well, i had to ask the hubby to leave

[mopinko]

things seemed like they were getting better, and i spent some time away, camping, etc, hoping to give him some space and time. but i spent most of my time alone thinking about how intolerable it has all become. so, when i got home, i couldn't tolerate it. not just the occasional explosions, but the constant walking on eggshells during the in between times. he couldn't get over being mad the other day, over nothing, so i told him he had to leave, that i did not feel safe with him. he feels this is very unfair, and that i have finally broken the relationship, but it is just the last straw of a large bale that we built together.
i had hoped that sleep would help the situation, but after a few weeks of pretty good sleep nothing seems to have changed. i still think that if he saw a doc, maybe there are some meds that could help him. but he steadfastly refuses to consider that there may be something wrong with him.
we saw my therapist together, and she said she thought we may be unrepairable. maybe she really meant that, or maybe she was trying to get us to focus, i don't know. we are locked in conflict without content she said, which was kind of a good thing to hear. it makes me feel a little less personally defective, since everything about me seemed unacceptable to him lately.
i did let some things fly, because i was in a safe place to do that. (so did he.) i hope we can move on from there, i don't know. we will probably see her again this week. we are supposed to both call her and check in wed. he will see his own therapist on tues. in the meantime, it feels good to be in my own home, with no eggshells. i feel for him. my time in exile lately was painful. but there is no way for this to not be painful. even if it is not the end. blech

[ernstbass]

1. I'm sorry it had to come to that

Please focus on taking care of yourself this week.

[mopinko]

2. an e-mail that i just sent him-

thank you. i am trying to take care of myself. but it is hard. if i can manage to sleep well, i will be ok.
we have been able to communicate a little through e-mails. i am trying to keep communication open. i don't remember how much i have posted in this forum about my health problems, but i think one of the reasons that things have come to a head is that i finally have an accurate dx, and effective treatment after a lifetime struggle with a sleep disorder. i was very nearly disabled by it, but have had an amazing recovery. it sort of added to the whole mess, tho, as it looked to him and others like i had gone manic. (if i was, my house would be clean now, which i assure you, it is not!)
>>

susan said we need i statements. i hope you will read this one.

i was dying. a little every day. the life that i had seemed nearly worthless. a constant struggle with pain and fatigue. a constant knowledge of the shortening of the horizon. and worst of all, a steady decline into confusion. i fought back in every way i could. i was full of rage. i would not go gentle into that good night. it was not a good night. it was a darkness too soon, after a life in the shadows. a life spent dying.
i fought and fought. i raged at doctors, who told me i was lazy or crazy. and that i was not dying. but i was. not just the lupus, but the thinning of my bones, the clogging of my arteries, the cancer nipped in the bud in my colon. and the pain. a gripping pain, all the time. an all consuming pain. a hopeless pain.
i am sorry that doctors and tests and fear are a part of your life now, too
i raged at a life constrained. constrained by my own hopelessness. by my own fear.
and now i have a second chance. i have hope. but first i have to shake off my fear. and say no to things that are causing too much pain.
one fear that is already gone is the fear that ending our marriage means i must lose my kids. it hurt me immeasurably to feel that i could not take care of them by myself. but i do not feel that way any more. not that i think it would be easy. but it is not the yawning chasm of pain waiting for me that it has always been. i know that i can be there for them.
i want to make the most of my second chance, and make things right, especially for the kids.
i hope that my second chance includes you.

[no name no slogan]

3. oh no-- take care of yourself

I can relate to what you're going through right now. Just keep talking to each other-- at least you still have that connection. My ex- won't even talk about our problems, but that's okay because I've decided my life is going to be so much better without trying to live up to her impossible expectations.

Best of luck to you! :hug:

[mopinko]

4. his response to my e-mail

was a phone call saying that he wanted me to let him back in the house. that he had talked to a lawyer, and he had the right to return. we both promised the therapist that we would take a couple of days to just think, and do nothing. but he has been talking to lawyers, and told our daughter, who hates me, that he wants her to come and stay with him, and that he is trying to get an apartment asap. ugh.
i really think that he is suffering from depression, but he adamantly refuses to consider the possibility. the trouble is, if meds would help, maybe there is hope. if not, what is lost? can't make people get help, tho, i know.
your poem there is a good one. if it weren't for my kids, i would probably take it to heart.

[no name no slogan]

5. You can only do so much

If he refuses to get help, you can't force him to. It's really weird, because my situation is pretty similar to his-- the only difference is that I eventually "woke up" to the fact that my depression was raging once again, and that I needed help-- badly.

Stay strong. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do. You'll come through this okay, and a lot wiser. :hug:

btw glad you like the poem. It's actually the last verse from it, the whole poem is a couple of pages long. Lew Welch, the author, had the same birthdate as me, and wrote "Chicago Poem" shortly after he had a nervous breakdown. He's probably best known for his copyrighting work-- he came up with the phrase "Kills Bugs Dead" for Raid, but his poetry is really spectacular, IMHO.

You will be okay. We're all behind you and know things will work out for the best in the end. :pals:

[mopinko]

6. you all may not think those cyber hugs mean much, but

they sure do. this is all so very lonely.

[no name no slogan]

7. I know, I really know

if not for the fine folks around here, I would not be here. When I told people about my problems the outpouring of sympathy was tremendous. I never really thought much about it before things went to heck in a handbasket for me, but I have some very good friends here. They've been there for me and I only hope I can be there for them too! :hug:

Take care.

[Susang]

8. Sorry to hear that

I hope things work out for you both.

[mopinko]

9. thanks susang

he is so upset about this. maybe it is a reality that he cannot deny. if SOMEBODY can just get him to seek adequate help. argh. he sees both his new primary doc and his therapist today. his medical issues are all stress related. so my fingers are crossed that one of them will tell him to take some pills.
i think that he is making progress with his therapist. it is just hard to be patient. that is what i am trying to work on myself. not my strong point, tho.
this forum is saving my sanity. such as it is.