Godly tips on how to Punish your Christian Child: Landover Baptist Church

[TWiley]

I came across this link while discussing the "difference" between the behavior of fundamentalist Muslims, and Fundamentalis Christians. Unbelievable.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0303/spanking.html

What is wrong with these people?

[Mari333]

1. hehe I love Landover Baptists. nr

[AnOhioan]

2. post removed....never mind

[TWiley]

3. Ya, you are probably right ..... me too .

[cali]

4. Spoof site.

Landover Baptist Church
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
The Landover Baptist Church is a fictional<1> Baptist church based in the fictional town of Freehold, Iowa. The Landover Baptist web site and its associated Landoverbaptist.net Forum are a parody of fundamentalist Christianity and the Religious Right in the United States.

The site was created by Chris Harper<2>, who obtained his Master's Degree in English Literature from George Mason University in 1993 after being expelled from Liberty University in 1989 for producing a satirical radio show which Liberty's administration found offensive.<3> The site is owned by a company called Americhrist, Ltd.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landover_Baptist_Church

[Mari333]

5. hah I used to spook on there

as Edith Twiddle. I was even in the Landover Ladies league.

[cali]

6. LOL!

Love the name Edith Twiddle. It's brilliant. And love Landover. It's a riot.

[ColbertWatcher]

10. I forgot that they're located in Iowa.

I wonder what they're going to do now that gays are allowed to marry there!?

[barbtries]

69. thank you

i wasn't sure. i'm so friggin gullible.

[fasttense]

7. This has got to be a sick joke.

Easter eggs are the devils testicles? The meet the staff page has a KKK rally picture? Jesus told me to hate you? This can't be real.

[jonnyblitz]

30. tampons are "satans little cotton fingers".

:o

[jmowreader]

34. It is...it's also one of the better jokes on the Internet

The best part of the joke? There are fundamentalists who think it's real.

[JerseygirlCT]

71. Exactly! nt

[kath]

73. And then there's the anti-Landover site, Objective: Christian Ministries.

That one has fooled a TON of people, especially when they did the "Apple Computers are Satanic" bit.

They campaigned vigorously for a shutdown of Landover Baptist:
http://objectiveministries.org/shutdown/

Our Purpose:
The Internet was created by the United States of America - a Christian nation - and should not be used to spread anti-Christian, secular, or non-Christian propaganda and hatespeech. This is our Internet, and we should exercise our position as its owners and as the guardians of civilization to stop its misuse.

“It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ.”
- Patrick Henry, American Patriot“Done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven and of the Independence of the United States of America the Twelfth In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names...”
- Article VII, US Constitution
For this reason, this website was created to try and stop one of the more vile and dangerous misuses of the Internet: using it to mock Our Lord Jesus Christ, His teachings, and His followers. And one site in particular stands out in need of stoppage: Landover Baptist.

Link to Landover Baptist website
WARNING: Should not be viewed by anyone under 21
Landover Baptist claims to be a church. Moreover, they claim to be the only church in America that understands the Bible! In fact, neither is true. Landover Baptist is a fraud. A joke. Their true purpose is not to spread the Gospel of our Lord, but to trick people - especially those who have not received the Word and Salvation or have been programmed by secular culture to distrust Christianity - into believing that Christianity is evil and rejecting it.

For this blasphemous atrocity, the Landover Baptist website must be removed from our Internet.

“Woe unto them that call evil good,
and good evil; that put darkness for light,
and light for darkness; that put bitter for
sweet, and sweet for bitter!”

(Isaiah 5:20)

Much more at link

The anti-Apple computer campaign, part of a larger expose on the evils of evolutionism propaganda:
http://objectiveministries.org/creation/propaganda.html
excerpt:

Apple Macintosh:

However, these propagandists aren't just targeting the young. Take for example Apple Computers, makers of the popular Macintosh line of computers. The real operating system hiding under the newest version of the Macintosh operating system (MacOS X) is called... Darwin! That's right, new Macs are based on Darwinism! While they currently don't advertise this fact to consumers, it is well known among the computer elite, who are mostly Atheists and Pagans. Furthermore, the Darwin OS is released under an "Open Source" license, which is just another name for Communism. They try to hide all of this under a facade of shiny, "lickable" buttons, but the truth has finally come out: Apple Computers promote Godless Darwinism and Communism.

