I need to confess... and I could use some advice...

[politicat]

I don't really like my friends that much. And I feel bad about that, in part because I don't make friends all that easily, so realizing that the ones I have are not exactly what I would have chosen is making me really unhappy.

In a nutshell, these people came into our lives as a whole, through a former co-worker of my husband's. (They're still on good terms, and the former co-worker has become a great friend, except that he recently took a job elsewhere.) Some of these people are great and I'm glad to have them in my life. But there are a couple who consider themselves neo-anarchists (i.e. libertarians) and are, at base, pretty much selfish, primarily concerned only with their material wealth, and they really can be mean to others. It's lots of little things - they're gun nuts and refuse to realize that their pleasure in having guns has to be balanced against the safety and security of others (this even after a break-in in which some of their guns were stolen); they refuse to "believe" in climate change because at base it is inconvenient for them and would require them to confront their own very expensive lifestyle... things like that. They have these incredible emotional blindspots that seem obvious... and they don't realize that their blindspots end up hurting other people. And because of group dynamics, there's no way to really avoid the ones that aren't so great (and to be honest, they're not horrible or anything; they're just thoughtless). So avoiding them would require avoiding them all, and that's not something I'm willing to do, nor does it sound like a good idea.

It's pretty much a basic primate thing (it's great material for high farce since I got my master's in evolutionary psych and I keep my hand in); a lot of the meanness is hierarchical posturing - putdowns to assert dominance, interpersonal disrespect to keep "beta" members in their place, minor snubs. I find it obnoxious because well, it's time for that pack mentality to go the way of body hair and social grooming. Honestly, it's really disgusting to watch someone tear another down to make himself feel better.

And there's a final problem... I'm bright. Seriously so. And none of these people are stupid (selfish isn't stupid; it's amoral); in fact, all of them are high average to above average and into well above average. But when they're talking about "Arrested Development" or playing "Guitar Hero", I'm thinking about the commodification of health care in the United States and the correlation between increasing commodification of health care with diminishing biometric data*, or Spike as emblematic of monism and dualism in the Buffyverse, or the effects of disrupting the thermohaline cycle in the North Atlantic on firefighting on the East Coast or... I feel like I have to dumb myself down to talk to them. I feel like I don't really have anyone to connect with who is interested in the world and progressive and articulate enough to keep up with me. (My husband's about 95% of the way there, but after 7 years together, we're in that lovely warm comfortable place where we want to have outside interests, too.)

Am I just asking for too much? Should I just give up and accept that this is the way the world is? It's a low-level discontentment, not something that makes me want to just abandon the friendship, but there's still something not right.

This may just be a vent... I don't have really anyone close that I can just talk to, who is not in the group, and I honestly don't trust any of them to not take offense that I'm feeling discontented and.. kinda bored.

[Kat45]

1. Since you like a number of them and want to keep them as friends, you probably should do so.

As for the ones you don't care for, do your best to ignore their disrespectful comments; let the comments slide by and disappear. I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done. When I was in high school, I had a group of girlfriends who were "a whole" like your group is. I liked some better than others and tended to engage with them more than the others. One was particularly a snob and I didn't like her, but nobody knew that because I kept it to myself. In my mind, I just took her comments as the ignorant comments they were. Ironically, others in the group eventually realized what she was all about.

I know what you mean about the conversation as well. I also am very intelligent and I really enjoy talking about ideas, politics, religion, etc. and many of my friends are not similarly inclined. But I can engage in small talk and such, particularly when I'm with a group, where it's often lighter conversation. Fortunately, I do have a couple of friends I can have interesting discussions with. Maybe you can meet some other folks, perhaps through political activity or something, who enjoy intelligent discussion. Then you can have the discussions with them, and the lighter stuff with your current group of friends. I also don't make friends easily, but I do ok making acquaintances, and these folks can also be the source of good conversation.

[musette_sf]

2. dear politicat,

my husband is a libertarian. smart in many ways and we share many interests (thank the Goddess), but i can not have a political discussion with him. he's SO monolithic on The Evil Government (read: government as "system") etc etc etc, that there just is not a way we can discuss just about any political issue. so i do understand your dilemma.

my suggestion is, keep being friends. they may slowly learn something from you :-)

in 2000, H was quite okay with Dipsh!t getting "elected" on a "how much can he possibly suck?" basis. he didn't like Gore, and if he had voted, it prolly would have been for whoever was the libertarian candidate. or maybe Nader just because it would be an FU vote to both Ds and Rs. (yeah, a non-voter too. sheesh!) in 2000, H was okay with the "free market" driving the energy costs even though we by then lived in Cali. in 2001, H thought i was completely off my rocker for being a MIHOPer.

in 2007 H hates all of the BFEE, thinks there might actually be collusion and corruption by said BFEE with Big Oil & Energy, and is also a MIHOPer.

they can be gotten through to. :-)

[IndyOp]

3. Are you involved with a community/political action group?

You sound like you are really concerned and informed re: health care issues. There is probably a group near you that is working to reform health care in your state. You would make new friends and won't have to spend much time thinking about what to do with the already established friends - they will remain a (smaller?) part of your life or may drift away.

:hi: