My "Tour of Las Vegas by Hospital" continues. Same shit, another 35 days.

[Systematic Chaos]

Hello all. I have just been the victim of yet another go-around with cellulitis, because thus far nobody has stepped up to try and treat the underlying causes (edema and lymphedema brought on by my venous insufficiency and bad vein valves). I think this is finally about to change, and I will know more after my regular wound care appointment later today.

Right now it's time for bed. But, I really wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm still here. I'll have a lot more to say when I have more time to post. I hope all of you regulars are doing well. :hug:

[Longhorn]

1. I hope the news is good.

Thanks for the quick update and looking forward to more news! :hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

2. Thank you, Longhorn, for your reply.

I hope you're doing well. :)

There will be more to read below, shortly. Lots more. :P

[lavenderdiva]

3. thank you for the update, GG

I've been wondering about you! I hope you are on the upswing. I look forward to your more detailed update-- :hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

5. Enjoy!

:evilgrin:

[Systematic Chaos]

4. Just got back from wound care, so here's my post as promised:

I have now been back from my 3rd cellulitis hospitalization for a week. This time, I got to see two places in one visit. The first was the hospital my wound care team contracts through (love the wound care doctors, HATE their hospital!!), followed by another stay at a long-term care facility for more of those lovely IV antibiotics and whatnot.

How about I divide this post into two sections. I'll do all my bitching, pissing, moaning and gut spilling in the first half; then I'll talk about the positives and my future plans in the second half.

Part One: GG Bitches, Pisses, Moans and Spills His Guts (In hi-def where available)

I can't remember how much of this backstory I've already gone over in previous posts, and right now I'm feeling way too lazy to go back and read them all. I guess this will make a nice recap of some things then, but there's plenty of new stuff too.

I do know that I've discussed my hospitalization back in March of this year, and how while I was there I underwent a lot of physical therapy and regained a pretty decent amount of stamina for someone my size. What I know I didn't have the courage to admit up to this point is just how bad my weight had gotten. I'm still embarrassed as hell about it, because being in the low 400s throughout 2005 and into 2006 was bad enough. But, when you're barely able to move around, naturally tend to eat more (and mind you, not even huge puking binges - just more than normal, and enough random grazing throughout the day to hit maybe 3000 - 4000 calories and not even realize it), and have no scale to show you just how bad things are getting, it's pretty amazing just how out of hand stuff gets.

Here goes: Last December, at my paratransit intake assessment, one of the steps is to weigh prospective riders. I step on this big ol' scale which is designed for people in wheelchairs, real big boxes, etc... and lo and behold! I get this beautiful reading of 519. How someone gains about 80 more pounds and doesn't even realize/want to admit/see/observe/grok it is now one of my new personal mysteries, but there it is. I immediately started taking steps to rectify that situation somehow, some way, even though between my all-over weakness and constant pain I could barely bring myself to move. I also forced myself to eat less... most of the time.

By the time I was admitted in March I had managed to drop to 510, and dropped further to 495 during my 18-day stay there. Right after getting out I'm sure I dropped even more, at first, because I was once again able to go with my wife to Trader Joe's and stay on my feet for nearly an hour without needing rest. I ate really healthy at least 90% of the time and stayed active. Despite all of this I still managed to have my left foot literally erupt in blisters from my toes to my ankle, and still had my cellulitis come back. Only this time it was staph instead of strep that came to call. Hey, variety is the spice of life and all that, right? :eyes:

My wound care and foot doctors came to an easy consensus that my main problems are comprised of that famous trio; Edema, Lymphedema and the Happy Shining Venous Insufficiency, who just happen to be out and about on their 48,000th Anniversary Tour. Go check 'em out while tickets are still available! What this means in a nutshell is that my legs - and especially the left one with the three busted vein valves - have a natural tendency to attract any fluids in a 742.889425 furlong radius, give or take a couple nano-pinhead radii. Who knows? Some of that old motor oil from your last visit to the repair shop back in 1982 just might be hanging out in my leg! And then all these fluids just kinda oooooooooooze this-a-way and that-a-way. And when they're done oooooooooooze-ing they say, "Oooh look, Harriet! There's a whole world of adventure waiting beyond this here fat dude's leg! Let's make tracks, babe!", whereupon they seek any and every avenue of escape. And that, kids, is where all the fun blisters and ulcers come from! Oh, that old Ulcer Stork (tm)? He's just a fairy tale, silly!

Lastly, I should throw in as an aside that my left rotator cuff is starting to go completely out on me, and I'm steadily losing strength and range of motion in my left arm. Just casually reaching over to grab a napkin the wrong way can send a spike of pain down my arm (or once, I swear to God, up my neck and face and into the left side of my head) which renders me totally useless for the next five minutes. The only possible cause for this that I can think of would be repetitive motion stress from dealing cards out of a blackjack shoe at lightning speed for ten years. I haven't done anything else, that I know of anyway, which could have caused this. The rub is that while x-rays prove inconclusive an MRI would almost certainly spot wherever the tear or other problem lies so if nothing else at least I'd have a diagnosis to show when I go to apply for disability. But not so fast! There is only one MRI machine in the whole of Vegas that they could find which I could fit into, but they're booked solid for months!

:silly::dunce::freak::dunce::silly:

:crazy::mad::hurts::spank::grr::argh::grr::spank::hurts::mad::crazy:

*sigh*

So whaddya say we move on to Part Two? Still with me? Not experiencing any thoughts of suicide by Yoko Ono marathon? Sweet!

Part Two: GG is Going to Find a Fucking Bright Spot No Matter What. So There!!

In spite of all this other crap, some good stuff really has been happening. For example, my insurance company went ahead and shipped me my own hi-capacity scale to be able to weigh myself on. It goes to 550 and I don't ever expect to need more than that. Also, while I was in the hospital my wife and roommate coordinated our move from the studio apartment we were in, to a pretty nice two bedroom unit. Jeanette and I finally have back the privacy we've missed for most of the last two years and that in and of itself is a huge relief to me.

Lucky me, I'm finally going to be starting lymphedema treatments next Monday! For now it will only be on the right leg, but once the left one heals up fully they can begin using the machines on that leg too.

Our roommate got his disability and Social Security benefits and was entitled to nearly two whole years of back pay. His way of paying us back for all the time he lived with us for free has been to help with moving costs, buy both of us some much-needed clothing and other items, and most awesome of all Jeanette and I now each have our own computer for the first time since we first met. I'm happily typing this up on a brand new iMac running Windows XP in Boot Camp. There's nothing this baby can't do and do well from what I've seen thus far.

Another awesome thing that happened while I was in the hospital is that my foot doctor called in a favor and had a gentleman from a diabetic shoe company bring in several really large pairs of shoes for me to try. For the first time in over a year I have something other than a walking shoe on my right foot and a flimsy little surgical foot thingy on my left foot to wear. I think these shoes (size 15 extra-wide, by the way!) will be very helpful for my feet, and I will be contacting these guys again with the money for a new pair when the ones I have now finally give out.

Lastly, I've been thinking a lot about this pattern I have to really get gung-ho about stuff, only to get easily discouraged and lose my motivation and focus. Since I've been here posting in this group I've had a lot of false starts and been through some colossal ups and downs. This leads me to wonder: Just how many other people out there are in this same boat I am? Just how many other people out there are very overweight but can't conquer the problem because of limitations, be they physical, emotional, or most importantly in my mind, derived from lack of funds or insurance or maybe just insurance which will only meet somebody halfway? My insurance has now had to pay for a total of 63 hospital days and several weeks of home health visits since 2006. I think about that and have to wonder just how much cheaper it may have been - and how much better off I'd be now - had they not just opted to let me have lapband surgery instead?

I have every reason to be alive, vital and happy. I have a partner in life of a caliber which a great percentage of people out there may never encounter in their lifetimes. I have an IQ which consistently tests between 136 and 141 and I absorb - not fluids this time, but knowledge - like a sponge gone haywire. I'm nothing like the guy back in 2002, who just before taking that one final shot at online dating thought that his only purpose in life was to make sure his compulsive gambling mother wouldn't end up back out in the streets because feeding slot machines was more important than paying Section 8 rent. That person couldn't fucking wait to die in his sleep. Not this person.

But, let's face it. In the past few years I have come charging like the proverbial bull in the china shop, guns a-blazing, ready to take on the world, yadda yadda fuckin' yadda. I started a blog at one point. I've thought about doing other things as well in all areas of life. And then either something happens to distract me, or the next health issue comes along, or I get down. And then Gentle Giant faw down go boom.

All I would like at this point is for everything I'm going through to somehow be a beneficial lesson for others. I don't care how or in what capacity exactly, or whether or not I even find out about it or am compensated for it. But I think of my own situation, and imagine just the tip of the iceberg of how many others out there are stuck in this same pattern and can't get out for whatever reason and it drives me completely fucking bugshit! I'm a very intelligent, viable person who just needs to get this weight off and then voila!, my whole world would change. How many tens of thousands (hundreds of thousands? MILLIONS??) of us out there, in this country are stymied either by themselves, or this piece of putrid shit "healthcare system"? Or a combination of the two?

Now, I know there is this whole Fat Acceptance thing going on out there, and that's all well and good. We need to be accepted. We need to be loved. But some (the vast majority?) of us want to not be fat at all. That would describe me, but beyond that I would also like to help inspire others in a truly proactive way. I've watched every season of The Biggest Loser, and at one time had aspirations of getting on the show not just for the shot at some decent money, but to be an inspiration to others. Frankly, there is no way that could happen right now because of these underlying issues I have. There would be no way for me to safely complete the challenges that they do on the show, but that certainly doesn't mean I can't exercise at all. I've also been watching Big Medicine on TLC whenever I get a chance. It's a rather fascinating show with people on it that I can relate to. I visited the website for the show. I think it's great what that father and son doctor team can accomplish... for those with the bling. But, when I watch the little online interviews and listen to the older of the two doctors explain how, paraphrasing, "some of our patients have to decide whether they want to go out and buy that new car or have surgery to lose the weight...", I just have to take a step back and go :wtf:? How many 500-pounders out there have any car at all? How many 500-pounders can just pony up for this massively expensive procedure out-of-pocket if they're uninsured, or their insurance is too retarded to do the most logical thing? Maybe it's just me, but it really saddens me to see just how out of touch and elitist our medical system is.

So that leaves me with these burning questions: How can I succeed at what I need to do in spite of odds which seem longer by the month, and still be able to help others in the process? How many others out there need to see the face of another who is in the same boat they're in, remind them that they are not alone and that it's not always as hopeless as it seems? This led me to that cat-abuse-video-good-intellectual-property-infringement-BAAAAD website I love to hate: YouTube. I did a search for "obese" and was immediately greeted with countless videos of some terribly overweight young girl doing a happy dance. I also got to see clips from various shows on Discovery Health and TLC which I've already watched. Oh, and then there was the guy who proved using the BMI index that Mike Tyson, in his prime, was obese. Yeah, sure! Maybe I didn't search long enough or explore enough hits, but damned if I didn't see a single obese person there willing to talk about their lives and their daily struggle to get the weight off and stay at least kinda emotionally intact.

I know what I am right now. If I could cash in my frustration and outrage at the bank I could singlehandedly pay off the National Debt and buy everyone in the country a brand new William Hung Greatest Hits CD! But alas, that is not to be. :cry:

I also know what I'm not. I'm no longer ashamed or afraid of who or what I am. Or my body. Or even my future. At least not now. And I would really like to find a way to continue feeling this way tomorrow, next week, next month, and in 2060 should I be blessed with that long a life. And, for whatever it's worth, I would like to brave the insults and bullshit from the knuckledraggers and mouthbreathers - you know, REPUKES!! - and just say what I feel needs to be said, and invite anyone else out there to do the same without their own fear and shame getting in the way.

