Gay people can make lousy parents

[pnwmom]

when they're forced to marry straight people because that's the only way their family and society will accept them. People who have to lie about themselves on a daily basis, people who feel they have to hide, people who are filled with shame, guilt, and anger don't make great parents.

Their miserable straight spouses make lousy parents, too.

It's too bad all the advocates of "traditional marriage" don't realize this. Gay people have always married and they've always had children. It's only a question of whether they live in unhappy, fake marriages with straight people or real marriages with each other.

As someone raised in a Brokeback Mountain family, I vote for the latter.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

1. Straight people can make lousy parents;

single mothers can be lousy parents; single fathers can be lousy parents.

Water is wet.

People are idiots.

More revelations at 11.

[pnwmom]

9. This IS a revelation to the Rethugs who think that all you need for a good family

is one man and one woman.

The truth is that their "traditional marriages" have resulted in many unhappy closeted families. And children are better off raised with two gay parents, as long as they're raised not in the closet but in the light and the air.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

16. I don't think it's a revelation -

I think they know it, but they're so busy holding on to their hate that they just throw up the zaniest reasons they can think of and that's all they've got.

Our divorce rate makes a mockery of any comment about "traditional (straight) marriage being the backbone of our society." If that's the case, we're a quadraplegic country.................................

[pnwmom]

19. You give them credit for more understanding than I do. n/t

[cali]

2. anyone can be a lousy parent

and though I agree that gay people shouldn't marry straight people (there are exceptions), few gay people in this day and age, are forced into marrrying a straight person. I'm sure I'll get a lot of shit for saying that, but forced does imply that someone was made to do something.

[Terran]

4. In rural areas I'd say it's still very common

I moved from San Francisco to a midwest town of 30,000 in 1994, and I can tell you reliably that there are a LOT of gay people here married to members of the opposite sex and who have kids. They are forced by perception and peer pressure, but no one is physically twisting their arm. I'm sure the issue barely arises in big cities where anonymity is the rule, but not in small towns.

[cali]

14. perhaps in some rural areas

it sure as hell isn't common in the rural area I live in- and I live in a very rural area. And again, they're not forced. Yes, there's social pressure in some places but that's diminished over time. And most people in this country don't live in rural areas.

[pnwmom]

17. There's still a huge amount of anti-gay social pressure in many areas

of the country. Haven't you noticed how much resistance there is to gay marriage? The places that resist gay marriage are the same places that push gay people to marry straight people.

Sure, no one has a gun to their head -- but most gay people who marry straight people feel forced to, in the sense that they feel it's the only socially acceptable way to have a family and children.

[Terran]

25. Hmm

I'm not sure how you'd know it *isn't* common in your particular area, given the issue consists of keeping something secret. I know it's common here simply because I've met a lot of guys who are in exactly that situation. Maybe your rural area has very liberal attitudes about homosexuality? If so, that would be the exception, not the norm.

[pnwmom]

7. You would be surprised, cali. I belong to an organization of children of

gay parents, and even I've been surprised how many children are still growing up in these marriages. In many parts of the country, and among members of conservative religions, it's still fairly common.

[cali]

15. OK, I can see that. Particularly the part about people who are members

of conservative religions.

[pnwmom]

18. Ten years ago, when I first became involved in COLAGE,

I was surprised and disappointed to learn how many children were still being raised in closeted families like mine. I'm no longer surprised by how common this is. I think it's going to continue until gay marriage is legal everywhere.

[luvspeas]

3. I'm sorry your family had problems....

But I really don't think you can blame so much on a closeted gay parent. I actually know several people who knew they were gay and got married to the opposite sex because they wanted a family. These people loved their children and were incredible parents. Older women, in particular had to face this in the past and their children were their one source of love and pride. They were only able to come out later in life after their kids were grown. Not all closeted gay people in heterosexual marriages are necessarily in unhappy relationships either. many LGB people have deep and meaningful committed loving relationships with people of the opposite sex. Not as a substitute, but as family.

I don't mean to assume, but it sounds like your family might have had similar problems if one of your parents fooled around, or did drugs. I don't say this to belittle your situation, I just feel like if you had a little more perspective, you might see that there is more to it than just all closeted gay people have enormous difficulty.

[pnwmom]

5. I belong to an organization of children of gay parents, so I can tell you

that there are many more like me and my siblings out there. Including some who appear -- to outsiders -- to have terrific parents.

I challenge you to find a closeted child who has liked growing up having to keep this kind of secret, however. I've never met one. (They can love their parents and still feel heavily burdened by the secrecy and the lies.)

But I never said ALL closeted gays are unhappy or that they make lousy parents. Just that they CAN.

[nomorenomore08]

6. I think she's mainly responding to the bullshit conservative arguments about gay people making

bad parents. And I agree that legalizing gay marriage, along with generally easing the social stigma RE: homosexuality, will go a long way toward preventing sad cases like these.

[pnwmom]

8. You're understood exactly what I was trying to say.

Children don't thrive in the closet, but the Rethugs' "family" agenda is what's keeping them in there.

[nomorenomore08]

10. I think the Republican "family values" bullshit is the epitome of wishful thinking.

Ain't no putting that genie back in the bottle, not that anyone should want to considering the more repressive aspects of 1950's (and prior) society - open racism, ultra-rigid gender roles, etc.

[luvspeas]

11. yes, that is the point...

and I meant no disrespect. As a member of PFLAG, I have met a number of children of gays and lesbians who come out after many years in straight marriages. These children support their parents and have told me first hand that their parents were good to them. I do not believe they were putting on a show. No family is perfect, and even flawed people do the best they can with their kids. I'm sure bad things happen, but that's true in all families.

[pnwmom]

12. I bet if you ask them, they'll tell you they love their parents

but they hated having to lie for them.

And that they think the next generation of kids of gays -- raised in open families -- will be better off.

The Rethugs agree with you, by the way, that gay people can be good parents within the context of heterosexual marriage. I agree it is possible -- but isn't it more likely they'd make good parents if they and their children were all out of the closet?

[luvspeas]

13. Likely.

The people I know didn't know their parent was gay until the parent told them. I've known out gay adults that "straighten up" when their teens bring home friends.

[EFerrari]

20. People CAN be lousy parents. I couldn't agree more.

:)

[pnwmom]

23. Then you can't be a Rethug, because Rethugs think

that as long as you marry one man to one woman, everything will be hunky-dory.

[EFerrari]

24. You're right. They'd pretty much have to string me up. lol n/t

[426HemiGuy]

21. Bright Side

Look on the bright side the tide has turned before long gay marriage will be legal in all states.

[pnwmom]

22. I think the tide IS turning, at long last. Welcome to DU, 426HemiGuy. n/t