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Howdy 'yall this is Bubba, and I am coming from Free Republic to edjukate you stoopid librul morans who need to start using your brane.
We need to have a talk about the decline of family values in this great nation of perverted youth. You see us Freepers know a thing or two about family, and we know from our friend Jerry Falwell that you libruls hate the family. But us Freepers, we know how to raze a kid. So today I give you a lesson in Republican family values.
You libruls are always trying to corrupt your children with this evolution garbage you teach in your science classes. You libruls may have evolved, but I have not evolved. I am still the same person I was in the stone age, and I teach my children good old fashioned stone age Republican values.
My children are taught to take after their moral leader George W. Bush, that way they don't ever get picked on in the schoolyard. They think a kid looked at them funny, well then they should do what George Bush tells them is acceptable to do. Grab the kid without giving any reason lock them in a room without letting anyone defend them and then hold their head under water until they will say what you want them to say. Don't worry about any of those so called laws, they don't apply to us godly Republicans they only apply to people we don't like. After all no one should complain about us drowning people, because us Republicans are experts at drowning people. Just look at our great work in New Orleans.
Hurricane Katrina gave us a great opportunity to completely ignore the Bible in order to spread the gospel of our Lord. See we normally like to slam the Bible in people's faces, but we never want to tell our children about the parts of the Bible where it talks about helping the poor. Us Republicans know the thousands of verses about the poor are irrelevent because of one verse that says gays are an abomination, but if our kids were to read that part of book they might not realize that they don't have to follow any of those words to be a good Christian, they just have to yell at other people for engaging in ungodly sex. I think we are safe in that area though because since we passed No Child Left Behind I am pretty sures my kid will never grow up to read anyways so they will only know the parts of the Bible we tell them about. As long as they have Leviticus and Revelations they know enough.
So anyways back to Katrina, when Katrina struck happened because God was mad at the gay people, Pat Buchanan said so and he is never wrong. So we preached about God's will and he was angry us because of moral decay, so we came back and we showed God we were even more moral than anyone in his book. See our Republicans tell us that if people drowning, starving, getting sick, and dying you can just shove em' into a big stadium while you go on vacation and don't send them any help for days. They tell us that the libruls want to waste our money on lazy people who work two full-time minimum-wage jobs, and that those people are immoral. Well that proves that Jesus was not a moral as us Republicans are, and because of our moral superiority to Jesus we can stamp his name on any one of our policies.
And that is why I come here today, to tell you that Jesus supports Mark Foley and Dennis Hastert cause they are moral Republicans. You see Matt Drudge tells us that Foley was the victim of a prank, I know that if I were a victim of a prank I might go try to walk into pages dorms and send them dirty e-mails too, that is how any good Republican would act if they were the victim of a prank. So because it was a prank there was no reason to go after Foley because he could not possibly be held responsible for trying to meet up with a minor to have sex if they pranked him. He is just as innocent as all those people on Dateline. Therefore Dennis Hastert was right to let Foley do his thing, and he was right to get angry about the press leaking that information. Hastert don't flip-flop, he wanted it secret and he still wants it secret. Another great leader of Republican family values.
And it is not just Hastert that gives off the great aura of family values either, it is all those who support him as well. They are the leaders who teach our children that it is ok to allow sexual predators to prey on children, they are the leaders that teach children that it is ok to lie about another country so that you can justify dropping bombs on their civilian areas and the slaughtering of children, they are the leaders that tell us it is ok to torture people, they are the leaders who say it is ok to dump toxic chemicals into poor neighborhoods, they are the leaders who tell us that we should eliminate the minimum wage while millions are homeless many of them young children (who are obviously too lazy to get a job of course), they are the leaders who give giant handouts to the billionaire pharmaceutical company CEOs while tens of millions are unable to afford health care, they are the leaders who tell our children that it is ok to go out and shoot your hunting buddy in the face and then not report it right away, they are the leaders who say it is ok to take illegal contributions from a guy that runs factories where the women are forced to have abortions, these are the values us freepers stand for.
Does it make you feel a whole lot safer, knowing there are people like us to lecture you about your family values when we teach our children such great ideas.
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