If ever I can locate my cojones, I think I'd like to start a video journal which people can respond to, in the hopes that maybe it will lead to a focused movement for change and more adequate treatment for those of us who are otherwise going without. Way too many lives are being lost, and immeasurable potential wasted on the numbers of us out there who pass a point beyond which return is epically difficult. There just isn't any reason for it, just as there was no reason for thousands to die during Katrina, or for countless of thousands of children in this country to go without food or shelter. All of these injustices sicken me and make me so damned mad, and while I can't change them all, I think someone has to step up for people out there like myself - and maybe some of you out there who are reading this right now.

I'm not making any promises about what will come from this germ of an idea in my head, but I really felt the need to discuss it openly here. I figured that since an update was so long overdue anyway, this would be the time. I look forward to hearing from anyone and everyone from the WL/M group here. Check in and let us all know how you're doing!

:grouphug:

[Longhorn]

6. It's amazing to me that as much as you've been through.

you have such compassion for others who may be in worse shape, perhaps due to lack of resources. A blog is an excellent idea! Remember that guy on the bicycle forum who blogged about riding his bike and trying to lose weight? I don't have the link any more but it seems like he quit updating after awhile. I always wondered how he was doing. There has to be a way to connect with others who are in similar circumstances.

I'll be so glad when they finally get your wounds healed so that you can begin some uninterrupted healing and getting into shape! And I think you should give yourself more credit for how well you've handled everything mentally and emotionally and physically, when you don't experience another setback!

Remember that we care about you and you can always rant or brag or anything in between over here! :hug:

[AZBlue]

7. Break it down into small steps.

And remember all you've been through when you feel you don't have the strength to push through.

Weight loss, especially when the numbers are higher than normal, seems impossible. I have to set small goals for myself - I don't think I need to lose over half my current body weight because that will just send me right back to bed with a box of Cheez-Its and a soda. I think I have to lose 25 pounds. And then when I lose that 25 pounds, I first congratulate myself and then start thinking I have to lose 25 pounds more. And I've started applying this method to all areas of my life because I was feeling very overwhelmed by everything I have facing me right now.

You've been through so much and yet you still hang in there and you still have a great attitude. Remember that always. You ARE strong and you ARE able to do whatever you need to do. You are an amazing person - look at all you have facing you, and yet you're focused on helping others. I swear, if this country had more people like you, we'd be a very different place!

The medical health system in this country is appalling and shameful. I hope and pray that it will change when we have a Dem in the WH and a Dem controlled Congress.

On a personal note, one of the things I'm trying to do is find out why I got this heavy in the first place. I figure it's best to know why so I don't do it again and so that I can get rid of it once and for all. Would something like that help you? And, more importantly, would your insurance cover something like that?

Also on a personal note - sorry to hear about the cellulitis. I had a bout of it in June because I fell down and scraped the top of my foot. I also wound up in the hospital but luckily just overnight. Still, it was a bitch to get rid of - hang in there though, that too will pass.

And know that you have a huge fan base here at DU - your fabulous personality shines through your posts and we love hearing about you, we're rooting for you, and we'll do anything we can to help you! :hug:

[justgamma]

8. GG, I so admire you.

You are going through so much and doing it with an amazing outlook. Just the fact that with all this going on you still show how much you care about others.
I think a blog is a great idea! I think writing about your victories, however small or large, is a good reminder of how far you've come. It's good to get the good and the bad down in writing. For me it's theraputic. I'm sure you aren't alone with you struggles.

I know that I was so out of shape, I got winded going to the car. You know how I started? I'd fidget. People laugh, but it worked for me. When I'm sitting at the PC or watching TV, I'm tapping my feet or moving my legs. It burns twice the calories as just sitting. Just look for the little ways to move. Start small, everything adds up.
You can use dumbells as you sit.

I make a challenge to have the foods I like, but find ways to cut the calories. Something simple like blotting the oil from the hamburger. I weaned myself from whole milk down to skim, but not all at once. Went to 2% to 1% to skim.

You probably know all that, but it does work.

I've seen too many people get discouraged by trying to do too much too fast. Slow and steady wins the race.


:grouphug:

[auntAgonist]

10. GG how are the lymphedema treatments coming??

I'm dizzy reading your post, wondering how you manage to stay focused on day to day life with all you've got going on. I'm just so sorry you're going through all of this.

You said

"If ever I can locate my cojones, I think I'd like to start a video journal which people can respond to, in the hopes that maybe it will lead to a focused movement for change and more adequate treatment for those of us who are otherwise going without. Way too many lives are being lost, and immeasurable potential wasted on the numbers of us out there who pass a point beyond which return is epically difficult. There just isn't any reason for it, just as there was no reason for thousands to die during Katrina, or for countless of thousands of children in this country to go without food or shelter. All of these injustices sicken me and make me so damned mad, and while I can't change them all, I think someone has to step up for people out there like myself - and maybe some of you out there who are reading this right now.

I'm not making any promises about what will come from this germ of an idea in my head, but I really felt the need to discuss it openly here. I figured that since an update was so long overdue anyway, this would be the time. I look forward to hearing from anyone and everyone from the WL/M group here. Check in and let us all know how you're doing!"

You nailed in a nutshell Kirk.
Please keep writing here to let us know how you're doing.
You and Jeanette are always in my thoughts.


:hug:

aA
kesha

[Systematic Chaos]

12. A total and complete mental breakdown would almost be a relief at this stage.

See below. :(

[Broken_Hero]

9. Damn man, seems like you just can't catch a break

stay strong and hope for the best....:hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

13. I'm trying bro. Seriously.

Just watch your own self and for the love of God don't end up in a similar mess to what I'm in right now. One day you're just a big dude/dudette living your life and the next you're stuck in the 9th circle of Hell and you don't see it coming or even know how you got there.

I wouldn't wish this merry-go-round on anyone except maybe certain thugs in the BFEE.... :eyes:

[Systematic Chaos]

11. Probably about to be hospitalized AGAIN (you can't fucking make this shit up!!!)

I started my lymphedema treatments and thought things were going to be okay, at first....

