How does one effectively deal with an admitted racist & bigot?

[Eurobabe]

So, we have a guest this weekend. A few comments were made that raised the hairs on the back of my neck over the course of 3 days, little hints here and there. This morning, though, the shit hit the fan.

This person is a 'dive buddy' of my husband's. He is financially well-off white male (wife is a big wig with Fortune 500 Co.) educated as chem engineer, holds a good job. Doesn't want for anything. Has spoiled rotten kids. Actually sat on my couch this morning and said Barack Obama won't get elected because he is a 'black Muslim.' (I effectively refuted that one). Then he proceeded to openly tell me that he was a racist, but an Independent with a big I. I could not look at him as he spewed his invective and shared his ignorant views about African Americans, Muslims, and Jews. His basis for the racism is the time he spent living in the South.

This went on for about 10 minutes, at which point I had enough. I shut my computer and said I am going upstairs, suggested they leave the house and go diving. I slammed the bedroom door and my DH knew I was pissed, he came up to apologize. I was still in shock about what his friend said, and was kind of annoyed that my DH didn't tell him to stop talking such bullshit. I was literally shaking in anger. Part of me wishes that I could have very calmly said, I do not condone racism and bigotry, please leave it at the front door. But what I was really thinking is, how can I look at this person in the same way now, knowing how ignorant he is? He is toxic. I don't even want to be around him anymore.

He isn't welcome in my home from this point forward. Thankfully he is leaving tomorrow.

Thanks for letting me vent, this has really upset me today. -48

[cgrindley]

1. Wow

ummm... politeness usually works with racists. Once he leaves, he never has to come back.

[adadem]

2. Just hang in there

one more day. It's not worth the upset to argue with these fools.
You have every right to refuse him further visits. If your dh does not agree tell him to make the guy stay at a hotel.

My mother-in-law is the same....even though my brother-in-law married a woman from Dominican Republic and have three sons. Behind their backs she calls them the N word.

I made it very clear she may not use that word in my home...period...or she will not be invited back. My husband backed me up.

[Solly Mack]

3. What a rotten way to to begin the day.

(((hugs)))

You were blindsided in your own home. A lot of things you are wishing you had said are almost impossible to get out when you are assaulted by hate in your own home.





People like that aren't welcome in my home either. I don't have to learn how to get along with any visitors to my home. It's my home - not theirs. No one has the right to disrupt your home that way. No one.

[MADem]

4. Heh heh....I always say revenge is a dish best served cold.

Introduce his kids to all of the hot looking multi-ethnic friends of your kids! With any luck he'll have an opportunity in the future to find the joy of love and understanding in the dusky faces of his grandchildren!

I empathize with your situation, though. There's few things worse than an asshole houseguest, and a racist asshole houseguest is just too much.

Guests are like fish, after three days they stink, eh? And that's the OK ones!!!

[Kolesar]

5. Time for some "They Might Be Giants"

This is where the party ends
I can't stand here wondering how you
Can stand by your racist friend
This is where the party ends
I can't stand here wondering how you
Can stand by your racist friend

It was the loveliest party
That I've ever attended
If anything got broken
I'm sure it could be mended
But my head can't stand this bobbin' and pretendin'
Tolerate some bullethead and the bullshit that he's sayin'

This is where the party ends
I can't stand here listening to your
Your racist friend
This is where the party ends
I'll just sit here wondering how you
Can stand by your racist friend

It was the loveliest party
That I've ever attended
If anything got broken
I'm sure it could be mended
My head can't stand this bobbin', sittin' and pretendin'
Tolerate some bullethead and the bullshit that he's sayin'

...slightly abridged...

"Your racist friend", from "Flood", 1990

[mntleo2]

6. You Should Be Proud Of Yourself!

...I know it is hard to make a stand but what you did is awesome! I am not so sure I could have the courage to do the same thing under the circumstances of having him as a "guest" and being stuck with the discomfort for days. Oh aren't we all SO civilized when we remain silent for the sake of peace? Yet as so many sages have said silence is complacency, and it takes guts to stand up for your beliefs. If more people like you had done this in WWII in Nazi Germany, perhaps we would have had a different outcome than losing 6 million people, which happened perhaps because so many people stayed "civilized" We are already operating concentration camps AGAIN with Muslims as we did in WWII with our fellow Americans of Japanese descent, again because so many of us stay silent ~ or worse agreed with the action.

One of the few arguments I had with my mother was over the internment of Japanese-Americans. I expressed my shock and anger not only of just learning of these camps as an adult, when it had happened within 100 miles of where I grew up, but that nobody had ever talked about it either. Nobody talked about this in any of my history classes and I was one generation removed from that time. I heard lots of family stories about rationing, blackouts, the GERMAN camps, but not one word about what happened to their own neighbors. Oh once, my German-Russian grandmother mentioned staying kind of out of the limelight because of her German heritage, but I did not understand all the whys of that until later after learning of the Japanese and Italian internment camps ~ did you know some Italian Americans were interned as well?

The most confusing part of it all is Mom was very accepting of all races (I dated and had friends of many ethnic backgrounds and she was very accepting, I married a Mexican-American and she loved and accepted 3 children we had) but she lived through WWII and tried to justify this internment based solely on ethnic backgrounds. She told me I did not understand how it was then. I realize now she was partially right: I THOUGHT I did not understand racism as a young person, but I think I understood racism for what it is and what it does far more than she did.

I am seeing now with what this nation is doing with internment of so many innocent people mostly of Arab and African descent and it is no different than what she described happening. Right after 9/11 I wore a head scarf in solidarity with my Muslim sisters, and THAT was quite an experience. I wish sometime American women would stand together and all of us wear them to show our solidarity with these wonderful women.

Thanks for your post. You have given me courage, and though I do not hear such stuff in my circle of friends and relatives, I am determined I would react the same way as you did and I am *not* going to shut up whenever I hear such racism in my house either ~ or anywhere else!

Cat In Seattle

[Eurobabe]

7. Thanks everybody...

:hug: I feel better now that he is out of the house. I have to endure a few more hours and he leaves early in the AM to fly to 'Murica. I was just blindsided by all this, I never knew that he was such a racist pig. My husband should tell him that he is part Congolese (this is true, we just found out in September) I wonder what his racist friend would say to THAT? Or to the fact that my stepfather is Jewish?

I am going to sabotage his Atkins diet this afternoon. :) He's not supposed to have sugar and yeast, but he's eating the dinner I have prepared -- oops, just forgot to mention the pork loin was cooked in beer and apple cider. That gives me a little satistfaction. :rofl:

[Clark2008]

8. I live in the South and he didn't live around me.

Not everyone in the South is ignorant, racist and sexist. In fact, most of us aren't - but many are still brainwashed by the lack of alternative media we have around here.

I just wanted you to know not to blame the South for something your racist houseguest said.

P.S. For some perspective, I'm a white female Southern Catholic who has a son by a previous marriage to a Muslim man from Jordan. I am now happily married to a Jewish man from South Africa and we're expecting. How's that for Southern multi-culturalism? :) Happy Easter! Try to calm down and don't let bigots get you down.

[Eurobabe]

9. No Clark2008 I am not in any way blaming the south

This guy was actually born and bred in Ohio. He just didn't like where he lived in the south, I think that had more to do with it than anything. He is definitely NOT a southerner. No worries there.

[Clark2008]

10. Good.

I just hate it when people say they think a certain way because of the Southerners they know.

I edited my post above to add how multi-cultural my Southern household is - it's a doozy!! :)

Hope you've calmed down and can proceed to have a wonderful holiday - even if you're not Christian. :hug:

[EST]

11. Heinlein said it best--

Remember them as they were then write them off!