the cruelty of the indifferent

[undergroundpanther]

I was recently hospitalized for trauma based issues . This time inside,it was on a unit specifically designed for my sorts of issues.During treatment there I opened things inside in therapy because it was safe to do so there.I went through emotional hell too. I could not keep up with the schedule of therapies,I never knew what time it was,and remembered no names and could not connect names to faces.I tried to but it was futile. I had lots of headaches,switching rapidly,depression,and my meds were changed there ,and I was at wit's end wanting to die. Then in the midst of my overwhelmed confusion suddenly the Insurance company,the bean counters and a few indifferent rich people who will NEVER talk to me or consider me as a real person,and the states attorney who grants licenses for insurance companies and what they must do(Scary to think one guy controls my health via letting companies who care nothing but for profits get in as hmo's under MA which is being overrun by the cruel and indifferent corporations.The company that forced me out was United Health care of Mid Atlantic/MA,They cut my stay in the hospital trauma disorders unit suddenly short. I was in no way prepared to go home to this lonely overwhelming hell and getting prepared to suddenly go myself seemed almost impossible.I was scared shitless.


I was told I was leaving on a Friday.I had two days before I was supposed to get discharged. Now realize I do not drive, in a world built for cars while public transport languished years ago because of the robber barons long ago. ..There is NO public transportation connections from my county of shit, to the county the hospital was in.Luckily my sister was in the area.She is frantic never stopping to breathe because of how busy she makes herself,a workaholic to the core.She was hurrying me up as I signed papers I rapidly said goodbye to peers whom I bared parts of myself to.We rush to get in the car,and the staff didn't give me medications I need they were left in a bag in the nursing station.We went back to get them.My sister was frustrated,and when I came back it was too late for her to pick up my niece,she had to get top work,even tho a bus was available it made her late and because I had to get my meds back,my sister tells me my niece will lose her job.I felt horrible like it was my fault.I just wanted to die after hearing that.I tried to tell myself it was staff's fault, or my sisters fault because she overextends herself to insane proportions or my nieces boss for being such an unreasonable arrogant asshole..But It's a nasty thing to hear when you feel like a problem in a human suit,wanting to die.

Harford County Maryland is a horrible place to live when you are poor and car-less,real estate developers run the show here,and the state turned bloodthirsty red,so no funds were there for public transportation and the social safety net here is nearly gone. Section 8 has been closed to applications in Harford county for YEARS.
Which brings me to another injustice. In 2005 I applied for section 8 in Baltimore Co.
A few days ago in the hospital I find out the rules have changed regarding section 8 application portability, Because I don't live or work in Balto.County .My application I put in almost 6 years ago is now void,I found out there is a 6 YEAR wait list,and I had maybe at most 6 months to wait left.It was like an arrow in my heart to find out that long,long wait was worthless.it was a person working for the dept. of social services itself who filed that application too.If I was able to get section 8 in my county my choices would be limited to Harford co..There are no places to rent section 8 here.This county likes to pretend no poor people exist here,no homeless or mentally suffering people that are never safe to live around. if I had section 8 in Harford County My option would be in ONE area of a neighborhood so bad it has ranked one of the most unsafe places to live. I hate being around fucking assholes drunks and addicts.Anyway Harford County's section 8 list is shut down for who knows how long.

The so called BRACK funds everyone thought would bring decent public transportation here did NOTHING to help the poor get around here or make our lives better,no it was wasted on making rich geniuses with no consciences feel comfy and wasted on car related crap...and it probably lined some well fed pockets too of course.
here are millions being blown here making accommodations for cars,more road remodeling, fucking roads,houses that don't sell,for a town too small for so many people.This town grows in a very stupid way,attracting well off families,in big honking SUV's that you cannot see past in a parking lot. It has no places to gather without alcohol except starbux.During the day the place is dead,after five is when people go there and the bus here shuts down at 5pm.God forbid poor people here have access to talk to other people.