But is this really such a shock? Lets look for a moment at Apple Computers. Founded by long haired hippies, this company has consistently supported 60's counter-cultural "values"2. But there are even darker undertones to this company than most are aware of. Consider the name of the company and its logo: an apple with a bite taken out of it. This is clearly a reference to the Fall, when Adam and Eve were tempted with an apple3 by the serpent. It is now Apple Computers offering us temptation, thereby aligning themselves with the forces of darkness4.

This company is well known for its cult-like following. It isn't much of a stretch to say that it is a cult. Consider co-founder and leader Steve Jobs' constant exhortation through advertising (i.e. mind control) that its followers should "think different". We have to ask ourselves: "think different than whom or what?" The disturbing answer is that they want us to think different than our Christian upbringing, to reject all the values that we have been taught and to heed not the message of the Lord Jesus Christ!

Given the now obvious anti-Christian and cultish nature of Apple Computers, is it any wonder that they have decided to base their newest operating system on Darwinism? This just reaffirms the position that Darwinism is an inherently anti-Christian philosophy spread through propaganda and subliminal trickery, not a science as its brainwashed followers would have us believe.

This one sparked righteous outrage all over the Internets - thousands were sucked in. The outrage was incredible. Hilarious.

Also in the "Creation Education" section, be sure not to miss the Creation Science Fair. :rofl:


Another great parody site is/was whitehouse.org. I loved the kids' page there that instructed kids on how to know if their parents were godless Commie libruls, and how to turn them in. Don't know if that site has changed since we got ourselves a real President...
--Just checked - the whole site is now archived. Goes up through inauguration day, with plenty of new material I haven't seen, including "Full Text of President Bush's Emotional Farewell Speech Cataloguing His Unparalleled Competence and Intelligence" -- I know where I'll be spending the next hour or so.
Are Your Mommy & Daddy Liberal America Haters? http://whitehouse.georgewbush.org/kids/eagle.asp

[ColbertWatcher]

87. That's the name of the group! Thank you! n/t

[jmowreader]

95. I love this part the best...

Landover Baptist claims to be a church. Moreover, they claim to be the only church in America that understands the Bible! In fact, neither is true. Landover Baptist is a fraud. A joke. Their true purpose is not to spread the Gospel of our Lord, but to trick people - especially those who have not received the Word and Salvation or have been programmed by secular culture to distrust Christianity - into believing that Christianity is evil and rejecting it.

Sorry, guys, but "secular culture" didn't "program" me to distrust Christianity...it was some of Jesus' more fervent followers that did that.

[Name removed]

120. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[ColbertWatcher]

8. The Baby Jesus has commanded that I kick and rec this righteous thread! Praise! n/t

[Mari333]

11. the beauty of the site is

that people believe its real. I loved reading the hate mail they got.

[ColbertWatcher]

12. Ah yes.

I remember long ago when another group was trying to shut down Landover's web tube down. They insisted that Landover alter the front page so people wouldn't be confused.

They demanded certain concessions, so the Godly folk at Landover created a temporary "front page" that consisted of a picture of the church which visitors would click on before entering the main site.

It looked a little like this:

Obviously a Vegas Hotel copied Landover's signature architectural style as the image used on the temporary front page wasn't a photoshopped image of a Vegas hotel pretending to be a Christian Church.

[Mari333]

13. I remember that!!!

god, they are the creme de la creme of satire sites.

[ColbertWatcher]

14. They are indeed! n/t

[cali]

9. From the piece; (and how anyone could fall for this is... unbelievable"

1. To begin with, a Christian parent must understand that a child will never learn a lesson unless they are beaten on their naked bottoms until the imprint of the rugged cross is plainly visible on both cheeks. (Proverbs 23:13-14) A clothed bottom is less humiliating and less painful for the wicked child. In fact, the child may feel no pain at all if they are cunning enough to sin while wearing heavy jeans or khaki pants. A youngster who can sit comfortably after a Godly beating will think they have outsmarted you and tend to repeat their misdeed and feel a license to move on to more hardcore sins, like rape and blasphemy. If a child is able to sit down within three days without ointment or a bag of frozen vegetables after their punishment, you have failed as a Christian parent. A good spanking should be traumatic and something the child will remember well into adulthood.

2. Use a heavy object, a ruler is too light, a belt-buckle may cause bleeding and suspicion from liberal democrat schoolteachers if you are careless enough to allow your child to attend a public school. We suggest a heavy King James 1611 authentic cowhide leather bound Bible.

3. Find a comfortable place to sit and ask your child to come over and have a seat on your lap. Act as if there is nothing amiss. We suggest that you smile or wink at your child. If it is your daughter, say "Come on over here and sit on daddy's lap, sweet heart. I want to talk to my little angel for a minute." If it is your son, we suggest you say, "Hey there, sonny - how's Dad's little quarterback? Come on over here and sit on my lap for a minute and let's talk about Jesus."

4. As soon as you have the child on your lap, clench his hands so that he cannot move. Immediately flip the child over so that his stomach is across your knees. If the child struggles, give him a good whack across the back of his head and tell him to shut up. Whisper in his ear, "You're going to get a whole lot worse from Jesus, you rebellious, hateful, little sissy!"

5. This is the point where the child may act like a little demon and start screaming. Be prepared for this wicked outburst. Have an athletic sock in your back pocket and cram it into the child's mouth. Stuff it back until you get to the stripes at the top of the socks. Don't worry: if the child is smart enough to remember to breath through their nose, they won't suffocate.

[TWiley]

17. Were they spoofing this religious belief?

http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Parenting/2005/02/Do-Not-Spare-The-Rod.aspx

People tend to joke about things they are actually very serious about. Evidently, they find humor in the truth.

[cali]

19. Why yes, yes they were.

If you can't discern the difference in the language of the two articles, you need your satirometer recalibrated.

And don't even begin to start with the "you support Dobson's pov". I think it's hideous. I'm anti-spanking period, and I detest Dobson, the xian fundies and everything they stand for.

[TWiley]

21. You must admit, that a significant number of your collegues adhere to the practice.

now, how is this different than a muslim flogging someone for misbehaving?

[cali]

24. "my colleagues"? what on earth are you insinuating?

I'm a buddhist . I'm a liberal. I'm a Bernie Sanders and frequent progressive party supporter. Are you actually suggesting that this is a demographic that adheres to the practice of "Christian spanking of children"?
How predictably pathetic of you, dearie.

Oh, and much as I loath spanking children, there's a substantive difference in flogging and spanking. I'd suggest educating yourself, but you've demonstrated repeatedly that such an endeavor would, alas, be utterly futile. I will, however, suggest that you look up the definitions of spanking and flogging.

I must admit that I'm not even a little surprised by you being taken in by the most obvious and broad spoof imaginable. All it takes to figure out that Lansdowne is a spoof is the most basic of reading skills and two functional brain cells to rub together.

[TWiley]

26. so, you are different than the other religious people we discuss then?

I do remember that you are a buddhist... we discussed that before.

[cali]

28. uh, yes.

Buddhists are very different from fundy christians. I'm not going to go into explaining the lineage I follow, but it couldn't be more different from fundy anything.

And I don't believe in a God that intervenes in human affairs or Jesus as a savior- obviously. In fact, I don't believe in such a thing as a deity.

[Ian David]

83. The Google is your friend. So is Wikipedia (usually).

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhism

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islam


Maybe start with:

http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Buddhism/index.aspx

http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Islam/index.aspx

[LostinVA]

94. I am a Zen Buddhisrt, and your ignorance of world religion is quite appalling

And, I'm not snarking -- I'm serious.

