Dear Uncle Sammy: I am concerned people don't take me more seriously when I threaten to secede.

[struggle4progress]

Any advice would be welcome

-- Teaball in Real America



Dear Teaball:

Your question is very important, and Uncle Sammy is more than happy to help you think this matter through carefully

Seceding successfully, of course, involves much more than designing a cool flag and printing up some nice monopoly money or parading around while announcing that you are now a foreign country. There is an Latin phrase that applies when you and your co-conspirators try to give the Federal government a permanent boot but fail: close, but no cigar

The US Department of Justice also has some stock jargon that can apply when someone unsuccessfully attempts to kick the Feds out of the neighborhood: 18 USC §2381-2384, for example. Sometimes the Department prefers to use words like treason, misprision of treason, rebellion, or seditious conspiracy instead of the numbers

Of course, Uncle Sammy is not a lawyer -- and my lawyer says Uncle Sammy should be sure to point out that anything I write here is merely for entertainment. But since you might not trust a real lawyer enough to ask in advance how to best cover your ass in case you somehow get entangled in an insurrection that goes down the tubes, Uncle Sammy feels I should help you notice some important details in US law

Let's begin with a quick peek at 18 USC §2381 and §2382. Both of these begin Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States. This is potentially exciting news: if you don't owe allegiance to the United States, you can't be charged with treason or misprision of treason!

The bad news, of course, is that 18 USC §2383 and §2384 apply whether or not you owe allegiance to the United States, so you can still be charged for rebellion or seditious conspiracy if you bungle your secession attempt. Nevertheless, halving the potential charges seems like a prudent move, and we'll give it a closer look

You couldn't owe allegiance to the United States if you weren't a citizen or national, could you? Squeamish and insincere secessionists may squirm at this point, but that's senseless: if you're really seceding, you won't need US citizenship and nationality, will you? This leads to the question: how do you get rid of that pesky US citizenship and nationality that could unnecessarily add years behind bars?

Fortunately, 8 USC §1481 provides a plethora of options. For example, under §1481(a)(7) you can lose your citizenship by committing treason (18 USC §2381) -- but that's completely unhelpful, because the courts are unlikely to sympathize if you argue §2381 doesn't apply to you because you lost your citizenship pursuant to §1481(a)(7) when you violated §2381

Let's look instead at §1481(a)(5) which allows you to renounce your citizenship abroad before a consular official or diplomat, or look at §1481(a)(6) which allows you (in time of war) to renounce your citizenship to the Attorney General or his designee. Since Uncle Sammy is uncertain whether the current occupation of Iraq qualifies as a war for purposes of §1481, the prudent course is to avail yourself of the §1481(a)(5) option rather than the §1481(a)(6) option

So obtain a copy of the Oath of Renunciation of the Nationality of the United States from the Bureau of Consular Affairs at the US Department of State. Then renounce your US nationality and citizenship at a US consulate in Canada or Mexico. If asked why you are renouncing your nationality and citizenship, be sure to explain that you do not want to be prosecuted under 18 USC §2381 or §2382 if your secessionist effort belly-flops

Instant credibility! It's that simple!

Good-bye! And good luck!

-- Uncle Sammy

[Bucky]

1. Additional costs of secession

Establishing a currency. Would the new country have a credit line? Would the rest of the world suddenly just grant them high rated government bonds? Or would all investments in the breakaway republic suddenly start rapidly losing value?

Building a military. It would be tough, depending on the size & number of states butting out, but the US military would be able to handle the loss of any contracted personnel who decided to join up with their native state--assuming they didn't all land in the klink for desertion. But how quickly could "Redfartistan" organize a separate military?

One would presume that the US military gets to keep all its existing hardware. Would Country R accept an "all infantry" military, or would they have to go on a crash buying program to create a navy and armored divisions along with any other infrastructure needs they might need.

Patrolling the border. With the US Customs and US Border Patrol suddenly relieved of any duties they might have along any of Country R's points of entry, our new neighbor is going to have one whopping load of organizing to do on the spot. Remember, they won't have to just patrol their previous international borders; they'll need to patrol any new borders they have which used to be state lines.

Infrastructure. How many dollars and how much expertise does Country R recieve in maintaining its telecommunications, highways, rail lines, health inspections, law enforcement, bridge maintenance, and sundry seaport functions? Who's going to run their airport security when all the TSA cops pack up and move to St Louis?

This is just based on a few seconds' consideration. Nevermind the headaches they'd create for newly transnational families, for companies struggling with newly internationalized corporate laws, for private industry credit lines, for diplomatic agreements that protect Americans but now no longer protect Redfartistanian citizens working overseas, for Redfartistani college students outside their new country, or for the millions of loyal Americans living in Country R who want to continue being part of the United States.

Threatening secession isn't an act of political desperation--it's a temper tantrum.

[chrisa]

2. And then there's that...

Massive war you have to worry about.