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A few years ago, we were concerned about our oldest daughter. Her sisters were telling us that she was in an abusive relationship. She was an adult so we certainly couldn't order her to break up -- not that that would have worked on a teen, either. Her sisters were talking to us about her -- she would retaliate by telling us stuff about them. Our son was also starting to give us trouble. We frankly didn't know how to keep all of this from tearing the family apart. The focus of the counseling was on the oldest, though. We kind of tricked her into coming by telling her we wanted to work on our relationship with her (she wouldn't have agreed to come if she knew we were mostly worried about her relationship with her fiance.) However, the "trick" was on us because we did end up working on our relationship, not only with her but with all of our children. We had a few sessions with the entire family and we paid for a few sessions for our daughter alone with the therapist, who invited the fiance to join them on one occasion.
Yes, I agree that it gets worse before it gets better. A lot of issues were brought up and feelings were discussed that were hurtful. Even though you know you bear some responsibility -- that it is never completely the others' fault -- it still hurts to hear the complaints. At first, it wasn't apparent that the counseling was helping, since everyone seemed to get angrier than before. But we were able to agree to some ground rules as a family, such as keeping Dad and me out of sibling squabbles and being honest with one another. Though our daughter will probably never admit that counseling had anything to do with it, she eventually broke up with her fiance (we found out that it wasn't a physically abusive relationship, that they were equally verbally abusive to one another.) The counseling helped us transition from a family of parents and children to a family of adults.
Counseling doesn't guarantee the desired results, of course, but it can help you define the issues and make a plan for resolving conflicts. Some things cannot be resolved but even then, a person who has learned to be honest with himself and his feelings is still in a stronger place, even if the relationship doesn't make it. I don't regret the time or money we spent and I do feel like our family is better for it, as painful as it was.
Good luck! I hope everything works out for both of you! :hug:
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