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Applications are currently being accepted for the position of MIA Lieutenant Replacement with the TANG. Position will be for apx. 12 months, or possibly longer. No strenuous lifting or hard work will be required. There may be long hours at poolside.
Applicant must be an independently and exceedingly rich spoiled frat-boy, from an independently and exceedingly rich family with close ties to GOP and OIL. Having a family member with a beautiful mind a definite plus.
Non-motivated and daily cocaine-snorting falling-down drunk with belligerent attitude given preference. Successful candidate must remain in sight of at least one Republican witness to your uniformed presence at all times. GOP witnesses will be provided to you.
Limited knowledge of English and inability to speak in coherent sentences is acceptable, as no reading materials will be available and no one will need to understand what you are trying to say. However, your GOP witness will read non-biased GOP-only propaganda and children's pet goat books to you, should you so desire.
Job Description: To complete some minor unfinished business to provide proof that said minor unfinished business was in fact completed in 1972.
Duties: Successful applicant will have no real duties.
Benefits:
-Hotel pool with ambitious slut secretaries will be available at all times to successful candidate.
-Latest model US Airforce jet will be provided for your own personal use.
-All costs of dental fillings.
-All felonies, misdemeanors and other fratboy-fun activities will be stricken from record.
-Name and the date (1972) will be provided to you. This name and date MUST be used at all times for any and all documents and conversations. Or else.
(See "Restrictions")
-Other benefits include wonderful war-profiteering opportunities on no-bid oil contracts. No-bid contracts for oil, disguised as "rebuilding" contracts will also be available.
Restrictions:
-This mission is a top-secret classified G.O.P. (Government Operations Position) of the very highest level.
-Should successful candidate ever divulge anything ever about this top secret G.O.P. position, they, and their family, and their family's family, and all their pets, and their children's teachers, and all golf partners, will be arrested and detained without charges for an indefinite period during which they will be subjected to water-boarding, abusive name-calling and taunting, and a variety of fraternity house fun and games such as broomsticks and broken flashlights up various bodily orifices. Torture may also occur.
-Any family, or their family, or their pets, or their children's teachers and all golf partners who survive will be smeared relentlessly at all available opportunities and labeled as Democrats.
-Any family surviving the above will be forced to eat a giant killer pretzel.
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