:wtf:

[sufrommich]

35. Why don't you compare the laws in regards to child abuse

within the country ruled by the Taliban and the US and get back to us with your findings?

[TWiley]

40. offset by popular secular customs, the two are similar. No mitigating secular culture in Afganstan

[cali]

43. love your obfuscating and

that you keep kicking the thread where you punked yourself.

:rofl:

[sufrommich]

47. Yes, that would be my point. But sure, if you take away

the secular laws and culture of the US , they are exactly the same.:eyes:

[8 track mind]

63. "we suggest using a neutral object

like a paint stirring stick." That is incredibly fucked up.

[pnorman]

15. "What Can True Christians™ Do to Help Speed Up Global Warming So Jesus Comes Back Quicker? "

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2008/april/conservationsin.html

pnorman

[TWiley]

18. It is funny because the strongest opposition to all science comes from the faithful

[xchrom]

16. god bless landover baptist church

:rofl: only the sisters of perpetual indulgence provides as much blessed wisdom.

[ColbertWatcher]

88. And God bless Betty Bowers!

http://www.bettybowers.com/

[kath]

91. Glad to see that Betty's still out there! I've been wondering about her...

[ColbertWatcher]

96. Betty is everlasting. Like Zorro or the Dread Pirate Roberts. n/t

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

20. Wait.... You Took That Seriously? For Real?

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[TWiley]

22. No, I did not .... what is wrong with someone who can even think like that?

This includes people who actually do beat their kids in the name of God by the way .... there are hundreds of thousands in the US who do.

[cali]

25. lol. of course you took it seriously

pathetic attempt to weasel out of your embarassment.

[TWiley]

27. how very buddhist of you .....

But, no cali .... the discussion of christian abuse of children is just as valid as discussing the muslim abuse of children. Evidently, your sarcasm detector is not up to snuff. maybe you should have it looked at.

[BlooInBloo]

36. Yup. The OP self-punked.

:rofl:

[jonnyblitz]

29. the sad thing is this site almost ISN'T satire.

it's damn near close to how these people really think. :crazy:

[cali]

31. oh, please. it couldn't be more obvious that it's satire though

it's clearly so funny because it does spoof the fundy mindset.

[jonnyblitz]

33. i have known people that weren't sure at first if it was satire or not

because they believe the fundies are THAT crazy. :D I have been looking at the site since the 90's.

[Prophet 451]

75. Poe's Law

Poe's Law: "The more extreme the fundementalism, the more difficult it becomes to distinguish it from parody".

[TWiley]

111. That is why it is so good

[TWiley]

41. Thank you Jonny, that is my point ..... made with humor

You will be a broad-brushing christian basher if you simply state the obvious

[cali]

46. good grief. stop the fibbing. it's soooo lame.

you posted a link to this spoof in a thread about the videoed flogging of a Pakistani girl- twice to make your argument that Amurikkka is just as bad when it come to this kind of crap. Even worser!!!!!! And you posted it in all seriousness, as everyone can see.

This is getting increasingly more pathetic on your part. not that it's not amusing.

[jonnyblitz]

66. LOL! thanks for providing the context to this post. I didn't see the

other thread you mention. I AM NOT surprised that people believe the site is legitimate though it is obvious to many of us otherwise.

[LostinVA]

81. Cali's right -- I saw the posts

It was quite :wtf: and :rofl:

Lots of backpeddaling now!

[TWiley]

109. Hi LostinVA

No backpeddaling. It was the first time I saw the site when I first came across it, but it was so outrageous (and funny) that I just had to post it. Too much detail in the O.P. would have ruined the suprise for others just hearing about it.

But, the truth is that I did know it was a satire site when posting it here. There are so many legit stories about christians spanking (not unlike muslims flogging) their children that they have become dull in the conversation. Besides, I consider it child-abuse.

I do realize that you are still suspicious of me after our last row. You called me a bigot, and I called you a liar. I am still the same person who openly campaigned for our city's first openly gay commissioner being the first to endorse him on TV, and among the first in newspapers, counter-protested phelps twice, and participated in many homosexual rights / cause awareness through the decades. Believe it or not ... I really dont care.

Just know that your animus is one sided.

as to the egg-on-my-face comment, are you suggesting that I am a cunning linguist?

[cali]

110. give it up wiley. it's truly lame.

yr friend,

cali.

[TWiley]

113. Oh hi cali .... now lets get back to the origional discussion

so, do you really feel that christians spanking their children (I will spare everyone the color photo's of child abuse) is that much different than Muslims flogging their young for basically the same reasons?

In my opinion, the two are just not that far apart

[cali]

121. learn the difference between spanking and flogging

and i've already told you I deplore spanking of children. And flogging a 17 year old girl in the street with men holding her down, is not spanking, genius.

That's really all I have to say on the subject: flogging is not spanking. One is bad, the other rises to a different level altogether. It's torture. Not all spanking is torture. All flogging is.

And let's return to your ugly and bigoted crap about the "gay police" on DU. Care to explain such bigoted language? Oh, and there is no "gay police" on DU.

[Marrah_G]

124. Do you seriously not understand the difference between flogging and spanking.......

I can't believe that you honestly don't understand the difference. Anyone that ignorant would hardly be able to figure their way onto the internet.....

[TWiley]

114. Time to speed-dial the "gay police" for protection cali?

I was offering a sincere correspondance to LostinVA. Thank you for butting in, distracting it, and minimizing my intent. you got skill girl !

[cali]

118. omg. you really are what LiV called you. I don't think of that poster or any poster here

as their sexuality. I think of them as human beings. What their sexuality is, is part of who they are, but everyone, Wiley, is far more than their sexual orientation.

Disgusting stuff.

[muriel_volestrangler]

123. So you're saying that your post about 'most American Christians' was satire too?

Because you tried to back it up with a link to Landover. Therefore, if you claim you knew Landover was satire as soon as you read it, then you must have been, as satire, pretending to be an outraged person who says stupid things like "most American Christians beat their children, stripping the girls naked first".

OK, but that's going to make it hard to take any of your posts on DU seriously now, if you leap in to a serious discussion with pretend idiocies.

[TWiley]

112. cali, your animosity is boring and widely known

I really do not care what a crazy person thinks anyway. Anyone who worships those who set themselves on fire for protest are not much different than suicide bombers in my book.

[cali]

115. my animosity? I ain't the one that just wrote what truly has to be

among the most vile posts I've ever seen here, accusing someone (me) of having become a buddhist for sexual purposes. And that weren't the half of it, as they say.

I did respond to your truly disgusting post which in a very cowardly manner, you addressed to someone else on the thread. I'll kick it so more people can see what you are.

[NutmegYankee]

23. It's a Satire website. The Onion of Churches.

[islandmkl]

32. i'll tell you "What is wrong with these people?":

they (Landover Baptist Church) aimed a little high...

[Canuckistanian]

37. "Accept Christ and get a free Playstation 2!"

:rofl:

[Sheets of Easter]

38. Cue the music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A

[JeanGrey]

39. Are you so foolish you think this is real? LOL

[TWiley]

42. are you so foolish as to think there are no Christians like that?

and no, I am not that foolish .... I did know it was a spoof. It works because it borders the truth.

[JeanGrey]

44. There are plenty of people like that and trust me they aren't

all Christian! LOL

[JeanGrey]

45. And it does not "border" the truth. It is ridiculous.

[cali]

49. ok, explain why you linked the "story" to me and another person

on a serious thread about the flogging of the Pakistani girl. This should be good.

phony.

[JeanGrey]

52. I'm sorry but I don't know what you are talking about.

I've never "linked" anything to anyone in my life, in fact I don't know how?

[cali]

59. deepest apologies, that post was meant for the OP

who posted this to me on another thread and is now saying that he never thought the LBC site was real.

