EPA considering extending endangered specie protection for Young Republicans

[grantcart]

AP
Washington DC

EPA expected to extend endangered specie protection to Young Republicans

http://burlesongop.org/2010/news-items/090310_spring-fling/20090310-1804-16+1-500x377_young-republicans-serve.jpg

Last known spotting of young republicans in the state of Vermont was 2003

By Dewey Cheetham

Recent new findings by pollster Kristen Stolis establishes what wild life watchers at colleges and universities across the country have been reporting anecdotally for the last few years: The homo sapien sub species, Young Republicans (spoilto bratadocious), is going through a radical decline of numbers nation wide.

In her article, The Vanishing Young Republicans (http://www.pollster.com/blogs/the_vanishing_young_republicans.php for an actual article on the subject) Stolis documents a seismic shift in the electorate away from the Republican Party, but that the shift is more dramatic the younger the voter. After 9/11 the parties were virtually tied in this age group, four years later the Democrats had established a 12 point advantage:



Two years later, when the Presidential campaign really engaged the younger voter, the Republicans would have loved to achieve that number, the gap was now almost 20 points;



Given that it has long been established that the first three votes are highly determinative in establishing lifelong party identification Stolis points out that the current trend portends a long difficult road ahead for the Republican Party:

Another bit of conventional wisdom I hear from my fellow Republicans about the youth vote is that they need to vote Democratic twice before they are "locked in for life", supporting the notion that there is still time to turn the tide among this generation. Unfortunately, given that the shift began in 2006 and not 2008, for many voters the GOP may simply be too late. For the rest, if the Republican Party does not take immediate action to repair its brand, this generation may exhibit similarly low levels of Republican identification for years to come.

Alarmed analysts at the American Conservative Institute have taken these projections and appealed to the Environmental Protection Agency to protect "Young Republicans" as a threatened specie. Dr. Arnold Gasbagger ACI numerologist laments recent demographic trends, "The numbers keep going down, if they don't go up they will keep going down. If they keep going down then eventually there will be none left. We can't find a single Young Republican north of Virginia".

Senior ACI lobbyist Horace Rottenbury has been pressing the EPA to move the classification of "Young Republicans" from "Conservation Reliant" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conservation_reliant_species to "Extinct in the Wild" a move that would raise it up 4 steps in the EPA rating ladder. "Let's face it, Young Republicans no longer exist in the wild. They only exist in those areas where we are able to protect them and give them a stipend or a trust fund allowance."

Changing the status would protect those who continue to carry the moniker "Young Republican" from ridicule and harrassment. For example snarking of photos like this from my own home county of Cheetham County Tennessee would no longer be legally permitted.

http://www.cheathamcountyyr.com/resources/_wsb_459x442_Young+Republican+Christmas+Spirit003.JPG

It would allow the Republican Party to hire actors and actresses to play Young Republicans in publicity spots and faux events until actual Young Republican numbers can be increased. "We just need an umbrella of time while we are able to find out what might possibly motivate a young person to become a Republican. We have exhausted all known possibilities in terms of economic policies, social policies, civil rights policies. They don't seem to agree with us on anything, drugs, abortion, war, nothing. We were kind of betting on same sex marriage controversy keeping "Young Republicans" numbers up but that actually has proven counter productive" Gasbagger remarked.

Rottenbury is also asking the EPA to issue an injunction against Michael Steele from "stating, attempting to state, comminicate in hand language or attempt to communicate in any visual fashion the concept of 'cool, kool, hip, rad, or any other contemporary expression' to appeal to young people in a way that the Republican Party is 'hip'". "It turns out that the only thing that is worse than the Republican Party not trying to be 'hip' is when Republicans' actually try to emulate young people with contemporary expression. When Steele started talking about Republicans being open to 'hip hop', the numbers of Young Republicans was reducted by 69%."

Recently Michael Steele urged the Republican Party go through a "hip hop" makeover

"We need messengers to really capture that region - young, Hispanic, black, a cross section ... We want to convey that the modern-day GOP looks like the conservative party that stands on principles. But we want to apply them to urban-surburban hip-hop settings."

Shortly thereafter 128 Young Republican Clubs shuttered their doors. If the EPA agrees to the injunction then the Republican Party would be authorized to have an actual Young Republican shadow Steele with a taser and give him a maximum dose every time he tried to make a direct appeal to anyone under the age of 27.

[AtomicKitten]

1. That must be a conundrum for Palin who would instinctively want to hunt them from a helicopter. n/t

[Arugula Latte]

2. Why aren't these strapping young white people over in Iraq? nt

[tanyev]

3. Boy, are they ever going to be glad they didn't get rid of the EPA.

[grantcart]

6. lol

[damntexdem]

4. Well, OK, but they'll have to be closely monitored and managed.

It may ultimately be necessary to place them in zoos as the only viable means of keeping them from extinction.

[grantcart]

7. lol

[opihimoimoi]

5. Not quite but almost EXTINCT.....The GOP Bullies and the Young Wannabees

are prime examples of a CANCER on a Society...

All they do is complain, blame, point, and confuse...