Only a Republican could possibly believe....

[Arkana]

...providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing it to all Americans is Communism.

...being a drug addict is a moral failing and deserves jail time, unless of course you're a million-dollar radio personality, and then it's an illness and you need our prayers to get better.

...lying about an extramarital affair is worthy of impeachment, but lying about a war that has killed thousands of people is not.

...we shouldn't trade with Cuba because they're Communist, but we should trade with China and Vietnam because it's "good for world markets."

...that if condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

...global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are "junk science", but creationism should be taught in schools.

...that Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

...that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war against him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find bin Laden" distraction.

...the best way to improve military morale is by praising troops in speeches, then slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

...that the public has a right to know about Hillary Clinton's cattle trades, but Dumbya's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

Can you guys think of any more?

[RobertSeattle]

1. There are zillions

I have my own list, bits and pieces I've picked up along the way:

You are a deficit hawk when a Democrat is President, but deficits "don't matter" when a Republican is President.

You beat your chest in regards to getting tough on crime, but shriek like a 3 year old when the IRS gets tough on tax cheats.

You wear a flag pin on your suit, 2 flag bumper stickers on your SUV, and a big American flag in your office, but have no problem with Corporations shirking their taxes by setting up a "corporate headquaters in the Caymans.

Increasesing taxes on the extreme weathy is "income redistribution" but somehow reducing taxes on the extreme wealth is not.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery".

Those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

The U.S. should quit the UN and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

Government should stay out of people's lives but punish private sex with the "wrong" gender.

Pollution is okay as long as it makes a profit.

Prayer in schools is okay as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

You love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary.

You hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, but it was okay to bail out Oliver North.

The best way to encourage military morale is to praise troops overseas while cutting VA benefits.

Group sex and drugs are sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California.

It is wise to keep condoms out of schools -- we know if teens have no condoms they won't have sex.

The way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

Government medicine is wrong; HMOs and insurance companies have your best interests at heart.

Health care to Iraqis is sound policy but health care for Americans is socialism.

Tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science" but Creationism should be taught.

War with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush One made war on him, good when Cheney did business with him and bad when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Government should restrict itself to powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because it just can't handle the truth.

You support state's rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally-passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

What Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did much later is "stale news" and "irrelevant".

Trade with Cuba is wrong because it is Communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is dandy.