Need some help, prayers/light in handling this situation

[woodsprite]

I received a horoscope either Mon or Tues this week that very bluntly said I'd unexpectly hear of a death that I'd have a difficult time with - a friend or relative. I've never received one that so bluntly said something like that before. I thought I'd made it thru the day, but at 11:30pm, I received a call from my brother. My 25 yo nephew, who's incarcerated for being a repeat child abuser, had been diagnosed with end-stage AIDS and a brain infection. Nobody knew he even had it. He's been tested several times and all tests had come back negative. The prison is not letting my brother or SIL talk directly to the drs. treating Mark and my ex-SIL is only allowed to visit him once every 3 days with a counselor present. Mark is refusing treatment.

Mark was due to be released in 2 years. In Ohio he could have received the death penalty for his 4 counts, but for some reason, they only gave him 9 years - even with positive DNA evidence. Maybe because he was so young (19yo). He's in jail because he abused my 3 youngest nieces and nephew. I'm so torn, and I feel horrible about what he's physically going through, but I am relieved that he will not be out on the street in two years to hurt anybody else. I feel like I'm an awful person for even thinking that, but he conciously made the decisions he did, and he's a repeat offender from the time he's been 13yo. Rehab has not worked for him. Yes, he was abused by his step-father at a young age and has been in/out of rehab facilities his whole teen life. He wasn't even supposed to be around young kids after all that. His mother knew that, but still she had him babysit his sister's 3 kids.

I feel so awful - for my brother, for Mark, for the whole family, and for my parents who thankfully didn't live to see these last few years of mistakes Mark has made with his life. I'm sure they know, but they weren't physically here. He was always my Dad's favorite grandkid. They took care of him when my SIL wouldn't and my brother was at work. My brother and I were talking about what happens after he dies. We don't feel a big funeral would be appropriate. I suggested a small private service (if that), cremation, then spread his ashes on our Mom/Dad's grave. My brother is very spiritual, but not very religious.

If you can spare some prayers, please offer some up for my brother, Brian, his ex-wife and family. I've been trying to offer up prayers and light for Mark, to move on, release himself to where he will be accepted, loved, forgiven and where he will be able to finally understand/acknowledge how his decisions have hurt so many people that he loved and who loved him. Then I think his soul will be able to heal. I feel like there is something blocking me. Maybe because I'm so conflicted or maybe because I'm too close to the situation. I don't know, but I thought maybe you all could help.

[MorningGlow]

1. Oh, Woodsprite

:hug:

What a difficult situation. Of course you're conflicted. Just know that your nephew has completed--or will soon complete--the tasks he chose to take on in this lifetime, and soon he will be able to start fresh if he so chooses. Don't worry about forgiving him or how "genuine" your prayers are. The fact that you are expressing compassion for him is what matters. Let time take care of your own healing with this situation. You're doing fine. And your nephew will also be doing fine in a short time after experiencing a relatively short but challenging lifetime.

Sending you and your family--and your nephew--light to help smooth the path as your nephew prepares to depart. Be well, Woodsprite. :hug:

[LiberalEsto]

2. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this

It's a hideous situation, and I'm sending you good vibes to help you get through this.

I'm also sending blessings and light to the four children who were victimized.

[get the red out]

3. Bless you

But you didn't cause any of this. Emotions and thoughts are hard to even decipher under stress. Just be there for your family, that is the positive thing that you can control.

[Kookaburra]

4. Such pain and sadness. Oh Woodsprite, I'm so sorry.

We're holding you in the light now, and sending healing energy to your entire family. Blessings to you all.

[BlueIris]

5. I'm sorry, woodsprite.

This is a terrible ordeal to be going through. I think conflicted feelings are totally normal, considering the nature of your nephew's situation.

When you say "something is blocking" you--do you mean blocking you from figuring out what to do with your nephew's (eventual) remains, or do you mean blocking you in some other way?

[Sienna86]

6. Your nephew

Sorry to hear of this sad news Woodsprite. Sending light and healing to all those wounded and in pain.

[woodsprite]

8. Hmmm, how to explain....

This is probably going to sound strange, but when I quiet myself and open my heart for prayer or to send healing thoughts to someone and close my eyes, I see orange and purple lights moving away from a point in the center of my vision toward me. When I am actively in communication, I see those same lights moving away from me toward a central point. I don't know if that's normal or not. Maybe everyone's eyes are like that, maybe it's my heartbeat doing it - I don't know for sure. I've never heard anybody mention it, and telling you is the first time I've actually put it to words. I concentrate on the center. When I'm trying to say prayers for Mark, I don't see that and it bothers me. All I see is brown nothingness, even if I concentrate really hard, like maybe I'm too close or too torn by the situation. I feel like my words, thoughts, prayers aren't getting through to where they need to.