Turns out by the second week that the infection is setting right back in again! My last treatment was yesterday, and it took almost half my allotted time just to get the non-adhesive bandage they put over a wounded spot as a protector to come off, and half a small squirt bottle of saline to get it wet enough to come loose without taking a few square inches of skin. They couldn't massage the left leg for fear that it will only make the infection move around even more, and had to ask me to make a phone call to my wound care doctors, using their phone, to make an appointment to be seen as soon as possible. I go in on Friday morning.

I can't fucking even believe this anymore. They say that one of the worst aspects of lymphedema is that infections set in on a whim. I now see that this is practically an understatement! There's just no immunity left down there and the tissue is starting to resemble the skin of an overripe grape.

They did tell me in all honesty that this kind of thing is common with people in the beginning. It's a very fine line between getting the internal fluids moving/flushed out/purified again, and fighting off infection in limbs which have been put through the wringer. Lymphedema has three stages and I've been classified as stage 2+. Stage 3 is when you can balloon up like some kind of circus freak without constant compression applied to the affected areas. It is a mostly reversible condition but goddammit I'm going to lose my mind between here and there, assuming my insurance holds out and I'm lucky.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster this past couple of weeks and I haven't been around to say much because I've just been so absorbed in trying to wish away what I'm facing now. Truth is, I don't know where they can even put a PICC line in if I need IV antibiotics again. They found one good vein in my right arm and it's been used twice. There's nowhere else in the right arm that's suitable, really, and the left arm is even trickier. When I say that my veins are all deep and tiny I'm not joking. And after having been pricked with so many one-time and temporary needles this past couple of years, there's no way in hell I'm going to let them set up any more temporary sites. Hell, as it is when they want to draw blood and I don't have a PICC they have to go into such painful and sensitive places as the backs of my wrists, joints of the fingers and stuff like that just to get anything.

I just feel so fucked.

[lavenderdiva]

14. Hey, GG-

thank you for checking in. You've been on my mind lately, and I've been wondering how you are doing. You are in a rough spot, no doubt about it. However, I KNOW you are stronger than this situation, and I know you will beat this lymphedema. It sounds like your medical team is working to get this thing licked. I'm so glad you have medical insurance to help you out during this difficult time. That is a blessing. I also know that Jeanette is there for you and loves you.

Like you, I have hard-to-find veins too, and know what it feels like to be a pin-cushion with them trying to find a viable vein. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to endure this as well as what is going on with your leg. Its no wonder your emotions are yo-yoing because of all you are having to face.

We all care so much about you here, and want to see you get better. We are here to listen and encourage you, whenever you need it. Please know that you will be in my prayers. Its a little thing, but I'm sending you lots of hugs: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

15. The evil leg actually improved a tiny bit on its own. One bullet dodged!

Thankfully, I was deemed safe for continued lymphatic treatments on my right leg, and compression with standard wound care supplies on the left until it heals up some more.

Needless to say I'm a lot less stressed right now and happy to be home and doing the things I enjoy. :D

[Longhorn]

16. Woo-Hoo!

Great news! Let's hope you're on a roll! :woohoo:

[Systematic Chaos]

17. update for friday

well, this is jeanette, kirks wife (gg). he's in the hospital for yet another visit. kirk had a sprain that occurred a few days prior to the doctor's visit on friday, and we thought for a while that it might actually be a stress fracture. kirk didn't do anything immediately, but he mentioned it during his wound care visit on friday. apparently he was also experiencing either misapplied bandaging, which caused improper compression and more toe/foot problems, or a new infection as well. this made them decide to hospitalize him yet again so that they could x-ray the foot to find out if he's got a break or sprain, and to treat him for the infection/misapplied compression. i have to go see him tomorrow, since that's my first day off, to bring him his c-pap machine and other basic items. i still don't know what the hell i'm going to do, but i guess i will do the best i can. anyway, he wanted me to update you guys, so hopefully i will be entering more information soon. take care, and have a good day. jeanette.

[Longhorn]

18. I'm so sorry Kirk is having to go through this.

Please let him know we're thinking about him and you, too! :hug:

[auntAgonist]

19. Jeanette, I'm sorry. I just now saw this post from you.

Please, take care of yourself! Kirk is where he needs to be and you don't need to over do it and stress yourself more. I wish we all lived closer and were able to help in some way. Please let Kirk know he's in my thoughts and I'll be hoping for a speedy healing for him.

My thoughts are with you too Jeanette, I know what it's like being the spouse of someone who is ill. It takes it's toll. Please get your rest and do what ever it takes to keep yourself healthy.

:hug:

aA
kesha.

[Broken_Hero]

23. damn, thanks for letting us know what has been going

on, my thoughts and prayers are with you both, :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

20. another update

well, he said that his leg is feeling hot, swollen, and very painful. the doctors have tried ultrasounds, which can't locate a clot. however, they don't know what the cause is, they are just throwing pain meds at him. he's sleeping most of the time, and i can't even talk to him most of the time now. oh, and of course, he can't fit on any of their diagnostic equipment, and they won't move him to a facility that can handle his weight... so, who knows what's going on? well, guess i will find out when he does, if he ever does.

[auntAgonist]

21. Please let Kirk know he's in my thoughts ...

I hope this gets fixed soon.

Best hopes and wishes for you too Jeanette:hug:

kesha

[lavenderdiva]

22. Thank you Jeanette for keeping us up to date on Kirk's situation

I know this has to be a very hard time for you. Please know that the both of you are in my prayers and thoughts. Please let Kirk know that we are all thinking of the both of you... :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

24. hopefully the last update.

went to visit kirk this week, and they have placed him in a skilled nursing facility, which is intended for people only needing watching for 1-3 weeks. hopefully, they plan on releasing him somewhere in the ballpark of 7-10 days after transferring him, so he 'may' be home by next monday, tuesday. who knows however, they really haven't been giving us any details. he has a really wide wheelchair that the facility has for him, but it doesn't look like the insurance will cover the cost of getting him one, so he may end up in bed 24/7 for a while. who knows, he's not pleased with the idea. anyway, here's hoping that i will actually be able to spend my days off with him, rather than having to spend hours on the bus to actually visit him. he's on alot of pain meds, but they are seeing some improvement. hopefully they will also address the idea of getting him to the mri to find out what is happening with his arm as well.