I grew up here when this county was a violent,bystanding old boy network of bullies in hick-ville,there were no ticky tacky houses covering miles making life here so monotonous and full of roadkill.I grew up here,was tortured for many years of my life,here so there are triggers everywhere. I am trapped,Today like back then for similar yet different ways I am overwhelmed and isolated.It is slowly emotionally killing me inside.So over this last weekend,when it's less likely to get a hold of anyone, I frantically called everyone I knew who had a car,(a very SHORT list),and tried to find a ride.

Last Friday,
The Hospital all of a sudden declared me fit for discharge ,but I was not,I was still having severe symptoms.Monday came,no callbacks regarding a way home,I waited and as I was drawing to try to deal with it.The intercom went off,I screamed and my pencil flew,the intercom went off again and I startled again(one of the problems of having traumatic psychiatric injuries.)After being startled like hell again waiting for call backs Sunday afternoon, I had my first panic Attack,Never had them before.This was so bad, so painful even the staff thought I was having a heart attack,I didn't want to think that but the pain in the chest had me screaming,it was radiating to my arm,to my head,neck,jaw ,the nausea waves,the headache and difficulty breathing was pretty convincing to me,but I was scared to think it was a heart issue.Anyway after awhile of this I was on an ambulance admitted to the ER,And the cardiac unit while tests were done,well,the good news was my heart is in perfect condition. I came back to the psych hospital after that,so it WAS a panic attack. The intercom ,the staff doing rounds,sometimes even if it was quiet someone coming over to ask me something would make me jump out of my skin. That startle thing has not stopped.nor has the panic.I got home hugged my kitties pet my snake,and started to unpack,a huge welling up of sadness hit me and I cried for a very long time.My insomnia is as bad as ever.
My body aches &my back is fucked up badly with neuropathy,I have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia,so the miles I walk to get anywhere,and carrying 40 pounds of groceries home are fast ending for me. I dunno what to do,mom says move in with seniors,find a group home,what she fails to realize is I would get kicked out of senior housing in this conservative hell,my lifestyle,looks,and differences,and gender issues,and ptsd/DID symptoms which are not always quiet or subdued for senior conservatives tastes or senior housing expectations.Some elderly are sheep so ignorant and so easily scared...Many places in the community to help people with problems like mine have been shut down.This town is ignorant and scared of mentally suffering people and anyone else not like themselves.


I dunno what to do about my situation anymore I can't stay here,Mom is ambivalent about selling this house, I am overwhelmed and feeling like death might actually be the best option for me.I don't see a way out anymore.I don't think I will ever get better anymore,I have tried hard but with the psych system corrupted and rampant with narcissists and authoritarians it has been made harder. I feel I'll never have a life worth enduring more of this.I have busted my ass trying to recover from what OTHER PEOPLE CHOSE to do to me, it is not fun.add in the issues of transport,distance and small town shit helping ensure my misery.When what life you have is overwhelming with responsibilities,I can't keep up, so lonely,isolated,impossible to manage,painful,devoid of meaning or joy.Why should I endure more days, waiting just to die,what is worth a life alone and torn into a billion pieces,triggered,heartbroken? My hope is gone it left long ago,and I can't believe in anything anymore,there is no gods,nothing anywhere like that that,it's just a cruel barbaric society,in a world made of life that gets born,eats/destroys others lives, life gets exploited by commerce created by rich parasite narcissists,sociopaths and assholes if human,and we get old weak,losing eyesight mind,strength,beauty then we all die.It is the tolerance of abuse and futility the indifference around me to the horrors I see that gets to me..Maybe if more people breed more humans on a world unable to sustain us,in an environment that we are killing along with a fiction called the corporation are destroying without any repercussions.While the poor are demonized as all lazy and should blame themselves for being poor,regardless of HOW and WHY they are poor.I am sick of this destructive ,selfish society.


I'm sick of impatient bully people with trucks that look like hillbilly armored vehicles revving their engines at me to maybe force me to walk faster at crosswalks while I walk across the road to Walgreen's for pain meds while the light is still red.Assholes in cars tossing bottles and other shit at me or other people walking then zooming away ,yelling shit out their windows.Seeing close up in technicolor all the carcasses of so many dead animals hit by cars who have less and less places to live as real estate developers go wild with this mindless greed driven growth sucking dry the remmnants of the housing markets,building more as more places as more places become and remain vacant.And this town sees all poor people as addicts parasites and thugs,while the re-thug bullies here,salivate for the day they can shoot some of those poor varmints messing up their utopian angry white guy delusion..Like this..

MAN **** THAT S*IT BLOOD IM TIRED OF THIS BULLS*IT WE OWN MEADOWWOOD AND THE STRIP JUST ASK ABOUT US SUWOOP FOR YALL WHO WANNA KNOW MY NAME IS BRANDON I GO BY B_SMOKE OR GUNSMOKE IM A PASADENA DENVER LANE BLOOD WE WONT BACK DOWN F*CK U LORETTA U OLD BITCH

i used to be a marine corps sniper and you would NOT own my street. what you punks don't realize is that there are a lot of us so-called "squares" that aren't on anyones radar that are organizing to take back our streets from punks like you. we aren't afraid of the law and we definitely aren't afraid of you. so just continue on doing what you're doing because OUR fun is coming to a theater near you.

Than this gem in response to those two above,

Real Gs and fake Gs alike, they all die just as easily as any other person. Heh I know people in Meadowood. Their guns are larger than their vehicles.Hell, give me any weapon, I'm set. I actualy know how to aim.What the problem is, is that they run their mouths before they even determine who's side we're on.
the police are gangs too. they do home invasions and if they find cash, they steal it. i don't trust the cops anymore than the street corner gangs.

It's enough to make your mind crack.

Meanwhile surrounded by idiots that talk trash like that, I'm overwhelmed with flaky slob roommates who think I'm a maid service,giving them free razors,toothpaste and washing detergent,as if that was included in rent.My budget is carefully balanced,to make bills and make it here.

These assholes never realize my rent is VERY low because,I'm not a greedy pig. But they take advantage.Sick of people who are nice,considerate before they room here than they get as charming as a bunch of monitor lizards after they move in here.. It happens like this,they seem to be a good person,capable and able to handle rent or take care of themselves and all than they get in and they are assholes.than I have to kick them out,and try to get another roommate asap.The stress of this is awful.It's torment for me because the people I offer to live here do not help,they're oblivious to the fact if the floors gotten a little dirty is because you smokers track dirt in all the time going out to smoke and never wiping your shoes off and because my body won't let me do everything to maintain this place all the time with 2 times more dirt you all add to what I made and it's impossible to clean up after two grown lazy adults who could pick up a mop too .Hell they'll never dirty their hands with a mop and a little compassion.I hate maintaining mom's house/cage.I can't afford to live here without roommates because SSI is not enough money to survive here even with NO rent!

No wonder desperate people out here do desperate things & talk back to the overabundance of assholes. We got thugs threatening jar heads and jar heads threatening thugs.. While the poor and mentally suffering are stuck between this shit,hated and exploited by both the thugs and the crazy wing nuts.. Daily, with this kind of mentality in politics and people here it gets to be just toxic. There is a palpable bigotry against the poor,access to help and a social safety net dwindles as it gets more and more to the right out here.More and more people here are being betrayed by the market and jobs game,they cannot do or cannot please a sadistic boss,they're abandoned,left out,and screwed over by the county and state because of the greed and hatred of the barbaric right wing people out here and the culture full of bullies in this country.

Today with my counselor signed a safety contract so I would not kill myself tonight,it's a 24 hour promise/pact. that is all I can promise her today...Yep I was so ready for discharge,Monday,I ended up leaving the day after a panic attack that sent me to the ER, it's scary. You can't make this shit up,it would be hilarious if it didn't hurt me so bad.