Suicidal thoughts

[undergroundpanther]

Anyone else here have them? It's not like you are going to act it out.It's just a desire to die. It comes like a wave and it swells twists like a blade in the chest and than it moves on,than it occurs again later. You don't cry or show any outward 'signs',and you don't get any ideas how to do it or anything..it's like a desire that comes and goes.. but it hurts.


And is anyone else here transgender?

I know this ain't the GBLT board.. I say this
Because my gender issues are kicking my arse today.And my gender issues make me crazy.
I am just frustrated. Gender surgery costs a shitload.It should be considered as important as a coronary bypass. But the problem non trans people just don;t understand how painful it is to be transgender.
I feel like on SSI ,saving up for my chest removal feels like chinese water torture,only with nickles,dimes and an old mayonaise jar. 8,000 bucks.Maybe I'll get this friggen udder off me in 20 years at this rate. Might as well be a billion years.
I am lucky I had a hysterectomy done already tho.If I had to deal with the bleeding, cramps and the hormonal hell for ten more years (give or take a few counting from now) until memnopause stopped it I'd be dead from stress and frustration by now.

Sometimes I just want to die and just leave this fucked up existance NOW.It hurts too much,to endure it for another 40 or 50 years until old age takes me..Wrong body, too many assholes, too many broken dreams,never enough money, too much pain,too much injustice, besides politically things are going to shit too and there are too many ignorant misguided fools or sociopathic people with thier heads up Bush's rear preventing the good hearted from changing things....I hate living in this body it is opressive and awkward and it feels like crap to feel these stoopid boobs in my way,on my chest,every day the over the shoulder boulder harness..digging in to me,to contain the friggin tumor udders.I never wanted this.I wish I could take them off myself,problem is the well meaning surgeons would just reattach the damn things back on assuming I wanted them like most people do who aren't trans. Life sucks right now.
Hmm I wish I could get a localized breast cancer...I'd be overjoyed to hear I'd have to get a bilateral masectomy before any metasizing occured..

I guess I'm just feeling bad today. Thanks for letting me vent.

[sans qualia]

1. Yes and yes.

Not at the moment, but very recently, I thought about killing myself every day. Pathologically shy, suicidally depressed, and $20,000 away from a body that's even remotely habitable... I know exactly how you feel. It seems like such a waste sometimes. Wouldn't it make more sense if we could just trade? I get your bleeding and cramps, you get spontaneous erections and eventual hair loss. Blech.

You know what kept me from killing myself? I was like Hamlet. I was afraid that death wouldn't be the end. I was terrified that I'd die and float off to the hereafter, and then God would tell me, "What are you doing, you idiot? You're a guy!" Either that or I'd just go straight to hell and suffer forever. Er, suffer even more forever. I'd hate to think what infernal punishments that would involve. I bet it's like high school gym class all over again.

A while ago my counselor told me that when I was feeling really really down, I should try to remember that my moods were like waves; no matter how bad they seem, they'll always pass eventually. Unhappily enough, I can only seem to keep that in mind when I'm in a relatively good state. In not too long, probably, I'll accidentally turn on TLC in the middle of a baby show, or my dad will call me "he," or my idiot women's studies professor will start prattling on about how she's a "woman-born woman," and when that happens it's straight off to the drug store to buy razor blades. Then maybe death won't seem so scary. Maybe I'll just stop existing entirely, or maybe I'll get really lucky and reincarnate into a body that isn't hideously deformed.

Um... sorry, I meant to sympathize with you, but then I started venting too. I really hope you feel better, undergroundpanther. :hug: PM me if you ever want to talk.

[DemExpat]

3. Yes, sans qualia

In the life period of several years when I was terribly depressed seeing no way out except possibly by death I felt very strongly (even more strongly than the yearning to end it all) that killing myself would not help at all somehow, that the spiritual suffering would continue and would have to be worked out in another incarnation.

(Since I do not believe that the spirit dies along with the body)

I can barely imagine what compounding factors of suffering transgender issues have on a person....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[derbstyron]

2. Yes

I've had very little luck with Anti-Depressants.

I struggle with the thoughts freqently, almost every day.
I had them bad today. What can you do? I simply think of
my nine year old daughter and fight on.

PM me if you ever need to talk.

:pals:

[DemExpat]

4. I am sorry that your anti-depressants do not help....

they also never helped me at all.

Getting pregnant with my first child kicked me in the butt to fight on, day by day, hour by hour.

I also have experienced in life, and understand this now - as sans qualia has, that feelings and states of mind are in WAVES - that they all - good and bad - eventually pass and roll into some other state.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[DemExpat]

5. What can I say, undergroundpanther.....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Feel free to vent.


DemEx

[Digit]

6. Bad day here as well.....

I had three nasty messages from creditors on my machine when I got home, I am about to lose my house for non-payment of real estate taxes, and my heat was due to be cut off the 9th, but I managed to pay THAT.
I work a full-time job, never go out, I get no benefits, but count myself lucky to have a job.
Now, I find out today they may be cutting back our hours and we get in trouble for being tardy. So, I am told when it is icy out, I still have to make it in on time.
I have already sold any of my old jewelry that was worth anything.
My car is a 92 and w/ a slipping transmission.
I stopped wearing mascara, as I don't want to spend the $5.
When I WAS able to shop for clothes, I purchased them at the Goodwill.
Yes, I have been having fantasies of offing myself.
Ways to make it LOOK like it was an accident.
This economic climate is killing me. I would not be surprised if I die instead of some stress related illness.
I am resentful of those who chirp about how wonderful life is. They obviously have enough to pay the bills and then some "thankyewverymuchbushforthetaxcuts" sayeth they.
On top of it all, I am disabled so can't work alot of jobs.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I came home today and just began crying. I am torn between anger and despair. You know what is really pathetic? I realize there are millions of people out there WORSE than I am.
I was doing just fine before * took office.
If I get left with nothing, I make no promises.
I will not have a shred of sanity left.

[DemExpat]

7. My disabled older brother in Houston is almost homeless now...

where 4 years ago he was doing ok.....

I had to ask him - incredulous as I was - why did you vote for Bush???????????? Why vote for these guys who are only interested in taking care of the wealthy?

All he could stammer was something like "you can't change in mid-stream"....referring to the war...... :argh:

Digit, you cannot let these people win like this - by destroying your life. Somehow, you must keep standing by doing the best you can in providing for yourself in these awfully tough times. It will pass....it will!

Do you have any support system to turn to for support/guidance/an ear for ranting? Counsellor, psych, minister, family or friends?

My older brother can always go live with our sister in Dallas if worse comes to worse. Or his son....

Do you have any backup?

:hug:

DemEx

[Digit]

8. I don't have anyone....

I promise I am not going to do anything tonight. I don't want alot of attention. There are others in more pain than I.
I am not quite in that "mood" to actually do things tonight.
There are times I realize that in my evolution it would hinder things....like now. I have a grasp on things for now.
I am not happy right now, but I will see what happens in the meeting tomorrow.
It means alot that you care, so I do appreciate your writing.
I am going to try to hang in there. I promise.

[derbstyron]

9. Please hang in there.

Please PM me if you need to talk.

It may not help you but one of the things I tell
myself as I sludge through each day with the bad
thoughts is that I "refuse to let the bastards win!"
(whoever they might be for you).

Just a thought.:pals:

[undergroundpanther]

10. Better today... Still here..

Today is better now...

Anyways,thanks to all here for the kindness and concern.. After I got off DU I just got ahold of one of my kitties,Vinnie, and hugged him for a long time.
Vin has this way of looking right into your eyes in a way that could dissolve ice cold steel,his eyes are very soft gentle and sweet,everything this world is not is inside those golden eyes of my beloved..When I hug him and he just radiates love as he melts into my arms. I swear that midnight little panther cat has saved my life on plenty of occasions.

