Loose ends.

[Tobin S.]

After a fun and relaxing weekend I woke up this morning at 6 to prepare to go to work. I had a strong, negative emotion filling my head, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly.

I went outside for a smoke and as I sat there trying to figure out what the feeling was, it dawned on me. It wasn't the Monday blues. It wasn't hate, fear, or depression. I felt like I had been abandoned or neglected. It was totally at odds with what is going on in my life right now. This past month has been one of the happiest times in my life and I'm certainly not feeling neglected by my fiancee. We work the same hours and spend most of our free time together.

No, this was an old feeling from the darkness of my past, maybe going back to my early childhood. It just struck me how little I remember from before I was 20 years old. I was 20 during the onset of my illness. It's like my illness changed me so radically that I became a totally different person and the memories that did remain were someone else's, like a fictional character from a book maybe.

When I recognized what the feeling was I began to feel a strange sort of relief. I came in and told my fiancee that I'd had an epiphany. I don't have to feel like a neglected child anymore, starving for love. My insecurity, sadness, and pain have no place in my life now. I don't have to be stuck there desperately trying to figure out what's wrong. I can be free.

Who knows what might happen now? I'm becoming filled with the desire to create again. I've got an old six string that I've started picking again. I also have this computer and a word processing program. I am happy and optimistic. I've got a fresh, blank screen and an urge. This is where it all starts. I've created a new life for myself since last June. If I have the will and the ability to do that, what might be possible?

[redwitch]

1. Tobin S. you continue to make my heart glad!

Congratulations and thank you. :hug:

[Tobin S.]

5. Thanks redwitch

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear Tobin!

What might be possible? Anything.

I am so glad for you both!

Be free! Let your creativity flow forth, and let it take you where you've never been!

A fresh, blank screen and an urge...those are such good things. I've been there too, and I love how it feels.

Just do one thing...OK?

Take us along!

[Tobin S.]

6. Thanks Peggy

If any new stories from the road come out of me you guys will be the first to see them. :thumbsup:

[elleng]

3. This is wonderful to hear, Tobin!

We look forward to hearing about and learning from your experiences. You are VALUABLE!

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

7. Thanks, ellen

:hug:

[freshwest]

4. Pain is familiar and known, but your freedom lies in letting go. Great for your and your love.

Happy for you and thanks for telling us.

:loveya:

[Tobin S.]

8. Thanks, freshwest

:)

[Tikki]

9. One morning, about four months after I married...

and hundreds of miles away from that family, I just started dancing
and smiling and getting caught up in the joy of suddenly realizing
that I was just plain happy, happy and happy.

I have never forgotten that morning. :)

I am so happy for you and Jen.

Tikki

[hibbing]

10. Hey Tobin

Hi,
As always, an interesting post. We don't know each other at all, but I feel I know you from your posts. I have always enjoyed your true life stories from the road and have found them not only entertaining, but educational as well. I hope you will share whatever way your creativity expresses itself with us.

Keep on keepin' on, and as always, peace.

[kimi]

11. Ah, this warms my soul!

You have no idea, really. You found it (you found HER), it's possible for any of us.

Thanks for sharing.

[seabeyond]

12. i like your epiphany. hold onto it. tis true. nt

[JitterbugPerfume]

13. hang in there Tobin

after the recent death of my daughter my sister ( who also lost a daughter , years ago) said that when she gets "down" over it she watches a goofy comic movie and laughs at the silliness of it. She said that at first she felt funny about laughing at such a seriously NOT funny time, but it helped her cope.

You have to put the bad times in a secret place or they will rule your life. A bad ,abusive marriage and the loss of two of my children taught me that.

It sounds like you have a pretty good thing going for you, do not let the past ruin it .The past happened , you can not change that. All you can do is to put it in its rightful place

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

14. This sounds like great news, but

if you wake up your better half every time you have a 6am smoke-induced thought, you're gonna end up with your computer whacked up the side of your head.

And your narrative left out one fact: what exactly were you smoking?

:hi:

Good luck with your writing. It's entertaining, and not many people can write like that.

[jme0318]

15. I get up not long after he leaves....

so he TRIES to wake me up - most of the time I am just talking in my sleep... Poor guy!

[jme0318]

16. Toby - I love you....

You would need explosives to get rid of me!

[elleng]

17. ...

:thumbsup:
:hi:
:applause: