Anyone else dealing with an addiction?

[CoffeeCat]

I am sitting here wondering how I will ever stop binge eating.

I want to. I definitely have the desire. I hate how binge eating makes
me feel and what it has done to my body. I've gained 80 lbs since I
began therapy (facing childhood sexually, emotional and physical abuse)
five years ago.

I feel as if I've ALWAYS been programmed to avoid my feelings. I stuffed
most of my feelings down as a child. It was as if my mind was a fast-acting
ping-pong paddle that smacked all feelings into a black hole--before I could
feel or process them.

Funny thing is...I didn't even realize that this black hole existed, until
I had my children seven years ago. Unknown memories of abuse came barreling out
. Feelings about abuse I'd always remembered--came barreling out for the first
time.

So, at least I know the black whole exists. That's good, right? I'm not walking around with
a powder keg of pain stuffed inside. However, it's reallllllly hard. I'm
in the black hole, but I feel ill-equipped to handle all that lies therein. I've gone
from a suppressed state (in which I was high functioning) to an unrepressed state
in which I feel as if I'm breaking into a million pieces.

Is this all worth it? It's just so hard.

I guess that's where the eating enters stage left. I didn't learn how to
process emotions as a child. It's become an involuntary reflex---FEEL--->DEFLECT---REST.

I just don't know how to stop deflecting. I sense that there's a part of myself
that is very managerial and very protective. This part tried to protect me from
feeling and helped me to live my life, do my algebra, have a social life and hold
down jobs.

I'm probably jabbering here. I just sense that I need to make friends with this part
and re-direct it to other things--besides deflection. I am doing serious damage to
my health.

Does anyone understand what I am talking about? I feel so sad and overwhelmed by
this total mess sometimes.

If anyone else is dealing with--or is working to overcome an addiction--I would love
hearing your insight and your story.

Thanks for listening.

[varkam]

1. I am a sex addict.

I'm not addicted to sex, per se. In fact, I'm actually afraid of sex to be quite honest. I was (am) addicted to pornography and multiple relationships. The "hit" for me has always been the promise of sex - not the actual act.

I definitely have stuff from my childhood that's becoming clearer now that I'm in recovery. It's hard to deal with, but it's even harder not to deal with if you get my meaning. The best that we can do is the best that we can do.

Interestingly enough, I think sex addictions and food addictions are similar in the respect that they are both parts of who we are unlike drugs and alcohol. Defining the point of abstinence with our respective addictions becomes much harder, I think. It's not that I can stop being sexual, and it's not that you can stop eating. We have to do both, the trick I suppose is to learn how to do it in a healthy way that makes our lives better as opposed to tearing them down.

Is it all worth it? I know in my case it is. Recovery is hard for me, but going back to my addiction would be harder. It doesn't always seem that way, but in my saner moments I know it's the truth.

I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but they do have 12-step groups for overeating. You might find that participating in one of those can offer you a great deal of support.

Best wishes :pals:

[EFerrari]

2. I smoke and have since I was about 14. I managed not to smoke

for about a year and had to substitute about 12 different things for my efficient cigarettes. A few weeks into my marriage, I was right back at it. For me, smoking seems to be a way to put distance between me and other people and maybe a way to blunt sensitivity that is uncomfortable at times. I'm not actively trying to quit right now but it's not off the table. :)

I also over ate and over drank for about a year after we lost Andy and I gained about 60 lbs, between that and inactivity. That seems to have abated since last May, and the whole process was sort of organic. I hated the feeling of all that weight and laid out a program for myself that's mostly worked.

I'd never had such a weight gain before, and it crossed my mind more than once that some part of me wanted to be bigger than the impotence, loss and sadness I was feeling.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[stillcool]

3. I've had my share of addictions..

drugs and alcohol..then when I stopped I played around with bulimia. It was like I wanted to fill up that 'hole in the soul' and then try to purge it out...purge 'me' out. I have to say, that I never even considered not drinking/drugging until I got out of the environment. I went back once...for one day.. and was petrified...that I'd lose my self. Just talking on the phone to a relative would pull me back...and under. The pretense, the false self that I created to just get by was exhausting. I felt wide open...and was always reading people's moods...and modifying my behavior to fit...and trying to hide me. You've been through a lot lately...and having all that stuff...up front requires care. Living through the trauma is nothing...it is what it is. But the afterwards...the triggers...the knee-jerk reactions to a face in a movie...a smell... understanding all that, and making peace with it..its a long process learning how to sit with it and not react. I'm certain that I would not be here today, had I not gotten help. There is no way I could have gotten through by myself. I've been in therapy for years...and it's okay. I hope this helps...someway.

[mrgorth]

4. You may not want to hear this

I like alcohol but all I really do is drink some beer at night so I don't think it's a biggie. All I wanted to tell you was that I am in good shape and it feels great. If there's anyway you can get here, do it.

[Pharaoh]

5. Alcohol and ciggs

but I'm open to being addicted to many things as addictions are somewhat interchangable,I've quit the ciggs for 2 years cause I'd be dead by now if I had not, but the last 6 months I've been bumming 1 or 2 a week. I crave them and miss them like a dear friend, I can hve a 4 or 5 hour cocktail hour each day, but I barely would seem drunk from it if you saw me. Sometime I drink more, but what I really want is a ciggarette. If I knew I had 6 months to live I'd go out right now and buy a pack.