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JeffR
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Fri Apr-24-09 06:55 PM Original message |
| *** DUzy Awards for week ending April 24, 2009 *** |
 Welcome to the legally ambiguous DUzy Awards, recognizing exceptional snark, enlivening satire and epigrammatic sass from the past week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!The DUzy Awards might just be announced every Friday night. Previous awards can be found in my journal. Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD. On a thread by madeline_con: Palin was so friggin selfless when she decided not to abort. smalll: She WOULD have aborted if she didn't have an absolute right to saddle her progeny... with whatever wacky names her whims demanded. What was it again? Trig Paxon Van Palin?!?! Last I heard French judges still have the power to stop clueless parents from abusing their kids through naming choices. Sure, the French can walk the beaches topless and not even get fined (let alone lifetime membership in the Sex Offender blacklist) , but we can name our kids Maddyssonleigh and no one has standing to litigate. Which side is letting down civilization the most? Clearly, us. On a thread by Archae: I was thinking of cable TV, from 10, 20 years ago. RoyGBiv: In the beginning ... There was Home Box Office. But HBO was too mainstream for some people. They wanted variety and non-mainstream movies And then there was Showtime. And it was good. But then the people wanted boobies. There were not enough boobies on HBO and Showtime. And then came And it was ok. Then there was The Movie Channel and Starz and Encore and TCM and countless others. And there's never anything on anymore. On a thread by sarcasmo: Good News. ASSHAT Mel Gibson Divorce is going to be the most expensive ever. regnaD kciN: Gee...I guess he should be glad he isn't married to Heather Mills... :evilgrin: On a thread by monmouth: Sales soar of book Chavez gave Obama....LOL SoCalDem: Look out Oprah.. Hugo's Book Club is born :) On a thread by Mari333: 'nothing better then a DEAD liberal'...teabaggers in MI video mitchum: But I thought that right wingers thought there was nothing better than a dead conservative... otherwise, why do they worship Reagan? beac: Reagan's not dead. He's deregulated. On a thread by trumad: It was teabag this and teabag that-----and then Susan Boyle sang.... Knocked the teabaggers off the center stage... cwydro: I like her just for that reason. Wonder what the new thing will be... Dennis Donovan: Teaboyling... :crazy: OP by KamaAina: I want to create a Susan Boyle thread that never dies shouldn't be that difficult... :eyes: On a thread by brettdale: O'Lielly calls up Stewart for lying LOL!!!!!! Faux news did a piece on the daily show's coverage of their tea parties, basically they called Stewart untruthful... tuvor: Bill, Bill, it's a COMEDY SHOW. Their only responsibility is to elicit laughs. Why hold Comedy Central to a higher standard than Fox News? On a thread by dolo amber: Wow...I had no idea there were so many lawyers on DU Where'd you guys get your degrees? I feel left out now, for I am not a Constitutional scholar or expert on international law like so many of you. :( Richardo: Mine's from ITT Technical Institute! I'm out of that dead-end job now, and pontificating about the Constitution on the internet!!!1! kwassa: I got mine off the back of a box of corn flakes! LooseWilly: Mine's in the mail still... ... I once applied for a job as a cookie baker. The owner told me he wouldn't hire me, and instructed me to instead apply to Law School. Who was I to argue with a cookie store owner? Blue-Jay: Lots of yoga experts, too! I see posts every day that leave me wondering "How that person get their head so far up their ass?" :D liberalmuse: I ordered mine from the back of an 'Archie's' comic. It was next to the ad for those x-ray vision glasses. JayMusgrove: I got mine with S+H Green stamps, remember those? n/t progressoid: Coke rewards points. I'm saving up for a Phd too! jane_pippin: DeVry. What's it to ya? I just like bringing up DeVry. :D struggle4progress: I already have two degrees! With any luck, somebody'll give me the third degree soon! Thermometers, beware! vaberella: I found mine floating in a toilet bowl of a public bathroom on highway 69. n/t iamthebandfanman: i made mine myself. see, i told you i was smart. crafty too. MiniMe: Not a lawyer, but I stayed at Holiday Inn Express last night Ask me anything. :evilgrin: OP by CreekDog: I got called an "a$$hat" in GD yes with the dollar signs and all. :D in my defense, i was being an ass, not an a$$hat. :shrug: (edited to say: this did not offend me, by the way. :rofl:) Starbucks Anarchist: They call that "foreplay." On a thread by The Straight Story: hold my beer and watch this: Man Pretending to Fall Off Bridge Actually