The holiday family follies have already begun

[Missy Vixen]

Mods, I'd appreciate your leaving this here; we all deal with our families at the holidays, and this year is especially challenging for many.

The family received the following e-mail from one of our cousins last night. The cousin in question had a baby this year. She doesn't acknowledge us or even attempt to be polite, but we must respond to her every life event with an appropriate gift. The cousin in question's parents are RW wackos to the tenth power who presided over a family drama that is still going on, and will no doubt be discussed at the holiday gathering.

Enjoy.

>Hi all,

I'm not sure if husband and baby and I will make it to Christmas Eve at the Grandma's skilled nursing facility after all. We're trying to sort out all of our family visiting over the holidays and are feeling tremendously over scheduled, yet again. So we're going to play it by ear and will stop by if we can.

I hope we can schedule something soon at Grandma's skilled nursing facility that isn't centered on a major holiday weekend - it will be much easier for us to attend that way!

Happy holidays if we don't see you,

Love,
identity redacted

Just throwing this one out here: When might we celebrate Christmas so it will fit into her schedule, and won't be a "major holiday weekend"?

[cali]

1. so what if she's not there. sounds like it'd be fine without her.

[Missy Vixen]

2. Did I mention she had a new baby this year?

The rest of the family will be upset. I thought it was hilarious.

Backstory: Grandma had a stroke in February that left her paralyzed and unable to speak. Her mother was the one who "preserves life at all costs", and forced the family and the medical personnel to take extreme measures to save Grandma's life. Her mother is angry that everyone else hasn't pitched in a sufficient amount, and Miss Thing is passive-aggressively lashing out.

Ahh, families. ;-)

[Sherman A1]

33. Agreed

If she is "over-scheduled" then it's her problem not yours. I would simply ignore the whole issue.

Life is far too short to worry about what others think or how they act.

Visit Grandma, talk to the folks with whom you choose, be cordial to the others and then go home or where you choose.

[Democrats_win]

3. Way to show love to Grandma. Ah, the true spirit of the holidays.

[Missy Vixen]

4. Well, she's busy.

I hope some other people will share some of their stories, too. After all, it's not the holidays unless there's lots and lots of drama, is there?

:woohoo:

:eyes:

[beam me up scottie]

5. OH MY DOG!!!1! How will you possibly get on without her?

You guys will just have to cancel the whole thing.

:rofl:

There's at least one in every family...

[Missy Vixen]

8. Why don't we just change the date of Christmas, anyway?

It's inconvenient for her.

Call the WAAAAAAmbulance!

:woohoo:

[beam me up scottie]

9. It's for the best, the visit should be about honoring Grandma.

And divas like your cousin always make it about themselves.

Ugh.

Kudos to you for taking it in stride, though. I have been skimping on ativans all month because I'll definitely need the extras on Friday and Saturday.

[Missy Vixen]

12. I hope it goes okay

I'll cross my fingers that your family celebration is peaceful, quiet and enjoyable.

You're right. This is about visiting with Grandma. Unfortunately, she's going to be completely wiped out by 18 people or so visiting at the same time, eating food she can't eat, and everyone trying to talk with her at once.

The diva's mother says it's "not fair" to have the holiday celebration anywhere else because Grandma "can't go". I wonder how fair it is to completely exhaust her in the name of a family event, but hey, I don't get to plan these things...

:eyes:

[beam me up scottie]

14. Thank you! And you make a very good point.

It would be much better for Grandma if each family came alone and spent time with her. And I think you're right, it does seem cruel to eat like that in front of someone with dietary restrictions.

The huge party will be followed by complete stillness and may just remind her of how alone she is the rest of the time.

This isn't a wonderful time of the year for everyone.

[Pathwalker]

6. Mine asked if they could come on our anniversary instead.

It's the day AFTER Xmas. I said no, because they all know my husband and I have spent that day only with each other for the last 31 years. So, now they're only coming for dinner and gift giving, then leaving. They weren't exactly prepared for my enthusiastic agreement with that proposal.

Aren't families "fun"? Sometimes. Other times, not so much. :hi:

We had other family members who kept insisting that we meet on another date, like your relatives - now we just don't bother celebrating the holidays with them at all. Of course, I was expected to prepare another holiday meal with all the fixings. That got old real quick.

[Missy Vixen]

7. I'm secretly hoping it will come to this

>now we just don't bother celebrating the holidays with them at all<

We were unable to attend the Thanksgiving celebration due to extreme weather conditions; they managed to get along without us. I'd rather meet for dessert and a nice visit with Grandma. She's going to be exhausted, it won't be fun for her, and there is no place at the skilled nursing facility to assemble a potluck dinner at all.

Happy Anniversary, and good for you for not backing down.

[Pathwalker]

13. Happy Holidays, Missy Vixen. You're right of course.

This should all be done with Grandma's consideration being first and foremost. I don't think the stress would be good for her.

Best of luck and I hope it all works out for you! :hi:

Thanks for the anniversary wishes!

[Obamanaut]

18. We have gatherings a couple times a year at the nursing home where

Miz O's mom lives (she's 95.)

Miz O sends emails to all her family several weeks in advance and tells them the date and time. On the day of the gathering, we make sure to invite any of the residents and staff who want to join in. Often there are more wheel chair and walker people than there are members of the family.

That's Miz O's family. None of mine gather because of similar dysfunctional issues mentioned in several of the other posts.

For your holiday this year, our house sends regards to your house - enjoy your day.

Edited to add, this nursing home has a really nice meeting room they let people use for this sort of thing, and when the weather permits, a really nice yard/garden area with numerous tables.

[Missy Vixen]

19. Obamanaut, you and your wife are so kind to include the other residents and staff members

I wonder how many of the residents go most of their lives without a visit with someone they love.

Happy Holidays, and I hope it comforts those who join your family's celebration.

[tularetom]

10. We canceled Thanksgiving at our house this year because of family crap

a. Daughter and daughter in law pissed off at each other.

b. Nephew pissed off because I wouldn't let him leave his loaded pistol laying around with kids present.

c. Nephew's son pissed off at other nephew (his uncle) because he allegedly dissed the Marines.

d. Granddaughter in the family way without benefit of clergy and seemingly in no hurry to wed the baby daddy.

Grandma and I are too old to spend days preparing for these get togethers just to have them spoiled by family bickering.

These nephews are a special pain in the ass. They're the sons of my late sister who was one of the sweetest gentlest human beings who ever lived. Their father was a douchebag but he wasn't part of their lives after they were toddlers. They both turned into intolerant right wing asshats strictly on their own. My wife fees we have acted as surrogate parents for these angry losers long enough and we've satisfied whatever debt we felt we owed my sister. I'm coming around to that point of view.

So at Christmas we'll dine at my daughter's house and endure all the embarrassing moments with the pregnant granddaughter (daughter is not handling the situation well even though the granddaughter is like 28). We'll have my son and his brood over for a quiet Christmas Eve dinner and a few toddies.

I'm telling you I could write a book. It's like "Mama's Family" but even less humorous.

[mentalsolstice]

11. Yep, my husband's very adult niece and nephews

They still make gift wish lists for us, and some of the items are quite expensive. Yet they don't call when they're in town...other than Christmas, because they want their gifts, duh! Nor do they call my husband or send him a card for his birthday. And since one of the nephews enlisted in the USMC, we're supposed to engage in all kinds of hero worship, cancel our trip plans (not gonna happen) in the event he may take an hour or so to see us, not guaranteed he will, during the seven or so days he'll be here. Then there's the 6 y.o. niece who lives 10 minutes away, whom we haven't seen in two years because her parents are not speaking to anyone in the family, yet a gift IS expected.

My own family is just as crazy...but they're two states away and my solution is to travel in the opposite direction for the holidays.

[revolution breeze]

21. Hubby's sister sends out a list in October

Letting us know what dear Eggbert wants for Christmas. We are then supposed to coordinate what we buy so there is no duplication. Excuse me but I have my own three kids to buy for,they will appreciate the fact that you took the time to think of them during the holidays, and Eggie is getting the same thing he got last year, A SAVINGS BOND IN HIS NAME so your stupid ass does not go out and waste it!

[IMATB]

15. We gave up the family holiday thing

years ago when my brother decided unless we attended midnight mass, we weren't good enough for their Christmas dinner.

Seriously, I don't miss it one bit. It's sad when you live in the same town with all of your family and the only time you hear from them is around Christmas. Yeah, it's about the gifts. I don't care for the fake niceness or the in your face extravagance. I'm sorry I couldn't give my mother an expensive etagere or a $900 vacuum. We lived on a budget, I couldn't do it.

I do enjoy our quiet dinner now and getting wined out. No stress, no mess, no hurt feelings. It took a move to another state to finally break the guilt they made me feel.

Now I'm free.

[Missy Vixen]

16. We're going to the movies on Christmas Day

I don't see my own family anymore for a variety of reasons. The first thirty years of my life, the holidays were one long fight over stuff that happened 30 years ago, that nobody could change.

:eyes:

I hope your holiday is peaceful, and enjoy the wine!

[IMATB]

17. Amen Sista !

Enjoy your holiday too.

[revolution breeze]

20. Sister-in-law is on her way

Irregardless of our tradition to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day (the 24th is my oldest daughter's 21st birthday, our tradition is to make sure the 24th is HER special day), her son (5) always opens all his presents of Christmas Eve so she and her hubby can sleep late on the 25th and he has new toys to amuse him. She is going to be pissed when I stick to my guns that it is our way or the motel.

[revolution breeze]

22. I forgot to mention the December 25th waterworks and moaning

Every Christmas Day, everyone starts reminiscing about how Grandpa was always laid off from GM in November and rehired in January, so Christmas was always lean when they were kids. Grandma would save pennies to make sure they always had her famous oyster dressing (you cannot use salt on oysters, it draws out all the liquid and makes them tough and onion overpower the flavor). And I get told and retold how my husband hates Christmas because it was such a hard time not having something new on Christmas Day. I guess after all this time, they still know him better than I do. I need bourbon already.

[Missy Vixen]

23. I hope your daughter's birthday is special for your entire family

I'm sorry to know that your sister-in-law is not more thoughtful about how special your daughter's birthday is for you.

>I need bourbon already.<

I understand why my mom, who really wasn't a drinker, liked her sloe gin fizz at the holidays.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a holiday after the holiday - you know, the time you get to hide in your house with whatever and whomever makes you happiest, and ignore the truly annoying?

:woohoo:

[revolution breeze]

25. Her birthday is going to be spectacular.

Massage in the morning (her friend is a massage therapy student who graduates next week), then coffee and shopping in the French Market, a day of playing tourist in New Orleans, her first legal drink at Pat O'Briens (did I mention we were being touristy?), then a late dinner at a lovely restaurant with family. If the rednecks don't want to come into New Orleans (it is really dangerous you know), they can eat cake when we come home.

[Missy Vixen]

27. If I lived closer, I'd invite myself along!

How fun!

I've been to New Orleans. I loved it. I hope to visit again.

Happy birthday to your daughter!
-MV

[JVS]

32. They should have converted to Russian Orthodoxy.

Then Christmas would have been on January 7th and they could celebrate dad's rehiring ;-)

[pipi_k]

24. Not sure if my brother will be alive on Christmas....

He's 40 years old...struggling with alcoholism. Has been in and out of the hospital at least 10 times in the past year. Three times he nearly died.

He's in the hospital again, since Sunday at 3 AM. First time he's been in the ICU. First time he's been on life support. His kidneys are failing. He has cirrhosis. He has a wife and two kids...son, 16...daughter, 12.

He told his wife some time ago that if it ever came down to his being hooked up to a machine...any machine...she should have them pull the plug.

Last night the doctors were trying to decide whether he could survive off of life support. Haven't heard anything yet.

What does a loved one do...pull the plug before Christmas? Let the person languish until after Christmas?

Will he survive this? I don't know.

Each hospital visit is worse than the last. IF he makes it through this, I don't see him lasting another six months unless he's on dialysis or something.

This is my family drama.

[boston bean]

29. .

:hug:

[calimary]

31. Shit! We went through something similar with my dad.

I reached the point where I didn't know what to pray for any longer - a miracle? Hah! He was so far gone by then. He didn't know it was Christmas OR New Year's Day for that matter. And New Year's Day was his birthday, too. It was also the big Millennium year and he didn't know there was a big world-wide party or nights full of fireworks and parades and stuff. He didn't know anything. What do you pray for? Recovery? Not a chance. Keep him alive? As what? All I could come up with was to pray for safe passage, whatever that might be.

MAN I sympathize. You're suspended between Heaven and Earth. Just awful during the holidays. My dad died on January 4th so it was both Christmas AND New Year's and the Eves of both. And every day up til then was just another trip to the hospital. I'm so sorry. I hate to hear about somebody else going through that. It's just no fun and really a great big scary void. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know. We all knew it was coming. And he'd had a long and very amazing life and a chance to roar like a tiger on many many occasions. And he hated the artificial life support. It made all of us and some friends as well go see lawyers and Legal Zoom about living wills and other such stuff. I sympathize so much! It feels like yesterday and every holiday season I find myself thinking back to that time. What. A. Weird. Bad. Grim. Time. And at Christmas. Gee. Doesn't feel like Christmas.

And you think about - what would he want, what does he want, what do you want, what is ethical and what, even if legal, is something you might be in trouble for when you're actually standing before St. Peter yourself someday, and all kinds of shit. You just find yourself thinking about all kinds of strange disquieting and exceedingly NON-holiday-type things. And you think about that, too - how it's all such a purgatorial place to be. And you're in it, up to your scalp.

You'll get through it mainly because you simply have to. You don't have a choice. It's inevitable. The world turns. Time passes and days fade to night and nights fade to the next day and the world keeps turning and it's just inevitable you'll get through it. 'Cause nothing will stop the world turning. And nothing will thus stop time from passing. And sometimes it means you put yourself on auto pilot, and do what needs to be done without thinking about it or participating in it actively. I was on numb for almost the whole time. Just felt like a machine. The kids were young so they needed tending all the time so that kept my mind from dwelling on what could easily be just bleakness. And you focus on the little stuff, the stupid ordinary mundane stuff, the routine stuff, and you keep from going mad that way.

I just so sympathize! I so sympathize. Shit. I know what that's like - only just it's different physical ailments and deteriorations. I just so sympathize. I guess I'm just trying to tell you that it's a shitty time to have to go through but you're not alone!!! There are others who know intimately what it's like to go through that and we're walking alongside you. I wish there were more that could be done, but shit, there just isn't. You just have to get through it one day after one night after one day. And you will get through it.

And you can ALWAYS vent here. Don't forget that. You can always post here and you will find support and sympathy and empathy and all those good things that will help buoy you up. When my mom finally made the jump to lightspeed six years after my dad did, I posted that here and was OVERWHELMED by the love and support and concern. OVERWHELMED. Beyond anything I'd imagined.

This is a good place to be. And no matter what time it is, somebody's always up.

:grouphug:

[Kat45]

26. I no longer have any family and usually feel badly about it,

especially during the holidays. But when I read some of these stories, I don't feel as bad.

[boston bean]

28. REJOICE! Take what you can while you can!

[Skittles]

30. ?

why do you have to "respond to her every life event with an appropriate gift"? Who exactly makes you do that?

[blueamy66]

34. Unbelievable.

Absolutley unbelievable.

