The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 20)
May 28, 2001 — Finger Pointing Edition

Pardon us for getting a little excited, but WOOHOO! George W. Bush (1) has done some truly excellent bipartisan work this week, flinging control of the Senate back to the Dems. Speaking of flinging, Colin Powell (2) has been flinging money at Afghanistan, and Dick Cheney (3) held a nice little fundraising fling at his pad. Meanwhile Rush Limbaugh (5) has been sweating himself senseless, Chris Matthews (7) blows a gasket, and David Jaye (9) gets the boot.

1. George W. Bush
So how do ya feel now, George? Ha ha! In your face! Obviously annoyed that we snubbed him on last week's list, Dubya decided that he had to do something REALLY dumb to reclaim his spot this week. So how about throwing the Republican Senate majority down the pan? THAT'S pretty dumb! Yes, we've all heard about Jim Jeffords, the Republican Senator who last week became an Independent and handed control of the Senate to the Dems. So who was to blame? Well, the fingers have been pointing all over the place, but in our view there's only one man responsible for this - was it really the fact that Jeffords wasn't invited to the White House that caused him to switch? Or was it perhaps the fact that Herr Shrubmeister has steered the ship of government so far to starboard that the moderates are just naturally falling off the side? Or perhaps Bush decided that since he is the master of bipartisanship, he'd just be generous and hand the Senate over to the Democrats. Well thanks George! You truly are a uniter, not a divider. Just keep on uniting those moderates in our direction!

2. Colin Powell
The Taliban are possibly the world's most extremist government - they abuse their women, destroy their ancient monuments, provide a safe haven for terrorists, and last week they announced that Afghanistan's non-Muslims would be forced to wear markings denoting their religious-minority status (not unlike the Jews under Hitler). Apparently the Bush administration likes the Taliban's style. In a story quietly reported by the L.A. Times last week, Colin Powell announced that we (that is, you and I, the U.S. taxpayers) would be providing Afghanistan with a gift of $43 million dollars to help them fight their war against drugs. It looks like fanatics of a feather flock together. Of course, that money will definitely be used to replace those pesky poppy fields, and the Taliban will absolutely not be using it to buy Stingers, AK-47s, plastic explosives (handy for blowing up monuments and embassies) or in fact giving any of it to Osama Bin Laden. No sir.

3. Dick Cheney
In a desperate attempt to restore honor and integrity to the White House, the Vice President has decided that there will be absolutely NO fundraisers at the Vice President's mansion. Hell no. No fundraisers. But how about thank you parties for people who've previously made contributions to Bush/Cheney? Ain't nothing wrong with that! This is how it works. You give Bush/Cheney $100,000 or more. Then, from out of the blue, you get an invite to supper with the vice-prez. Wow, that was unexpected! In fact, it was such a pleasant surprise that you might even give them more money next time, just on the off-chance that you get invited back. Not that you definitely will. Because there's no quid pro quo here. They're restoring honor and integrity, remember?

4. Trent Lott
Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott... wait a second, let me just say that again. Senate... Minority... Leader. God, that feels good. Anyway, Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott broke all previous hypocrisy records last week by defending Dick Cheney's use of the Vice President's house for the aforementioned non-fundraiser. Remember the whole Lincoln Bedroom fiasco? Remember the White House coffees? Remember the Buddhist temple? Well it seems that the only real problem that the Republicans had with those events was that fact that they were being held by Democrats. Because when Trent was asked what he thought about the veep's misuse of government property, he could only come up with, "I'm sure it's being done in an appropriate way, or Dick Cheney wouldn't do it." Of course he wouldn't do it. He's a Republican. They're restoring honor and integrity to the White House, remember? AAAARGH. Oh wait, hang on for a moment. Senate... Minority... Leader... Senate... Minority... Leader. Ohhhh, baby. Ain't nothin' sweeter than revenge.

