_________Insert catchy thread title here_________

[Systematic Chaos]

Hello everyone. I've been back in my teflon-reinforced shell for quite a while, and reality has once again managed to beat me out of it. Quite a few of you have expressed concern over how I am doing. I don't know if this will become another one of my long-running threads or not at this point, but maybe providing you guys and gals with an update will help me somehow. Right about now I really need that. Mind you, I'm currently feeling the effects of two oxycodone pills so if I seem really spacey then there you go.

I really bottomed out emotionally last week because of things that have happened, and it took a very emotional heart-to-heart talk with Jeanette to regain my focus. I was called about 3 weeks ago by my employer with notice that I had been terminated while in the midst of trying to shift from short-term to long-term disability. I might still get the long-term disability, but due to the sheer idiocy of my doctor's administrative staff it has taken far too long to get that process finished. Because Nevada is officially a "Fuck Off and Die" state, I probably won't get unemployment because I am in no shape right now to find new work. Since Jeanette works for the same employer as I used to, keeping my insurance is simply a matter of putting it in her name. And making sure she is able to work enough overtime to cover the $330 per month in premiums. Oh, how I hate United Healthcare, but I think that is a rant best saved for another time.

So today, for the first time in 5 weeks, I made it out to the wound care center I'm currently dealing with. To their credit, this hospital is at least in the 21st century, unlike the first one I dealt with. I have discussed my feelings about St. Rose Dominican hospital at some length in my prior posts. Anyway, my left leg is still in a bad way and to put it bluntly I've just about run out of options for the great toe and second toe of my left foot. The new treatment regimen I'm under is to just wrap the leg in Ace bandages, but the leg and foot must be thoroughly cleaned every single day. I'm going to be taking yet another oral antibiotic, and I also have an ointment I must apply daily. If there is no improvement then they plan to admit me for IV antibiotic treatment next week. Apparently the alternative is for the infection to eventually spread into my bloodstream so that it can cause my internal organs to shut down.

I can only place the blame for this current situation, at least with my foot, upon myself. I've been taking way too many liberties with what I eat, and that is the one thing I do have control over. Yeah my foot hurts like crazy, and yeah it's tough to be mobile enough to really burn calories off, but my propensity to always want to grab at whatever crappy comfort foods I can get my hands on doesn't help one bit. So now the question is: How does a person who desperately needs lap band surgery, but who will never get it, learn to control his behavior to roughly emulate the eating patterns of someone who did undergo the process? And then there is my friend who we took in late in 2006. He's in worse shape than I am in many ways and can't work. In all this time he hasn't had a dime of income from any source, and to be honest it took threatening to kick him out before he finally got the ball rolling with Social Security. He, Jeanette and I are all praying that the approval process goes quickly and doesn't hit any snags because he'll recieve a pretty good lump sum to make up the payments retroactively. He has promised us a good percentage of whatever he gets, and I know he'll keep his word. But in the meantime we're all trying to survive in a tiny apartment on a single income until determinations are made about my unemployment and/or long-term disability.

When I had my intake session for the local paratransit service (which thank Dog I was approved for with no limitations for 3 years), they had to weigh me in. I refuse to say what the scale read, and what made it even more of a shock is that I've been wearing the same clothes for the last couple of years, albeit they are tighter than they were before. But it's not like I need the jaws of life to squeeze into the damn stuff either. So, I'm trying to pick out my favorite foods from among the options which are lowest in fat, calories and sodium but are richest in nutrients and fiber, because I'm going to have to form a diet based upon those foods and stick to it for dear life because that's my only hope now. And I'm trying to do this without any negative thoughts or feelings that I'm punishing myself in any way because I've already put both myself and Jeanette through enough of that recently. The recent reports about that huge meat recall have really made it easy for me to swing back towards vegetarianism. A bunch of rancid frozen burritos courtesy of Albertson's made it easier still. :puke:

I guess I'll end this post now, but if I can think of more to add I'll come back later. In closing, I want to thank all of you who expressed concern for me and wanted to know how I'm doing. The support and encouragement really do help at times like this. :)

[KC]

1. Welcome back GG

We all have been thinking about you and missing your posts.
I'm curious, have you tried to get on or could you qualify for disability ?
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear all that has been going on, but I'm glad to see you back here posting again.
Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.

KC

[Systematic Chaos]

2. I might attempt to get on disability, at least temporarily.

Jeanette pointed out something about me the night my general negativity and pissiness drove her to confront me and drive some sense through my thick skull. And that is, I take pride to the level of self-destructiveness because I hate asking for anything from anybody. I need to realize that sometimes it's okay to ask for help. I look forward to a time when I can work in some capacity without these health issues. I'm young enough still to turn this around if I choose to employ some basic common sense. But right now I'm sort of at bottom and it's going to take a lot to get everything back where it should be.

[KC]

4. Instead of

thinking about it as taking something from someone, think about it this way....look at how much "I" have
put into the system and how much "I" have contributed, over the years, in taxes, insurance premiums etc....Receiving disability is a way of FINALLY being able to use some the money that was taken out of paychecks for taxes and for insurance premiums which they are now denying your use of

KC

[Maraya1969]

36. WOW I just thought of something while reading your post. When I do

things that are self destructive I have been asked "What are you getting from it?" It's a weird question but a lot of times I think I use the behavior to get away with doing (or rather not doing) what I wanted to in the first place.

Trying to think of an example here. RE: food. If I get ice cream and eat a bunch of it I fall asleep. Once I purposely said ot myself that I was going to follow my feelings through the ice cream binge. I realized I felt sleepy and happy and SECURE.

So the only reason I've been told to get those feelings without ice cream is meditation which I really don't want to do but I know it helps.

Drugs work too but they bring their own problems. Some people can go into the woods or the beach but that doesn't work for me but nice ocean music on a CD player will.

Thanks for bringing that to mind. I've been having ice cream binges and I need to stop. Ice cream seems to be my food of choice.

[Systematic Chaos]

42. Learn to substitute a healthy alternative for that ice cream.

I don't know if the dollar stores around where you are sell bananas, but here they have them all the time for a buck a bag of 5 or 6. And they're usually pretty green bananas that will keep for a few days, so it's money well spent. You can eat two or three bananas if you really feel the need, and it won't go to your waistline like the ice cream would.

And as for music, I'm one of those people who'll go nuts playing the air drums when a really good song comes on. I've decided that if I can ever afford it, I'm going to pick up one of the new consoles and a copy of the Rock Band game so I can start drumming for quasi-real. What the heck, it's great exercise! :)

[Longhorn]

3. I'm really glad to read this update, even though my heart breaks

for all that you've been through. You mentioned that you will never get lap-band surgery. Is it because your insurance doesn't cover it or that you're not a candidate because of your medical condition? I've thought about you many times and wondered if you've considered it. I had it done November 1 and I'm very happy with my results. You lose weight more slowly than with gastric bypass but I didn't like the idea of my insides being permanently rearranged.

You are exactly right that the key is to be able to restrict caloric intake without feeling the constant hunger. There are plenty of studies that show that hunger is greatly enhanced when one is dieting. It's like a thermostat that is set wrong, constantly trying to keep the room at 65 degrees when everyone else is comfortable at 75. The lap-band keeps me from feeling that constant hunger. In fact, I have so little hunger that it's sometimes hard to make myself eat when I know I need more protein. However, food still tastes good so once I convince myself to eat, I do enjoy it, though I have to eat slowly and I get full fast. I don't know of any other way to control this hunger except through drugs and those don't seem to be very good. Plus I wouldn't want to be on drugs the rest of my life and, unfortunately, only five percent of those who lose weight are able to keep it off, again, because they are fighting their own bodies, which seem to be programmed to regain the weight.

There just has to be a way for you to get some help! You've worked so hard at trying to get healthy and I'm very disappointed that the medical community has let you down. I hope the disability and Social Security situations work out in your favor very soon so that you can focus on getting better without the financial stress.

Take care and know that we're sending you positive thoughts! :grouphug:

[Systematic Chaos]

5. Here's a little info about United Healthcare re: lapband surgery

The way UHC handles patients' requests for doctors is that they make you visit their online database. When I tell you that this database is sorely in need of an update, at least for this area, I really mean it. What you have to do is select the kind of doctor you want from a list of dropdown menus on the site. And they give all sorts of classifications, all right, but there is nothing in the abdominal surgeon category which refers to any class of weight loss surgery. I should look at my policy anyway because I think there is a clause against any kind of weight loss surgery. They'd rather gamble that you get sick enough for your employer to kick you to the curb, like mine did, because that way it'll be the next insurance company's problem. My primary doctor actually told me that, and he's a pretty big guy himself.

As far as food goes, I'm making it a point to put every low-calorie type of food I enjoy in the house and I'm limiting myself to those things. I've done it before, but in the past I didn't have a wife and a roommate who don't want to be restricted like that. Years ago when I was in much better shape, I had my mother staying with me and she had no problem at all adjusting her cooking to fit the recipes I wanted. She absolutely refused to have any beef in the house after the whole mad cow thing started, and giving up other things wasn't that hard because she lived during the Depression and had experience with a limited pantry. Yesterday, for example, I had a good-sized bowl (about 3 cups) of hot multi-grain cereal from Trader Joe's, sweetened with about a teaspoon of dark brown sugar and then plain soy milk. It took me over an hour to finish it and it stuck to my ribs, so to speak. Today I'll probably have a bowl of high-fiber cold cereal and then tonight when Jeanette gets home I can have all the vegetables I want, stir-fried with some Bragg's Liquid Aminos, or maybe a Boca Burger on a bun with ketchup and onion. I'm thinking about making a big batch of homemade spaghetti sauce someday soon. I can throw veggie meatballs and Tofurky sausages into it so that it has a more authentic feel, and frankly I am the type of person who will use a cup of cooked whole wheat pasta as an excuse to slurp through a quart of the very low-fat and low-cal sauce as if it were soup. :)

I imagine it would be possible to feel full and satisfied despite a very low calorie intake if I do it right. Since I have very few options for exercise right now I need to compensate somehow, until I lose enough for some of these immediate issues to correct themselves. I just have to try and be strong for Jeanette right now because she's terrified that I might end up back in the hospital next week.

[Longhorn]

6. My insurance didn't cover it either.

I had to self-pay, about $13,500. Many people get it done in Mexico by surgeons who actually trained the U.S. surgeons. You can get it done there for under $8000. However, I know it might as well be $80,000 when you don't have the money! There's also an excellent doctor in Denver who does it for under $10,000. As the surgery becomes more popular, the prices seem to be coming down. Maybe once you get your finances straightened out, it's something to consider. Since you already know how to eat healthy and restrict portions, I think you're one of the people who would be especially successful. There's a man on www.lapbandtalk.com, Wendell Edwards, who started off at 570 pounds. I don't know how much he's lost in the 3.5 years since he had the surgery but he does have a link to his before and after pics: http://angelasdiscountmarket.com/wendell.html. He's a very helpful and supportive member of the board and I someone you could email if you had questions or needed advice (you'd have to join the board to PM or email him.)

Still wishing you the best! :hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

7. I scored a victory yesterday....

This one has nothing to do with weigh-ins or pounds lost. I honestly don't know what my weight is right now; all I can hope for is that it will soon be lower than it was at my paratransit intake.

Anyway, what happened yesterday is that Jeanette called me from work before leaving to take care of her usual payday stuff. She asked if I wanted her to bring home a bag of fried chicken from the store. I told her that if she felt she really needed to have it she was welcome to, but the odds were very good I wouldn't have any of it. Anyway, she came home minus the chicken and we instead had veggie "chicken" patties from Morningstar Farms, on wheat buns. Similar taste with only a scant fraction the fat content, and that includes the paper thin layer of mayo I added to go with the onions.