Falls predfan: I wish I had a quarter for every time I pretended to fall off a bridge, drunk, and really did. On a poll by muriel_volestrangler: Would you donate your brain for medical research after death? Dead_Parrot: I've been preserving mine with alcohol for years... ...just to make it easier for them. :beer: The Straight Story: I already donated mine, they gave it back though Seems they did not like abby normal :) MrSlayer: No, I would prefer to remain intact. As much as is possible. Not much I can do about it if I fall into a wood chipper or get eaten by jackals or something. doctor jazz: Other: I'd donate it to the RNC since they don't have any. Duer 157099: ...it's the "after death" part of your question that creeps me out How many would donate it before death? TahitiNut: Living brain donors are a major caucus in the GOP. :shrug: laststeamtrain: I gave at the office. n/t. On a thread by babylonsister: Tom Tomorrow: The incredible shrinking rightwingoverse: The smaller it gets, the crazier it gets! New Tom Tomorrow once again featuring an appearance by the 'Get a brain! morans' guy." badgerpup: I sorta feel sorry for him... ...just a little. Imagine: "What do you want to be when you grow up, little boy?" "I wanna be an Internet meme famous for depicting rightwing stupidness!" "That's nice..." :eyes: OP by Bunny: Once again, my enormous bosoms get in the way. On a thread by Liberal_in_LA: I'm surprised the Somali Pirate teen wasn't sent to a secret prison and tortured HiFructosePronSyrup: Under Bush he'd be back in Somalia enjoying his ransom money. And surprised how Bush got several thousand U.S. troops killed in his invasion of Finland. OP by Stinky The Clown: Let's play Talk Like A Republican - Version A Republican Talk: "If we could get information to stop an atom bomb attack by torturing someone, I say we do it in a heartbeat." Suitable entry in the game version: "If we could end male pattern baldness by torturing, I say we do it right now!" Write your own ...... liberal N proud: If we could stop Republicans from running for office... by torturing someone, I say we do it. NOW tense: If throwing a little water on someone's face means cheaper gas, I am all for it. Sebastian Doyle: IF WE COULD GET SOME LIBRUL COMMIENIST IN HAWAYEE TO PRODUCE HUSSEIN OSAMA'S REAL BIRTH CIRTIFCUT I'D DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT !11!!1!!1! On a thread by babylonsister: Lieberman: Obama releasing OLC torture memos 'helps our enemies.' aquart: God, I hate that he's Jewish. It's so humiliating. The Wizard: His foreskin should be reattached with rusty staples, no anesthesia. Ikonoklast: The foreskin is doing the talking, here. The human baby part accidentally got thrown by the mohel. On a thread by sufrommich: $25,000 a month to "run" Free Republic???? To: All Free Republic Monthly Budget Once we get our monthly donations to the point where they will cover all of our expenses, we will not need to have fundraisers. Est. Recurring Monthly Contributions $9,329.00 Monthly Expenses Bandwidth and Colocation $2,430 System Administation and Programming 7,000 Administrative and Taxes 10,500 Legal and Accounting 1,000 Bank Fees, Credit Card Fees, Processing Fees 800 Equip, Maintenance and Repairs 300 Office Expenses, Rents, Insurance, Telephone, ISP, Supplies, Misc. 2,500 Travel Expenses 800 25,330.00 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Est. Monthly Shortfall ($16,001.00) http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2235461/posts onehandle: $500 for bandwidth. $24,830.00 for sheets and flaming crosses. Lex: For 25K per month maybe they could learn to spell "Administration" Administation? Contrary1: ...or spring for a spell checker. n/t tanyev: RWers use a cheaper word processing system which only has a Speel Chek feature. Renew Deal: The programming number is bullshit. There hasn't been a new feature on that site since 1994. FLAprogressive: I thought it said "Bandwidth and Colonics" :rofl: Patsy Stone: Cheetos ain't free, ya know. nt OP by struggle4progress: Dear Uncle Sammy: I am concerned people don't take me more seriously when I threaten to secede. Any advice would be welcome -- Teaball in Real America Dear Teaball: Your question is very important, and Uncle Sammy is more than happy to help you think this matter through carefully Seceding successfully, of course, involves much more than designing a cool flag and printing up some nice monopoly money or parading around while announcing that you are now a foreign country. There is an Latin phrase that applies when you and your co-conspirators try to give the Federal government a permanent boot but fail: close, but no cigar The US Department of Justice also has some stock jargon that can apply when someone unsuccessfully attempts to kick the Feds out of the neighborhood: 18 USC §2381-2384, for example. Sometimes the