Ted Nugent - Running for Governor of Michigan: Some helpful hints

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Tue May-30-06 03:47 PM
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Ted Nugent - Running for Governor of Michigan: Some helpful hints

Darryl from Hominidviews is filling in for The General and has some great advice for the new candidate!

Monday, May 29, 2006

Dear Mr. Nugent :

<snip>
Handling the Media
When you announce your run for political office, consider doing so in a U.S. publication. While the readers of The Independent will, no doubt, become big boosters of your bid for Lansing, sadly, few of them will be eligible to vote in the Michigan election.

When doing political interviews, it is probably best not to preemptively deny rumors�particularly when the reporter has no idea what you are talking about. For example, this exchange:

Nugent: "Neither did I poke my erect penis through a map of West Virginia - did you read that?"

Reporter: "No."

<snip>
I cringed a little while reading:

"He fires at a Styrofoam bear using his weapon of choice, a traditional bow and arrow. "Straight through the heart... dead bear," says Ted, as his heavily pitted target submits to yet another onslaught. "Both lungs... dead bear." The arrows, which he makes himself, keep flying. "Dead bear... dead bear... dead bear."

I recommend that the next time you experience a maniacal bout, first ask any journalists to step outside the room. And, certainly avoid this type of behavior during a debate.

Foreign Policy
A well-formed foreign policy platform can be an asset in running for Governor of Michigan, but your statement that "ur failure has been not to Nagasaki them ," is just not really an appropriate start to such a platform.

<snip>
You mentioned that you:

"visited Saddam Hussein's master war room. It was a glorious moment. It looked like something out of Star Wars. I saw his gold toilet. I shit in his bidet."

(Side note from me: he SHIT in his BIDET?! Does he NOT know what a bidet is for? WTF, Ted, that is more disgusting than usual for you. - but I digress)

Certainly, the more conservative voter will be able to appreciate the rich metaphor of defecation on the �French throne� of the ex-dictator. However, scatological discussions are best avoided unless they somehow pertain to agricultural productivity.

<snip>
Think about these points as your campaign progresses, Ted. With just a little refinement of your message (a little rephrasing here, a little behavioral modification there) I think there is an excellent chance that one day I will have the privilege of shaking the hand of the Governor of Michigan--the Governor who personally kills all the meat he eats.

Yours verily,
Darryl
hominidviews.com

Wow - yet another Republican who dodged the draft yet gets a hard-on over guns, power and politics. Unreal. Check out this fun quote from a recent interview - it all makes sense now!

"But you did dodge the draft." "I had a 1Y . I enrolled at Oakland Community College."

"You said then that you wanted 'to teach the stupid bastards in the military a lesson'. I'd have thought you'd have loved the army. Guns. Travel. Danger." "Back then, I didn't even understand what World War II was."

"So basically," - I admit that I have, unaccountably, started to speak Nugent - "you didn't want to get your Michigan ass blown off in Vietnam." "Correct. I did not want to get my ass blown off in Vietnam."

"I know you do a lot of charity work for wounded veterans. Has it occurred to you that someone else may have died in Saigon because you didn't go?"

"Absolutely."

Nugent's name, as I am sure he's aware, appears, along with those of Cheney, Bush and many of their fellow Republicans, on a website called chickenhawks.com. It lists those who have evaded or abbreviated their own military service then, later in life, developed an appetite for war and machismo, either personally or by proxy.

"So has this made you..." "Certainly. Because I failed to serve in Vietnam, I feel an obligation now, to do everything I can to support those defending our freedom. Do I feel guilt and embarrassment? Yes."

"You missed your calling."

"I wish I'd understood how important America's fight against our enemies was. But did I go to Fallujah two years ago? Damn right I did. And was I in Afghanistan, manning a 50-calibre machine gun in a Chinook - ready to rock? Yes. Was I there for years? No. A couple of weeks. But I am not a coward."