Match Game Story: "After Libby Lumberjack donated clothing to Goodwill, she ____ a receipt."

[Rabrrrrrr]

Rules of the game - ten words or more in the blank. Make it funny, make it sad, but mostly fill it with blood, horror, surrealism, or anything else that would shock a first-grade classroom if you were brazen enough to read to them. Write it like Dune or a Mamet play. Write it like Joyce or Lovecraft. Write it like Jackie Collins mixed with Hunter Thompson. I don't care - just do it well!

We haven't done one of these in a long, long time, so let's make this one worth the wait.

The creativity must flow!!!!

[Grantuspeace]

1. She axed for a receipt. n/t

Sorry. :)

[GreenPartyVoter]

2. Teehee

[Rabrrrrrr]

12. Very clever!

:patriot:

[Chan790]

3. Mine.

After Libby Lumberjack donated clothing to Goodwill, she decided it was nice to be "nice", you know, so she decided that she was going to do more nice things for people: she helped a blind man cross the street, she bought the homeless man outside 7-11 a hotdog, she read books to illiterate old people, she bedded unattractive people in efforts to improve their self-esteem, she egged the car of her best friend's evil ex-boyfriend, she stole money from her employer and gave it to poor people, she shoved a mopey guy down an elevator-shaft...after a long day of being "nice", she realized it was all for naught as she wouldn't be getting a tax-deduction because Goodwill never gave her a receipt.

[charlie and algernon]

4. OK, here goes:

After Libby Lumberjack donated clothing to Goodwill, she decided to browse the store. As she was checking out the paintings, her eyes wandered to a particular Thomas Kinkade painting. It was a glorious painting of a log cabin chapel, lit up brightly among the gently falling snow in a lush evergreen forest. She wasn't sure if it was the glowing cross, the lone evergreen wrapped in soft blue, yellow, and pink lights, or the horse drawn carriage pulling a family back home for eggnog and presents that really caught her eye, but she knew that she had to buy it.

She paid the $4.05 for the painting and took it home. As she was preparing to hang it over her red brick fireplace, she noticed the back corner was loose. She inspected it carefully and to her utmost surprise, there was another piece of paper behind the painting! Suddenly the glowing cross, the lone evergreen wrapped in soft blue, yellow, and pink lights, and the horse drawn carriage pulling a family back home for eggnog and presents lost all significance as she ripped into the painting to see what the mysterious document was. LO! To what did her eyes lay upon but an original 1858 nude drawing of President James Buchanan!

Her first thought was how fit the 15th President was! Her second thought was, "Holy shit! I wonder if that log cabin chapel was the President's sexual hideout?" The third thought, finally, was "hmm, I might be able to get some money for this."

So she hurried to the American History Museum of Omaha and immediately sold the painting for $23,789! Sure, it wasn't as much as she expected, but suddenly she was famous. She became known as the woman who found James Buchanan's nudie painting! The next month was a whirlwind of activity. She was a guest on every news show, on every early morning talk show, on every late late late talk show!

Soon all the attention began to wear on her as she began to drink. In one drunken bender, she spent all $23,789 on a set of Justin Beiber crystal dishware. The talk shows and the news shows stopped calling and she disappeared back into a life of anonymity.

Five years later, she felt she was FINALLY over the disaster of James Buchanan's nudie painting. One afternoon, she was standing in line at the Omaha Starbucks waiting to order a mocha frappachino. Just as she was contemplating whether or not to order a slice of pumpkin bread, the man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Hey, aren't you the woman who discovered James Buchanan's nude painting?"

Her right eye twitched, her lip curled as she snarled, "YES!" The violence was almost beautiful in it's brutality and suddeness. Libby Lumberjack gouged the man's eyes out and ripped out his entrails. Then Libby turned to the woman in front of her and ripped her spinal cord right out of her back. Libby gathered herself, took a deep breath, and walked up to the stunned barista behind the counter. Libby them calmly ordered her mocha frappachino and a slice of pumpkin bread. She paid with her visa debit card and asked the barista to give her a receipt.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. fan-fuckin'-tastic!!

:rofl:

Thumbs up! Very creative, and bloody. Everything one needs in a story.

[ohiosmith]

5. "After Libby Lumberjack donated clothing to Goodwill, she turned toward the store's exit

a few paces from her present location in the children's wear aisle.

As she began her journey to the double doors leading to the parking lot she caught a glimpse of herself in the full length mirror leaning against a row of bookshelves. At first glance she was unrecognizable, what with her blood matted hair and her gore covered half slip. This would not do, not at all she thought as she removed the shoulder straps and let the last article of the clothing she had worn into the shop drop to the vinyl covered floor now sticky with the liquid result of her handiwork. As the slip fell, it caught on the business end of the axe she held in her left hand. Loosening it, she wondered if she should place it in the receptacle with her other garments, or leave it where it lay next to old man Mueller. Better yet, she covered what was left of his face with it.

Moving to the exit she stopped to look at the Devoreaux twins, adorable in their little pirate and princess costumes. Hopefully Saint Peter would have a nice treat for them on this Halloween Day. He would not be treating that Bobby Dawkins with his tattoos and ear rings and leather jacket. No, not at all. Bobby was on his way to hell where he belonged. Maybe Satan will put you back together she chuckled as she strode past his dismembered body. As for the rest of them, who was she to sort out their destination? That was The Lord's job.

Approaching the doors she saw a surreal scene of red, blue, and yellow images flashing off of the rain covered asphalt of the parking area. There were indistinguishable voices shouting. Sirens wailing. Thunder cracking as lightening split the black sky. She then remembered and turned toward the sales counter. As she did her body was torn by broken glass and burning metal as hundreds of rounds were fired at her as the dozen or so Deputies approached the store front.

The axe still clutched in her severed hand lay several feet from what remained of her body. Blood and bile gurgled in her throat as Sheriff Wakely knelt over her, his ear to her mouth as she whispered, I need a receipt.

[PRETZEL]

7. can I do an edit, please

"leave it where it lay next to old man Mueller....."

since this is horror and science fiction, wouldn't it have a better effect if it said....

"leave it where it lay next to her old man Scooter......"

Just a thought.

[ohiosmith]

8. If you knew the back story you wouldn't change that passage.

:hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. OMG - even better than the last one! A gem of wondrousness.

:rofl:

[Dr. Strange]

6. Let's do this thing.

After Libby Lumberjack donated clothing to Goodwill, she climbed into her ornithopter to return to Sietch Tabr. But while heading across the Open Bled, she spotted a black 'thopter which followed her every move. The prana-bindu training that she had received from her Bene Gesserit aunt didn't seem to help. The shadowing 'thopter drew closer, until finally upon her, she was forced down upon the hot sand. She grabbed her crysknife and jumped out onto the flat dune. Less than 25 meters away, she saw a fresh spice patch. Without her nose plug, the cinnamon aroma assaulted her, and the spice wafted into her mind, raising her consciousness.
A black-robed figure exited the other 'thopter, and strode toward her, stepping randomly, so as not to arouse Shai Hulud.
The spice triggered a prescient trance, not uncommon for Fremen female Lumberjacks.
"The hawk will come!" Libby screamed. "The blood of many warriors will flow before the Mahdi!"
The robed figure handed Libby a scroll; printed at the top was the title, "Goodwill."
"Whatever, Sayyadina, I just followed you to give you a receipt."

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. lol - perfection!! I miss the Dune riffing.

Thank you!!

If only she had wrapped Liet's head in that donated clothing...