Department prefers to use words like treason, misprision of treason, rebellion, or seditious conspiracy instead of the numbers Of course, Uncle Sammy is not a lawyer -- and my lawyer says Uncle Sammy should be sure to point out that anything I write here is merely for entertainment. But since you might not trust a real lawyer enough to ask in advance how to best cover your ass in case you somehow get entangled in an insurrection that goes down the tubes, Uncle Sammy feels I should help you notice some important details in US law Let's begin with a quick peek at 18 USC §2381 and §2382. Both of these begin Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States. This is potentially exciting news: if you don't owe allegiance to the United States, you can't be charged with treason or misprision of treason! The bad news, of course, is that 18 USC §2383 and §2384 apply whether or not you owe allegiance to the United States, so you can still be charged for rebellion or seditious conspiracy if you bungle your secession attempt. Nevertheless, halving the potential charges seems like a prudent move, and we'll give it a closer look You couldn't owe allegiance to the United States if you weren't a citizen or national, could you? Squeamish and insincere secessionists may squirm at this point, but that's senseless: if you're really seceding, you won't need US citizenship and nationality, will you? This leads to the question: how do you get rid of that pesky US citizenship and nationality that could unnecessarily add years behind bars? Fortunately, 8 USC §1481 provides a plethora of options. For example, under §1481(a)(7) you can lose your citizenship by committing treason (18 USC §2381) -- but that's completely unhelpful, because the courts are unlikely to sympathize if you argue §2381 doesn't apply to you because you lost your citizenship pursuant to §1481(a)(7) when you violated §2381 Let's look instead at §1481(a)(5) which allows you to renounce your citizenship abroad before a consular official or diplomat, or look at §1481(a)(6) which allows you (in time of war) to renounce your citizenship to the Attorney General or his designee. Since Uncle Sammy is uncertain whether the current occupation of Iraq qualifies as a war for purposes of §1481, the prudent course is to avail yourself of the §1481(a)(5) option rather than the §1481(a)(6) option So obtain a copy of the Oath of Renunciation of the Nationality of the United States from the Bureau of Consular Affairs at the US Department of State. Then renounce your US nationality and citizenship at a US consulate in Canada or Mexico. If asked why you are renouncing your nationality and citizenship, be sure to explain that you do not want to be prosecuted under 18 USC §2381 or §2382 if your secessionist effort belly-flops Instant credibility! It's that simple! Good-bye! And good luck! -- Uncle Sammy OP by graywarrior: Idiots on cable news who say "you do the math" need to be beaten to a pulp. petronius: Only time will tell if your assertion has legs. One thing is certain, there'll be a lot of hard-hitting discussions around America's water coolers tomorrow. What will it all mean in the end? You decide... skygazer: Then there are the incessant "overnight developments" For about 3 years, i had to listen to "Overnight developments in the Lacy Peterson case." Usually those overnight developments consisted of, "Nothing new in the Lacy Peterson case..." :eyes: OP title by KitchenWitch: I just got back from the fresh hell that is Chuck E Cheese On a poll by RB TexLa: DU has almost 140,000 users. I have been told that we should memorize other users usernames Warren DeMontague: What a waste of perfectly good brain space that I could be filling up with other nonsense Shit, sports statistics, bad jokes, Star Wars trivia... I can think of tons of better usage for those synapses than memorizing other users usernames. And who told you that? Do you remember? ;-) On a thread by G_j: Giant Mystery Blob Discovered Near Dawn of Time "A newly found primordial blob may represent the most massive object ever discovered in the early universe, researchers announced today..." Hugabear: That's no blob. That's Rush Limbaugh's ass. It's just so massive, it bends light, space, and time and only looks like it is billions of light-years away. Don't get too close to it, or you'll be sucked in to its black hole. Along with any oxycontin you might have on you. OP by sniffa: Torture saved us from another attack(s) Excuse me, I mean enhanced interrogation tactics saved us from another attack(s). We just can't know any details about the attack(s) and what was gleaned because it would jeopardize our national security AND blow our minds. OP by Hanse: Imagine Chris Matthews' head floating outside your window at night. Just his lit, disembodied head with that big stupid grin hovering just outside