My prayer with the Talibaptists who came to my door today.

[Are_grits_groceries]

I had a couple of Talibaptists from the local Bible Temple knock on my door. I asked if they had heard the news about Dr. Tiller. They were pleased as punch. I got this smile on my face which they made the mistake of thinking was a pleasant smile. The students I used to teach could have warned them. This was a smile you never wanted to see. Somebody had done something way wrong, and I had broken out my “Smile of Doom.”

I asked these women if I could lead them in a moment of prayer. They were as happy as a pig in shit. I have said Grace before, but I don’t ever remember asking that question. We bowed our heads and I said:

Our Father who art in Heaven, this must be a day of great pain for you. Many who profess to love you and your only son are taking great pleasure in the sorrow of others. Someone decided that he would stand in for you, and he took the life of another. What Dr.Tiller did and his salvation was up to you. I don’t begin to profess to know what you want.
However, whatever your thoughts about Dr. Tiller, I can’t imagine that you would rejoice over what has happened. I don’t believe you sent your son so that others would suffer. I was taught he was sent for forgiveness. Instead there is hate and anger.
“Forgive them Father. They know not what they do.”
Amen.

I gave them the skank eye and they left. I was churched well growing up in the South. I have no idea what I believe. I just know I don’t believe in what they profess to be God’s word. I don’t even know if there is a God. After yesterday, he probably resigned and left.

[timtom]

1. A masterful reply.

Spot on!

[skooooo]

2. Good for you...

I'm not sure I would have been calm enough to pull that off.

[Are_grits_groceries]

6. I had been thinking about it.

I knew they were liable to be around. I really itch to slap one so hard their heads spin like Linda Blair's in the Exorcist. However, I am not going to jail because of them. I'll bet they are a little wary about "words of prayer" from now on.

[Demoiselle]

113. You knew they were likely to be around? (!!!)

Gee whiz, you mean you get regular visits from them?
I think I'd have to dig a moat around my house if i expected such regular visits. Stocked with alligators.
Anyway, good for you. I admire your self control.

[Are_grits_groceries]

116. This was the 4th visit in the last few months.

I should keep a calendar. Then there were the Mormons. I'm thinking up something for thme in case they return. I am a

wingnut magnet. Maybe they get extra stars if they bring me to Jesus or something. They probably have a program like

they do at the Piggly Wiggly with GreenBax stamps. They get a booklet and everytime they save someone they get a

star. Once they collect enough stars they can redeem them for a Bible, a robe or a throne. Who knows?

Once they asked me if I had found Jesus. I told them I didn't know he was lost.

[ZombieHorde]

3. You are a fool,

you should have eaten them. Waste not, want not.

[Kalyke]

8. They were probably too grisley and fatty to digest.

:hi:

[Vidar]

51. Well done.

[Jackpine Radical]

54. You don't eat things like that. Ever.

They have such a toxic load of hatred and bigotry that it would kill any normal person. I don't even like the idea of them being buried anyplace where their remnants could leach into the groundwater.

[Chulanowa]

55. Even a zombie won't eat carrion

And these sorts of people are most definitely dead.

[Ken Burch]

67. But who knows where they've been?

:puke:

And could you ever find enough ketchup to hide the aftertaste?

[Eugenian]

90. When I buy a house someday,

I'm going to put a big-ass sign in front. It will say:



All who tread here take notice:

Evangelists, missionaries and other snake oil sellers

SHALL BE EATEN

(with fava beans and a nice Chianti).

:-)

[hootinholler]

95. I always invite them in for group sex

I think I must do it wrong, they never accept the invitation.

-Hoot

[The Doctor.]

112. You have to call it your 'intensive prayer session', where EVERYBODY praises God!

That'll get 'em.

[myrna minx]

4. Have I ever told you how much I enjoy your posts?

:toast:

[Are_grits_groceries]

11. Thx.

My "meh" kitteh is my guide.

