these mental health, drug and alcohol issues, but it has to be done- kids are parents' responsibility and we as parents simply have to cope with whatever comes up.


:hug:

[pacalo]

26. Thanks, tigereye.

:hug:

It really, really is. The fact that we did everything you can imagine to prevent him from hurting himself & that it was us who were punished is a hard pill to swallow.

[SteppingRazor]

30. Schizophrenia is, without a doubt, genetic. But...

environmental factors can play a part in its onset. So, in a sense, you're both right. There's no way someone without the gene is going to turn schizophrenic gobbling acid. It's just not possible. But someone who could become a schizophrenic might suffer from the disease earlier and more severely if they use powerful hallucinogens. On the other hand, LSD showed some promise as a therapeutic drug for schizophrenics who have already manifested symptoms before the government made it a controlled substance, so who's to say?


Anyway, this is all kinda tangential to the OP. My advice there is that pot is something you should definitely deal with with your own kid, but I don't necessarily think you have to get other kids involved if you know they're smoking. Bulimia, though, is a totally different story. If you suspect a neighbor's kid is bulimic, you should tell them before she kills herself.

[pacalo]

36. You're right...

about the gene being the main factor, but after what I went through with my son & what I've seen (& husband has seen) of other people who became schizophrenic, I'm not convinced by what doctors told us about drugs not being a factor.

One important factor I wanted to point out to riders-in-the-storm was how kids get caught up in the "fun" & could possibly move on to OTC drugs because they're legal, easy to get, & easier to explain when they're caught with them (in the beginning). I looked up some of the items found in my son's room &, sure enough, there was a current fad of abusing these medicines going on, & there was a risk of brain damage when abused. With all that I found in my son's room, time after time, I can't be convinced they weren't a factor.

[riderinthestorm]

34. Thanks Pacala. You've really walked this walk already.

We're hauling a horse to NY in two weeks and my older girl is coming home to handle the barn while we're gone. She's got instructions to go through her room while we're gone. I did a very cursory search this morning during a lull in chores but I don't have the same intimate knowledge as my older girl who shared the room with her for 6 months. So we'll see.

And you are absolutely right. My daughter has broken that trust. She knows that very clearly as that was about the only coherent thing I managed to say last night before demanding her phone and passwords for facebook and email.

I am truly very sorry to hear about your son. But am grateful for your wise words. Peace and a :hug: back at you.

[liberaltrucker]

20. Bulemia and pot would seem to be mutually exclusive

Cannabis isn't a big deal. Bulemia definitely IS. My thoughts?
Deal with your daughter as rational parents. And, by all means
schedule a meeting with her "friend's" parents. Discreetly, of
course. Good luck.

:hug:

[LisaL]

25. Mutually exclusive?

"Increasing dieting severity was positively associated with increasing prevalence of alcohol, cigarette, and marijuana use and with increasing frequency and intensity of alcohol use."
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1294277

[applegrove]

21. I would tell them. I would say their daughter is teaching bulemia and all about drugs.

Give her parents a fighting chance to send their daughter on a better path.

[Blue-Jay]

23. I'm assuming that a beaker, some test tubes, and a lab coat are involved?

[LynneSin]

27. Yes you have to. Because it seems this girl is influencing others. And as for your daughter

If you have On-Demand - part of her punishment is to make her watch back episodes of "Intervention" on A&E. Trust me, seeing these kids and their wretched lives from using hardcore drugs will scare anyone straight.

As for smoking pot, let's hope that's all it is. And let her know that as an adult she can make these decisions but until then she has to abide by your rules. I realize pot is pretty harmless but it seems she's mixed up in a crowd that is willing to take their drug experimentation to the next level.

[thirtiesgirl]

29. School counselor perspective:

Yes, tell them. I've worked with middle school and high school kids for years and have often had to make that uncomfortable call to parents. But the parents definitely need to know. And it's better if it's coming from another parent rather than school staff, at least in my experience. I think the parents will take it more seriously and react more quickly when it comes from another parent. Sometimes they tend to blow off school staff members and don't want to believe us.

[riderinthestorm]

31. Morning update... I talked to the girl's mother this morning.

She wasn't mad. She totally believed me. She was calm and we had a great conversation, agreeing to work together to help BOTH girls....

She actually was suspicious of her daughter with the drug use AND the bulimia because of a couple of things:
1. Her daughter had taken to burning incense during the past 3 months, with the windows open (this is northern Illinois so windows open in the middle of winter is obviously suspicious).
2. She found a plastic bag of vomit in the garbage a couple of weeks ago. She questioned both her daughters, the one that I called her about admitted it was hers but said she felt sick and just didn't make it to the bathroom that day. Since then she found another bag of vomit in the trash... so her alarm bells were already ringing.

She told her husband at the time that she believed their daughter may have a problem but he blew it off. She's now obviously feeling as though there's enough evidence with what I've discovered to push him into some action. I've told her my door is open for them to come over to my house and sift through ALL of my daughter's messages - whatever she needs to do to convince her husband that their daughter needs help.

As for me, I've calmed down and believe I can actually hold a conversation with my own daughter today that won't have me saying hideous things to her. I dragged her ass out of bed this morning at 6:15 am and she's been helping in the barn ALL morning. She'll be dead tired today, tomorrow, the next day until school resumes next week. She's got a pretty clear understanding of the level of wrong that's been done but she also knows that because of the bulimia links from her friend that she's going to stay close to me this week while we figure out what's going on with her. She swears that she's only tried pot a couple of times with this new boyfriend (who I believe will soon be an ex-new boyfriend) and this group of friends. Her messages appear to back her up but who knows. I'm not taking anything for granted.

Thanks for all your kind words and please know your posts definitely pushed me into talking to my friend about our girls and her girl in particular. Any waffling I felt disappeared with your encouragement. My friends reaction has me feeling grateful and strangely enough, more hopeful than I felt last night. I guess misery loves company?? Regardless, it feels good to have another ally - that whole "it takes a village to raise a child" sort of thing.

[kimi]

33. I'm glad this worked out for you.

I wish that my parents had taken my drug use and bulimia seriously when I was about your daughter's age. I might not have made so many lousy choices later in life.

Best wishes. You've done the best thing, you care.

[quickesst]

37. yeah, something should be said....

...but, let me also say that anyone who is stupid enough to believe that smoking post is injurious to anyone has to produce some proof of such. I don't believe that fourteen year olds should be smokin pot. It's one of those things that should be made, as a decision, by someone who is a legal adult. Parenting has a lot to do with this, as I have a son who has experimented, and had a few drinks in his life, but is a Major in the Air Force, up for another promotion as I type this. Anyone on here that thinks smoking pot at fourteen, or forty will produce any sort of illness, or wooooooo, death is an idiot. Please, and I'm begging someone to produce some certified data or research where smokin pot has resulted in death. PLEASE!!!! You can't, and I don't want to wade through shit like "well, they had this disease, or that condition, and blame smoking pot on their demise. Don't blow smoke up my ass. I won't buy it, and neither will any other logical/intelligent person here. So far, in my 58 years on this earth have I ever heard of a death caused by the use of cannibas. Prove me wrong. Thanks.
quickesst

[elocs]

38. Here's a very simple message: smoking pot is illegal

and getting caught can have criminal consequences that can follow you for years. That's bad enough for minors, but just imagine an 18 year old who is holding just enough marijuana to be busted for dealing. Now imagine how fun it will be for years having to explain away a drug conviction on your job applications. Then imagine your surprise when you are looking forward to visiting that foreign country which will now not allow you entry because of a drug conviction. Life is about choices and consequences, so as long as pot is illegal you get to decide if the consequences are worth the recreational use of the drug to get high.

Even if pot is someday made legal or decriminalized it's not going to be made retroactive for past convictions.

A 14 year old's brain is till developing and they should not be using alcohol, marijuana, or any other mind altering drugs, legal or not. Your daughter's best friend's parents should be clued in one way or the other.

[cherish44]

40. That's it exactly

Bottom line it's illegal...whether is should be legal or not is a matter of debate but at this moment in time it's illegal and could cause a lot of problems both legal and personal. I know as a parent I'd want to know if my daughter was smoking pot so I do think telling the best friend's parents is the right thing to do. Your daughter will probably be mad but parenting isn't always pretty and fun