Holiday horror stories, want to hear mine?

[hedgehog]

Here's the scenario: My in-laws and parents live about 3 hours drive away. In recent years, we've generally stayed with my parents because we had all the kids with us and my folks had several spare bedrooms. Now, I have to admit, I prefer not to stay with the in-laws. My two brothers-in-law get upset over having their lives disrupted by guests, and play out a passive-aggressive drama the entire time to let us know about it. Of course, they have to compete with my MIL's performance of how much extra work she's doing. To keep things interesting, MIL and both BIL nag and berate my FIL over every little thing. Also, they never have approved on my husband leaving home to marry me. Spending the day with them is enough face time for me. However, my mother recently passed on, my MIL has been pressuring my husband to stay with her, and they're all getting older. Four of the kids have their own homes near-by now, so there would only be four of us staying over. We also figured it would be easier on my Dad not to have to play host this time, and it would make my husband's parents happy.

So, we get there and find out that my father-in-law has the "flu". Not only that, but my MIL and two BIL also had had the flu. It looked to me like a bad cold, and I was thinking we could have postponed the trip to allow everyone to feel better. This morning, after my husband, daughter and son all woke up with upset stomachs, we found out that the "flu" was actually a stomach bug. We drove home, but my husband is now in bed with a fever and my daughter is trying to decide whether to cancel her annual New Year's Eve sleep over. I'm leaning toward telling her to re-schedule since I sure don't want to pass this on. Right now I'm more than a little pissed that my husband's family didn't ask us to show up next week when everyone was feeling better.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear hedgehog!

What a lovely and thoughtful family you have........not!

I'm sorry to hear that your family now has the stomach bug, thanks to your in-laws...

I hope your daughter realizes that having the sleep-over would be a poor decision, in light of everyone's illness.

Happy New Year anyway!

:P

[hedgehog]

3. Yep - she's going to cancel in the morning. It's an occasion for high

school buds to get together, so I think she'll have them over next week-end. I'm a little ticked, I only get paid when I work, so I hope I don't get sick. My son's girl friend works retail, so she needs to be at work to get paid, but on the other hand did she already expose umpteen people at her job today? I also have a daughter who is planning on a 8 hour drive in a rental van to a new job Sunday. I hope she escapes this bug!

[MrsBrady]

2. one year my grandmother was sick

and said "DON'T COME"

yes we were disappointed, but none of us got sick either....so rude of your family. *hugs*

i feel 'ya.

[applegrove]

4. One year I asked my parents if we could go skiing over the holidays. When I got home

it had been decided that I would go skiing with my mom and my sister. I got along better with the men in my family at the time. But I went anyway. Only to find out when we got there that my sister had brought only cross country skis and my mom too. I only brought downhill skis. On the morning of the first day I started to feel sick. I spent the whole two days sick though I did manage a few runs by myself. One of those trips where you think "Why?". "Why'd I bother to suggest a trip?".

[pinboy3niner]

5. One year we flew from the D.C. area to visit my mother in L.A.

My younger brother had also flown in with his wife, all of us staying at Mom's, and all went well until my son mouthed off to my SIL and she braced him up against the kitchen cabinets. When I told her to never lay hands on my son again, there was a row, and I left, with my wife and son, to check into a motel.

My brother called me there to say that, despite the conflict, he didn't want this to come between us, and that we should always remain in touch, no matter what.

I lost my little brother suddenly this year, but that long-ago phone call was one of many reasons for which I always admired and respected him.

[begin_within]

6. Why go there at all?

Seems like the negatives far outweigh the positives at that place.

[hedgehog]

10. I go because these are the people my husband calls family.

I wish I could help them, I really do. They've been working away at being miserable as long as I've known them. They do all the things you're supposed to do, like give Christmas presents and come to family events like graduations and such, but they are afraid to celebrate anything. I really feel bad for my husband as his family ages, and I worry what my two brothers-in-law will do when the parents pass on.

[Skittles]

7. I'm glad I don't have to deal with any of that shit

I think family life is highly overrated

[davsand]

8. I wonder, is there is ever a good relationship with inlaws

I am sorry your inlaws are such an issue for you. I dunno if it helps to hear it or not, but you are not alone in your distaste for your spouse's family.

I am not gonna go into a lot of detail or even any history (lest it piss me off all over again) but my husband's family has been a source of anger and angst for over 15 years. Always when I'd try and talk to my husband about it he'd say, "That is just how _____ is. You'll just have to deal with it."

I had an episode with my FIL this fall that was just beyond the pale. To put it in the condensed form, he took it upon himself to lecture me on the proper use of a bathroom fan. What made it just SO disgusting was the way he acted while he was doing it--like he was REALLY getting off on it. I'll never forget him talking about "the smell of Poo-Poo in the hallway..." It was an offensive experience that defies my ability to describe it.

I finally realized that there IS no reason to go there and leave upset. I finally realized my husband will never take my side in any of this, nor will he ever say word one to his father to call him out for being a boorish pig. It just ain't gonna happen in this life. I finally realized that is just how he is, and I have to DEAL with it.

So I did.

I have refused to go back to that house. I told my husband he can go and stay as long as he wants, but I will not be going along, and that is JUST HOW I AM, SO FUCKING DEAL WITH IT."

My holidays have been completely relaxed since that decision, and frankly, I am less angry with my husband because I no longer expect him to do anything to stand up to his family. I swear to you, it was a breakthrough for me.

Peace to you, and I hope you all feel better soon.

:hug:



Laura

[pacalo]

9. Another sister in the same 'hood -- I made the same decision years ago.

I adored my MIL the first few years of marriage, despite seeing in her what I thought was a mild case of buttinsky-nosiness every now & then.

Then, 5 years later, my husband borrowed $10,000 for a down-payment on our home (we paid it back in 2 years), & she started behaving like she owned me after we moved within a couple of miles from her. Catty remarks & probing questions were never directed at her son, but at me. My husband's attitude was like your husband's -- I can't do anything about it; if you show her it bothers you, she'll keep it up. That was something I didn't know before I married him, & to have had it pop up & change the family dynamics after 5 years of having had a good first impression was unsettling -- & I didn't have my husband's help in dealing with her.

But she learned something about me: I don't put up with petty behavior, & I don't see the point in attending family get-togethers if all one gets out of it is stress. I stopped attending, which was fair because my husband didn't want to interfere, & I know I made the right choice.

Edited (I posted before I finished): many years later, my MIL & I made peace & she behaved like the MIL I knew in the first years of my marriage. I never felt the same affection for her, though.

[hedgehog]

11. I feel bad about my MIL. SHe just never wanted any of her sons to marry and leave home.

I learned to deal with her by looking past her. I'm not happy about that, it's just that that's the only way I know to protect myself. Now that she's getting old and frail, I sometimes think she'd like to change things, bt I have no idea how to go about it.

[pacalo]

12. If she seems like she's trying, that's a good start!

In time, maybe it'll come naturally for you to embrace it. Right now, after having been conditioned to feel a certain way, it must seem like she's made an abrupt u-turn, but it's a good sign that she may have regrets about her behavior, don't you think? My mom told me once about blended families, "Sometimes you have to be a good actress."

My MIL taught me a good lesson in how to treat a DIL. I never ask ridiculously nosy questions, don't butt into their lives (physically or verbally), offer advice (unless I'm asked); & I keep my opinions about how they do things to myself unless they're positive comments. And every time I see my DIL, I hug her & tell her that I love her (oh, I do!).

[hedgehog]

13. Sounds like your DIL is a lucky woman!