[BlueIris]

9. It could be that you are blocked not because of your own feelings, but his.

And his situation generally.

When I concentrate on your nephew, (which I do by visualizing an outline of a person) what I see is a lot of red energy, with a little bit of purple around his head. To me, red energy usually means anger, and in his case, the red surrounds virtually his entire body. I think this suggests that he is very frustrated, resentful, and locked up with anger. So, it could be that the reason "you" are blocked is that his emotions are blocking out your attempts to connect to him.

The purple around his head is interesting. I tend to see purple around people who are undergoing transformation. The purple around his head also makes me think that a little bit of highest light (also a purple thing) is getting through, maybe from you, maybe from others. Hopefully, he will be able to use it to let go of some of the anger before he crosses over.

[winyanstaz]

10. Namaste Woodsprite,

Our thoughts are prayers, and we are always praying and please don't worry.... they are all going where they need to be.
How can it be otherwise when we are, after all, each an aspect of The One and we are always here now?
We are each in eternity now as much as we ever will be as we are energy beings. We are not our bodies but rather we each have several bodies/principles for our use, one for each plane/dimension we learn to get around on.
Energy cannot be destroyed, it only changes form. We are eternal beings.
I only state this to explain that regardless of what happens, your relative is at the place he needs to be, learning the lessons he came into form to experience as are we all.
Your feelings are natural and actually say a lot about the loving and caring spirit you are.
Be here now and do the very best you can..and that is all anyone can do or expect. Keep very busy too as that will help. The more you help the others get through this, the more you will also help your self.
Blessings to you and your loved ones in this trying time.

[elleng]

7. woodsprite, PEACE

O8)

[northernlights]

11. I'm so sorry woodsprite

and am sending white healing light to your whole family.:grouphug:

It's not easy for me to write what follows. I have been molested (but not raped) on a number of occasions in my life by 2 family members and 2 strangers. And then spent 3 years harrassed 24x7 by a next door neighbor -- a young repeat offender fresh out of jail and being protected apparently by his family. The last one was the worst by far, and I would have liked to have run him down with my car and squashed him like a pumpkin in the road.

That said, I get the sense from what you've written that deep down you still tend to blame Mark. But my sense is that this is a whole family illness -- he is the symptom. Remember that he was a victim first. That doesn't make what he did all right, but understandable and not really his fault. He hurt others because he was hurt so badly himself by his apparently unstable upbringing. Or, from another perspective, maybe he chose to take on this role to bring the family illness to light so it can heal?

:grouphug:

[MorningGlow]

12. NL

:hug:

[Flying Dream Blues]

13. This has to be incredibly hard, but I loved what you said...

"I've been trying to offer up prayers and light for Mark, to move on, release himself to where he will be accepted, loved, forgiven and where he will be able to finally understand/acknowledge how his decisions have hurt so many people that he loved and who loved him. Then I think his soul will be able to heal."

Woodsprite, what you wrote moved me so much. I am so sorry for what your family is and has gone through with this whole situation. I hope you don't feel guilty being relieved that Mark isn't going to be able to cause any more suffering to children; that's just as true and loving as wanting an end to your nephew's suffering. He has to be responsible for his actions, yet he was once a victim, too. You are full of compassion and love and your prayer seems just perfect. I will add mine, using your words.
:hug:

[mntleo2]

14. Why treatment doesn't work for sex offenders

I am writing in hopes that I can help you understand your nephew's choices.

1. Many, if not most sex offenders were sex abuse victims themselves in their youth. However sex offender treatment never treats this part of their sickness. Part of the aim of this counseling is that they want their client to recognize how they hurt the child ~ but how can the offender ever truly understand that until they actually realize their own betrayal by the adult(s) who abused them? Many sex offenders are under the impression they were "lucky" that they got this abuse since many times they felt sexual pleasure themselves. Especially when the abuser is an older woman with a male child. Since children are in no position to give permission, sexual arousal as a child is *not* permission to the adult, who is in power and the one who should control things to keep the child safe instead of continue to hurt them. This has to be understood as the beginning as to what the betrayal is and what it is about.

2. You would think youth offenders would get the above counseling, but they seldom do. They receive the same punitive and demeaning "counseling" that adults receive. Again how does anyone expect them to stop until they understand their own betrayal?

