Stalking the Shadows: Appy Polly Loggies to DU

[shadowknows69]

Appy polly loggies="I'm sorry"
"A Clockwork Orange" Anthony Burgess.

Let me try to peel open for you the layers of my mind , if you'll lend me an ear, an eye and maybe your heart for a mere moment of time.

My apology to you DU is necessary on several matters although I'm sure many of the wonderful friends I've made here will tell me it isn't. First off I want to apologize to anyone I've offended in any way in recent weeks. I fear I've been too quick to jump to judgment a few times lately or simply hurt people because I didn't express myself well enough.

The second part of my apology concerns my output as a writer on this discussion board. I've aspired to be a lot more prolific in my column writing since I received an incredibly generous email from the owners of this site telling me that they would post my main journal entires on the home page because they thought my contributions had some merit. As an independent writer this was about the most flattering thing that has ever happened to me in recent years. Many of you were fans of my "Taxi" stories and I felt like I let many of you down when I had to stop exploring that world. I almost feel like I've let Skinner et al down as well because my appreciation for the audience they offered me knows no bounds.

In short, and as most of my ramblings go it won't actually be short, but in short, I'm simply not myself these days.

I've always wrestled with some mental health issues in my life and it is a struggle that currently I'm not exactly on the winning end of. The term "nervous breakdown" had always kind of been a nebulous concept to me until I had one a couple years ago. Compounded with my myriad physical problems and a bevy of multicolored morning medications and I'm sad to have to realize that my mind is simply not my own right now. I'm fighting like a fucker to get it back but it doesn't make for a very coherent thought process at times. Of course there are people in my life would argue that my thoughts have never been coherent but they're all assholes, so who needs em. I kid because I love.
B-)

I can still spout a poem every now and then and I throw out some fiction here and there to see if I still can, but some of my ongoing chronicles have suffered and I'm most sorry to people who were anticipating timely chapters. I can't promise any longer they are forthcoming. I hope I'm overreacting as I often do, because I just don't seem to have that barometer in my head right now, but I still feel I've let you and myself down a bit.

I can't adequately express my love for this site and many of its denizens and I want to be a positive and contributing force in its growth. Please just bear with me and accept this humble apology whether you think it's needed or not. I want to continue to write as the Shadow you know and love, or even love to hate. I'm searching for him and hopefully with your continued friendship DU, we'll find him. You have no idea how much just knowing you're out there actually helps at times. I'll try to make my presence here more worthy of your friendship.
S

[Mabus]

1. I still love you

and hope things get better for you. :hug:

[shadowknows69]

2. Aww thank you Mabus

:loveya: made me tear up though damn you!!! B-)

[Mabus]

4. Let me know if there is anything I can do

You can always PM me.

You've entertained me, you've informed me, you've made me think. What's not to love? I'm serious. If you ever need anything, even if it is just to talk, let me know.

[atommom]

3. No need to apologise. Take care of yourself, and post what/when you like.

We'll still be here. :hi:

[librechik]

5. take care,shadow

and check with your docs about your rainbow of meds. I was taking too much topamax awhile back, and it wiped my brain. Couldn't add and subtract, or remember what a loaf of bread was. Ack! I got off that stuff, thank goodness. It had warnings already when the neurologist gave it to me, and she blew off my complaints. Fortunately my headaches went away on their own--that was scary.

You're the best! don't ever let anybody tell you otherwise! (especially you yourself!)

[shadowknows69]

6. I actually need to be on more

I was on something that was working really well but it caused too much weight gain and I have to lose some before I go back on it. My depression being helped will be a moot point if I drop dead from obesity related heart attack.

[librechik]

17. oh, gad! that was the one thing good the topamax did--appetite suppression

still not worth it.

Hoodia works really well at that, though--have you ever tried it?

[shadowknows69]

18. Actually my appetite sucks lately

Which is almost a good thing. I've lost about 10 pounds in 2 months so if I can retrain my metabolism for a bit, and keep my head from spinning sround, I might try some different things.

[lynnertic]

7. it's all good Shadow! Hell, even Will Pitt quits in a huff every three weeks or so.

You can't 'do DU' all the time, and your stuff was so dark when you were writing your taxi stories that I wondered how you could handle it.

I love your writing. Thanks for your work.

[GDAEx2]

8. Here's a tip for my favorite cabby...

Drive up to Thompson Park, take in the view of the Black River Valley, and think about how you have helped and entertained many of us DUers (especially us vets) thru the dark times that are now passing.

Deeds Not Words!

[shadowknows69]

9. You were with Triple Duce? Is that their crest?

Did you tip me? B-)

[GDAEx2]

11. Thats the 22nd INF Regimental Crest

Wore it proudly in the early 1990's.
Loved my tour at Drum.

Very fond memories of bass fishing with Roy the Hippy and Fairgrounds Pizza.

Thanks again for the tales you related in this forum of my brother vets and their struggles.

Peace my Friend

:loveya:

[shadowknows69]

13. I hope I honored your brothers and sisters

Meeting and interacting with so many soldiers, even at short spans of time, profoundly affected me like few other experiences in my life.

[shadowknows69]

10. bookmarking your home page sir

Thanks for your service. Some crazy mfers in the 222 but y'all were always good to me:patriot:

[WritersBlock]

12. .

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Right... that should be 69 of the little buggers.... and another one just because: :hug:

[OnyxCollie]

14. A strong support group will get you through a nervous breakdown.

Take it from me, I've been there. If you need help, call on friends, relatives to carry the weight. Don't suffer alone. Plus, you've got us. We'll listen to you.

Take care, Shadow.

[Vanje]

15. Its all good

I love your writing, but we'll all be okay. Theres never a shortage of GREAT stuff to read at DU.

Does your muse need some freshening? Take your muse for a walk now and again.

Dont worry about anything else you feel you ought to do.
Your wellness is a worthy project.

[shadowknows69]

16. I didn't mean to imply I'd leave a huge gaping creativity hole lol

Gods I hope that didn't come across like that. My muse probably needs hospital time actually lol. It's a little schizophrenic right now, like its owner. :silly:

[corkhead]

19. We're here to listen when the Shadow is ready to give us an update

:hi:

[Aristus]

20. No need for the appy polly logies, droog. All us young malchikiwicks

like Your Humble Narrator have, like, a good think for all the soviets scribbled here at, like, the Under the Ground, my brother.

[shadowknows69]

21. .

:thumbsup:

[bigtree]

22. oh, hell

Take whatever time you need to collect yourself without worrying a wit what folks here might think. It's not as if your past work will be somehow discounted if you take a break or develop some new, cathartic direction to your life and work. If you are able to adjust your life and mind to some sustaining level of function and still have something to offer DU, then good on you. I'll be more than satisfied to take you as you present yourself and to understand that you are on a journey through life, like the rest of us.

"Let go of the shore and swim to the middle of the flowing river. Look around you at all of the others beside you. You are the change you have been seeking." -paraphrased Native prayer.

[Lilith Velkor]

23. ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiKPCOaDhfo

[shadowknows69]

24. Creepy

Maybe Tom is Jesus. Do they have Jesus in Scientology?

[Lilith Velkor]

32. Dunno

I should probably stick with quietly judging you, but as long as we're here, I will have my say.

I used to be a fan of yours. I no longer give a shit how often you post, so no apologies are necessary for that.

Then one day you told me to go fuck myself with a rusty chainsaw, because I supported a candidate you don't like.

I expect no apology for that, either. That ship has sailed.

Just know this: your suffering brings me a twisted joy, the kind that's darkened by knowing that it didn't have to be this way. I will be watching...and quietly judging. Write about that in one of your fucking poems.

[shadowknows69]

33. Well whether you want it or not that is what I'm apologizing for

But judge away if that gives you joy. I didn't really have the time or memory to properly apologize to everyone individually that I may have offended which is why I offered this blanket olive branch. I'm sincerely sorry you can't find it in your heart to forgive me.

[mgc1961]

25. I can relate...

...I went through a terrible episode of depression a few years ago. There were times when the idea of death seemed slightly appealing.

What I did to recoup was read something other than combative political tracts, listen to some music, and kept my interest in running. Mind you, that is partial list and yours will certainly vary but perhaps the best advice I can add is be patient.

[shadowknows69]

26. DU is my double edged sword

I come here to be be informed and entertained, enraged and impassioned, to be at peace and to be psychotic. I don't know what I'd DU without you lol.

[kineneb]

27. no need to apologize- been there, am there

I had a "breakdown" in 2001 from which I never really recovered. After hubby was laid off from WorldCom, several moves, hubby going on dialysis, bankruptcy, and then his death at the end of March, I am just happy to have my meds and a good therapist (supplied by the county). The bereavement counseling from Hospice is helping, too.


Hang in there, and learn to forgive yourself. Do what you can each day, even if it is just one thing. Try to stop and enjoy one thing every day- a flower, the sunset, or a piece of music. Accept the fact that some days, you will feel like you are in a fog. Eventually, those days will become fewer. Don't worry that you can't do what you did before; that is the nature of depression, it robs one of energy and then makes one feel guilty about it.

Send me a PM if you would like. I have been living with episodes of depression and anhedonia since childhood.

[shadowknows69]

28. Thank you, anhedonia perfectly describes it, I'd never heard that term before.

[woofless]

29. Hang in there Bro.

Reality is variable and infinite in its variations. Yours is valid, even when it's uncomfortable. There are lots of us out here who give a shit and want you to feel better.

Woof

[DinahMoeHum]

30. Hey, droogie, your health comes first. More than money.

We'll "keep the light" out here for ya when you return.

Now, go get some spatchka. 'Nighty-night.

:grouphug::hug::grouphug:

[shadowknows69]

31. Thanks, problem is my health problems have direct relationship with my $ problems

As in you can't fix yourself in this country without lots of it.

[mdmc]

34. accepted

:pals:

[TomInTib]

35. Hey, man, I'm just happy to see you around.Monthly, weekly, daily, hourly, whatever.

No sense in trying to force things.

I remember when I thought I couldn't get on stage and play without cocaine (and a whole lot of it, too).

A few months back, I ran across some of my old stuff and I SUCKED!!!!.

Now I just play when I feel like it.

As you should, too.

I'll see you around.

Take care, shadow,

Tom

[BrklynLiberal]

36. Please just do what you can when you can and remember that there are many of us out here

who can empathize with your situation.
No pressure...just keep breathing..IN OUT IN OUT. That is the only thing we MUST do every day.

Look forward to your posts...whenever and wherever.

:hug:

[Hekate]

37. Hey

:hug:

Whenever you can. Whenever you're ready. We'll be here.

:hug:

Edited to add: Watch out for generic antidepressants. The generic for Wellbutrin just about sent me over the edge during the 3 months I took it. Medco thinks it can save money by switching every prescription to generics, but believe me, some of them are not the same.

Hekate

[Time for change]

38. I'm sorry your having problems shadow

It can happen to anyone, and it certainly has happened to me.

I honestly don't feel you have anything to apologize for. We do the best we can, and sometimes there are other priorities in our life -- like getting well. That's all that can be asked of any of us. Anyhow, anything we give to DU, whether it be in the form of money, time or effort, is voluntary.

Take care of yourself shadow.