[The empressof all]

25. That's encouraging

I've been monitoring Kirks situation throughout this thread and think of him often. I'm happy to hear he's able to have some mobility with the chair. It makes a big difference. Send him our good wishes and let him know we're eager to have him back posting.

[Systematic Chaos]

26. Home once again - war of hope vs. disappointment raging in my head.

Hello again, everyone. And many thanks to all of you who have been staying tuned into this thread while I faced my third hospitalization this year. Your encouragement and support mean more to me than words can say.

I have a whole lot of stuff I really would like to write about concerning my treatment during this last hospital stay, and subsequent time in the nursing facility they sent me to. I'm not going to do it now though. I'm just too tired right now.

I will leave you with one piece of good news - I slipped back out of the 500s while at the nursing facility with the help of a strictly enforced vegetarian diet. I sent back a lot of trays and went with very little from time to time because I refused to go off track. They actually had a scale which could easily weigh me, and on my final full day there I weighed in at 499.2 after a 503 reading a week prior. I've set a goal to be under 475 by the end of the year, but I'll be happy with any further loss at all at this point.

Thanks again, everyone! Look for a more detailed post sometime this week.

[Longhorn]

27. Welcome back!

I'm so glad you're back home! Get some rest and then let us know how you're doing! :hug:

[lavenderdiva]

28. Hey, GG-

I'm so glad to hear you are well enough to be back home! And to have lost weight while in hospital is great too! Please let us know what all went on-- Many thanks to Jeanette for keeping us updated with you :hug:

[auntAgonist]

29. Yay Kirk! I'm so glad you're back home again.

Please take all the time you need to rest and get better. Congrats on slipping out of the 5's. I wish you continued success with weight loss.

Write when you're able.

Hugs to you both !!!

aA
kesha

[justgamma]

30. It must feel great to be back home.

People are always more comfortable in their homes.
Way to go on your weight loss.

Never quit, never give up! You can do anything you set your mind to! I just know it!


.:grouphug:

[Systematic Chaos]

31. Just for the hell of it, I decided to face the scale a few minutes ago....

I don't know if I mentioned it previously, but my insurance company has done one really nice thing for me recently (and may be in the process of doing yet another - more on that later). They shipped me a nice high-capacity scale so that I would never have to guess at what I weigh.

To be honest, I've only used it a couple of times since I set it up after coming home from the hospital the time previous to this latest one. I'm terrified of the damn thing and that little number it shows like I've never been afraid of such a thing before. There's just so much riding on me getting my weight down and so much work to do that I have a hard time with stepping on the thing, and that goes double because of my inability to exercise the way I have in years past when trying to lose weight.

Anyway, I stepped on it and adjusted my balance, and damn if the display didn't park itself at 490! That puts me down 9 lbs. since my last full day in the nursing facility and 29 lbs. since last December. :woohoo:

I really, really, really feel happy about something health-related right now for the first time in ages. And I just had to come here and share. :D

[auntAgonist]

32. yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's great and I'm happy to celebrate with you.

Thanks for sharing your good news Kirk.

:hug:

aA

[The empressof all]

33. That's terrific

It feels great when you see them move down like that. I've had a bad couple of days so I was scared to step on the scale this morning...I'm down another pound and a half for a total of 43lbs since the end of April. We can do this....

[lavenderdiva]

34. That's wonderful, Kirk-

Congratulations!!!! I'm so glad that you have a scale at home now. As you lose more, you will be able to get back to your exercise routine in a way that is comfortable for you. Keep it up! I have great faith in you- :hug:

[justgamma]

35. WTG, GG!!

It's always so exciting to see that scale move down. I'm proud of you. Keep it up! :toast:

[Broken_Hero]

36. Congrats!

:hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

37. Thank you, to all 5 of you who responded!

The encouragement really helps, guys and gals. You have no idea! :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

38. Had an appointment with my primary doc today. And, another 5 lbs. gone!

Weighed in again this morning and the scale hovered around 485! This puts me at a net loss of 34 lbs. this year, and another 5 lbs. gone in 9 days. I just want this to keep up until I'm about 400 or so, because I know by then it will be much easier for me to walk longer distances. Right now I'm pretty much doing all this on diet alone.

I saw my primary doc today, and he seemed pleased overall with my weight loss. He also had no qualms about giving me some strong pain meds for my left shoulder. I should be seeing an orthopedic doctor for that in the next couple of weeks. The pain I'm feeling from this unknown shoulder problem completely overshadows even my leg issues right now in my mind. I've gone from having no major problems in the left shoulder back in March/April, to barely being able to touch the back of my head with my left hand now. I need to have pillows to prop my left arm on when I'm sleeping, positioned just so, or else I'll wake up with the feeling that someone just hit me in the shoulder with an ice pick. I just hope that when they're finally able to put a proper diagnosis on it, that it isn't anything really major. I hate not knowing more than anything else, and I also can't stand living with the constant fear that I may fall or stumble and inadvertently hurt myself even worse. :( You know, if it weren't for the whole shoulder thing I would be in the best overall condition I've been in for over two years now. Seems like with me it's always gotta be something.... lol

As always, as soon as I know something for sure I'll post about it here. And, of course, I can't wait to come back and announce yet another drop in weight. :)

[The empressof all]

39. You're doing great

I've lost 44 lbs over the past 6 months and I'm not able to really exercise either. I do use resistance bands to work my arms and have been doing some Sit and Be Fit routines when I'm able. Do what you can do when you can do it. It's hard when you know that you're in it for a long haul. It seems a cliche but I take one day at a time and just try to get through the day. I write down everything that goes in my mouth which seems to help me stay focused.