[Swagman]

71. that's an angry looking pussy

[annabanana]

94. (you don't mess wtih the 'meh" cat. . .). . . . n/t

[dgibby]

5. Killing them softly with their own religion. I worship at your shrine!

[notadmblnd]

7. I love it when idiots have their faces slammed into the wall of reality.

What was their reaction other than leaving? No parting words from them?

[Are_grits_groceries]

10. Nope. I think the skank eye made them afraid.

In addition, I don't think they wanted to provoke me. I was something very new and unusual for them.

[HelenWheels]

19. You got your skank eye from your kitty. nt

[Are_grits_groceries]

26. Heh! True. nt

[LiberalFighter]

78. Did they leave a mark in front of your house like hobos do to stay away? LOL

[donheld]

9. Bravo

[Vinca]

12. That was brilliant. You've inspired me to take on the next knock on the door.

[Are_grits_groceries]

14. I have had plenty of practice

taking on people in my own family. I don't take shit anymore from anybody. After yesterday, I am loaded for bear. There are advantages to having been made to go to church when I was young I guess. It ain't up to them anyway. If there is a God, I'll know soon enough what she thinks.

[Vinca]

16. LOL - I'm with you. At the end of his life, my dad got religion and

ended up in one of the churches where speaking in tongues is common practice. I went with him one time and think if the nuts come to the door again I'll start spewing gibberish and freak them out.

[rucognizant]

I did it!

WHen a pair of Morman Elders( young men) came to the door evangelizing, I ever so gently led them into returning the next week, to perform community service, helping this old lady dig a garden bed.
It was a really very nice interlude.they were gentlemen and not pushy, ( I told them was a Quaker, and thus confidant in my belief.
Which I am, tho the meeting house is an hour's drive so I never go.)
I made them freshly squeezed lemonade, and they were grateful for that! I promised them corn in the fall too when the crop is harvested!

[Tangerine LaBamba]

13. I'll pray with you anytime,

and I'm not even a believer.

K&R. Well done!

:toast:

[Dappleganger]

15. Awesome!

I would have loved to have watched this. :D

[Terran]

17. "the local Bible temple"

I love that. :rofl: Well played, well played.

[Are_grits_groceries]

18. That's actually the name of it.

"The Baptist Temple." I kid you not.

[NJCher]

20. you are too funny for words

I did so enjoy that, are_grits_groceries.

When I was in my early twenties, my acid-loving brother finally got straight but with Jesus. He insisted on shoving it down everyone's throat.

One night when he appeared at my door, I knew what was up and I was prepared. I had a tambourine I stuck under my sofa. After he started up with the need for me to be saved, I pulled out the tambourine and began saying, Praise Jesus, I'm saved."

After about 30 seconds of that, I asked if he got what he came for and then showed him the door.

A few decades later, we never hear about being saved anymore but I think he listens to Rush Limbaugh.


Cher

[Are_grits_groceries]

25. I have a cousin in California who "found God."

That always amuses me. He wasn't lost, but my cousin was. He was so whacked out that I called my Mama after that cult committed suicide. They were the ones waiting on the UFO or something. I was sure my cousin was with them.

[Terran]

39. My brother and his wife did the same.

Our father and hers both died within a month or so of each other, so they decided they needed God in their lives, to figure it out I guess. And of course they opted for the most conservative church they could find.

[crikkett]

100. That was Heaven's Gate

I'm really sorry.

Great prayer, by the way.
\golfclap

[barbtries]

57. that was great

:rofl:

[crikkett]

99. And here I was,

thinking that acid was good for you...

:scared:

[AspenRose]

21. YES!

That was beautiful :applause:

[bdamomma]

22. great response and they left without no response.

I guess you proved your point!!!!

[Mist]

23. Good for you Grits! You're both quick-witted and more patient with those fools

than I would have been. I'd be tempted to shout and call them self-righteous hypocrits. Your response was so much better!

[Are_grits_groceries]

24. I feel my Mama over my shoulder.

She never liked that kind of hating. However, she would jerk me up for not having manners.

In Charleston, SC the people there will "polite you to death" if they don't like you. They wouldn't be so gauche as to call you out. This is a version of that.

[corpseratemedia]

36. Bless your heart!

;-)

wonderful post, smile of doom!!

[Are_grits_groceries]

38. Heh! Seriesly,

when I got that look, my students would shut up in a heartbeat. I didn't even have tell them to.

[dgibby]

53. Hence the term "Well, bless your heart".

[reflection]

27. That is beyond hilarious. Bravo!

:applause:

[pleah]

28. K&R That was a great burn!

Were their barbed tails tucked between their legs?


:yourock:


:rofl:

[Are_grits_groceries]

30. No. However,

they couldn't run too fast with their cloven hooves.

[pleah]

37. rotflmao!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[immoderate]

29. I really like that story.

--imm

[NC_Nurse]

31. Bless their hearts! You did'em right. I hope that put a moth in their psyches

that eats a hole in the brainwashing they've had. Maybe one day your words will come back to them at an opportune moment.
Maybe you'll have "saved" them. ;)

[Are_grits_groceries]

33. Lol!

That would be a turn. and yes, Bless their hearts!

[Shell Beau]

32. Wonderful! Way to go!

:thumbsup:

[raccoon]

34. Good going! nt

[csziggy]

35. “Forgive them Father. They know not what they do.” Amen.

Absolutely perfect! :yourock: :applause:

[BarbaRosa]

40. A work of art.

Very well done. I wish I had that restraint, and wit. The last time they showed up here, I made good and sure they knew they weren't welcome, it worked, they haven't been back.

Your approach was a pure work of art.

[tavalon]

41. Wow, that was great

I was raised Southern Baptist and I knew this type only too well. I ditched that religion like a bad habit in my early twenties. I've lived a much happier, much more tolerant (and interesting) nuanced life than I could have had praying with the sheep.

[Are_grits_groceries]

42. I quit going to church

as soon as I was out of high school. I haven't been back since. Fortunately or unfortunately, I retain a lot of what I heard.

[tavalon]

80. Same here, though I had fond memories of the comraderie

but every time I thought to go back, the sermon was enough to remind me of why I didn't do that church thing any more.

[Uncle Joe]

43. Kicked and recommended for the words of the day, "skank eye".

Thanks for the thread, Are_grits_groceries.:thumbsup:

[Are_grits_groceries]

44. Skank eye is an old family term.

It seems to be highly effective. You're welcome about the thread. Nothing like hoisting some Talibaptists with their own petard.

[Sheltiemama]

47. Yeah, I'm stealing that, too.

Also, "Smile of Doom." Sounds like something my dad would do.

[Wednesdays]

45. K&R

:kick:

[The River]

46. I Love The Door 2 Door "Folks"

You pulled a scriptural Judo move!
You used their belief like a well placed
hip and took them both down. Congrats.

After dealing with them for 40+ years I've
perfected my own recruitment "sermon" that's
almost guaranteed to induce nagging doubt.

[Are_grits_groceries]

49. It's more like Krav Maga.

However, judo will do.

[The Doctor.]

110. Sermon?

I'd love to hear it!

I so enjoy twisting up the Jehovah's Witlessness with a few choice points of my own.

Care to share?

[noiretextatique]

48. how can "christians" rejoice over a murder?

i don't understand how any true christian could be happy about some psycho shooting a man in church.

[OneGrassRoot]

50. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Thanks. :) n/t

[Cha]

52. That was Beautiful, grits!

Each in our own little way and as someone noted..your's was "masterful"!

[barbtries]

56. how did they react?

any well deserved shame? did they learn anything? kudos to you for doing that, i'm quite certain that i would simply slam the door in their faces.

[Are_grits_groceries]

58. I didn't see any shame.

I did notice a great deal of anxiety and probably fear. I was wearing a tshirt with Stonehenge on it. Under the image was the slogan "Give me that old time religion." That was pure coincidence, but it confused them even more.

[barbtries]

108. that made me laugh

:rofl:

[Downwinder]

59. I'll bet your southern accent came back.

[Are_grits_groceries]

62. It got a lot stronger.

I should have been chewing a piece of straw and/or dipping.

[Downwinder]

69. It probably came out about like Karo syrup.

That's as good an indicator as the smile, time to find a place to hide.

[Still Sensible]

60. That was a classy way to handle the situation

and I applaud you. Of course if there is a God and He was listening, I suspect He was most pleased.

[emsimon33]

61. "Talibaptists"--you captured their very essence!

[Voice for Peace]

63. A new church..

The Church of Are Grits Groceries

[Are_grits_groceries]

91. I belong to the

"Church of the Other Foot." As in put the shoe on the other foot.

[puebloknot]

64. A gracious kindness on your part: “Forgive them Father. They know not what they do.”

You made a point they could relate to, and maybe your irony awoke some sleeping semblance of real humanity residing in those two women.

At some deep, human level the kind of churching you "enjoyed" (and I did, too, in Texas)does not manage to kill off *every neuron*, and they *do* know what they do. But they are weak minded, from birth or from too much indoctrination, and they go along with the herd to cut into what there is of their existential awareness that we are all alone.

America, the Not-Yet-Completely-Blighted-By Religion America, needs to grow a skank eye and get to the barriers. Fanatics do not go quietly into that good night. They are conditioned to believe they must take someone with them.

Amen!

[sce56]

65. Seek and ye shall recieve! Or something like that.

Myself I'm a thinking individual with a brain when I run into holy rollers trying to get me to church I tell them I have an adult brain and no longer believe in Fairy Tales!
Now if there was such a thing as a almighty GOD why did he let them get away with the way they treated Galileo.
Galileo's championing of Copernicanism was controversial within his lifetime, when a large majority of philosophers and astronomers still subscribed to the geocentric view that the Earth remained motionless at the center of the universe. After 1610, when he began supporting heliocentrism publicly, he met with bitter opposition from some philosophers and clerics, and two of the latter eventually denounced him to the Roman Inquisition early in 1615. Although he was cleared of any offense at that time, the Catholic Church nevertheless condemned heliocentrism as "false and contrary to Scripture" in February 1616,<8> and Galileo was warned to abandon his support for it—which he promised to do. When he later defended his views in his most famous work, Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems, published in 1632, he was tried by the Inquisition, found "vehemently suspect of heresy", forced to recant, and spent the rest of his life under house arrest.

[Name removed]

66. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

68. Are you accusing the OP of lying? If so, why?

[Pacifist Patriot]

119. Always happens when someone posts a personal experience.

Some people are incapable of crediting others with wit and wisdom. :shrug:

[libnnc]

73. awwww...

poor widdle one

need your binky?

[Name removed]

81. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Pacifist Patriot]

98. I'll believe it for a couple of reasons.

Having been raised in the midst of a Southern Baptist family in the buckle of the Bible belt I'd be prepared to do just what the OP did.

Being sick to my stomach over Dr. Tiller's assassination I'd be pissed off enough to do just what the OP did.

Any time the Bible Thumpers come to my door and I have a little time to spare I always invite them in for tea. And then excitedly proselytize the shit out of them for Unitarian Universalism. I have a stack of brochures and cards prepared in my parlor. I don't let them get a word in edge wise. I've had at least five pairs of little old fundie ladies and two young mormon men sputtering and fleeing out my door over the last six years. Oh, only one per year? I should work on that.

[Swagman]

70. I love it ! But did they understand ?

[Mira]

72. K&R there is no second guessing needed. You threw seeds under the snow.

some will sprout. And that is all that is needed.
Thanks for doing the exact right thing in the exact right way. It matters not how it was received.

[dflprincess]

74. You ought to go over to the forums at Catholic.com and post your prayer there

(I go over there now and again to remind myself why I lapsed). You would probably make heads explode.

[cboy4]

75. I never get any bible thumpers knocking on my door.

They must know better.

Well done! :thumbsup:

[Rockholm]

76. OMFG..They came to MY house today too!

I was in the yard, actually, the woods in my front yard when this inbred, pale and oddly dressed couple started walking up my driveway. I was in a wooded part of my property, just off the driveway. They scared the crap out of me. There she was clutching her Bible. I asked "Can I help you?" He asked if they could talk to me about what the Bible says relating to an important topic happening in the current time (or something to that effect). Well, I told them absolutely not and asked if they leave my property.
I naturally thought, this being Massachusetts, that they were going to rail against equal marriage. I started kickingmyself as I would have liked to have had some fun with them. I'm gay and married.
Anyway, they went next door to talk with the neighbors. One of them was outside and was cornered. After they left, I went next door to see what they wanted. They wanted to know if he knew what the Bible said about abortion. My neighbor asked them "Which Bible?" The Jewish Bible, The Koran, the Hindu Bible, the whatever other religion Bible. They got flustered and left.
Anyway, guess they were out in force today.

[ohheckyeah]

77. I would really like to hear what they say

the Bible has to say about abortion.

I've read it through a number of times and frankly I don't think the Bible has much of anything to say about it.

[Pacifist Patriot]

101. I have the number of times abortion is mentioned in the Bible right here.

O

However there are a number of times the Israelites receive divine command to slay infants and non-virginal women in warfare. Must be the Pentagon's justification for "shock and awe." Oh and let's not forget God setting a bear upon 42 children just for teasing a prophet.

One Mosaic law about miscarriage contradicts the assertion the bible is antiabortion, clearly stating that miscarriage does not involve the death of a human being. If a woman has a miscarriage as the result of a fight, the man who caused it is fined. If the woman dies, the guilty party must be killed:

If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely (i.e. miscarriage) but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows. But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise. (Exodus 21:22-25)

So the bible orders the death penalty for murder of a human being, but not for the expulsion of a fetus.

Jesus does fare a little better on the family friendly front. He only says,

For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' Luke 23:29

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

The Bible is generally horrific in its treatment of women, save a few exceptions. So in that sense it is a great library of documents for the anti-choice/forced birth crowd.

Actually, it's a fascinating group of texts when seen through the lens of sociology and evolutionary psychology. The ancient Israelites act exactly as one would expect as our ancestors moved from the hunter-forager bands of our ancestral environment into the developing empires of pastoral-agriculturalists.

How people can use this bunch of ancient texts literally in the 21st century is beyond me. It's got some intriguing nuggets of wisdom, but there is a lot of chaff to yank off the wheat.

[Triana]

79. Very well done! And, I love your DU username....

...always have found it amusing!

This is most poignant:

"I don’t even know if there is a God. After yesterday, he probably resigned and left."

You know, if there is a God - I wouldn't blame him if he did just that.

[rosesaylavee]

82. I love you.

Thank you for sharing this moment. I think this is what is called 'a teachable moment'. Those women will never forget it and you will have no idea how many lives you touched today thru them and those here reading this thread.

If there is a god, she is smiling on you, her lovely child, right now.

[demigoddess]

83. turnabout is fair play

:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

[amb123]

84. New Talibaptist Lyrics to an old hymn

"Jesus loves me, this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Kill the abortionists, liberals and fags!
Stuff them all in body bags!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus hates you!
The Lord wants me to kill you!
The Bible tells me so!"


THIS is the mentality we're up against.

:rant: :mad: :puke:

[ooglymoogly]

86. Ah don't kir if't rains or freezes; long as ah got mah plastic

Jesus radin own the dashboard of mah car. Whoopee let kill someone.

[ooglymoogly]

85. These deranged folks come by my door about once a month

I give them a stock reply....Are you for fkn real, take your hate peddling bullshit to someone who is stupid enough to swallow it and git the hell of mah propty or I'll let mah dog loose on you. In the back ground my sweetheart terrier is having a puffed up snarling, hysterical barking conniption for which she gets a favorite dogie bone.

[WillYourVoteBCounted]

87. recommending because you taught me a new word: "Talibaptists"

I used to be a member of a Talibaptists church.
That was BB.
Before Bush.

[lisa58]

88. you did good....keep doing iit!!!!

[Mopar151]

89. I tell 'em about (Reverend) Sam Kinison

If y'all don't know, Sam Kinison, the late "shock" comedian, was a Pentecostal minister before he began screaming and raging truth and some gawdawful dirty laughs from the stage.
I heard him interviewed one night on a call -in show (Rockline?). Some brave soul called in a question about faith! But he said something quiet and profound, I'll always keep with me: "I think everyone should have a personal relationship with God. But you should NEVER let anyone else define that relationship for you - it's yours."

This little story gets 1-visit results, proven with Jehovahs, Mormons,Xtians, and Amway distributors!

Bless your heart, Sam, always with the truth "Rehab, my ass! If you have $31000, you ain't got a problem yet! Detox this..."

[canetoad]

92. Oh mate, can I borrow that approach?

It's fucking brilliant and I wish I had thought of it first.

Not the prayer, that's yours. Just the 'can I lead you in a moment of prayer....'. I may prepare a little offering for when the JWs or Mormons appear next. :rofl:

Edit: Rec #83

[Are_grits_groceries]

93. Please do.

After using it, I think it's very effective. They probably won't interrupt because it is a prayer. If you use the leadin "Our Father who art in heaven" that will throw them way off. They will think you are beginning the "Lord's Prayer" before you do a 180.

[Sigh Sister]

96. That was brilliant! n/t

[Locrian]

97. you're my new hero! n/t

[MagickMuffin]

102. Everytime you can give the "skank eye" to bible thumpers an Angel gets their Wings

O8) O8)O8)O8)O8) ........You EARNED yours tenfold.............. O8)O8)O8)O8)O8)

Way to GO.

[mdmc]

103. well played my friend

[Deep13]

104. Well, I bet they didn't expect that! nt

[Wizard777]

105. In my neighborhood we used to have a game called God Bless the Witnesses.

I guess it can be adapted to Baptists. This is how it's played. We had a phone chain that let everyone in the neighborhood know the game was on. When they knocked at your door you were kind and polite to them. You listened to their spiel. The first time they told you you were going to burn in hell for not joining their religion. You got to bless them with all the holy water you could get out of the hose until they hit the gate. Then your turn was over. They were off to the next house and it was someone Else's turn.

They tried calling the police once. But we prayed with the responding officer. Lord, forgive us our TRESPASSES as we forgive those who TRESPASS against us. That was all he needed to hear.

[ashling]

106. When will the YouTube be up?

I'd love to have seen that.

[piratefish08]

107. I always invite them in to sit and talk as I take off my shirt and rub my hairy belly.

They never stay. Ever.

[Bluzmann57]

109. Beautiful!

I bet they went slinking off with their proverbial tails between their legs. And only one thing can be said about that; hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Doctor.]

111. 'Talibaptists'? We get Jehovah's Witlessness out here...

They're fun and easy to play with, especially when they bring their children to witness their slack-jawed incomprehension.

[Festivito]

114. You could have done more with that than 8 years of posts here.

Why only fight when one can wake the hearts of those who would to be our friends.

Nice reach, not great - nice.

[Froward69]

115. spot on!

I was raised Seventh Day Adventist. I was taught to always learn about others to promote peace. upon my return to the church of my baptism. I was informed that republicanism was the political party I should belong to. (never mind it is directly opposed to Christianity) and learning about other religions was futile.
As they were misled by Satan and to impose Christianity was the only way.
this narrow minded approach was contradictory to promoting peace. in fact it leads to hate and violence. not to mention WAR.

it is sad that an entire church would give in to extremism.

I was proud that "back in the day" Seventh day Adventists ran single mother homes. that cared for and helped with children born out of wedlock. This was the reason my family became SDA to begin with. NOW the church denies and tries to bury this honorable past.

they come around every now and then and I try to pray with them just as you did. It is humorous as to how they wish to object to the prayer as it is occurring.

[Dangerously Amused]

117. Excellent. Thank you. K&R.

[madeline_con]

118. What a wonderful prayer. I hope it gives them something to reflect on.

It horrifies me to think how happy these freaks are.