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1. All government policy-making will be handed directly to giant corporations
2. All regulations which prevent giant corporations from poisoning, maiming, stealing, and polluting at will will be removed
3. No masturbation
4. All government revenues will be directly turned over to the wealthiest 1% of Americans
5. Just to be clear -- no whacking off or otherwise touching yourself
6. Each week, we will randomly select a country to bomb into oblivion, and will spend at least $1 Trillion for each "war" -- all costs will be kept off-budget, and the entire amount will go directly to the largest defense contractors without oversight
7. Public schools must teach that Jesus had a pet dinosaur
8. We are serious about that no masturbation thing. No masturbation -- ever. You will go to JAIL.
9. Corporations will receive tax breaks for shipping jobs overseas
10. Seriously, will you stop whacking off for 5 minutes, please? Are you even listening to me???
11. Social security and Medicare will be disbanded, to be replaced by 20% withholding which will be deposited directly into private derivatives-based accounts at the largest financial services firms, which are allowed to charge unlimited fees
12. Honestly, I swear, if you don't stop whacking off, I'm telling your mother.
13. GOP members of Congress are exempted from items 3, 5, 8, 10, and 12, if said conduct involves a congressional aide under the age of 18 and of the same sex.
Feel free to add to the list
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