5. Rush Limbaugh
With all the table-thumping he's been doing, Rush must have sweated his way down to about 350 pounds by now. But all that working out has caused the normally predictable Limbaugh to start acting in a most unusual way. For example, last week Mount Rush'mo was actually heard suggesting that George W. Bush may be an illegitimate president! Don't believe us? Rush announced that since the liberals keep suggesting that national election results were overturned by the Supreme Court, by the same argument national election results were overturned by Jim Jeffords. The majority voted for a Republican Senate, see? Despite the obviously massive flaws in this argument, Mr. Logic seems to have backed himself into a bit of a corner: according to him, either Dubya and the Senate are BOTH illegitimate, or NEITHER of them are. So which is it, fatboy? Our suggestion: You lost! Get over it!

6. The New York Post
We were under the assumption that, like Fox News, the New York Post at least pretended (although not very well) to be impartial. That theory was blown out of the water last week when the Post decided to put Jim Jeffords on their front page - dressed in colonial garb, with the screaming headline "BENEDICT JEFFORDS!" Our suggestion: You lost! Get over it!

7. Chris Matthews
Mr. Shouty had some serious shouting to do last week when Jim Jeffords dumped the Republican party. "When Phil Gramm felt he was being pushed around by the Democrats and quit the party, he quit the Congress, went home to the people of Texas that elected him and gave them the decision if they wanted to reelect him as a Republican," spluttered the blonde bombaster. "He decently gave it back to the voters. This character [Jeffords] says I'm just going to change party label. All you Republicans that voted for me tough stuff. I'm now going to be the independent Democrat voting senator from Vermont and you're fools to have voted for me." Convenient that Chris Matthews decided to use an 18 year old example of party-switching and not mention the more recent Democratic defectors Richard Shelby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell, who went Republican in 1995 without giving up their seats. Guess it's easier to sweep some things under the carpet than to shout them from the rooftops. Hardball, my ass!

8. George Pataki
Well, well, well. When George Pataki ran against Mario Cuomo for New York Governor, he blasted Cuomo for using public money to swan around the state in a private jet. But what's this? It would appear that Governor Pataki took 34 flights between March 1999 and November 2000, to the tune of $136,636. Not only that, but Pataki decided that rather than use state aircraft he would take luxury charter jets, and managed to get a temporary waiver so that he could spend more than the state-allowed limit on these flights. We think that Mario's son Andrew said it best last week: "Maybe we've become accustomed to people who run for office, saying one thing and doing another. But with Pataki, hypocrisy has reached unparalleled heights." Get it?!

9. David Jaye
For the first time in its history, the Michigan State Senate expelled one of its members last week. David Jaye, staff-abuser and wife-beater (see Idiots Week 14), was forced out of the Senate on a 33-2 vote. Jaye insisted that he was being railroaded for his political views. "I've upset the political bosses and the special interests,'' he claimed. However, his tendency to occasionally drive drunk and punch women may have had something to do with it. At a hearing to determine the fate of Jaye, one of his constituents suggested that "Jaye should be expelled; but if he truly believes in saving the taxpayers’ money, he should resign." Of course, Jaye obviously didn't believe in saving taxpayers money - they had to give him the boot.

10. Doug Dean
And finally, it seems that the "Jaye Method" is becoming popular among conservative leaders all across the country. Doug Dean, the Colorado House Speaker got into some hot water after breaking into his ex-girlfriend's house with a screwdriver. Last week police released 911 tapes which feature the ex-girlfriend, Gloria Sanak, shouting at the dispatcher and gasping for breath. Dean claims that he went to the house to pick up some clothes Sanak left outside for him but discovered she had not included his cell phone charger. Obviously thinking to himself "WWJD" (What Would Jaye Do) he decided to bust out the screwdriver (that he just happened to have on his person) and commit un petit home invasion. And what does Bob Beauprez, state Republican chairman, have to say about all this breaking-and-entering nonsense? Laughably: "He made a mistake and says he made a mistake. Does it rise to the occasion of being unfit to serve? No." See you next week!