How to use your word-based English: a guide for teabaggers.

Occam Bandage

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Thu Apr-16-09 02:37 PM
Original message

How to use your word-based English: a guide for teabaggers.

Edited on Thu Apr-16-09 02:53 PM by Occam Bandage

Hello! My name is Occam Bandage, and I would first like to say that I greatly admire your passion for defending America from facism, scholiasm, and the incompence of presedent husein. I understand and apreciate that you have had enoungh of taxation with represention. I also appreciate--as I am sure you do--that even thogh in 1773 we through off the tyrinny of English taxes, we still hold grate respect for the English language. It is in that spirit I am providing for you a guide as to how it may be appropriately used, so you do not appear ignorent or, worse, moranic.

I. PREPARATION FOR USE.

1. Before commencing your use of the English language, ensure you have adequately checked it for safety. Perform a full walk-around, checking it for any leaks, rust, disconnected wires, or dangling participles.

2. Ensure your English language is up-to-date and is certified for usage in your current region. You may need to purchase a digital adapter.

3. Attach your English language to your input accessory of choice. This is most likely going to be a black marker or a computer-compatible computing device. You may wish to use high-performance wires for this purpose, but fishing line can be used if you are in a pinch. Ensure you have attached the red terminal to the red terminal, and the black to the black. WARNING: IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND HELPING YOU, DO NOT START USING ENGLISH WHILE THEY ARE HOLDING THE WIRES. INJURY OR DEATH MAY RESULT.

4. Be advised that your English is only valid for use within the United States and Canada. Attempts to smuggle your English for use in foreign nations is a Federal crime punishable by a fine of up to $10,000 and no less than ninety days in prison.

II. USE

The following rules and guidelines should be observed at all times.

1. When you wish to write, speak carefully, clearly, and slowly as you do so. Mumbled or garbled speech can confuse your marker or computing device.

2. If you have a point you wish to emphasize, you should switch your English to capital-letters mode. Do not attempt to do so while your English is running. A "hot switch" may result in improperly capitalized letters, or in capitalization beginning or ending in the middle of a word. Shut off your English, wait five seconds, switch it, then start it again. (You do not need to perform a full safety check each time you start up your English in this manner.)

3. Do not end words with the letter 's' without following safety precautions. If you simply feed the letter 's' into your English as if it were any letter, the curve of the letter may cause your words to become hooked on the gears operating the feeding mechanism, resulting in a costly jam. Protect your words by applying an apostrophe immediately before the 's'. This will serve to protect the 's' from becoming caught.

DANGEROUS: DEMOCRATS ARE COMMUNIST
SAFE: DEMOCRAT'S ARE COMMUNIST
DANGEROUS: OBAMA WANT'S FASCISM (note that 'sc' has a lot of loops. You should remove the 's' here as well)
SAFE: OBAMA WANT'S FACISM.

4. Your computer may make use of a spell-checking service (or a spell-chequeing service in Canada). It is not advisable to use this service, in part because customs vary widely between services as regards tipping your spell-checker/chequer, and unscrupulous "checkies" often attempt to take advantage of unwary customers. Be warned that your computer may repeatedly attempt to offer such a service; this is considered harassment and is not lawful in most states. If you insist on using this or a similar service, be on the lookout for scammers. Demand to see a city-issued identification card, and agree on a fare beforehand. Write down the fare to ensure there is no misunderstanding.

5. Many people are confused as to when quotation marks may be used when operating their English. The rules are simple: you may use quotation marks when you are recounting something that someone has said, when introducing unfamiliar terminology, when you are using a word with reservations, when you are using words self-referentially, when you wish to emphasize a word or phrase, or whenever you believe your text has become bland and requires "spicing up." Quotation marks are very light and may be used in large numbers without damaging your document. Note that the word "Hussein" should always be in quotation marks. This is a safety regulation to protect nearby words from infection.

CAUTION: Do not attempt to handle "Hussein" outside quotation marks without gloves and an OSHA-certified facemask.

6. When you have finished using your English to write a string of words, you may wish to add a "punctuation mark." If you choose to use an "exclamation point," keep in mind they are social creatures and it is cruel to keep them in solitary conditions. The absolute minimum is two, but a flock of three to five is healthiest, and requires no more maintenance than one. Do not bother using a "period." These have become expensive in the recent economic downturn, and public usage of periods outside of official documents may come off as ostentatious or presumptuous. The wealthy among us occasionally wish to show off their status by appending three periods, known as an "ellipsis" (from Latin "ellippus," meaning "velvet") to each clause. This is often very elegant-looking, and draws positive attention, but can become expensive if done regularly. Commas may also be used, but they are better when combined into quotation marks. You really can never have too many quotation marks, especially on signs.

7. There is much confusion between "you're" and "your." Keep in mind that "you're" is a contraction, meaning it may only be used for topics involving pregnancy and the shortening of muscle fibers. In all other cases, you must use "your."

8. If you temporarily lose control of your English, do not be concerned. English can be very temperamental. It is not necessary to "go back to fix the problem," as many novice users believe. Simply scold your English gently (or, if you recognize you were at fault, apologize) and continue your writing. Returning to "problem moments" may result in reinforcing that type of behavior.

9. If you have any problems with your English, do not shout for assistance. Simply back away from your input device and raise your hand. Ensure you keep your hand raised until you have been helped.

III AFTER USE.

When you have completed your session:

1. Ensure you save your English to disk. Failure to do so may result in the loss of all data, meaning you may have to start over from Anglo-Saxon or even West Germanic.

2. Print out a hard copy of your English. This will allow you to retype it if necessary.

3. Do not turn off your English by releasing the clutch with your English still in gear. This can damage the engine. Follow the shutdown procedures in the user manual that came with your dialect.

Hopefully following these procedures will enable you to have many productive, enjoyable days writing signs and posting about teabagging on the internets. Have fun, and be safe!