We were away this past week-end and I ate off my plan but I got right back on when we got home. I won't weigh myself this week because it won't be good.

You're doing great with losing the pounds. Be proud! It's HARD!

[lavenderdiva]

40. Congratulations Kirk!!

another 5lbs gone! That's terrific- Keep up the good work!

I'm sorry to hear about your shoulder, but am glad the Dr. OK'd the pain meds for you- :hi:

[Longhorn]

41. I truly believe you're on the path to better health!

It's about time, isn't it? :pals:

[auntAgonist]

42. And I look forward to another weight loss announcement but for now

I am just so thrilled for you. The pounds are dropping off and that's such a good thing. I hope you can get some relief from the shoulder pain Kirk.

Hang in there and keep us posted :)

:hug:

aA
kesha

[justgamma]

43. Good going, GG!

We're rooting for you. Only 5lbs to go until the next level. Great job!

[Systematic Chaos]

44. My lymphedema therapy is *really* kicking into full swing... 5+ more lbs. gone!

I weighed in at 480 the Sunday before the election, even though I was fearful of the scale. I have to admit I was a bit naughty there for a while between Halloween and the anxiety I felt about the election. But, the candy and other crap are pretty much gone now, and in spite of it all another 5 lbs. came off! Now I'm back to my nice, healthy bananas and dried fruit snacks and good sensible meals.

I was wondering what was up with me the past couple days, as I've been feeling sort of crappy and wasn't really sure why. When I went in for my lymphatic therapy today, I asked my therapist if it was typical of people to start feeling a bit off once the swelling started coming down in earnest. Turns out that it is pretty normal, because the body is flushing out fluids which had been just sitting around collecting toxins for a very long time.

They way they measure progress is by measuring the circumference each leg in either 7 or 8 different places (I forget offhand), from the middle of the foot up through the top of the thigh. They add all those measurements together and keep them in a log book. The sum of the measurements in my left leg is down by over 40 centimeters since I started going there in August, and most of that loss has come in the past couple weeks. My right leg is in better shape overall, but it has also gotten considerably smaller.

It was only back on Oct. 8, less than a month ago, when I said that I would be happy to be under 475 by the end of this year. I'm now going to revise that goal to 460 because I think I can make it. If not, that's okay too, because I know I'll still be at least a little lighter by then. :)

Congratulations to all of us. We did it! Obama's in next year and there is hope for this country after all. Remember, there's always hope for each and every one of us, too. :grouphug:

[Longhorn]

45. It's good to hear your success and optimism!

This has been a long time coming and is MUCH deserved! Way to go! :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

46. Wow, you were quick!

Thank you for your continued support and encouragement!

:yourock:

[lavenderdiva]

47. Such great news, GG-

I am so glad to hear that your therapy is really working, and that you can see your progress so quickly! I think when the toxins are out of your system, that you are going to feel SOOOOO very much better.

I love your sharing: 'there's always hope for each and every one of us'. That is very meaningful to me... :hug:

[justgamma]

48. Yes We Can!!

That's my personal motto from now on. We can do anything we put our minds to.

You're doing great! Never give up!

[Systematic Chaos]

49. Hey, y'all. I'm back....

I'm here and I'm still alive and kicking, but I've had a lot going on with me and I just don't have the patience to try and go into details with all of it. I can't type much anymore without having to stop and rest my hands and wrists to get the feeling back. The in-a-nutshell version of things is this:

* It looks like I won't be having the vein surgery I've been waiting months for. The reason? I can't find the proper kind of compression garments to wear after the surgery. Nobody makes anything for legs as big as mine. That's depressing enough, but then...

* The orthopedic doctors I've been referred to are the biggest fucking ripoff imaginable. I have one doctor who is for my shoulder, but when I filled out the paperwork prior to that first visit, the intake lady looked at all the other painful areas I referred to and told me that I'd need to see other doctors for those parts as my doctor that day was only a shoulder doctor. And we're talking about $25 per visit, multiple visits per specialist, and god only knows what else. So I can't afford any of this care either.

And of course there's other stuff too, but I'm not going to post another wall of text today. I'm trying my hardest to hang in there and not give up, but fuck me if I've ever been more totally gobsmacked in my life than I am now.

So add my sob story to all the other ones I've been reading lately in GD and the Lounge. Except I think I'll keep mine here in WL/M because the moment one fucking asscarrot piped up about me and my weight I think they and I would end up just another story on the evening news. :grr:

[Longhorn]

50. Oh, gosh, I was hoping for better news.

It's a really screwed up health care system, isn't it? :mad:

Please do keep trying to work your way through this! I really feel that there will be a domino effect once you get that first problem, whatever it is, solved! :hug:

[lavenderdiva]

51. oh, GG-- this isn't what I wanted to hear

This is so frustrating. I can't imagine what all you are trying to deal with. Do you have a primary care physician who might help you navigate all this? I realize your condition warrants specialists, but is there any one doctor kind of overseeing all this for you? it seems like you are having to do all the organizing and scheduling yourself. Just getting well would be enough to deal with, not all this other nonsense.

You are in my thoughts and prayers :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

52. My primary doctor is a nice enough guy, but his hands are tied.

He can give me drug samples for the ones he has me on which would otherwise cost me $50 per month apiece, and he can write referrals for me to go and see these specialists, but beyond that it's all out of his control. Furthermore, his office is run by the biggest bunch of money-grubbing dickheads ever. If I can't pay the $25 copay, I don't get to see him, and it doesn't matter how urgent the need. I haven't had an instance where I couldn't pay him yet, but every single other doctor I am seeing has a mounting tab, and some of these are well into the hundreds now.