your kitchen window while you're doing the dishes. Just bobbing up and down, occasionally doing somersaults. With tinny calliope music playing in the distance. Man, that's really fricking creepy. Fuck Lou Dobbs. OP by jmowreader: Flight information for freepers who hate President Obama You know how all the freepers thought those of us who weren't in lockstep with Dear Leader George W. Bush should leave the country because it's unpatriotic to disagree with Our President in a time of war? (Neglecting the fact, of course, they impeached President Clinton while HE was running a war...where's the love, guys?) Obviously dissent is unpatriotic, therefore any freeper who disagrees with President Obama is unpatriotic and needs to go to a country where no dissent is tolerated. One of these countries is the Democratic People's Republic of Korea; in this post I will describe how to travel there. Your first step is to get yourself to an airport that offers service to Pyongyang, North Korea. There seem to be two: Beijing, China, and Vladivostok, Russia. Air China will fly you from New York City's John F. Kennedy International Airport to Beijing, one way, for $460. A number of airlines will fly you from Los Angeles International Airport to Beijing for around $600. (Add about $150 in taxes and fees to that.) If you'd feel safer eating Russian food at the airport than Chinese, you can get from JFK to Vladivostok for around $1500. The next step is to get to Pyongyang. I can't find prices--apparently you are expected to book through tour operators--but Air Koryo flies from Beijing on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, and from Vladivostok on Thursdays. You will also find that Mandarin Airlines and Far Eastern Air Transport fly from Taipei to Pyongyang, and also Air China flies from Beijing. Air Koryo, the North Korean flag carrier, owns 38 airplanes, five of which actually run. Three of these airplanes are Ilyushin-76 freighters. The other two are Tupolev-204 airliners. (Let's be serious here: if you are running an airline on five airplanes, these ones are pretty good.) They purchased these planes so as to service European destinations. However, the airline has been banned from flying to any European Union country because parts tend to fall off their planes and their pilots fly like idiots, but that's okay, no one's actually flown an Air Koryo plane into the side of a mountain in clear weather since 1983...and no one's driven an Air Koryo plane off the runway since 2006. But we'll be charitable and say that in that one incident when someone really DID run the plane off the runway, he did it in Pyongyang and as we all know, you're not expected to know where the runway boundaries at the airport you live next to are. Oh yeah, this airline is from North Korea where they aren't all that open about their aviation mishaps. They could be flying into the sides of mountains and running off runways right and left, but we can rest assured only the finest North Korean pilots are allowed to fly for Air Koryo because, after all, they don't have enough planes that work to let someone fuck one up. Anyway...now you're in North Korea, where everyone just adores the president. And he totally hates Democrats. Once you land, just walk straight into Pyongyang City Hall and tell them you hate America so bad, you want to live in a country more attuned to your values. They will hook you up. You'll notice I didn't give you any instructions on how to get back. Why would you want to? You'll love it there--they hate Obama just as bad as you do! OP by brentspeak: John Yoo calls UCal-Berkeley, his employer, the "jurisdiction of the People's Republic of Berkeley" In a speech the other day at Chapman University: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bybee22-2009apr22,0,2274085.story "Yoo, 41, alluded to his own uncomfortable situation at the liberal university where he has tenure, thanking the Chapman administration for giving him the opportunity to escape 'the jurisdiction of the People's Republic of Berkeley.'" Hey, man - if you don't like it there, no one's tortur...er, forcing you stay there. And some nice sniping here. A DUzy to EFerrari for response #23, though it's still unlear if "rooter" is a typo or not... On a thread by omega minimo: First they came for the jobs, and I did not speak out-- because I was not unemployed;  On a thread by Pierre.Suave: PUI is fun everyopne should do it... flvegan: In GD, I think everyopne is.  OP by byronius: Democratic Underground Date.  