AP
Washington DC
Ranking Republicans Efforts During Obama's first 100 Days
By Dewey Cheetahm
While the media is engulfed in a frenzy of examining every minute of Obama's first hundred days serious efforts to rank the Republican role as the loyal opposition have gone largely unnoticed. Today in advance of Wednesday's media gnashing of teeth the American Conservative Institute released their report and the head of the institute, Dr. Brian Goosestepper sat down with me for an interview on their ranking.
DC: Dr Goosestepper, for those unfamiliar with the "Washington Think Tank" Scene could you tell us a little bit about the American Conservative Institute.
BG: Our motto says it all Dewey, We think so you don't have to. We have, at great expense, assembled some of the brightest minds in the conservative movement to assist in following all that is happening so that people can link on our web site find out what they are thinking and make a donation every morning after their morning vespers. We have assembled some of the best minds from bible institutes and local conservative talk shows to make sure that no rock goes unturned.
DC: What was the point of your report ranking the Republican's first 100 days?
BG: We wanted to make sure that people knew exactly who was cooperating with Obama and who was really fighting him tooth and nail.
DC: Well what about the long held cherished role of "loyal opposition" where those defeated join to maximize cooperation with the new president for the sake of the nation.
BG: You show me a birth certificate and I will show you 'loyal opposition'.
DC: Uh, well I think that President Obama's birth certificate has been released and well documented.
BG: No I mean your birth certificate. We aren't out to be loyal we are out to be pure.
DC: Getting back to the report what was the criteria you used to evaluate individual Republican leaders on President Obama's first hundred days.
BG: We simply looked to see if they had done one single thing to help Obama. We gave a 48 hour grace period after the inauguration and then kept track of everything every Republican Senator, Congressman or Governor has done over the last 97 days.
DC: Everything every Republican politician has done for the last 97 days? That must have been exhausting.
BG: Not really except for a few malcontents not a single one of them has done a single thing, frankly we let Alice our intern keep the log but we had to give her extra duty because she was so bored.
DC: So how did the ratings turn out?
BG: 96% of them got As 2% got Cs and 2% got Fs.
DC: Lets go over some of the big names in your report, Mitch McConnell?
BG: Mitch McConnell got an A as a Senator but an F as Senate Majority leader. As a Senator he did nothing but as Senate Minority Leader he wasn't supposed to do nothing, he was supposed to make sure no Republican Senator did anything as well.
DC: John Boehner?
BG: Boehner got As all around. First as Congressman he did nothing, Second as House Minority Leader he made sure that no Republican Congressman did anything and he did it with real style, he looks like he just woke up from his nap and couldn't do anything the rest of the day.
DC: Michael Steele?
BG: Steele got one of the few Cs in our report. He got into a fight with Rush Limbaugh and criticized some Republicans for being negative but in actual fact Michael Steele has done nothing these last 100 days so we couldn't give him an F.
DC: But you did give a number of Fs out/?
BG: Of course, the Republican Party still needs purification. Snowe, Collins, and Spector all got easy Fs. Arnold gets an automatic F because he married a Kennedy and we gave an F to Crist because he was polite to Obama when he was down there and agreed to the stimulus package.
DC: How did McCain and Palin fair in your report?
BG: McCain got a C. He hasn't done anything but he can't control his own daughter. Palin has already achieved a 'lifetime' A so we don't even bother ranking her, and we don't care if she can't control her daughter, she brings in too much money.
DC: I notice that you gave a 'Special Achievement Award' to Norm Coleman.
BG: Absolutely. He not only did nothing, he did nothing while not being a Senator and prevented the State of Minnesota from doing anything and he raised money for all of us at the same time.
DC: What about the issues that confront the country? What do you feel about torture?
BG: Torture, I will show you torture. It is a crime that President Obama has agreed to doing Stem Cell research by using living zygotes for scientific experiments. These are human beings and if those zygotes are used in another human being those zygotes will be tortured the rest of their lives, trapped in a pancreas or a spinal column. That, my friend, is torture.
DC: Well those zygotes haven't even experienced basic cell division.
BG: That's not true. They can intuitively think, we have proof that these little children can do division in their cells from day one.
DC: Well moving on what would you say is your main goal over the next 4 years?
BG: We don't care how small the Republican Party gets, we want it to get pure. If that means that the Party is going to lose the 35 Congressional Seats held by Republican Congressman in districts that President Obama carried, so be it. Our hope is that things continue to get worse and that voters will eventually just choose to make a change, any change for the sake of change. We will provide the "do absolutely nothing" change. We don't have a lot of time to achieve this because it is essential for us get back into power so that we can protect the 14,448 government sub contractors who are our new financial base. Without them our think tank is in danger.
DC: Well what about the broad grass roots, your politically conservative/religious faithful? Don't they still support you?
BG: Are you kidding? They are losing their savings, their jobs and their disposable income to health care and college education. Jobs are being outsourced. America no longer holds an exclusive trading position in the world. Our grass roots don't have money any more. Don't you ever watch the news? Don't you know how bad it is out their for ordinary hard working Americans?
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