Same story with my other two, Sparkle and Rustle. They seem to not mind it at all when my tears drench thier fur. I thank them for that patience.Maybe they like the salty taste? I dunno. I'm just glad these great cat beings chose to live here with the likes of me dispite my problems.

All the cats in my life have been and still are my biggest reasons to live,My cats have saved me from myself plenty of times throughout my years. Cats can do what many humans seem to be emotionally unable to do,care and be there without that fixing urge,human baggage or thier own opinions getting in the way of just being there. Cats don't care what you look like, how you talk or what anyone thinks about you . They just love without all the crazy human baggage and bullshit.

Another thing that keeps me here is my partner.We both have gnarly PSTD/trauma issues and knowing this about each other we have both committed to each other we won't kill ourselves unless we wind up someplace like Abu Gharib and suffer torture,or we get a painful terminal disease that will kill us in a horrible painful way.

We know we need each other.We have been through enough of that torture shit before we met,when we were kids so for both of us enduring more torture is where we agree the line is drawn.We support each other as much as we can.I call my partner my copper snowleopard because so far he is the only human worthy of being associated with the feline spirit,in my eyes.


And he is copper because his beard and hair shines like fine spun copper wool,in a multi hued way like snowleopard fur looks,when he's in the sunlight at certain angles.It's rather pretty.Kinda glittery. His eyes are soft deep brown and noble in a cat like way too. He has long eyelashes like a cat does.And his hair is soft and silky almost like fur.He has no issue with my masculine/androgyny or feline self identity either,He's Bi too. We both think similarly in a deep way but different enough to create that spice that makes converstations memorable.So I guess in that respect I am lucky I have 4 companions like these.This is why I refuse to die,but dammit sometimes it feels so close.That is when I vent to save myself from myself..

Oh and if you are interested here are my kitties:


Vinnie:
http://www.catster.com/?114002

Sparkle:
http://www.catster.com/?113996

Rustle:
http://www.catster.com/?113980

And again Thanks to you all. And hugs too.

[DemExpat]

12. Yes, UGP, my pets - now I have a young Jack Russell terrier,

have been major lifelines for me in my life......

They are just the most amazing, loving creatures, and full of life and fun. When it is difficult not to laugh at their antics, or difficult to ignore their pleas for play and fun, it helps dissipate all of the negativity.

:loveya: :loveya: for you, your kitties, and my Bonnie.....

DemEx

[Digit]

16. It got worse today....I was fired!

For a job I had thought I was getting accolades on, it sured turned out differently.
Not like I was showing up late (I was early each morning), and I am totally clueless as to what happened.
My workflow was good, loved doing what I did and was told I had "A good eye" meaning I caught things which should be caught which could be problems for the company down the line. I was told I was specifically chosen to do the things I did since I caught problems before they caused MORE problems. I am able to read between the lines and therefore save the company headache and more.
I love ferreting out problems. The bottom line is good for them and good for me. Alas, I was terminated, and I had no real idea as to why.
I was so "company" in my endeavors.
What was my fatal flaw?

[AlienGirl]

11. I suffer from impulsive suicidality

I'll be doing okay, and then something bad happens (sometimes as minor as hearing about something awful happening somewhere else) and WHAMMO! I immediately start thinking I want to die.

Now that I stop and analyze it, the biggest triggers are thinking about the future (especially about major changes--grad school, job search, stuff like that) or hearing about something bad happening to someone else when there is no way for me to affect the situation. The thoughts that go along with it are things like, "I'll never get out of debt," and "The world is a painful place to live in."

It is an agonizing state of mind.

Tucker

[DemExpat]

13. I must have this too.....diagnosed as part of Borderline P. O.....

but I have now learned to ignore this strong impulsive thought/feeling - or at least to ignore thoughts of acting on them!

I let them wash over me, maybe write them down in my journal, then move on to something else. Soon I find it has all dissipated.

:hug:

DemEx

[AlienGirl]

14. I'm not borderline

I haven't been able to find much about it in non-borderlines, which is odd.

Tucker

[TrogL]

15. Before I went back on anti-depressants

I'd have ideations that approached obsessions.