Auto Execs Forced To Be Valets - Banks Receive More Bailout Money

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(Repost without edits.)

Washington DC – The tension in the air during today’s Senate hearings was palpable. Minutes after the formalities had ended, Senator Corker of Tennessee started in on the three CEO’s from the auto industry. “You know I’m going to ask this, so, why wait? How did you get here?”

“Drove,” said Ford CEO Alan Mulally. “Same here,” chimed in General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner. “Me too,” said Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli.

“And?” said Corker, clearly annoyed. “Where are you staying? - Come on we don’t have all day!”

“Best Western,” said Mulally. “Motel 6,” said Wagoner. “Marriott,” said Nardelli, looking around the room for support. “I’ll - I’ll move.”

“Damn right you will!” Yelled Senator Bennett of Utah.

“Let’s get down to business if you don’t mind,” Said Senator Dodd. “We have a lot of ground to cover. Now, we have the CEO of JP Morgan Chase, Jamie Dimon on speakerphone with us, to kind of oversee these proceedings. Now, tell us your plans to –“

“Why should we give you a dime!?” Interrupted Sen. Corker “You have blue collar workers and you… you make stuff – oh God I feel dirty just saying it! Plus, it’s well known that $19,000.00 from every car sold goes to union dues – union dues! I say, let you guys and your blue collar workers go down in flames!”

“I’m okay with that,” said Jamie Dimon on the speakerphone.

“The people in this country deserve a lot better from us than this,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. “This is just unbelievable, we’re suppose to be helping people not hastening the downfall of the economy.”

“There he goes talking about ‘the people’ again,” whispered Senator Shelby to Corker using air quotes around ‘the people.’ “If he says that one more time we should give another trillion to the banks.”

“Let’s do it!” said Jamie Dimon.

“You know, I’m getting all kind of calls from, ‘the people’ telling me they want ‘oversight’ and to ‘save jobs’… Who the hell do they think they are!” Senator Corker whispered back to Shelby. “We need another tax cut on capital gains and we need to get this money to the banks faster. It’s Christmas bonus time, you know.”

“Did you guys use premium gas on your trip out to DC?” Asked Senator Cornyn out of the blue, obviously very proud of himself for finding a new angle in the questioning.

That’s when Robert Willumstad, CEO of AIG walked through the door. The room took on an awed hush waiting for the next command.

“We at AIG need another hundred billion,” intoned Willumstad. “No, make it two hundred.”

“Done!” said a chorus of Senators.

“And my valet quit today,” said Willumstad.

“Please, take one of them,” said Shelby, pointing toward the table full of auto CEO’s.

“I’ll take one too,” said Dimon from the speakerphone. “And I know someone at Goldman Sachs who can take the third.”

“Good, then meeting’s adjourned,” said Shelby as a majority of Senators stood to leave. “That was a day well spent.”

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1. I wanted a better tile for this.

But I was at a loss. (If you have a suggestion?)

[last1standing]

2. Congressional Auto Hearings (a satire?).

Hows that?

Pretty accurate for a satire, though. It's amazing what these repubs are willing to do for ideology. It's worth breaking the country in order to break the unions for them. :mad:

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3. Pretty good, thanks!

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4. Damn! That edit period ends fast. Just thought of a better title.