She still picked up some of the Jenny-O turkey stuff, but it's even easier for me to ignore that then it would have been the chicken. Those processed turkey products are no healthier than suspect beef, really. I have to stifle a giggle when they're featured on The Biggest Loser. But then, how would the audience react to black bean and TVP burgers, even if those actually tasted way better? :)

Anyhow, that's been it for me. I'm just hoping that I won't be readmitted to the hospital on Monday. Whatever happens, either Jeanette or I will post in here and give another update after my wound care visit.

[KC]

8. That's great!

I'm proud of you for being able to say no and then sticking with it. That is definitely a victory !
Keep up the good work and let us her from you Monday. Hope your appointment goes well.

KC

[Longhorn]

9. I'll be thinking about you Monday, too!

Congrats on your great meal substitution! Great idea to keep it flavorful with onions and mayo! :applause:

[KC]

10. How did your

appointment go Monday?



KC

[Systematic Chaos]

11. This is Jeanette replying, since he's in the hospital atm.

Kirk ended up in the hospital when he went for his appointment. It turned out that they found a staph or strep infection (unsure which one it was) through a wound culture they did the week before. I found out when I called the house to see if he was home. Needless to say, it wasn't a thrilling thing to hear that he was actually in the hospital and might not be back for weeks, maybe 6+ weeks.

Another thing that was equally thrilling was to have him and others calling me when I did get home, telling me that neither of us had insurance. I had signed up for insurance, and had been reassured that the coverage would be uninterrupted. Well, I did go to work the next day and confirm that we were indeed covered. Turned out that I would have had to sign up before the 15th in order for them to do the paperwork, showing that we were covered. They managed to expedite the paperwork, so that he was shown to be covered soon enough for the hospital to decide what to do. Otherwise they might have released him without fully handling his situation.

Turned out that the strep or staph infection was resistant to oral antibiotics, so he had to have intravenous antibiotics. His veins kept collapsing, so they put a 'pic' line in, something almost permanent that goes directly into a primary vein and allows them to do IV treatments without further vein searching or puncturing. His leg and toe wounds are also being treated very aggressively, using a mild bleach type formula to keep them clean and remove excess dead skin. He says that the wounds are all either closing up, scabbing, or improving dramatically. The toe wounds are still open, but are looking much better than they have looked in the past 1.5 years.

My main complaint is that it takes me an average of 2.5-3 hours to get to the hospital by bus, and an equally long period of time to get home as well. I've been fortunate that co-workers have willingly given me rides to the hospital, but I can't expect that all the time. I had the past 2 days off, but spent those cleaning and re-arranging the apartment to better use the available space we have, and get the apartment ready for him and our roommate to come back. This meant that I didn't get out to the hospital, and is really frustrating to both of us.

His main complaint is the way the dietary section, AKA the kitchen, is handling his food requests. He's had several times where his meal isn't sent up with the requested items, all of which really mean "Give me fruit, veggies, and salad, along with tea", and getting something totally different from his requests. He doesn't mind getting fish, and he's supposed to take a protein drink, but he's had complaints on a daily basis about what he actually receives. Other than that one thing, he's doing really well.

He had some physical therapy, which they aren't continuing because he's able to exercise on his own. He has already lost about 10 lbs, and looks forward to coming home and continuing the exercise. He has been exercising on his own while in his room as well.

The only other thing that is happening is that our roommate, a homeless guy that is Kirk's friend, was also hospitalized a couple days ago, also for a leg wound and related health issues. There's no word from him on how long he's being treated, but we know that the hospital is testing him for the same infection that Kirk had as well. Oh, btw, Kirks infection appears to be going away without complications, the wound cultures are coming back negative, apparently.

Anyway, Kirk may be back in 2 weeks, and perhaps the roommate will be in much better health when he returns. Otherwise, if the roommate still needs more treatment and might jeopardize Kirks health, he already knows that he's to find somewhere else to stay until he's better.

[Longhorn]

12. Thanks so much for the update!

Sometimes things have to get a little worse before they get better. I know y'all aren't thrilled about Kirk being in the hospital but if he can finally get those wounds taken care of, how much better will his life be?!! No one enjoys staying in the hospital and I'm sorry it's such an ordeal for you to get there. I hope he's home soon and truly on the mend this time. I'm sending positive thoughts and hugs to you both! :grouphug:

[lavenderdiva]

13. thank you for the update, Jeanette

I've been thinking about Kirk, and am so glad that he is finally receiving some aggressive treatment for his foot. I think he's going to feel and be so much better when he is able to come home. Please let him know that we are thinking about him here. Thanks again for updating us-- :hi:

[KC]

14. Yes, thank you

for letting us know about Kirk. I know he must hate being in the hospital (and know you do too) but am glad
he is being treated. We've all been thinking about y'all. Let him know we are all thinking about him and please
keep us posted on how he's doing.

KC

[Systematic Chaos]

15. Honestly,

Having him in the hospital has turned out to be such a relief for me, reducing my stress level so much. I'm able to spend alot of time getting the apartment cleaned up and a bit organized, something I haven't done in almost never since we moved in. With both our roommate and Kirk gone, it's a little weird having nobody around except the cats. However, it's a little fun to have absolutely nobody to have to look for or keep in mind when doing anything.

I went to see him yesterday, with the help of my wonderful co-workers, and spent the night at the hospital. I did find out some really nice news, he's going to be coming back next Monday, his birthday. Doesn't leave me much time to complete getting the place organized, but hey, I don't mind. He still has some work to do with his toes, but I did get to actually see his leg and catch an eyeful of his wonderfully scabbed over wounds. Even the largest wound is scabbed over.

As I told him time and time again, he has a very good response to treatments, but he's always having problems actually getting the treatments. Being in the hospital has made it impossible for him to say that there's any reason or excuse for not getting proper treatment.

