Note to self: If the wife tells you that her best friend has just joined Weight Watchers,

[Itchinjim]

don't let the first words out of your mouth be: "Oh, you should join with her!"
Oy!

[Curmudgeoness]

1. Totally pathetic that you need a note. Oy! nt

[Brigid]

2. Yikes!

You really stepped into that one, didn't you? :rofl:

[cloudbase]

3. If you're not an

engineer, you at least think like one.

[krispos42]

7. Oh, I haven't thought about this in YEARS

FASCINATION WITH WIDGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
(1) things that need to be fixed, and
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Et cetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS: * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person not to stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. --

I think I got it in an email 11 years ago. :-)

[givemebackmycountry]

10. I work with and manage a slew of engineers, and I have discovered the key to managing them.

Once or twice a month I spring for a pizza feast, and I've discovered that seven or eight Pappa John's large, makes me a hero.
When they least excpect it, I send a tech on a Wendy's Frosty run.
When they come back with a couple of trays of Wendy's best?
They love me.
I'm not saying they respect me, but they love me, and that's all that matters.

:7

[krispos42]

13. Oh yeah, you've got it nailed.

So.... where's my pizza???

[MiddleFingerMom]

4. What year was this... and have there been any "marital relations' since? n/t

[Skittles]

5. tell me you're kidding, Itchinjim

WTF - fucking egregious

SCHEDULING Itchinjim FOR ASS KICKING

[petronius]

6. I hope the next words were along the lines of "to support her, because

she really needs the help" or something like that. 'Cause otherwise, well, I don't even want to contemplate the otherwise... :scared:

[krispos42]

8. You've been ambushed!

"Oh, you should join with her!" ->

"Really? She doesn't look overweight at all." ->

"That's a surprise. She's in pretty good shape already." ->

"Great! I found this 'no application fee' coupon in the paper last month. You should use it!" ->


The only safe reply is "So what does her husband think about this?". This gives you time to think of a way to escape while she answers.

:-)

[cherokeeprogressive]

9. True Story here...

New love interest. First weekend away. We had been talking about moving in together...

We went to Mammoth, CA during the wintertime to spend the weekend at a condo owned by a friend of mine. The condo had an indoor jacuzzi and the first night we were there, we made a pitcher of Margaritas, and took advantage of the water, bubbles, and each other.

She got out of the jacuzzi to fill her glass. As she was stepping out, apropos of nothing, I said "hey I have a Bowflex machine we can setup when we move in..."

Last date, and needless to say, we didn't move in together.

I didn't mean anything by it. She swore I was looking at her ass when I mentioned I had workout equipment. I wasn't.

[petronius]

14. Using "but I wasn't looking at your ass!" in that context was also a deal-breaker

Tragic tale...

[Yavin4]

11. See, This Is Why Husbands Need A Lawyer Present Whenever They Talk With Their Wives

Each sentence coming from a wife needs to be vetted and a proper response prepared.

[madinmaryland]

17. No shit. I don't know how many times I have shit thrown back in my face

that I said months ago.

Damn! That is so true!

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

12. Sometimes the best response is a simple grunt

or at most "uh-huh".

Then go find a project to work on in the basement.

Verbal communication can only lead to disaster, if you're an engineer.

:hi:

[Bake]

15. oh no you DIDINT!!!

Wow. That's gonna leave a mark ...

Bake

[whistler162]

16. Did the theme from MASH start running through your

thoughts immediately after that?

[burrfoot]

18. Ahh...in addition to engineers,

social workers/psychologists have a problem in the same vein.

A couple of days after a conversation with my (then) girlfriend (no longer, but not because of this) about how she sees herself as being different from her mother because she wants to be more self-sufficient rather than rely on being taken care of, she asked me to do something for her. Open something or help her answer or write something, not even anything major- and, being a well-trained "active listener and thoughtful communicator," I said something like "are you sure you want me to do that, 'cause I know we just talked about you doing things for yourself..."

:nuke:

I thought I was a) showing that I recalled our previous conversation and recognized that it was important to her, and
b) confirming my confidence in her ability to do whatever-it-was herself.

Turns out I was being an ass, and I needed to know that when she asked me to help with something she just wanted plain old help, not self-help.

Advice that makes great sense for kids and teenagers learning to develop their self esteem and independence, it turns out, is NOT good advice for a beautiful, capable, 27 year old. Sometimes we forget to turn off the "helping" voice.

Say lavvy.

:shrug: