My conscience is bothering me, tell me what you think I should

[yy4me]

do in this situation.

I work with some great people, small company, pay not so good but for me(the old granny of the group) it is ok. There are several young people with families that are having a tough time right now. I am not flush with cash either but I would like to help someone at work and not make it feel like charity.

The person in question is a 43 year old man with 2 great kids, both early teens. He takes great care of them and gets no child support from his X. She just does not send him the support. I don't know more about that part. What I do know is that he drives a 15 year old car that is on its last legs. He will have to cope with that, I can't help that part. Here is my thought.

He was in the dumps last week and I asked him what was wrong, if he was sick or some such thing. His reply to me was that he is upset and has a lot on his mind. I know one of the things is because he has NO money for Christmas presents for the kids. I know what he makes and what he has to pay for rent so I know this is true. He spent the last of his savings to bail out his car after a water pump and a few other things went.

My idea may not be wise. I don't want to embarrass him with an offer of a small loan ($200.00) so he can have a Christmas for the kids.

I would like to tell him it is a down payment on a job I would like to do in the spring. I am now alone and will need help painting my kitchen. My husband and I planned to do it this winter but since he died, I can't get motivated to start the work; spring, open windows, sunshine will make it easier to see and breathe as I am painting.

Lots may change by then and if the help never comes to pass, at least I know his kids will have some new clothes. He does not even have a computer. I am hoping to find an old one around here that someone is willing to give him. The kids need it for school. I know you all know someone just like this. Sometimes life just does not go on a plan that is fair. This is a good family that is trying hard and not able to make it.

Please tell me if this is the right thing to do. I will give him a check Monday and tell him the best places near us to shop for the "most for your money" deals.

I can't seem to get this out of my mind. My Christmas will be sad this year without my husband and will be hard for us emotionally. I'd like to help someone to have a happy one if I help.

Your thoughts?

[Hekate]

1. I think you are a genuinely lovely person to want to do this.

:hug:

Hekate

[elleng]

2. Sounds like a fine idea to me.

Others here may have more ideas.

(((yy)))

[PearliePoo2]

3. You are truly a nice person

Your idea of asking him to do a job for you is a good one.
I think you should ask him first if he is interested in helping you paint the kitchen, then go from there.
If he is...then tell him you would like to pay him now, while you have the money. See if this is ok for him.
There may be some pride involved here, so treat this like a business deal, not a charity handout.
Just my opinion.

[1]

12. to take this one step further... pose the question to him as... "I" need "YOUR" help....

"you would be doing me a great service if you could help me with this." etc.

take the pride aspect out of it. (i assume he would be helping you if he did this, right?) i love to help people. i'm sure he does too.

you would be asking him for his help. giving him something to feel proud about, not ashamed of.

perliepoo2's suggestion of "then tell him you would like to pay him now, while you have the money" is a great way for you to complete the transaction to get the paint job you need and for him to have a christmas i'm sure he would love.

everybody wins.

if he accepts and takes the cash, then work in the whole "where to get the most bang for the buck" stuff into casual conversation with him as you discuss color schemes for the paint job.




and god bless you for thinking like you do...

[sandnsea]

4. Perfect

I have been in those shoes and I cannot tell you how much that kind of generosity would have meant. And to wrap it up so sweetly, to protect his feelings, you're too kind. I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe you can find a shelter or something to volunteer with, or visit shut-ins or something, take your mind off things. :hug:

[Syrinx]

5. this country needs more people like you

Not in lieu of a government that values people, but in addition to.

:hi:

[Joe the Liberal]

6. Sounds like a good idea too me......

and a very generous thing to do :hug:

[Lindsey]

9. I think it's a great idea and your plan for how to do it is perfect..

What a sweet thing to do.

[PearliePoo2]

7. Another thought...

IMO, if you approach him with the context he would really be helping YOU out, by painting the kitchen, he may feel even better about the whole deal.
Maybe you can even get together with his family during the holidays for a brief visit.

[mdmc]

8. kick

[1]

13. heh! i type too slow (see my response to you above)... n/t

[On the Road]

10. Your Idea is a Good One

Seems like the worst that could happen is that he would see it as charity and say "I can't accept this money." Even in this case, he would probably still feel very good about it. I know I would in a similar situation.

[tularetom]

11. I'm a crabby old bastard

but I got all choked up reading that!

The world needs more people like you.

[proud patriot]

14. My 2 cents

Gift cards for Toys r Us ... and Target

Envelope Child's name care of parent
signed Santa ....

A needy parent will know it's intent aka Santa and appreciate the Anonymous nature.

[Auggie]

15. I like this idea too

[onethatcares]

16. i'll third it cause i just woke up

instead of tying it all to a project in the spring. anonomous(?) is the way to go. Or give him the money, tell him that someone helped you out a long time ago when you were in the same prediciment. Tell him you are paying it back.

Peace to you

[alphafemale]

18. 4thed

anonymous is the way to go on this I think.


I'm so sorry about your husband. :hug:

You don't have to be alone on Christmas.

I know places like the Salvation Army/soup kitchens can use volunteers Christmas Day...or any day.

And that there are people in Nursing Homes who would love to see a friendly face that day.

[JerseygirlCT]

40. This is sort of what I did last year

Just mailed a Target GC anonymously in the mail. The recipient never knew where it came from (in a Christmas card), but hopefully, it helped.

[Number_Six]

17. Do it!

You are far more a human than you realize. May God bless you, always.

[glowing]

19. My mom said around her, charities are getting a lot more donations than

other christmas times.. people aren't feeling as greedy and don't feel like pushing junk around. I'm donating money as gifts to some charities for people this year.. It feels like the better thing to do.

AND I think its a great idea. And knowing its christmas and he has his kids, I'm sure he'd take it.

[KarenS]

20. whatever you do and however you do it,,,,

will be the right way.

You are a very sweet and kind person. This is what Christmas is all about.



:hug:

[LiberalEsto]

21. You sound like an angel!

Is there a chance you can offer some chores to his kids? This way they could make a little Christmas money. Even $10 apiece would probably be extremely welcome to them.

[Hubert Flottz]

22. The way you think is what separates a democrat from a GOPer.

The typical "Compassionate Conservative" would look down his or her nose at that troubled man and tell him how he needs to pray harder, like he or she does and to pull himself up by his bootstraps.

If you advise your friend to give the money to the kids on Christmas day, they will be able to buy more with their money when the after Christmas sales start AND the kids will have the fun of shopping for things that they themselves want.

I'm sending you a big cyber hug for being a very sweet and kindhearted person. Your husband was a very lucky man to have shared a lifetime with someone like yourself.

[Name removed]

38. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[HCE SuiGeneris]

39. Tick tock, tick tock... thanks for spending the time to register, asswipe.

Now fuck off.

[Hubert Flottz]

48. A freeper would start a fight at a love-in.

Those bushbotic kool-aid soaked hypocrites from the dork side, still can't handle the truth.

[greenbird]

23. I like the idea

of telling him that someone helped you out once and that you're passing it along. Someone did this once for me when I was a single mother of two getting no child support. He made it sound like I was doing him a favor by accepting his help. I actually felt like I was making him feel better. It was wonderful.

[RC]

24. Go for it! We need more people with this attitude.

It's stuff like this that used to make this country the envy of the world.

Another possibility, when you help someone in need like this is to charge them with helping TWO others worse off than they are and helping them with whatever help is appropriate. No time limit. In this economy there are lots of opportunities.

[Vinca]

25. I think you've hit on the perfect solution.

You'll give him a little help and he won't feel as if he's taking charity.

[Berry Cool]

26. "Paying him in advance" for the work is the way I would go.

I would couch it as, you have a job that needs doing, he would be a great help to you, and as it just so happens, you have the money now and would like to just give it to him because you know how it is at Christmas and the more money someone has, the better. Not so much that you know he's hard up but as, well, hey, why not give it to you now so you can help me later, because it might come in handy to have it now?

That way, he keeps his dignity because it's a business deal, and you need him as much as he needs you.

Oh, and you're a wonderful person.

[dysfunctional press]

27. if it's just him and his kids for christmas, if they have no other plans...

why not have them over for christmas dinner? :shrug:

[yardwork]

28. You are a wonderful person. Hugs to you across the miles.

:hug:

[lunatica]

29. What I did for a single mom without a job during Christmas

I simply sent her a Christmas card with $100.00 dollar bill and didn't sign the card or put a return address on the envelope so she would never know where it came from.

And this is the best kind of karma. To give without any attachment, and just because it's needed. I have a theory that this comes back to people when they 'find' money on the ground or when they win the lottery.

[tblue37]

42. I like this idea, because it is cash, so in a way they really have no

choice but to accept it. I would sign it "Secret Santa."

[Beaverhausen]

30. you are getting good recomendations here. I like the anonymous gift card idea...

...but the "I need your help..." is great too.

Whatever you end up doing, you will be blessed in the future for it. :hug:

[Jakes Progress]

31. There have been some suggestions

that you make this anonymous. I can see where they were trying to spare his feelings, but if he doesn't know where it came from, he will think everyone is pitying him and feel it from everyone.

I think your plan is a good one. This is a personal thing. Make it even more personal. Talk to him more before you offer. Get to know each other. Let him know you more. Let him know your concern for his kids. Let him know your need to do something this first holiday without your husband. Let him know you need the help painting. Let this be what it is - a friend helping a friend.

God bless you both.

[lunatica]

32. I think you're mistaken about the pity thing

Anyone receiving anonymous money would get it that someone cares and that it's about his kids and Christmas. In my life I've been so poor that I couldn't afford food for me or my baby and when I received help I was grateful. Jeez!

[yy4me]

33. Thanks for all the ideas you have given, I will decide about

what to do tonight when I do my Christmas cards. I'd like to give him the money tomorrow so he can buy a little something for the kids to open Christmas morning and perhaps add a note about the great after Christmas sales where they can spend the rest.

I really do need some help with the painting, I'm no spring chicken and really would prefer not to be on the ladder.

I have worked with this young man for over a year. He is by far the hardest worker I have ever met and does more than is asked to do. He knows my situation because he met my husband and I'm sure he'd be happy to help me.

Life has given him a rough go but 2 great kids as well. They are (I think) 13 and 15. Not an easy age for the kids or their Dad.

Keep those ideas coming, I appreciate your input.

Peace

[ColbertWatcher]

35. I think your instincts on this are spot on. n/t

[kevinbgoode]

44. That is such the true meaning of the holiday season. . .

and you are an inspiration.

I saw that you mentioned that you were trying to also help figure out how to get his home a computer. I might be wrong here, but isn't there some program in which computers are donated to help students who don't have one at home? I keep thinking that at some point I read about that being an important program. I wonder if there is something locally which might be of help to them that way.

I know there are some communities in which businesses actually take old computer equipment and refurbish it - and then place it in homes with children who cannot afford one. Perhaps some DUers can help find some information on this for you.

[TexasObserver]

34. Do it. I believe everyone who can afford it should buy Christmas for a family that needs it.

I've already done so, and hope everyone will do it. A few hundred dollars to a family in distress is critical this time of year. I've been doing it for the past ten years at Christmas. A group of us have a charity set up to funnel the money through, and to separate the giver from the recipient.

People are more willing to accept money from a charity than from a person they know who offers them money. I always do mine anonymously, and there's a publisher of a newspaper on our board who handles the contacts with the recipients.

[vanboggie]

36. You're a wonderful person yy

While you could be wallowing in your own sorrows after the loss of your husband, you are thinking of helping someone else. I think it's a grand idea, especially when you're calling it a down payment on work he could do for you. Personally, I like that idea better than the anonymous gift cards.

Edited to add that if anything can put me in the spirit of Christmas, it's a story like yours. Thank you.

[dickthegrouch]

37. I don't know how "Toys for Tots" distributes

The US Marines hold a charity drive for children who would not otherwise get any gifts.
I donate every year.
However, I have no idea how they find the families that need the gifts. A recommendation might be all it takes.

Added weblink on edit:
http://www.toysfortots.org/request_toys/default.asp

[demwing]

41. A great way to form an alliance

is not to offer help, but to request it.

Go to the man, explain your painting need, and your husband's passing. Offer to pay up front. Don't even mention the man's plight. He'll discuss with you if he feels so inclined, you both get value, and you gift both his children and him, with the gift of dignity.

You are a kind soul. God bless!

[malaise]

43. I'd leave an anonymous card on his desk

with a note that he should get his kids something for Christmas and include $200 in cash. He may think it was you but he'll never know for sure.

:yourock:

[pitohui]

45. it's a good idea and it's the way i would go (and have gone in the past)

i've tried this in the past and, yeah, sometimes the person doesn't do the work, but at least you have allowed them to "save face" instead of making them feel guilty and angry because you gave them a gift

and sometimes the person DOES do the work, and you're both good

i say this is a great idea, unless you are really afraid of it causing a problem at the job, why not?

one friend decided he didn't wish to do the work and surprised me years later by paying back the money! so i was all bitter and all...but it worked out in the end :-)

[EC]

46. Offer him the job

and pay a deposit and set the time for the job. Tell him you wanted to schedule it early so he could set aside the time...no need to tell him anything else about it, just let him feel he earned it.

[FedUpWithIt All]

47. I think that is a lovely idea.

:hug:

Asking him to help you with the kitchen will help with his pride.

[Horse with no Name]

49. What would I do

I would get $200 cash and put it in a Christmas card and lay it on his desk from Santa.
How could it be refused?
The best part of giving a gift like this is to make it where he can't refuse it.
You are very generous.

[seabeyond]

50. i had two nephews one year come over for christmas. no presents. i went to dreaded walmart

and bought a little over two hundred of many gifts and put under tree for kids. package of sox, gloves for winter, and a lot of fun cheap things.... cant remember. a couple three four years ago. but i was able to gather quite a few gifts for these boys. 12 and 10 yr olds....

it would be fun to shop, wrap, and put in bag and hand as christmas gifts. these can be fillers for kids to open and he can buy them each ONE present he knows they would really want. you can hand as a santa bag to guy and a merry christmas

really

it is what christmas is about, the giving, the love, the generous and a christmas for the kids

[Are_grits_groceries]

51. If you do leave an anonymous card,

put in a note that says "Pay it forward" when you can.
That's what those Santas in St. Louis who were giving out $100 bills
are telling people.