Who will take care of you when you are old....

[Lost in CT]

My father has dementia. He is a WW2 baby and it came on suddenly. At thanksgiving he was well himself, by Christmas it was a noticeable problem, and now he requires care.

He has four kids and a wife and despite the incredible stress on all of us he is very lucky.

Mainly because he has four kids and a wife.

If he didn't he might have ended up like that poor man who froze to death.

From the outside everything looked fine but bills were not being paid and housework wasn't being done.

The clarion call was sent by mom and I have taken a few months off to help set everything up.

It is more work and more decisions than I could ever have imagined.

The government and insurance paperwork alone is a nightmare.

He is incapable of doing this himself.

If he didn't have the family structure I doubt anyone would have noticed his problem till it was tragically to late.


I'm 40 and single with no kids. I have thought seriously what I would go through if the same fate befell me 30 years from now. The prospects are grim.


I hear all the time people who declare that they don't need or want a spouse and certainly don't want kids (for various reasons including environmental)

I ask them what I have been asking myself who will take care of you when you get old?

[RB TexLa]

1. Apparently thousands of people's children will "have to take care" of me when I'm old

I've been told that by people every time a political discussion about anything doing with the child free comes up. I'm not worried, all their children are going to "have" to take care of me.

[Captain Hilts]

2. Beats me. Thank goodness my mother had me when these issues set in. nt

[Demobrat]

3. I'm also single with no kids.

I'm a few years older than you. I recently purchased a long term care insurance policy. They're not too expensive when you buy them young. I got mine through my employer, but they're offered privately too. I think of it as auto insurance for my body. Sure, I'd rather not have the expense, but if I ever need it, I sure will be glad it's there. Please look into it. It will be a major load off, believe me.

[Warpy]

4. Sudden onset dementia needs to be investigated

so please get him to a doctor to get his medications assessed and his electrolyte levels checked.

Senile dementia is a very gradual, insidious sort of thing and you'd have been noticing his worsening memory for some time if that had been the case.

As for me, I'm plumb out of family, so either I'll have to check myself into an assisted living facility or they'll find me face down and dead on the kitchen floor, feeding the hundred or so cats I'll have accumulated as my mind goes.

[Lost in CT]

6. He is in the hospital as we speak.

The strange thing is due to his um... reserved personality we really didn't notice till he started forgetting things like paying the bills.

[Warpy]

7. Great!

I hope there is something they can do for him.

[Lost in CT]

25. Thank You... he is better and stable but he isn't himself

Chances are he will never be the person he was.

The emotional toll is hard to put into words.

But it is a steady drumbeat.

[niyad]

5. nobody. that is why my heart sister and I have durable powers of attorney for health care, and

living wills.

[Raine]

8. No one

I'm not married and have no children. I wouldn't want to have children just to have someone to take care of me, since I don't want children that would be the only reason to have them and it wouldn't be right.

[Dem2theMax]

9. My parents, aged 89 and 90, have me.

I have no one to help me take care of them. I'm it. 24/7. We all live together. I've been doing this for five years.
And I'm happy to do it. They are fantastic people. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else, doing anything else.

When they are gone, and it's my turn to have someone help me? HAHAHAHA. I'm it. No husband, no children, no siblings. Just me.
And no financial resources to pay to have someone take care of me. And no, I didn't want a husband or kids.
And I sure wouldn't get married just to have someone to take care of me in my old age.

I AM learning from what I am going through with my parents. I can only do so much about my own health.
I am learning to live very frugally. We have plans in place for our deaths, wills, burials, etc.
My biggest fear isn't my health. It is being able to keep a roof over my head.

I'm praying that I'll die before I get too sick. Or that if I get sick, I'll die quickly.
What will be, will be. It is that simple. If I get Alzheimer's, I'll just walk off into the woods one day and never come back.
If I get cancer, give me pain treatments and let me die. That's it. I'm not going to fight old age and illness. What comes, comes.


With the small amount of money I will have to live on, I'll probably starve to death before I get sick.
See. There is always a silver lining in every dark cloud. ;)

(Your Dad is blessed to have five people to take care of him. Your family is blessed to have five people to take care of him.
Learn from what you are doing now. It WILL help in YOUR future, even if you are alone.)

[TahitiNut]

18. We're in similar situations.

... with very similar 'plans' for the future. :hi:

[azmouse]

10. Having a child is no guarantee that they will be able to,

want to, or that the child will still be alive when you are old to take care of you.

And no child should be born with a job in place... that of caretaker in future years.

[Lost in CT]

12. I'm not necessarily looking to have a child or to remarry.

And yes munchkins are no guarantee.

But looking at the support my father has is making me wistful. And mindful of my own venerabilities.

Friends can change over the years and be fleeting at the worst of times. (Yes I know that means they were not true friends)

It's hard not to think of your own mortality and venerability when confronted with anothers.

[Individualist]

11. I get by with a little help from my friends

(No kidding!) I'm 65, divorced, no children, live alone. I can still get around with the assistance of a cane, but rheumatoid arthritis and severe congestive heart failure have made it impossible for me to continue doing many things I used to be able to do. Thank goodness for good friends! I have friends who will go to the grocery store with me and carry my groceries from the car into the house, run errands for me on days when I'm unable to do so, etc.

[Xicano]

13. I am one of those who's not interested in a spouse or kids

And I myself am 42yrs old and sometimes wonder the same thing. I hope my retirement will suffice, but, I think I might just try and find a younger gal to live with who also doesn't care to get married. Just two people enjoying eachother's company. Not much of a plan I know.

Maybe the DU should have a retirement community board where members can maybe hook up and help eachother out.

One other option I've been entertaining is moving to Mexico where retirement money goes further and getting hooked up with a nice Mexican gal. :)

[GinaMaria]

22. you can hire someone in Mexico

for about 8 dollars a day. Many go for this option. I've also heard Costa Rica has excellent elder care but can't be sure.

[Lost in CT]

23. I have heard that GOA in India provides excellent care.

But we are not looking to outsource dad just yet.

[GinaMaria]

26. Hope things get better for both of you soon n't

[EFerrari]

14. No one. The kids in my extended family who are in my gen

are all looking after their parents. Our kids, not so much. It looks pretty grim right now.

[southernyankeebelle]

15. Your Nobel but

You are lucky to not be married and able to help your dad. There are alot of people out there with parents that are not the best people to take care of them. I have heard some terrible stories. My mother-in-law told me of a next door neighbor that lived alone and her son lived in another state and came back to help her. He had her sign papers. She didn't know that she was leaving her home to him. What did he do? He turned around and sold the house and the poor lady had to move into her daughters home in another state. She didn't last much longer than that. Alot of their children take advantage of their parents. Many parents are afraid to let their children have power of attorney. We moved to help take care of my husbands parents. They were senior citizens. We were given a peace of property next door to them. We were happy to help them. My father-in-law pressured us to have the property put in our names because he was worried what his wife would do. She was older than him. We went ahead and did it. He lasted about 8 more years. I took them to their doctors appointments, shopping and I enjoyed being with them. After my father-in-law died she kind of went wild. Here was a woman at 83 yrs going to the bars hanging out with people that were my age and coming home drunk. Finally it got caught up to her and she was arrested for DWI. Talk about being embrassed wow I was. Everybody thought it was funny. I sure didn't. The doctor got on to her and she finally calmed down. She was terrible to me. My husband and I made a deal. I took care of all her medical stuff and he took care of her finances. He took her to the bank and had his name added to her checking account. He still made her sign her checks and was always with her when doing her bills. She didn't know how much money she had. We never cheated her. In fact when I took her out I spent my own money on her. Yet she would tell my husband I was stealing from her because she couldn't find her pockbook. I know realize that it was her old age. I would tell her I had given up alot to be here to help you. I left my family who I was very close to. I told her that neither of the other daughter-in-laws were here to help but me and my husband. It is very hard to take care of elder people. They get set in there ways. Its never easy. Thank god your dad has you. I have a son. But financially I don't think he is in a position that he could help me. I will probably end up in a nursing home. At least they will see you get meals and a bath.

[blues90]

16. No one!

There is just my wife and she is 4 years older than me so we are on our own. No children and our parents are long gone. We are in our 60's.

[TahitiNut]

17. No wife, no kids, no brothers or sisters ... and at 65, I'd rather not think about it.

I'm too busy being the "assisted living" caregiver for my mother. :scared:

[Hangingon]

19. Our children will.

They will choose a retirement/care center. Good reason to be nice to them - they choose. We do have long term care insurance. I origiinally thought we were being prudent. Now I think we might have been better just to spend the money and let the system care for us.

[Demobrat]

24. The system will only care for you if

you have no assets at all. If you want to be able to leave your children anything the long term care insurance is a good investment.

[JFN1]

20. No one.

That I know of, anyway.

[GinaMaria]

21. Plan now for that possibility

There are things you can do

1. check your insurance coverage. Do you have the option to add on Nursing Home care? I did for a nominal amount.
2. Look into retirement communities. I know many people who have parents in these. There are varying levels of care that can be dialed up or down as you need them. There's a built in social aspect with some of these. Some have theaters and cinemas, vacation clubs.
3. Look into what is available in your community. There are services etc. and you should know what these are if you ever need them. There are schools who look for opportunities for students to do community service. A student could help you make Dr. appts, read to you, talk and keep your mind active.
4. Promote socialized medicine. The biggest benefit to socialized medicine is longer, happier and healthier life. This is due to the social aspect. You would not be sent home from the hospital without someone to check in on you, home care etc. Socialized medicine puts the focus on the person and his or her needs not on profit. Healthcare professionals will come to you.

Just off the top of my head.