3. Over 90% of offender counselors have been victims themselves. They have an ax to grind and when they are the ones in power, they are often the ones who reenact their own angry tendencies on the perpetrator, and they have the hearty applause and blessings of the state and our society who want to "get even" with the offender, so they use sophisticated and not so sophisticated methods to take their own anger out on these (mostly) men. Even though what they do is not considered rape, the reasons for rape are present in sex offender therapy, which is to reenact the same things the counselors felt as victims themselves, such as the desire to dominate and humiliate ~ and this is openly practiced even encouraged. No one seems to question this as perhaps something that a so-called "expert" might be doing is modeling behavior that creates a deeper need out of that humiliation that the client's experiences in therapy, feeding the desire to continue to dominate and humiliate more, not create a desire to stop it.

4. Most sex offender counselors are not sexologists, meaning they are not experts on human sexual behavior. Often the counselors belittle ANY sexual conduct with these people, when in fact they could help them channel their sexual energy into something more positive, but they do not know how. A sexologist knows how. Sexologists who treat sex offenders have significantly fewer re-offenders because they help the offender explore his/her sexuality and help them find what is healthy and what is not. They also help them with the painful search within themselves about their own betrayal, thus helping them understand their betrayal of the children they molested and/or raped.

5. Almost all sex offender counselors will tell you that they have an 80% recidivism rate (meaning over 80% of their clients re-offend). They will not tell you why. The reason they don't explain is that they get court ordered payments from the offenders and their families as well as government funding for being a service, so they are rewarded monetarily and often generously as well as applauded vigorously by our society for what they do.

I know what I write is not popular right now, but if we truly want child molesters to *not* re-offend, perhaps we might begin to ask some tough questions as to what kind of therapy works better and what does not. To these counselors, with the penal system, and to victims, it is not prudent to study sex offender counseling any closer for many of the reasons I have posted here. Most of all because the anger is so deep and so profound it has a lot to do with revenge. And when revenge is allowed to be practiced it should be little surprise that this can only make the problem worse. There is no motive to truly help a sex offender not be an offender because society is ignorant of what goes on and this is fine with the counselors ~ and with society who prefer to remain ignorant. And to all, although these "services" are basically useless, it would be a shame to lose the job offender counselors have if it were discovered that what they do not only does not work, it can make the sex offender sicker. Especially since many in our society feel they "deserve" their position as victims themselves who are trying to "do something about it."

Please send my prayers to you and your family. You have all suffered terribly. I am sad that a better outcome could not have happened, but your nephew's story is common. It might be time later when you are through your grief and anger to examine what might have worked better and speak out to change it so offenders actually get help instead of more abuse that only leaves them sicker.



Cat In Seattle :cry: :cry: :cry:
P.S. I am not a sex offender myself, so do not think this is my motive to tell you what I know. I am someone who has seen it time and again because I have worked with these families whose lives are shattered and so I have some ideas as to what might be better if we truly wanted to help families heal and stop this abuse.

[woodsprite]

15. Thank you for the information. I'm sure it will help our family in time.

Your so right about the whole failure of the system as it's currently set up. My brother had 4 children with my ex-SIL. When the youngest was barely 1yo, she decided she didn't want to be married or a mother anymore. She eventually found a guy she wanted to marry, but he was a convicted sex offender and actually served time for molesting his own teenage daughter. My brother had been the sole provider for his children for 4 years. When she got married, she immediately petitioned the courts for custody and child support. She had abandoned them and was married to a convicted sex offender and the courts granted her request. Even with my parents testifying and photo evidence of the conditions they were living in, it didn't make a difference. They said children belonged with the mother if at all possible, and my brother was single, a shift worker, and getting childcare help from our elderly parents. It was deemed more stable for the kids if they lived with my ex-SIL who didn't work, and her husband the ex-con, and her husband's mother/father. She had custody of them until her husband was put back in jail for molesting the oldest two - Mark and his sister. The other two kids witnessed the activity and they all had to go to counseling. They tried both in patient and out patient, but it never seemed to help Mark.

Right now, the two youngest are married, seem stable, and are just starting families of their own. They came back to their father and his wife after being released from in-patient care and mainstreamed back into the school system. The two oldest, Mark and Mary, couldn't wait until they could go to Ohio to live with their mother where they dropped out of school. It was Mary's children that Mark was convicted of molesting.

Thanks again for the info. I'll share it with my brother and his wife too.