U. S. Department of Education Joining Forces with Department of Homeland Security

[teacher gal]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

U. S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings, joined by Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, announced today the creation of a new strong-arm agency of the Department of Homeland Security to be charged with the task of protecting and defending the security and accuracy of the nation's standardized test data. The Test Security Operations Center will train security officers to patrol our nation's K-12 schools during the administration of standardized tests.

The agency will be headed by former drill sergeant and part-time mud wrestler Brunhilda Briarballs. "She'll serve us well," mused Spellings, noting that Briarballs is notorious among military insiders as having 'scared the crap' out of many strapping young military recruits. "They don't call her Bulldozer for nothing," quipped Spellings, "and there's no doubt we can expect her to take a hard nosed approach when addressing testing irregularities which can potentially impact the security of the tests or the accuracy of the data."

Any event which might be construed as having the potential to compromise the security or accuracy of the test data will constitute a security breach and will result in a school's failure to make Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP) toward the federally mandated target of 100% proficiency of all students by the year 2014. A teacher who is involved in a compromising event, such as administering an encouraging pat on the back to a struggling student during testing, will be subject to stern disciplinary measures. Spellings explained that such a gesture, while seemingly innocent to the untrained eye, could actually be a signal to the student that they have answered an item incorrectly.

As part of her dual capabilities, Briarballs will also head the Office of Testing Emergency Preparedness. In the event of a natural disaster or terrorist attack occurring during the administration of The Tests, first responders will be dispatched to herd and guard students and teachers while the tests are being gathered and propelled to underground shelters for safekeeping.

Spellings became visibly irritated when a reporter asked if the practice of high-stakes testing itself didn't actually encourage cheating, given that educators' jobs and the survival of their schools depend on their reaching a goal that is neither mathematically nor humanly possible to achieve. She responded, "We know that the very vast majority of teachers do not cheat. However, only with the implementation of these measures can we be guaranteed that we have objective proof of whether public schools are doing their job of ensuring that all children are average or above by 2014."

(Yes, of course it's a spoof but not far from reality...could be news tomorrow!)
http://aplacetorespond.blogspot.com

[teacher gal]

1. A rec, pretty please? nt

[Wizard777]

2. Okay I can grant that wish.

[teacher gal]

3. thank you Wizard777

[teacher gal]

4. Brunhilda wants more attention

[Wizard777]

8. You're up to 3 recs. Shameless self promotion will get you everywhere.

:headbang: :yourock: :headbang:

[teacher gal]

9. Ha, thanks again Wizard777!

And I was gonna cash it in for the night and hit the hay. Guess I'll trudge on a few more minutes with shameful self-promotion.

[Wizard777]

11. My teachers were always happy to help me. So I'm always happy to help a teacher.

Funny how that works.

[TexasObserver]

13. sure, why not?

the last thing we need is DHS "helping" school districts

[teacher gal]

14. hi!

Please note the post is just a spoof but intends to make a point and really isn't far from the reality we are facing in our nation's public schools.

[teacher gal]

5. It's kinda embarrassing

to keep replying to my own posts but I do it anyway in an effort to try to get more attention for the issue of education.

I appreciate anyone willing to help me out!

[teacher gal]

6. a last kick from me

going to bed. 'Nite.

[alittlelark]

7. b*sh's brother sells these tests.... so taxpayers are providing

security for his company?????



WTF?

[teacher gal]

10. this post is just a spoof

I just made it up...parody, satire, just to expose the absurdities of high-stakes testing. But even though this is just a spoof, it's quite true that the only people benefiting from No Child Left Behind and the proliferation of high-stakes testing are powerful business interests, some with connections to Bush... for example McGraw Hill.

[teacher gal]

12. My last kick for the night

and thank you again Wizard777.

[Rex]

15. Hey with NCLB, you can never be sure what is real

and what ain't.

[teacher gal]

16. that's for sure

and in a way, that's the whole point. NCLB is so absurd spoofs like this are quite believable.

[Rex]

17. I almost did.

Had to actually 'read' read it. Someone could glance at it and think it was true. No doubt.

[teacher gal]

18. gracias

to whoever just gave me another rec

[teacher gal]

20. last act of

shameless self-promotion for several hours...honest this time.

[Mnemosyne]

19. Error: You've already recommended that thread.

:hi:

[teacher gal]

22. huh?

Yes, I'm dense!

[Control-Z]

23. That is the message

that comes up when you try to recommend a tread more than once.

Btw, welcome!

[teacher gal]

24. thanks! n/t

[Mnemosyne]

38. No, not dense, it is a compliment.

I forgot you are newer here. :)

:hi:

[flashl]

21. K&R n/t

[donsu]

25. throw up! means our kids are sure to get piss poor schooling

and will go into life mentally hobbled.


may Homeland Security disappear from the earth forever.

[teacher gal]

26. It's just a spoof - see bottom of post!

[LWolf]

27. We'd all better move to Lake Woebegone quick, lol.

While I know it's a spoof, the idea of putting public education under the oversight of homeland security, who doesn't need to know or adhere to the bill of rights, just not that funny.

And not that surprising an idea, given what we've seen during the last 8 years.

[teacher gal]

28. Yeah

that's the sad thing......that the spoof really isn't that far from reality. And as you and I know, the security of these silly tests we're forced to administer ad nauseum are indeed treated like matters of national security.

[LWolf]

29. The state/district I currently teach in

uses computerized tests. It's more convenient, anyway. I march them down to the lab, and don't have to take everything on the walls down to test. They log on, test for 20-30 minutes, and log off. We repeat this scenario for a few days until everyone is done, and get instant results. The test is a great deal shorter than in my previous state, too.

If I thought the test were a valid measure, and if there were no high-stakes attached, it wouldn't bother me. Of course, that's not the case.

In my previous state and district, the test went on for 2-3 weeks. We had to stand in line right before school started to check out the tests, and recount everything. We tested until lunchtime, about 3 hours, and then had to spend our lunch break turning the tests back in, with the required recounts. Every day for 2-3 weeks until it was done.

If a cardboard ruler was missing, or a piece of scratch paper was found in the trash in a classroom, we were "written up."

[teacher gal]

30. It amazes me

that life altering consequences for students, teachers, and schools are being attached to how well squirmy little children answer questions on standardized tests. This is called "objective evidence" of the quality of teaching and learning.

P.S. On another note I feel badly that some are misinterpreting this post as a real news item, even though I posted at the bottom that it's a spoof. I really don't want to be inadvertently spreading misinformation!

[teacher gal]

31. Oh, and I went back

this morning and tried to add the word "Spoof" to the title but got a message that it was too late to edit the post.

[blondeatlast]

32. You know what's sad is that this former teacher believed it almost to the end.

What with the NCLB mandate that parents have to "opt out" their children from being recruited by military personnel on campus, etc. it rang all too true.

I have an 11 year old son and lately I'm a nervous wreck about his future.

Sadly, this is all too believable, it really is.

[LWolf]

34. At least you have enough knowledge to act as a shield for him.

The general public, believing everything they hear on the msm, and not considering that there could be anything the msm DOESN'T tell them, does not. :(

[LWolf]

33. When I taught 2nd grade in CA,

the math portion of the test was all oral, and all "story problems." The problem was not written in the test booklet, but read aloud. By the teacher. Once. Students were, of course, allowed scratch paper. Test instructions said to give them 10 seconds to figure and mark an answer.

To the problem they heard once, that they couldn't reread or ask to have repeated.

Tell me how THOSE scores had anything to do with mathematical ability. :eyes:

If it hasn't been an hour, you can revise your title to insert "SPOOF" into the subject line. Otherwise, perhaps respond several times with that in the subject line down the thread?

Simply goes to show that it's NOT that far off from truth, doesn't it? :(

[teacher gal]

35. PLEASE KNOW THIS POST IS A SPOOF!! n/t

[teacher gal]

36. but not far at all from reality

[teacher gal]

37. Ha...I confess

to being a little disappointed that no one seems to get the humor of Brunhilda Briarballs and her "dual capabilities".

And the satire of putting more importance on kids' standardized test data than the children themselves...tests rushed to underground bunkers instead of the kids.

Oh well! Again, maybe it's just too close to reality to be funny at all.

Bye until tonight.

[Mnemosyne]

39. Hey teach!

You know you have done well when you get this reaction.

You done good. :applause: :hug:

[teacher gal]

40. You are very kind!

Thank you vickiss for your support and kind words.

[Mnemosyne]

42. We all are in this together!

You are very welcome! :hi:

[teacher gal]

41. what the heck

one final kick before bed