Pentagon says space-based death star needed to fight pirates

[yurbud]

In an emergency meeting of the Senate Armed Services Committee, Pentagon officials said they urgently needed a space-based death star to fight the emerging pirate threat.

"With a spheroid battleship about half the size of Earth's moon, we should be able to contain the pirate threat for three to five years," said Gen. Dennis Tully.

"However, we must act with maximum haste," he added. "Right now, the pirates are using small speed boats, but if we wait until the acquire cabin-cruiser technology, there's no telling what kind of devastation they will leave in their wake--and I mean wake literally."

"Even with their current speed boat fleet, if they coupled that with water skiing suicide bombers, they could ski right into the side of a ship or go off a jump and engage aircraft. The pirates would literally be able to blackmail the entire world."

The general went on to say that while nuclear submarines, aircraft carriers, and stealth bombers have been adequate to fight terrorists, they are not enough for the new pirate threat.

"Al Qaeda is a formidable threat, but they don't have their own ride. Hell, they had to hijack planes to do 9/11," Tully said. "These pirates have their OWN boats--really, really fast boats, like maybe 35 knots. We don't have anything like that."

The general added that with some modifications, the death star could be used to fight rabid dogs or a re-emergence of Neanderthals with their precision-flaked cutting tools.

Gen. Tully said the projected cost would be half a trillion dollars spread over three years.

When Democrats questioned the need for the death star, their republican colleagues were quick to point out their lack of patriotism and concern for their country's safety.

"They would like the see the pirates swing in on their ropes with their poofy shirts and rape and pillage at will," said GOP senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, whose state would manufacture all the toilets for the death star.

He was joined in his criticism by erstwhile Democrat Joe Lieberman. "I cannot tell you how pained I am that my sometimes party does not see the clear and present danger posed to our country by illiterate pirates in speed boats halfway around the world." Lieberman's state of Connecticut is home to the Electric Boat Company whose expertise making submarines will be invaluable to them as the prime contractor on the death star.

All concerns about the cost and practicality of the project were swept aside though, when Tully suggested an alternative solution: stop selling American speed boats, outboards, and gasoline to pirates, something all the senators agreed was too extreme.

[bluesbassman]

1. Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Nice one Yurbud.:hi:

[MajorChode]

2. Makes about as much sense as Raygun's Star Wars actually

In fact, I think it makes more sense.

[RandomThoughts]

3. Don't waste your money,

It only took one X-Wing fighter Piloted by Luke, and Han Solo in the Millennial Falcon, (Han sort of being a pirate, now that you mention it), to take out a death star.

It would be a waste of resources.

[walldude]

4. Fear will keep the pirates in line... fear of this battle station.

"Don't be too proud of this technological terror you have created. The ability to destroy pirates is insignificant next to the power of the tea bag".

[RandomThoughts]

7. LOL

That's hilarious. :rofl:

Lots of joking around tonight. :rofl: A Good night for sure :)

[anonymous171]

5. I would not put it past the Pentagon to propose something like this.

:rofl:

[tridim]

6. Are you watching the Star Wars marathon on Spike too?

It's pure HD Star Wars bliss!

[yurbud]

8. NO! Maybe I should be.

[RandomThoughts]

10. I'm watching it on Spike also

Great trilogy.

[imdjh]

17. I meant to ask you if you were watching it. I was too.

[imdjh]

9. You have to admit, you'd love to see their faces

Various peoples around the world, the look on their faces if they did something to piss US off and suddenly some zippy hovering spacecraft with phasars just do that zwooop thing where they fly in very fast , pull up, and start zapping things.

I'd venture to say that they might even think that we already have those kinds of ships and weapons.

[Occam Bandage]

11. Something like this?

[imdjh]

13. that's a little primitive

i was thinking

[yurbud]

23. they need to paint Arnold's face on those in case people miss the point.

[RandomThoughts]

12. Real wars are not fought with weapons of power.

but weapons of compassion. A bit of a paradox. The more destruction a group uses in a war, the more the enemy is identified with, and the more the person with the destruction is disliked.

The weapon of compassion wins in the end always, because it is not a weapon, it is just love.

Never turn to the dark side, its power is a deceptive illusion.

[imdjh]

14. deep n/t

[Occam Bandage]

15. No. Real wars are fought by bringing enormous amounts of power to bear as quickly as possible.

You're thinking of unconventional warfare, the very name of which ought tell you it is unconventional.

[opihimoimoi]

16. Yup...over whelming Force.....Piracy is a cancer to the distribution system

Eliminate ASAP before it spreads....

[flvegan]

18. Be sure to put covers on all exhaust ports.

Never know when a pirate will get an X-Wing fighter.

[yurbud]

22. naw, we just need smaller escort death stars to protect exhaust ports and

smaller smaller escort death stars to protect the smaller death stars exhaust ports.

[Lars39]

19. Good satire, but a bit too much truth to it....it's been proposed already, iirc.

[yurbud]

20. it has? where?

[Lars39]

21. It's been a few years, but the basic proposal was to have a satellite

that could aim laser beams at specific points in countries that were misbehaving. Gotta be creative when you're building an empire, or want to keep it together anyway.

[muriel_volestrangler]

24. K&R

Hey, how about a little appreciation for a good bit of satire written by a DUer, people?