The orthopedic motherfuckers are the same. Now keep in mind that this facility takes up the whole bottom of a fairly good-sized office building, but when you walk into their 2,000 sq. ft. lobby there's not one chair without arms. One of the only reasons I can carry close to 500 lbs. and be mobile at all is that I have this huge, mutant skeleton from hell. Seriously! When I was in high school and down in the 230s, I had almost no belly at all and still had a 48" chest and I wasn't working out at all. Anyhow, when I showed up the last time I had to nearly throw a fit to have them take me seriously enough to wheel me out one of those really wide wheelchairs, just so I could drag it from place to place and have somewhere to sit if I was going to be more than a couple minutes on my feet.

And, when I filled out all the little drawings where they wanted me to show where the pain is, I took liberties to put circles everywhere along with arrows and written explanations of what hurt, how much and why. So the goddamn receptionist takes a look at it, gives me the spiel about how my doctor was "only a shoulder doctor"... :wtf: ... and that there was no sense in documenting any of my other problems until I could make appointments to see their other doctors - and oh, could I please pay the $25 co-pay? We seriously, honestly didn't have it. I just asked the lady straight up if she was going to let me see this guy or could I just go back by the front door and wait 3 hours for my paratransit ride to the next place. So, they relented and said I could go on in "as a courtesy" - any more of your fucking courtesy and I'll be gagging on it, thank ya kindly! - and that from now on the $25 payment would be a requirement.

I'm going on Tuesday to an open-sided MRI place where they believe it won't be a problem to image my shoulder. Not that this actually means dick because we're already overextended just trying to pay $1.50 or $2.00 each for my paratransit rides (and did I mention that those rates are going up soon as well?), and you can bet your sweet backside there'll be yet another fee for copies of the film to deliver to the orthopedic doctor, assuming I get to see him again sometime before the start of the next Geological Age.

My frustration and anger should be highly evident just by the tone of this post. Frankly, I don't consider it worth the additional stress to keep it all bottled up anymore when people's ignorance gets to me. Like at wound care this past Friday. I get yet another new nurse who doesn't know the first thing about me or why I'm there, so I get to waste time explaining everything, then waste more time having her unwrap my bandages from the lymphedema place, making sure to explain at least half a dozen times that when we're done all they would have to do is slip a couple lengths of TubiGrip on my legs which I had in my hand. I allowed a 90 minute window for this appointment, because I'm usually in and out within an hour, and I'm more comfortable killing time in the lobby of the lymphedema clinic than I am in the wound care building. So, when they're still dallying about with me even when I've frantically explained to them that I'm going to miss a scheduled ride and this would likely destroy the rest of my day, they finally think they're done when there's nothing on my legs to protect or compress them. I'm still holding these 3 foot lengths of TubiGrip in my hands and my jaw just hits the floor. I gave them a toss into the air and let them fall to the floor like party streamers while asking if they've forgotten something I've only mentioned until I'm blue in the face? At that point the head nurse and I got into a lovely shouting match where she's telling me I don't have to throw things and I'm asking why nobody bothers to pay even the slightest fucking bit of attention. Was I out of line and did I behave rudely? I'm sure the answer is yes. Do I honestly give a fuck anymore? No.

So, this is how things have been for me lately, and all I can do is keep trying to eat right and not be stressed, even though that's next to impossible right now. And what really gets my goat is that with all the anti-obese attitudes going on here in GD and the Lounge, I spend a lot of time feeling like there's no place for my problems when all these other DUers are going through Hell and come here to vent and get some sympathy and encouragement. After all, I'm fat, and nobody tied me down and forced me to eat away my emotional troubles. So I guess it must just be all my fault.

Mmmmmmmkay lolwtfbbq........

[lavenderdiva]

53. I can certainly understand your frustration and disgust with the system

and also with a lot of DUers. It makes me sick when I read the flurry of threads that have been posted recently, about those of us who are overweight. I've gotten to where, to save my sanity, I just don't read them. They hurt too much.

I don't know if this would help you at all, but you do know that those x-rays your insurance or you pay for are yours? A lot of doctors will argue otherwise with you, but they belong to you. This exact situation has happened to me, and I was lucky enough to have a mom with gargantuan cahones, who literally went behind the Dr.'s desk and pulled the x-rays and walked out the door with them. She wasn't going to pay to have them copied, when she already had paid for them, and owned them. This might save you some moolah.

Keep eating right, and stay focused. Always feel free to come in here and vent. We're all here for you, care about you and what you are going through, and want to help. Even if its only listening, and encouraging you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Systematic Chaos]

55. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Just to let you know, though: They have x-rayed my shoulder three times now, including once at the orthopedic clinic, and the x-rays are always "inconclusive". My bones look absolutely lovely. The problem instead has to lie with my tendons, ligaments, what have you.

I wish it could have been that easy, but alas it is not to be. Not with the shoulder/arm problem anyway.

MRI is tomorrow. I'll let you all know how that pans out as soon as I get home from the appointment, so stay tuned....

[auntAgonist]

54. Holy smokes Kirk!

I'm so sorry the messed up system is messing with your life this way. I can't begin to imagine you frustration. I so wished for good news from you.

How upsetting this all is for you and for your wife I'm sure. Keep us posted. This is a good venting place for you. I too have been very upset by the attitudes of some DU folks when it comes to "fat people" and heaven forbid you should ever mention you had weightloss surgery :shrug: EVERYONE is a freakin' expert in that area! ! !

:hug: GG, I will keep hoping for good news and I'll keep reading and encouraging you, you will prevail!

:loveya:

kesha

[Systematic Chaos]

56. It's peeps like you and Lavender Diva who MAKE DU what it is.

Not the idiots who want to judge and look down on others just for having weight problems and the related health complications. Even smokers don't get shat on like we do, and that's funny because nobody's ever gotten ill from "second-hand calories" for feck sakes!

I'll figure this all out, somehow. I'm not ready to give up yet. I didn't finally find a woman like Jeanette at the age of 33 just so I could bail out on her this soon, that's for damn sure. :P

[justgamma]

57. Hang in there GG.

The frustration must be tremendous. So they only have the shoulder doctor there? Where the heck was the elbow doctor and the wrist doctor and the ankle doctor. Cripes! What a racket! Do they have a little toe doctor?