TWiley (1000+ posts) Sun Apr-05-09 08:09 AM
Response to Reply #68
72. Hi cali, in case you missed it .....
There are literally thousands of documents on the web that relate Christianity to child abuse / spanking. I am sorry that you did not know about this aspect of your faith. As to the argument, I simply asked, "how is this different than what the christians do?" Fundamentalist Christians are extremely likely to beat their children. Except most do it while the child is naked.

Want a link? Here, have one then. If you want 10,000 more just like it, just google.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0303/spanking.html

[adamuu]

64. oh! my sides! oh... i feel guilty, now... i better increase my tithe

*whips himself*
*writes a check, doubling his weekly tithe*
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0800/biblequiz.html

[JeanGrey]

101. Thanks for the apology.

[JeanGrey]

53. Please recheck whoever is telling you this?

[cali]

61. bullshit. if you knew it was the truth why did you post this

to me this morning?

TWiley (1000+ posts) Sun Apr-05-09 08:09 AM
Response to Reply #68
72. Hi cali, in case you missed it .....
There are literally thousands of documents on the web that relate Christianity to child abuse / spanking. I am sorry that you did not know about this aspect of your faith. As to the argument, I simply asked, "how is this different than what the christians do?" Fundamentalist Christians are extremely likely to beat their children. Except most do it while the child is naked.

Want a link? Here, have one then. If you want 10,000 more just like it, just google.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0303/spanking.html

[backscatter712]

48. The picture of hooking electrodes to a dozen tiny hineys set off my snarkometer.

Yeah, this is most definitely snark. :rofl:

Hit the front page, see the headlines:

"Are Your Children Playing With LUCIFER'S TESTICLES?"

"Custom Designed Menstrual Shacks Exquisitely Crafted!"

"God Loves the Smell of Little Baby Easter Bunny Blood!"

:rofl:

[adamuu]

50. Non believer! Unsaved are Unwelcome!

It's a satire site. It's been around for at least 4 years. Thanks for reminding me about it.

[JBoy]

51. Best thread of the morning.

:popcorn:

[Mother Of Four]

54. Uhm check their TOS at the bottom of the page-

if you look up in their terms of service:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/tos.html

SNIP: (bold is mine)

landoverbaptist.org
Terms of Service Agreement
Preface

Within this section, the words "The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd.," "we," and "us" refer to The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd, which is the owner of landoverbaptist.org and/or landoverbaptist.com and which holds the right to transmit on landoverbaptist.org and/or landoverbaptist.com (the "Site") all of the materials contained in the Site. The word "Materials" refers to any word, sound, image, file, data, or anything else contained in or generated by the Site. All content on landoverbaptist.org is protected by federal copyright laws. The Landover Baptist Church is a complete work of fiction. It is a satire/parody. When you use landoverbaptist.org and/or landoverbaptist.com you are agreeing and consenting to these terms and conditions of use which we, at our sole discretion, may change in any way at any time.


END SNIP

Unfortunately there really are people who think this is real, and DON'T think to check the TOS

[PeaceNikki]

55. HA!

I love that you took Landover Baptist seriously and then claim you didn't.

That's awesome. :rofl:

[BlooInBloo]

57. It's hilarious how Americans' egos are sooooo fragile that they can't admit being wrong.

[PeaceNikki]

58. Well, when you put it like that...

it's more sad than funny. :(

[BlooInBloo]

60. Tragicomic it is!

[adamuu]

56. (Proverbs 23:13-14)

23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
23:14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Better do what the bible says, you vile heathens!

[scarletwoman]

62. *facepalm*

Please get your irony and satire detection meters re-calibrated.

[spoony]

77. +1

[cali]

65. hey, wiley. I don't blame you for abandoning this thread

and hoping it goes down the memory hole. First you post it in obvious seriousness, and then when it's pointed out to you, you deny, despite piles of evidence that you ever took it seriouslsy.

[barbtries]

67. who are these people?

as far as i can tell what they suggest is illegal in this country. is the site for real?