[auntAgonist]

16. I'm so glad to see you posting an update..

I was unable to respond in this group for a while but I'm back. I'm glad Kirk is getting the treatment he needs and you're getting the break you need.
I'm sure he's looking forward to getting home and you're wanting him home just as much. Hopefully he will be back on Monday if all goes well.

What a nice b-day gift that will be.

Please take good care of yourself through all of this. Your health is important too.

Give my regards to Kirk and please continue to let us know how things are going.

all the best.

kesha.

[Longhorn]

17. It really sounds like this is just what all of y'all needed

to get back on track to healing and resting. I'm so glad Kirk is improving so much! Have a happy homecoming and happy birthday to Kirk! :grouphug:

[Systematic Chaos]

18. He's baaaaaaaaack!!!

My stint in the hospital is finally over and I just got home less than an hour ago. I'm so happy to see the cats I could pop, although they're all acting more like I'm some new curiosity rather than a long-absent pal. Damn them. This will probably be one of my longest updates ever because I have a lot of experiences to talk about. I hope none of it gets too boring, though. :)

Everything started when I went to my usual Monday wound care visit. I felt kind of bummed out because I had to go alone, but at least with the paratransit service it's a door-to-door trip and even with the pain I was in I could handle it all myself. My doctor came in to see me, took one look at my leg, and I could tell that I was in for bad news. As it turns out, I had a pretty savage strep infection from my foot almost all up to the knee on my left leg, and the wound culture report made it perfectly plain that I had no option but to submit to long courses of IV antibiotics. Every single oral antibiotic had the word resist showing next to it. The doctor asked me what where I would prefer to be treated, and my answer was "anywhere but where I went last time". So, straight to the ER I went for admission to the same hospital where this facility was.

Everything about my treatment, right from the start, was handled much more competently and thoroughly than it ever was last time. I was also visited every day right from the outset by the Physical Therapy staff, who provided me with resistance bands and other things to help regain my strength. On the fourth day I was asked if I wanted to be moved up to another floor, where Physical and Occupational Therapy could be given on a daily basis right there at the hospital. I immediately jumped at the chance because there's no doubt I needed a lot of help just getting any sort of stamina back. I began working out a minimum of two hours per day, working on both upper and lower body strength and endurance. It has become clear to me that I'm going to have to be extremely careful with impact on my left heel, because just by walking around the halls and marching in place that pain is starting to rear its ugly head again. On the bright side, it's not in any way related to my other problems and as my weight drops it will become less of an issue.

My recovery has been very quick and nearly total, which is especially amazing because two of the toes on my left foot never completely healed after my Dec. 2006 hospital stay and subsequent home treatments. I just went back to work with no stamina whatsoever, coupled with crippling pain and weakness, only for everything to set right back in even worse than before. This time around my outcome will be just the opposite. I've been given the resources to follow up on anything I need to, and in fact I'll even be continuing my IV treatments for another week just to be sure I'm all clear and able to heal fully before all is said and done.

The only real problem I had with this stay was with the complete incompetence (and negligence too, just for kicks) of the contractor who ran the kitchen. I won't go into everything other than to say that it was a daily fight to get the kinds of things I specified, and once I recieved the gift of a wire twist-tie from a bread bag in my sandwich. It was in my mouth and had almost been swallowed before my teeth struck it, or very likely I'd have ended up getting a bonus surgery to go with my wound care and rehab. I still have it wrapped in a paper towel in my wallet, and even though this happened a week or more ago I'm still dogged by thoughts of swallowing a metal wire every time I eat something. Fucking idiots, and thank goodness the medical staff had it much more together than they did. :eyes:

As for our roommate, he was also hospitalized for a few days. He no longer has any infections, and they were nice enough to give him a large quantity of bandages and compression supplies to help his legs heal. I've already informed him that I expect him to exercise with me at least a little bit every day. Hopefully my motivation and energy will be contagious in that regard.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I need to take a moment to schedule my home health care and then it's off to get in some cardio workout time and some reps with a resistance band. I'm still not ready to talk numbers, and don't know when I will be, but I'm very pleased to announce that I'm down 24 pounds from the day of my paratransit intake session, and 14 of that was lost during this hospital stay. My bed was a bariatric one that had a built-in scale, so weighing in was no problem. And for once, the scale in question not only could weigh me, but could weight two of me. :) Thanks for reading! Peace out.

[Longhorn]

19. This is such great news!

I have such high hopes for you! Thanks for such a quick update! I'm looking forward to reading more and more about how you're finally on the true road to good health! :hug:

[auntAgonist]

20. Welcome home Kirk!

It is so good to hear your news. I'm glad that in the end you managed to get some really good medical care. This is such good news indeed.

I will hope to hear more from you as the days go by.

Please take good care of yourself.

as always.

kesha.

[KC]

21. I'm glad

to hear you are home and doing better Kirk.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing !

KC

[Systematic Chaos]

22. Update for 3/26

Most of the news since my last post has been very good. I'm beginning to understand just how hard it can really be to regain full mobility and function after so many months of barely doing anything, but I'm continuing to progress at a slow but steady pace. We went out to Trader Joe's yesterday, and I walked around the store for a total of about 50 minutes, taking a short sit break about halfway through. By the time we got home my legs were beat like crazy, but my lower back didn't give me too much of a problem. There is absolutely no way I could have done this a month ago.

I've been making a project out of coming up with ways to emulate as many of the fast food or prepared food items that we used to enjoy as I possibly can, using much healthier ingredients. I'm very happy with the results so far. Last night we tried making mini pizzas on sprouted grain tortillas, using marinara sauce, sliced mushrooms, Tofurky sausage, serrano chili peppers, and a light sprinkle of parmesan cheese over the top (maybe 1/2 ounce, and no pizza cheese at all), all baked in the oven for a few minutes on our old pizza stone. Awesome! They're definitely going to become a regular item around here, and other variations will be tried too. Some fat-free refried beans, homemade guacamole, and chopped veggies would yield an instant guiltless tostada! The site vegweb.com is an excellent resource for delicious, inexpensive food ideas, and I would recommend it to anybody who wants easy access to healthier eating. There are some soup and casserole recipes on there so easy a dead dog could whip them up, and the users of the site give some of them very high marks.

Since money continues to be very tight, I'm going to be calling Play It Again Sports to see if there are any deals on used or decent new dumbbells or resistance bands. It is going to take me a while -- maybe a month or two -- to really get comfortable back on my feet, as I learned from shopping yesterday. I'm still godawful sore from it. This hasn't stopped me from doing a little bit of marching in place and some partial squats today, but I will be forced to contend with limits to some activities in the short term. None of this has any bearing whatsoever on how much I can work on my abs and upper body though. I can burn nearly as many calories using my upper muscles as I can my lower ones to start with. I figure the rest of me will catch up just fine once my weight is back to having a "3" for the first digit. And even losing just 3 pounds a week that will be easily doable before 2008 is through.

That's it for me for right now. I hope the rest of you out there are succeeding at whatever you may be trying to do. Peace out. :)

[Longhorn]

23. I'm so glad to hear that the news continues to be good!

You truly are inspiring!

Do you not still have your recumbent exercise bike, or am I confusing you with someone else? I got one, too, and I need to start exercising, not so much for weight control, but because I understand it can actually help with the fatigue from radiation and chemotherapy. (I was diagnosed with uterine cancer about three weeks ago and I'm going to MD Anderson in Houston next week.)

Thanks for the update and recipe ideas! I believe you are truly on the path to good health now! :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

24. Yes, I do have a recumbent. I use it for short periods right now.

I'm planning to increase the times on it steadily. I also have a smaller machine which acts like a nice arm bike. So, my cardio stuff is covered. I just need to concentrate on growing stronger and developing stamina too.

This is the first I've read about your cancer diagnosis. I really hope everything will turn out okay for you! My mother-in-law's current partner has also been diagnosed with cancer, so I'm e-mailing her with any ideas I can come up with to help him recover. Same as with him, my advice to you is to keep exercising if at all possible, get lots of water, and unless indicated otherwise by your treatment regimen eat all the veggies you can. Those plant phytonutrients can play a big part in helping your recovery.

Thanks again for your encouragement and please get well!

[Longhorn]

25. Thanks!

It's only been a little over three weeks since my diagnosis so I'm still learning! I'm not much of a veggie eater so I may need to get back to juicing when I get back from MD Anderson. My best to you and your family! :hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

26. Update for 3/29

It's been a pretty good couple of days. I went to my first appointment with my new wound care doctor, who is a colleague of the doctor who treated me at Summerlin Hospital this month. Paratransit really screwed me up on that, but at least I did get 20 minutes for the nurses to quickly photograph and redress my remaining bad spots before I had to literally run back downstairs. They got me to my appointment over 40 minutes late, but managed to be exactly on time to pick me back up. The driver was just phoning dispatch to say I was a no-show and was about to drive off when I burst out the door and got his attention, or I don't know how I'd have gotten home. The main city bus is free to me with my paratransit ID, but just getting to the first stop was a walk of about 2-3 long blocks, since this office was tucked back behind a bunch of other buildings on some dinky side street. Right now that is still beyond me without having somewhere to stop and sit every hundred yards or so and I knew that wasn't in the cards. Anyway, for what it was it turned out alright and I will plan for a longer time window for next week so if this happens again I won't be up a creek. In other news, I'm a poet and don't know it.... :P

My blood sugar has been doing surprisingly well due to my diet changes. No readings above the 180s after meals, and pre-meal readings have all been from the 80s to the 130s. They were giving me small (never more than 4 units and usually 2 or 3) insulin shots in the hospital to keep me as close to normal as possible so as not to jeopardize my healing. When I questioned them, the doctors all agreed that once I was mostly healed and on my own, I would actually be better off staying away from insulin if I were consistently below 200 because insulin can hamper weight loss. They were confident that if I kept to the diet I spoke of and exercised daily that I would ultimately be okay. I hope to ultimately be free of these medications I'm taking=

As far as eating goes, I'm doing very well all day long but I'm having a problem limiting myself at dinner time. Jeanette tends to come home very late and I tend to hold off on dinner until she's home so that we can make something for the two of us. From now on I'm going to have a small bowl of cereal or piece of fruit in the early evening so that I don't end up having so big a late dinner. That should help save me about 300 - 400 calories a day and keep me in the 1400 - 1800 per day range I want to stay in. In the exercise department, I just got done doing 7.5 minutes on the recumbent before typing this. I'm going to try and do two more of those today, or at least one more, in addition to at least 20 minutes with the arm bike.

I thought I would close this post with some thoughts about the role music plays in my motivation and energy. While I was in the hospital I had my mp3 player with me, but no way to recharge the internal battery once it died. So, I could only use it for one day and thank goodness I saved it for one day when the cable TV got knocked out all afternoon and night. I ended up listening to the latest album from one of my favorite progressive bands, Dream Theater. The album is called Systematic Chaos, and I want to officially proclaim it as my own personal soundtrack for this journey I'm undertaking. It's got everything in it from songs that take me back 20 years to when I was younger and hanging out with my friends from that time playing Dungeons and Dragons all-nighters. It's got a song called Constant Motion, which while the lyrics are mostly about more dark and obsessive thoughts, to me represent the massive expenditure of energy needed to undertake all of this; I suppose you could choose to look at it positively if you really wanted. Then there is Prophets of War, which is one of the most scathing critiques of the whole Iraq quagmire I've heard yet. The song Repentance is one of a series of songs which the band's drummer, Mike Portnoy, has written detailing his own battle with alcoholism. It really hits home about the emotional darkness and fear that I was so embroiled in for the past year (may that be behind me for good). Granted, this won't be everyone's style of music. Hell, even some diehard DT fans have a habit of picking each of the band's albums apart and finding something that there's not enough of, or too much of, or just plain stupid with each new album over the ones which came before. But anywho, there you have some information and lyrics for the curious. :)

Time to go exercise some more. Until next time!


Edit for typo

[lavenderdiva]

27. that's terrific news, GG-

I'm so glad to hear things have taken a MUCH more positive turn for you! and glad to hear that your wounds are healing nicely. I'm SO glad that your new doctor and nurses have given you a plan that you can follow, and its helping you so much.

I think your idea of having a light snack earlier in the evening, will help you not to eat so much later in the night when you are having dinner. You seem to be doing so well with your exercise routing as well; I'm sure that is helping you in so many ways-- your health, your hunger, and your outlook.

I'm so glad you are posting updates for us! Please keep it up- :hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

28. My only regret is that I didn't force the issue last year.

I got thrown to the wolves long before I was ready in any regard last time around. I wasn't healed, I could barely move, I was in constant pain, yet still I had to suck it up and try to function normally. NO SHIT that's gonna lead to a complete relapse when you're already carrying around more than twice what you should be! :grr:

This time it's different. We're in debt up to our eyebrows, and if anything happens with Jeanette's job before I can work again we'll be in a very desperate situation, but I know somehow we'll make it. :)

[Systematic Chaos]

29. Update for 4/6

Not a whole lot to add right now. My legs are continuing to heal and the doctor is keeping compression on them from the knee down to insure against swelling. The non-vegan items are slowly being phased out of the apartment, and will be replaced with their healthier alternatives over time. Really about the only non-vegan things I'm eating at all now are mayo a couple times a week and dairy cheese - usually parmesan - in small amounts. I'm still contending with a lot of soreness and I tend to want to sleep quite a bit, but I'm not alarmed by that because I believe I'm continuing to slowly lose weight. It may be due to the fact that my blood sugar is approaching normal, and may also be due to the fact that my body underwent a lot of healing in a short span of time.

Anyhow, that's about it. I wanted to be sure to post, though, so that nobody thought I was starting to slip. Rather, it's more a case of not a whole lot to talk about.

I hope the rest of you WL/M forum regulars are doing well. :hi: :grouphug:

[auntAgonist]

30. So a little news IS good news.

I'm really happy that things are going well for you Kirk. The healing is finally taking place and your body is feeling better. I hope the soreness goes away soon though.

It sounds like you're on a good road now!
Continued good health and healing to you.

:loveya:

kesha

[lavenderdiva]

31. I think the fact that your legs are healing is great news!

As that continues, you will be able to be a bit more active, and ride your bike, and maybe do a bit of walking exercise. You are also continuing your healthy diet, and not lapsing on that. You are making more progress than you give yourself credit for! Keep it up!! :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

32. Tonight's dinner is absolutely DELICIOUS!!

We took a bag of bok choy and snow peas that Trader Joe's sells as a stir-fry base, added a brick of extra firm tofu, and stir fried it in a non-stick pan with about a tablespoon of olive oil. We seasoned it with Bragg's Liquid Aminos, which is a soy sauce substitute with wonderful flavor yet only about 1/9th the sodium of regular soy sauce. That was served over organic whole wheat pasta which was very lightly buttered with Smart Balance Light spread (just enough to keep the pasta from sticking).

Perfect, low fat, low calorie, low sodium meal, packed with good protein and unrefined carbohydrates. And did I mention it's DELICIOUS? :D

[lavenderdiva]

33. sounds yummy!

it sounds like you are experimenting with healthy ingredients in new ways, and being very successful at it! Finding new ways to create meals you love, it quite a trick! :hi:

[Longhorn]

34. You really are amazing!

You've had to overcome so much adversity yet you keep working hard to improve your health! You really are inspiring! Thanks for the update and congratulations! :yourock:

I start chemo on Wednesday -- I'll try to channel some of your strength. :)

[Systematic Chaos]

35. You will be in my thoughts, Longhorn.

I wish you all the best with getting through this with a swift and total recovery.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It is my hope that once I have achieved a normal weight, I will be able to use my experiences and insight to try and help others.

[Broken_Hero]

37. Damn....

its been awhile since I've checked in here, but damn...I'm glad you made it through this ordeal. Nothing ever is easy, is it?

Stay strong brother, :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

38. It's nice to see you here again.

Thanks for coming back in and posting. I totally understand if you aren't feeling up to it (been there, done that, bought several of the t-shirts...) but it would be nice to hear how you're doing. But, most importantly of all, thank you just for saying hello and for the sentiment. I'm trying my dog-damned best. :)

[Broken_Hero]

39. yeah, its true...

I've been ignoring this group for a while, 99% of the reason is because I feel so...worthless(basically).

I have started another go at it though...just started this past Monday, hopefully I can keep my spirits up, because my weight issues greatly impact my life, and I hate it.

[Longhorn]

40. So glad to hear from you!

You've been on my mind, too! I understand how you feel but I'm glad that you're back -- both in the forum and on track! And you know this but you definitely aren't worthless! :hug:

[Broken_Hero]

43. Thanks, I appreciate

the kind words, they do mean a lot to me....:hi: :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

41. It's a pattern we both MUST break, D.

My latest hospitalization and turnaround came less than two weeks after I openly admitted to my primary doctor that I was suicidal. I had given up on myself, on the medical establishment, and everything. But somehow I got another chance, got the right kind of care, and now I have a new lease on life. I have sworn a solemn vow to myself and my wife that I will never go there again. I'll find some kind of help - ANY kind of help - before I throw in the towel.

Now that you have found your way back here, I ask you to please do whatever you must to convince yourself that you are worth the effort to get your weight down and your health back. I'm sure you have people in your life who care about you just as I do. Jeanette came the closest to flipping her lid she's ever done in the six years I've known her just before that talk I had with my doctor. Realizing just how much my own feelings of hopelessness were affecting her was what gave me the swift kick I needed to pull it together again.

Keep posting here if you can. Forget all about the numbers, and even what you're eating or how much you are or aren't exercising. Don't publicly announce any achievements if it's going to cause you to feel mounting pressure to succeed. Seriously. Just talk about the good things in your life and ask for help with the bad - at least in a general sense. Everyone here will listen to you and encourage you in any way they can. And why wouldn't they? You're worth it, man. :)

[Broken_Hero]

44. Again, thanks for the kind words,

and words of encouragement, they mean a lot, they truly do. I know I'm worth the effort to lose the weight, there is just...a lot of speed bumps on that path, but here I am again...:)

Your struggles trump mine by a lot, your issues with your foot/legs, and what not...stay strong, and I'll do my best....

[Systematic Chaos]

45. 4/17 - Just here to say a quick hello.

Hello everyone. I just wanted to check in real quick to let everyone know I'm still doing okay. Today was wound care and that went fine. We've been making a lot of bean/vegetable soup in our slow cooker lately. It's amazing how far you can stretch a few $1.19 bags of beans and split peas, along with the produce available from our nearby 99 Cent Store. :)

Since there's not a whole lot else I can do, I've been playing a lot of free poker tournaments on PokerStars.com this past couple of weeks. It is possible there to win entries into fairly big money tournaments for free (even the 2008 World Series of Poker!), so I've been playing a lot and trying to learn the games. Most of the money given away for free is peanuts, but there are weekend freeroll tournies with top prizes over $200, as well as a daily freeroll where the top 5 finishers get a free entry into the daily $50k tournament. If you finish in the bottom award category there (like 250th) you get about $70, and the top prize in that one is close to $10k. Not bad for free! I actually managed to win a whole dollar last weekend, but I took it to a sit & go tournament and ended up out of the money. Maybe next time, eh? Other than that, I listen to a lot of music and do my daily exercises. No big whoop.

So, how are all you other WL/M regulars? :wave:

[Broken_Hero]

46. Its good to see that you are doing better,

:D I was addicted to pokerstars.net(or is it com?) for quite a while, but I haven't been on there for at least a year or so, but it is quite fun. :)

I'm doing good, I'm down 11lbs since a week ago monday, still doing good, I just feel utterly tired...but thats part of the territory.

I'm so glad that you are doing better, :toast:

[Systematic Chaos]

47. 5/02 - Sorry I've been gone a while

For starters, please let me assure all of you that I'm doing well, all things considered. I just got back from wound care, where it was decided that I should have a bit less compression on my legs for a while. Overall, they're looking much better. I can look at myself now and see some real progress toward weight loss. I wish I could quantify it, but I have no idea where there might be a scale I could weigh myself on. Wound care doesn't even have one, and my primary doctor's office only has the sliding bar type that max out at 350.

I have to be really careful with my left arm right now. It would appear that ten years of dealing cards out of shoes at blackjack tables may have caused some kind of repetitive motion injury to my left shoulder. I can't reach straight up at all, and if I reach out too far or even flex the muscles near that shoulder the wrong way, I get a nice bolt of pain. None of this really manifested itself at all until the past few months, but it is getting noticeably worse lately. Oh, well, what can you do? :shrug:

Most of my time I spend between playing poker online and doing my exercises, most of which can be done just by standing up at my chair or even while sitting down. Yesterday was the first time I managed a total of 200 mini-squats, in sets of 20, going down a minimum of 6-8 inches and holding each one for at least 2 seconds. Lots of bending, seated crunches, and resistance band work (within the limits of my left arm) as well.

As for poker, I won $4.60 in a freeroll tournament two weekends ago, and playing the absolutely lowest stakes games I have slowly nursed it into over $30. I realize that this is hardly anything in the grand scheme of things, but to me it represents a pretty major source of pride because it is the only money I've made in quite a long time. I'm starting to see how it is possible to slowly, over time, hone my strategies and ever so slowly move from the $0.02/$0.05 no limit hold-em tables I'm on now, to the five-and-dime, then dime-quarter, quarter-half, and maybe even $1/$2 tables. I'm not greedy. I'd be thrilled just to average a couple hundred a week, if even that, until I'm back in shape to start working again. But who knows? Chris Moneymaker turned $39 in an online satellite into millions at the World Series of Poker, and he hadn't even played in a live tournament before that win. Could I be next? Is * a complete fascist, boor-headed, moronic pig? :)

Oh, and have I mentioned how delicious tofu egg salad is? Jeanette loves egg salad, and I hate eggs, but both of us agree that dicing up a block of super-firm tofu and then throwing in all the usual egg salad accoutrements yields some of the most delicious sandwiches, EVAH! Heap it up on some sprouted grain bread and top with onion, tomato, alfalfa sprouts, or whatever else you got on hand and you won't be sorry. :D

Time to hit the tables again! Peace out.

[auntAgonist]

48. Hey GG !

It sounds like your days are going well. I'm glad the wound care is doing what it's supposed to do and that you're getting in some exercise too!
Good for you for staying on track. You're gonna make it my friend, just you wait and see.

Me, I'm doing ok. Down in the dumps over a few things of late and tonight was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. I joined the ranks of the 'temporarily' (they say) laid off. :shrug:
I don't know what we'll do if I don't get called back. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

:hug: you hang in there Kirk, I see nothing but good things up the road for you and yours.

aA

[Longhorn]

50. I'm sorry to hear about the layoff

and I hope along with you that it is only temporary. Good luck and take care! :hug:

[Longhorn]

49. Always glad for an update

especially when the news is good. We care about you! :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

51. Just call me shit-for-veins....

So I just got the results of yet another ultrasound yesterday, only this time it was one where they got data from my legs below the knee as well as above. It seems that my problem isn't clots; rather, it is that the valves in my veins which transport blood back up towards the heart are completely shot to hell. This causes blood and fluid to pool in the feet and calves, which ultimately causes fluid to leak out through the skin creating ulcers as it goes. I have ten years of casino dealing, standing rooted to the spot for hours per day, while carrying an average of 150 extra pounds to blame for this, as well as the fact that my veins were very small and deep to start with.

I'll be seeing the vascular doctor again this coming week. She told me the first time I met her that there are some very good treatments for these types of problems, and the negative clot results are something very much in my favor. BUT, I have a hard time believing that my insurance is going to be too keen on much of whatever they have to offer. Maybe they'll surprise me. At least, I hope they do.

Another problem I'm facing right now is that the tendons in the bottom of my left foot are doing their plantar fasciitis thing again in spades. I can be just sitting here, like I am now, with my feet on the floor but 90% of my weight in a chair, and before long it will begin to feel like someone is trying to yank the connective tissue out of the bottom of that foot with a pair of pliers. I spend a lot of time in bed, because that's the only place I can go where the pain is diminished. I've already been through several cortisone shots and massive doses of anti-inflammatories such as indomethacin and prednisone in the past, and I refuse to undergo those types of treatments ever again, because they only offer temporary relief for my foot pain while further aggravating my circulation problems, with the added bonus of kidney damage and possible heart failure. No fucking thanks. :(

So for now, I continue to eat light and healthy, and do my best to get in some exercise when I'm feeling up to it. You know how sometimes in movies, for comedic effect, they will have some old presumably Jewish guy who is a complete hypochondriac? Or if any of you have ever watched the episodes of South Park with Kyle's nephew? I'm really beginning to feel like that sort of person, only all this shit isn't in my head. It's real and I have to contend with it constantly. Personally, I am really starting to get tired of it....

It's funny, though. I'm not really all that depressed, considering. I keep thinking that ultimately I can get my weight down regardless of whatever else may happen. And, even if my legs are kind of fried, it doesn't appear as if my vital organs are in that bad of shape. You gotta grab on to those pluses anywhere you can find them, I guess.

One final thing. Jeanette and I celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary on the 8th of this month. No matter what things are like for me now, I have no doubt they'd have been far, far, far worse at this point if we hadn't found each other. :)

[lavenderdiva]

52. Hey, GG-

thank you for the update. You have been on my mind recently, wondering how you are doing. I am glad that you finally have a diagnosis that makes sense. And it sounds like your recent ultrasound provided some answers. I am so glad that your vascular doctor feels there are some good remedies for the issues you face. I do hope that she can convince your insurance company to cover these therapies.

That you have the positive outlook you do is commendable. Many others in your situation may not have responded so well. Your spirit sounds upbeat despite the challenges you face.

Congratulations on your wedding anniversary! We share the same anniversary date!!! Mr. ld and I were married June 8, 2002; so for us this year, it will be 6 years.

I'm SO glad you have Jeanette beside you, helping you through this situation. You can see her love for you, and how much she cares about your well-being.

Thanks again for sharing and giving us an update! :hi:

[auntAgonist]

53. "You gotta grab on to those pluses anywhere you can find them, I guess."

Kirk you are SO right on so many levels :)
I'm sorry things are the way they are for you and I sincerely hope that this vascular Dr. can do something about the problem! I can't imagine the insurance company denying any medical treatment, oh wait .. well ... I'm going to hope that they won't deny ANY treatment. Damned Insurance Companies anyway!

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU AND JEANETTE ON YOUR 5TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

You were meant for each other I think :)

:toast: to a long and healthier life together ! !

:grouphug:

sincerely.

kesha.

[Longhorn]

54. Thanks for the update!

I certainly understand how you feel about chronic illnesses. I'm already sick of my situation and it has only affected me since March. But you're also right that it could be worse. Even my diagnosis of Stage IV cervical cancer that is inoperable and incurable could be worse. My treatment is working and I have hope of controlling the cancer, maybe for many years. The treatments haven't been that bad and haven't affected my life that much. Frankly, you've been affected much more by your ailments! It doesn't necessarily make me feel better to know that it could be worse but it does remind me to be grateful that it hasn't been.

I'll look forward to hearing what the vascular doctor says! I feel like you've been headed in the right direction since you changed doctors and the news will only continue to get better! :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

55. I just learned a lot from my vascular doctor today.

As it turns out, I have three broken veins in my left leg. One of the main veins in my thigh, and two connecting veins in my calf, have defective valves. So, blood is not able to get back up the leg towards the heart without great difficulty.

My doctor has explained that the thigh vein can be fixed with a laser surgical procedure, and the two smaller veins can be treated with some sort of injection. In addition, I would need to wear a specially fitted compression device on my entire leg from foot to groin. For a week. Without taking it off. :cry:

Jeanette believes that as it stands, my condition should qualify me for Social Security/Disability. It's a fact that almost anything I do, including just sitting here at the computer, causes me great discomfort after only a couple of hours. I can't think of any job I could perform right now without needing excessive break time and/or enough pain medication to render me a zombie. This stretch of time, since this past February, is the longest period of time I've been out of work since I was 17. It's completely alien to me and it is also a huge blow to my pride to know that I'm not bringing any income at all into our household.

My previous efforts to communicate with my insurance company and try to accomplish something have been nothing but one big huge mire of bullshit. I'm not looking forward to having to appeal to them for these procedures. Hopefully, this won't be a highly stressful process, but we'll know soon enough.... :eyes:

[Broken_Hero]

56. Damn,

well I hope the surgeries work man, I can't imagine the pain you must be going through, :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

57. Thanks, brah. It's always great to hear from you here.

I hope you've been doing well for yourself of late. :)

[Broken_Hero]

58. Doing good,

I'm still bike riding, doing 12 miles a day...I'm down 29lbs so far...it hasn't been that bad yet...its nice being able to exercise any time of the day/night, and I'm not bound by the weather, to walk my dirt road.