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As we all know, our TV MSM news broadcasters sometimes make mistakes, or have important announcements to make about their coverage of current events.
Watch for these MSM retractions and clarifications – coming soon to a network near you:
“It seems that many of our viewers took offence at our repeated references to Barack Obama as Barack Hussein Obama. We sincerely apologize to Mr. Obama, as well as Saddam Hussein’s other family members.”
“After receiving complaints about our coverage of Hillary Clinton’s cleavage, we will hereinafter confine ourselves to discussing her caboose and her gams, instead of her rack.”
“In an effort to remain fair and balanced, tomorrow’s one-hour interview of Bill Kristol will be followed by a one-hour interview of a completely different PNAC member.”
“Our bottom-screen crawl recently stated that John Edwards, convicted child molester, is wanted in several states for arson, grand theft, and embezzlement. The statement should have read John Edwards doing well among rural voters. We apologize for what was obviously a typographical error.”
“In the past, we have often identified Duke Cunningham, David Vitter and Mark Foley with a (D) after their names. We failed to clarify that they are all former Republicans, who switched parties just prior to any wrongdoing.”
“We are advised that last week’s airing of a one-hour program on Bill Clinton’s presidency contained a few minor inaccuracies. A complete list of corrections is available in a twenty-six volume compendium, which can be purchased via our website at a reasonable cost, plus shipping and handling.”
“Last night’s airing of G.W. Bush – Greatest American President had been erroneously advertised all week as G.W. Bush – Impeachable War Criminal. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused.”
“Despite a barrage of complaints re Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s assertion that a human can live a long, productive life without a brain if they exercise regularly and maintain a healthy diet, CNN stands behind Dr. Gupta, noted neurosurgeon and crack reporter.”
“This network wishes to correct Glenn Beck’s recent statement that all Muslims are terrorists. What Mr. Beck meant to say was that most Muslims are terrorists. In the interest of fairness, Glenn plans to schedule one of the good ones to guest on his show, as soon as one can be located.”
“In order to present the Democratic viewpoint of current political events, we are pleased to announce the addition of Senator Joseph Lieberman to our line-up of regular commentators.”
“We are joined by our two major sponsors, SmithKlineGlaxo and Merck-Frosst, in adamantly denying that our reportage on the pharmaceutical industry has been slanted or biased in any way.”
“Our network family wishes to retract a recently-aired comment that Senator Joseph Biden is a fat, loud-mouthed, ignorant idiot who regularly beats his wife, tortures small animals, and was once the prime suspect in the Green River serial murders. Our research team has determined that Senator Biden is actually not fat, and we humbly apologize for the inaccuracy.”
“In spite of receiving an overwhelming amount of negative email, we stand by our decision to pre-empt President Bush’s announcement yesterday that we are now at war with China in order to cover late-breaking news concerning yet another American Idol scandal.”
“Remember, your opinion is important to us. Please feel free to contact us via our website to express your positive/negative comments re our coverage of news events. Simply type your message in the on-screen box, choose the appropriate option (Republican Opiner or Democratic Whiner) and hit ‘Send’!”
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