[Lyric]

35. God, I know how you feel. Here's my current family drama:

Note: understand that my family is the kind of dirt-poor-ignorant that you see in Feed the Children commercials.

1. My brother and his family can't afford to come up from Virginia for Christmas this year, and will be making a trip up after they get their EITC refunds back instead. I feel incredibly guilty, because on one hand, I'm heartbroken that we won't be able to see him and the kids. We only get to see them once a year, after all. But on the other...that also means we can put off buying presents for my nieces and nephew until *we* get our income tax refund back. At the moment, we're wondering if we'll be able to afford butter and milk for the next two weeks. Things are really *that* tight.

2. My sister and I (plus our respective four kids and two partners) will be here at my house for Christmas. My Mom lives in the same town with us, and constantly complains that she doesn't get to see her grandchildren often enough (the reason for this is because she's married to a sociopath, which you'll hear more about shortly). Sociopath's father always insists that they eat Christmas dinner with him and his girlfriend. Normally this is not a problem, as we eat late in the evening and they eat in the afternoon, so Mom can go there, take a few token bites of his girlfriend's terrible cooking, and then come eat with her own kids and grandkids. Well, yesterday she called me to tell me that Sociopath's Dad has rescheduled their dinner--this time they'll be eating later. So not only will she not be celebrating Christmas with her own children and grandchildren...she won't be stopping by at ALL. Not even for a few minutes to see the kids. Instead, she will be spending her entire holiday with Sociopath, his Dad, and his Dad's obnoxious, snotty, the-only-person-on-earth-who-can-make-a-canned-ham-worse girlfriend. I didn't give her the reaction she wanted, though. I told her that I hoped she had a nice time, and dropped the subject.

Apparently my lack of a dramatic reaction made her pissy, because she then started poking at me..."Why doesn't LyricKid ever want to come stay with me anymore? Why doesn't he like it at my house? I think you've been telling him lies about Sociopath. I know you kids have never liked him. Blah blah blah." I told her that she wouldn't like the answer, but she kept on and kept on, so I finally told her the truth--"Your husband is a sick freak who really HURTS the kids while pretending to 'play fight' with them, and if they dare to speak up about it or cry from the pain, he mocks them and calls them little 'pussies'. He shoots stray cats right in front of them and holds up the mangled bodies so the kids have to see every detail of the gore. He drives like a maniac, and if the kids are playing outside when he pulls in, he revs the engine and drives right up into the yard in order to scare them into thinking he's going to hit them. And when the kids tried to tell you, what did you do? You made excuses for him..."Oh, he was just playing. You're too sensitive. Don't take him seriously." WTF?! He's a sociopathic monster, LITERALLY. LyricKid will NEVER come to your house so long as that man lives there, and neither will any of the rest of your grandkids. I tolerate him here on holidays in order to have you, but I guess this year we get a reprieve. Don't blame me if I'm not sobbing into my pillow at the prospect of a holiday WITHOUT Sociopath around to spout racist, ignorant bullshit in front of my kids and friends and generally make everyone around him feel disgusted, miserable, and threatened. Merry fucking Christmas."

She hung up on me and hasn't called back since. I really did NOT want to tell her that stuff. She's terminally ill, and since the kids are now permanently safe from Sociopath, there didn't seem to be much point in forcing a confrontation about it. But she wouldn't let it go. And I was hurting. I will never, ever understand why she's chosen that monster over her own family. It was bad enough when Sociopath was still at least partially functional, but he's so mentally ill now that he can't do ANYTHING anymore--he doesn't bathe, doesn't clean the house, doesn't have a job. His own psychiatrist says that he's too dangerous around people to be able to work ever again, and yet Mom wants to bitch at me for refusing to send innocent kids out there into his viper's den. Jesus Effing Christmas.

*sigh* Happy Holidays, right? Oh well. At least Leftyclimber and Mrleftyclimber, who are spending Christmas with us too, will not have to be subjected to yet another holiday edition of Sociopath's racist, tasteless "jokes".