[Prophet 451]

76. No it's not n/t

[NeedleCast]

68. Dude, Landover is a parody site

[LeftishBrit]

70. Actually this appears to be a satirical site...

though sadly there are real sites that don't exude much greater sanity!

[MrsBrady]

72. Landover is to right wing christianity, as the Onion is to news.

you knew that right?

[TWiley]

80. It is funny because it is so true.

you knew that right?

[LostinVA]

82. Scrubbing egg off your face is tough, eh?

:rofl:

[cali]

104. and slapping more egg on it, is just bizarre.

[kath]

74. For a good laugh, check out this Landover gem:

from when "Monsters Inc." first came out:

TRUE CHRISTIAN® CHILDCARE ACTION ALERT:
JEWISH ACTOR, BILLY CRYSTAL, STARS AS TALKING TESTICLE IN NEW DISNEY FILM
<snip>
"Young Timmy snuck out to see Disney's new 'so-called' children's movie, 'Monsters Incorporated.' No sooner did he get home that his sweet little trousers were dropped at his ankles and he was slapping green paint on his testicles." Pastor expressed concern that Hollywood has sunken to a new low. He explained that in light of recent national tragedies, people would think that those perverts at Disney would have something more constructive to do. "Any Christian person can see that the main character of this movie is a green testicle with one eye," he said. "It's disgusting, it's filth, and it makes me ashamed to call myself an American!"
"That Jewish person, Billy Crystal, is called an actor even though he always plays the same person," Pastor Deacon Fred told local reporters. "Maybe he thought he'd get a best supporting award if he played half a green scrotum instead of a nebbish, Jewish wiseacre who always has a girlfriend who would never look twice at someone as ugly as him in real life."
Pastor continued his rebukes of Mr. Crystal before the congregation on Sunday morning: "You may be able to get a roomful of unsaved drunk Jews in the Catskills to laugh at your scrotum, Mr. Crystal, but Jesus isn't slapping His knee over this one! Unsaved people are so blinded by Satan, they think what you are doing is innocent, but the Holy Ghost allows True Christians to see what this blind world can never hope to see! It doesn't even amaze me anymore. Hollywood can put their sexually perverted liberal agenda right in front of our children. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of all those parents in the theater with their kids, just watching that green testicle dance around the screen, doing pratfalls by slipping on its own sperm, and think nothing of it."

Reports of similar tragedies are pouring in from True Christian® churches nationwide. "This seems to be an epidemic," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "and I point my finger in the face of the liberal Hollywood elites and homosexuals and I say, 'YOU caused this, you liberal bastards!'"

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1101/monsters.html

[checks-n-balances]

78. How 'bout this ad for "Custom Designed Menstrual Shacks"? LOL!

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2009/march/menstrualshacks.html

And to think all these years I missed out on all the monthly quiet retreat time I could spent in one of these, especially since it advertises that "It can accommodate a single Fundamentalist female weighing up to 600 pounds"!

:rofl:

Too bad that this private housing came along after my time, but I'm sure there are some other DUers who could benefit from this innovation, male & female alike!

However, this ad wasn't as good as some of the too-funny articles I spotted on the website. I'd forgotten about the Landover Baptist website, but want to thank you for starting this thread which reminded me about it once again.

[kath]

86. "When her cleanliness is restored, she returns to her husband and her family invigorated, refreshed

and eager to clean her husband's 17-room Christian Estate. She is revitalized with the spirit of her natural duty and filled again with the precious womanly gift of servitude as she finds strength enough to carefully prepare her "Welcome Back Home Mommy!" dinner for the 12 family and 22 extended family members currently residing at Hardwick Farm."

OMFG, that's a hilarious piece. :rofl: Thanks!

Time to wander around the Landover site, looking for more new stuff...

[cherish44]

79. pwn3age

Makes you feel like a fail doesn't it? I love the ad Jesus is watching you...touch yourself. bust a nut. take a poop. fornicat. smack your bitch... :rofl:

[AngryOldDem]

84. Good parody of fundie Christians.

Had me going for about a half-second or so.

