Need a Good Joke for a speech

[cease_fire]

So, next week I'm addressing 500 Entrepreneurs at a convention in Chicago. They demographic is generally mixed, many are Republicans just because many Entrepreneurs are.

But, I think the climate is right for a good, old fashioned political ice-breaker.

Anyone got any good natured, poke some fun at the congress and president jokes?

Thanks!

Cease

[OldLeftieLawyer]

1. Why joke?

Why not take it seriously and let your gravitas show?

These aren't funny times, so why try to put lipstick on a pig?

[ChiciB1]

2. I Agree... Look What They Did To Colbert!

Let 'er Rip! The time has come for "We The People!" The time is now... I say REVOLT!

[cease_fire]

3. That's not what I'm there for

I'm there to help small businesses prosper. But since I have the groups undivided attention, and will undoubtedly be the most financially successful person there, I wanted to send a zinger across their bow and let them know that it's okay to be successful, liberal, and not support this administration.

Were it a political rally or event, I'd summon fire and brimstone down on these ass clowns - but these people are paying to be there, and I want to deliver to them what they expect...

...along with a little bit extra.

Eh?

[OldLeftieLawyer]

9. Why?

I understand about public speaking - I've been a litigator for 30 years - and I know about large groups and getting their attention and being the star of the show.

So why bring politics into it unless you're able to make a significant and serious contribution that just might wake up people to the fact that they can, in fact, prosper while taking seriously what is happening in America today? Perhaps these incipient entrepreneurs will find out that they can do things without acting like clowns, which is how a lot of them will react if they're treated like idiot children who need to be appeased with jokes about an administration that has done nothing except crush this country.

Gravitas, my friend, is a much more important and elevating stance to take -and a much more difficult one - than that of jokester. But, in the end, you will be remembered as the one who behaved maturely, as a successful businessperson, and as someone who wasn't afraid to tell the truth.

Jokes are for jokesters and Toastmasters, and god deliver me from both.

Eh. Just my idea. You'll do what you have to do, and I wish you good luck.

[applegrove]

11. This is an old gem. How do you start a small business under Bush?

You start a medium sized multinational ... and wait a while.

[KeepItReal]

4. You probably don't wanna go there

While you may make folks like us happy, bitter GOP-types may make life hard for your business.

[cease_fire]

5. Clearly

I don't want to deliver Zealotry. I'm looking for something along the lines of the "Brazillion" joke.

Something your grandmother might tell you.

[Lisa]

6. you could tell "the bronze president" one ...

If there are concerns about tastefulness, I suppose some folks might not like the one about Dubya mistaking Clinton's saxophone for a "gold-plated urinal".

And if you make it vague as to whether the story happened 10 or 5 years ago, even the most fanatical GOPer wouldn't have a reason to hold a grudge. (Not that it ever stopped them!)

Just substitute "president" for "Republican" -- and you could tinker with the geography to make it more local (Lake Michigan, for example).

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokerats.htm

[MaineDem]

7. Heaven

On edit: Oops, it's not political. Sorry. :)

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," St. Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free-flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?"he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

8. I agree w/ leftie...

...Write something from your gut (that's where most of your nerve endings are, you know) and use it for your closer. We're in such a serious crisis, anything you can do to stir the slumbering 'business as usual' crowd is worth a try.

Entrepreneurial spirit does not generally flourish under fascist rule, perhaps they need to hear this.

[reichstag911]

10. Here's a bunch:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbush2004jokes.htm

[applegrove]

12. Look up golf jokes. That is all I can say.