On a locked thread: Pleasuring herself with a dildo of deceit cbayer: Locking Although we really don't understand what this means, it does not seem to meet posting criteria for a mature discussion of human sexuality. Cheers, cbayer DU Moderator  On a thread by meegbear: Another teabagger FAIL response #1 by villager response #7 by Mari333 response #12 by Gormy Cuss response #16 by JHB response #31 by FloridaJudy response #36 by tekisui response #45 by LostInAnomie response #47 by doctor jazz response #66 by peekaloo GD, April 17, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5477083 OP by Ptah: Wow. Dial-up warning Large pic The Lounge, April 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8703185 OP by zulchzulu: Miller releases controversial beer ad! GDP, April 20, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8358564 On a thread by Jackeens: PHOTOS The Four Musketeers? (April 21) response #4 by Egnever GDP, April 21, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8361057 On a thread by Jackeens: PHOTOS No offence to my Libyan friends....but how did Hillary keep a straight face today? response #1 by Bicoastal response #4 by Arkana response #9 by Arugula Latte response #15 by dalaigh lllama response #27 by Ikonoklast GDP, April 21, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8362091 OP by Junkdrawer: I just looked up "hoisted by one's own petard". This is all they had... GD, April 21, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5504768 OP by ashling: Obama smiles with dictator who actively worked against American values GDP, April 23, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8365280 |
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| Canuckistanian
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Fri Apr-24-09 07:04 PM Response to Original message |
| 1. Great stuff, as always! |
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| Initech
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Fri Apr-24-09 07:08 PM Response to Original message |
| 2. I thought my joke comparing Limpballs to Jabba The Hutt was a shoo-in. |
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| myrna minx
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Fri Apr-24-09 07:10 PM Response to Original message |
| 3. Congratulations everyone. |
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| ColbertWatcher
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Fri Apr-24-09 07:15 PM Response to Original message |
| 4. Another great week of funny stuff! Another great job, thank you JeffR. k+r, n/t |
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| laststeamtrain
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Fri Apr-24-09 07:20 PM Response to Original message |
| 5. Alright! Winner! |
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| Muttocracy
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Fri Apr-24-09 08:35 PM Response to Original message |
| 6. "and there are trolls" |
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| PBS Poll-435
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Fri Apr-24-09 09:11 PM Response to Original message |
| 7. Great selections this week |
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| NV Whino
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Fri Apr-24-09 10:07 PM Response to Original message |
| 8. Oh, great stuff! |
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| EFerrari
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Fri Apr-24-09 10:22 PM Response to Original message |
| 9. Thanks, JeffR. Not a typo. For once. |
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| JeffR
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Sat Apr-25-09 01:44 AM Response to Reply #9 |
| 11. Aw, I knew it the whole dang time |
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| krispos42
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Fri Apr-24-09 11:30 PM Response to Original message |
| 10. Another good collection |
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| Ikonoklast
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Sat Apr-25-09 02:59 AM Response to Reply #10 |
| 12. I want one just like it. |
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| Patsy Stone
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Sat Apr-25-09 08:23 AM Response to Original message |
| 13. Another wonderful week of laughs! |
|
Edited on Sat Apr-25-09 08:26 AM by Patsy Stone
K&R!
I love a good Holiday Inn Express joke. And thanks for my award! BTW, one of the responses in that Hillary/chrome suit thread cracked me up; and I'm nominating it for a DUzy (#56 -- jberryhill, I'm talkin' to you!). Does no one else remember Mahir? "I kiss you!"  |
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| HCE SuiGeneris
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Sat Apr-25-09 12:52 PM Response to Original message |
| 14. Another excellent compilation. |
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| badgerpup
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Sat Apr-25-09 02:39 PM Response to Original message |
| 15. Wow...I'm on the DUzy list! |
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