[musette_sf]

85. here is the real deal:

Spare the quarter-inch plumbing supply line, spoil the child

Saying no to "timeouts," some fundamentalist Christians "train up" their children by carefully hitting them with switches, PVC pipes and other "chastening instruments."

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/05/25/the_pearls/index.html

(can't get to the Pearls' website today, the satellite must be down :-(

[kath]

89. Check out "blanket training", also the real deal.

See post #25 in this thread:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4173778

BTW, if your school uses the "Character First!" program or if your town is a "City of Character", you're giving money to this whacko cult-like group. They've infiltrated police departments as well http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/2/8/16296/09024/711/452873

[Mari333]

97. hah!!! our town council tried to adopt that CITY OF CHARACTER bullshit

it took me all of 5 MINUTES TO find out where that crap originates from..
and I sent every council member the information
they were shocked, and dumped the whole idea.

[msanthrope]

90. TWiley--I can't imagine what April 1st was like for you. n/t

[sarcasmo]

92. One more of the many reasons to dislike religion.

[sakabatou]

93. It's a spoof site.

So don't worry.

[and-justice-for-all]

98. LBC goes along with Betty Bowers...

because she is a better xtian than you.

[uppityperson]

99. First time I came upon landoverbaptist, took me aback for a moment also

Then I started looking more and began laughing.

[LibertyLover]

100. Congratulations on finding one of the best spoof sites

on the entire web! Landover Baptist is absolutely hysterical with its over-the-top take on fundamentalist Christianity. Enjoy.

[donheld]

102. This may be a spoof site but, I guarantee you

There are parents out there that believe this shit.

[TWiley]

107. That is so true Don. That is what makes it so funny

I especially like the part .... "tampons are Satans little cotton fingers" LOL

[cali]

103. kick just for you

not-very-wiley. Because it's funny as hell to see someone attack Christianity through LBC and then when called on it, deny what's obvious to everyone.

[TWiley]

106. Thank you Cali ..... It is one funny site isn't it? LMAO !

[cali]

108. do you really think anyone on this thread is fooled, dear?

take a read. everyone saes right through your bullshit claims that you knew it was satire all along. really, you need help. it's pathetic that you simply couldn't say "oops". I'm glad I posted the evidence that you're bullshitting.

[TWiley]

116. well, there is evidence of more than a few people taken by suprise in this thread.

and what evidence? Your tactic fits your metric btw good to see you follow your own posting advice.

1) make the most dire predictions your fevered imagination can conjure.

2) Throw in lots of buzz words: Fascist is good. Nazi is even better,

3) Spread a heavy duty unsubstantiated rumor; something like
El-Al won't be flying on September 14th, and use that "fact" as the
basis for a false flag operation taking place.

4. Never, ever use Occam's Razor. If you hear hoof beats on Central
Park West at midnight, it must be a zebra, not a horse.

posted by cali here: http://journals.democraticunderground.com/cali

[cali]

126. lol. you continue to prove that you wouldn't know satire if it smacked you

upside the head. That OP, dear one, was satire. duh.

[Jamastiene]

105. Landover Baptist is a satire site.

The only exaggerate a little, though, when depicting fundies.

[Cobalt-60]

117. I almost got religion!

A free playstation 2, now that's the kind of premium I expect from the True Faith!

[Vickers]

119. "Unbelievable."

Seriously!

I mean, you've never heard of Landover Baptist? They are mentioned on here pretty frequently. The fact that you (and others here) were reeled in so completely reveals their subtle genius, and confirms the spot-on necessity for good satire.

I would send Skinner a hunnerd bucks and beg him to delete this thread entirely.

:thumbsup:

[mtnester]

125. And I would send him 125 to keep it open

for the pure entertainment factor (other than the nasty gay police comment upthread, but then again, everyone should see THAT post as well, for future reference.)

:)

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

122. Ah, that site's almost as funny as you thinking it's real