This "health care" system we have is so effed up. Something's gotta' change.

Never give up and never give in! We're rooting for you.

[Systematic Chaos]

58. No surgery for me, no MRI either. And we're fucking broke.

I have been really struggling emotionally this past few weeks, and I know that my diet is suffering horribly for it. I have made a firm and resolute decision that this has got to stop. Now. Today.

Those of you who have been following my posts here over the course of time know that my pattern is to go into hiding when things get bad and just sort of give up. When I finally do come back, it's usually with me in even worse shape than I was in before. I don't want to go through that again. I'm tired of it. I want to make progress and have something to feel good about. I want to make Jeanette proud and let her know just how important it is to me that I start pulling my weight (pun intended) again.

So, that's why I'm posting this now. I promised that I would check back in here with an update on my shoulder problems and my upcoming leg surgery. Well, since there's not going to be much more forthcoming in the way of help with any of that, I guess it's time to rely on myself. Just as I figured, I went to the place where my MRI was scheduled, and even though the tech said that the bench you lay on for them to put you in the magnet would hold 550 lbs., it became all too clear I still wasn't going to fit in there. The tech put a sheet over my whole body as a way to allow me to slide in easier, but even with that I had my shoulders scrunched together as far as they would go and my arms up on top of my body in a completely unnatural position, my left shoulder on fire throughout, and still I could see that either I was going to become stuck in that passage or I was going to get seriously hurt. They let me out and I promised that I would reschedule with them once I got down to 425 or less.

I got a real shitkicker of a surprise the next day, though. The place called me back and the lady on the phone asked if I wanted to reschedule. I restated to her that I couldn't do that right away because I had to lose a significant amount of weight before trying again, and she replied to that by telling me that my paperwork had me down as unable to complete the test due to claustrophobia! It took great effort for me not to come unhinged, but I managed to keep my cool and asked her to have the documentation changed to reflect that I simply couldn't fit in the device. The last thing I need is for someone to start building a case that I was in fact able to get this diagnosed - even with the help of a pile of xanax - when the truth of the matter is something completely different. I don't know... I just get so royally pissed off over people's lack of thoroughness and attention to detail and petty little mistakes when my back is already to the wall and I'm trying as hard as I can to do all this shit I'm supposed to do.

At least my primary doctor is a great guy at heart. He is, month by month, ramping up my pain patches to a dose which will be effective without actually killing me. And he's also great for supplying me with samples of the more expensive medications he has me on. But even with that, we're to the point where Jeanette is having to call the utility companies and beg them for payment arrangements just so we can keep everything turned on. In response to all this, I'm cutting back on my visits to wound care and the lymphedema clinic until we're in better shape because even without a copay I'm still looking at $3.50 or $4 per day in paratransit fare, and those rates are going up next year. Multiply that by four trips per week and then four weeks per month, and just going to all this crap is nearly $60 per month. Then throw in all the other things I've been asked to provide for myself, like betadine to soak my feet in that costs a minimum of $20 a gallon, plus the saline to go with it, and all this other crap we can't cover, and I end up haunted by these feelings that somehow I'm inadequate or unworthy because of demands I can't meet. And there's how many millions of us in this country going through the same thing? And then they have the nerve to wonder why our society as a whole is so dysfunctional! :grr:

So that leaves me with trying to get my eating habits back on track - and I admit that with all the stress I've been facing lately I've just gone off the deep end - and exercise. My incumbent exercise bike was out of commission for a long time because the AC power cord was badly frayed. I didn't even know if I could repair it, but the other day I tried with a roll of electrical tape and the help of my teeth to strip the wires. To my surprise I actually have the thing working again. So this evening I'm going to bite the shoe leather and get on there and pedal for a bit. I'm going to try for 15 minutes at a low resistance setting and only as fast as I feel I can comfortably go, and pray that my hips don't do anything funny in the meantime. There are times when my hips feel like they're in contention with my left shoulder for some kind of prize, but it only makes sense that getting some of this weight off will help. I only hope they don't try going completely out on me because then I'll be totally immobile and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

So, that's my life story lately. There's not going to be any kind of Christmas at all in the house this year, but I've decided that my gift to both Jeanette and I will be to keep soldiering on and not grow totally despondent like I'm prone to do. My other gift - perhaps the biggest one of all for me this year - will be the support that all you regulars here so willingly give me. I will be sure to come back tomorrow to let you all know how the exercise works out and to thank any and all of you who respond to this.

Cheers! :grouphug:

Edited to clean up a couple typos.

[lavenderdiva]

59. GG-- I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you

I've been checking in here daily to see if there were any updates to your situation. While I'm saddened to hear about your MRI, I think you handled the outcome well. I am SO pleased to hear that you are rededicating your energies toward losing some of the weight, and including exercise in your routine.

I don't know Jeanette, but if I am guessing correctly, I'll bet the best Christmas gift you could EVER give her is the gift of your health. I'll bet anything, that she would prefer you next to her each and every day, to some trinket. Your gift to her this year is probably the most meaningful and loving one you will ever give her and yourself.

We're all here for you, and thinking of you. You are in my prayers-- :hug: :grouphug: :hug:

[auntAgonist]

60. G.G. We will be here to support you in any way we can. . . This

makes me so angry and so sad. My anger and sadness doesn't help you any though and I'm sorry for that.

As Lavenderdiva said so well

"I don't know Jeanette, but if I am guessing correctly, I'll bet the best Christmas gift you could EVER give her is the gift of your health. I'll bet anything, that she would prefer you next to her each and every day, to some trinket. Your gift to her this year is probably the most meaningful and loving one you will ever give her and yourself."

Please don't stop posting here, vent as much as you need to. Thank god you have a good primary Dr. I hope he keeps those samples coming.

:loveya: both.

kesha

[Longhorn]

61. You've been through so much. I can imagine how weary you must be in this fight.

But I will encourage you to keep fighting as you have too much to live for! Someday I honestly believe you will have the quality of life that you deserve. Please do keep updating us as we really do care. :hug: