The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 21)
June 4, 2001 — The Smackdown Edition

Tough talk all round this week, as Ari Fleischer (1) goes into overdrive. Hoo-ah! In a desperate attempt to keep his job, Trent Lott (2) tosses blame everywhere, and the Republican National Committee (3) turn up the hypocrisy. Meanwhile Roger Ailes (8) blows a gasket, and in the blink of an eye, David Jaye (9) goes from State Senator to layabout bum.

1. Ari Fleischer
Ari "The Hatchet" Flesicher came out swinging last week when the media decided to pick up the Jenna Bush/Fake ID story and run a marathon with it. Visibly peeved, The Hatchet held a White House press briefing and issued a not-so-veiled threat to the assembled journalists: "I would urge all of you to very carefully think through how much you want to pursue this." Uh-oh! Obviously sensing that he was on to something, Fleischer was back a few days later with another bucketful of bravado. After ex-Clinton staffers demanded an apology for the slanderous White House trashing story that the Bush team allowed to fester, The Hatchet proclaimed, "No apology is merited. They are well-advised to leave it alone." Ouch! That Ari sure is one tough bastard. It was noted that the press corp were definitely shaking in their boots; whether from fear or mirth is not entirely clear at this point. Breaking news: We hear that Vince McMahon is considering taking on The Hatchet as his new WWF superstar - look out for that Triple-H/Rock/Mankind/Fleischer Smackdown coming soon to a second-rate arena near you!

2. Trent Lott
The Mississippi Hair Helmet was in full-on crybaby mode last week, blaming everybody but himself for Jim Jefford's courageous decision to dump the GOP. Trent called Jeffords' switch a "coup of one" that "trumped the will of the American people." I guess Trent got a slightly different vibe from the last election than I did. As far as I can tell, the American people were split pretty much evenly between the two parties for House and Senate, and the majority of votes for president went to the Democratic candidate - not exactly an overwhelming mandate for the extreme conservative agenda that Lott, et. al have been trying to foist upon the American people. And, Trent, baby, if you really want to throw around the word "coup," I might point out that Jim Jeffords never kicked thousands of eligible minority voters off of the voter rolls, never encouraged overseas voters to send in their ballots after election day, never engaged in a systematic effort to keep legally-cast votes from being counted. Oh, and one more thing: You lost! Trent Loserman! HA HA! GET OVER IT!

3. The Republican National Committee
When it comes to hypocrisy, Republicans are truly the masters of the game. After Trent Lott's coments last week, you'd think that they'd be vehemently opposed to party-switchers, wouldn't you? I mean, that Jim Jeffords was a real swine, wasn't he? You might even go so far as to call him a traitor. Or accuse him of backstabbing the entire American electorate. So what was this that we discovered on the RNC's website last week? Why, it's a handy-dandy press release which gushingly celebrates all the Democrats who have switched to the Republican party since 1993. "Since President Bush was elected, 24 elected officials have left the Democrat party to become Republicans." bragged RNC Chairman Jim Gilmore. "In the past decade, hundreds of Democrats have become Republicans because they agree with us on the issues." But they're not traitors, oh no. They're patriots. They agree with the Republican party on the issues! And that makes it all okay, see. If you're at all confused by this amazing double standard... then you are capable of independent thought. Congratulations.

4. Arlen Specter
Last week the Pennsylvania Senator hit on a recurring theme for Republicans: If you can't get a majority, figure out some other way to keep the GOP in charge. Humiliated by his impending switch to minority status, Specter proposed a new Senate rule that would prevent an individual party switcher from shifting party control of the Senate. Essentially Specter's rule would overturn the ages-old idea that is fundamental to democratic government: majority rule. While we appreciate that the Repubs are a little miffed about being sent to the proverbial dog house called "minority status," we were nonetheless surprised to learn that they would try to do something this pathetic. Ahh, the sweet smell of desperation…

5. Paul Wolfowitz
Paul Wolfowitz is the Deputy Secretary of Defense, and last week it was announced that he would be receiving a great honor. Johns Hopkins University decided to give Mr. Wolfowitz the Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced International Studies Founders' Award, which recognizes those individuals who have made a singular contribution to the school or who have distinguished themselves in the international arena. Just a few hours after announcing the Wolfowitz award, Johns Hopkins revealed that its Applied Physics Laboratory will receive an indefinite contract with an estimated cumulative total of $100,000,000 for advanced research, development and engineering support for the Department of Defense. We're glad to see that you can still buy something with $100,000,000!

6. ABC
When Jim Jeffords announced his departure from the GOP, it was broadcast live on all the major networks - except one. ABC decided not to pre-empt "Live with Regis and Kelly" with the Senator's monumental proclamation, a source reportedly saying, "There was little surprise, or news." Um, okay. It's only the first time EVER that a defecting Senator has caused a power shift in the Senate. Still, we understand that ABC wouldn't want to upset the most important man in America. No, not George W. Bush... Regis Philbin.

7. John Dennis and Gerry Callahan
Dennis and Callahan were up to their usual jolly japes last week on WEEI, the Boston sports talk radio station. Having a good old poke at Jim Jeffords, they called him a turncoat, a liberal and, sarcastically, a "man of principle." Then, in their gentle comedy fashion, they directly compared him to Timothy McVeigh. Uh... why? Well, they're both real "men of priniciple." Get it? Har de har. Comparing a Senator's defection to the murder of 168 people, that's real laugh-a-minute material, ain't it? You may be interested to know that the person who reported this gagfest to us also started an email campaign which resulted in at least one of the station's sponsors pulling out - which just goes to show that we really can make a difference.

8. Roger Ailes
Temper, temper! The FOX chairman got a tad miffed last week when Media Whores Online urged their visitors to flood him with emails. Consequently, FOX received a mulititude of messages trashing their correspondents' orgasmic reporting of the slanderous White House vandalism non-story. One of the complainants obviously struck a nerve, because they received a personal reply from Roger Ailes himself. In a light-hearted attempt to put forth his side of the argument, Mr. Public Relations wrote: "You never even saw the report. You are simply a robot reacting to a 'hit advisory' from a left wing website. Get a life, a job or a television set before making incorrect and moronic criticism." Whoo! We insult, you decide!

9. David Jaye
The stench of conservative idiocy wafting around David Jaye just gets worse each week. The Michigan Republican, recently booted from the State Senate for beating his girlfriend (repeatedly) and driving drunk (repeatedly), had built a loyal following of white racists and militia members with his rants against minorities and welfare recipients. In this spirit of conservative personal responsibility, Jaye has always taken a hard line on the issue of government hand-outs. So, what was the first thing he did after getting fired from his $77,000-a-year Senate seat? He tried to go on the dole, of course! Too bad for him that senators can't collect unemployment benefits. According to the Associated Press, Jaye said, "They told me legislators are exempt from collecting unemployment, even though I've been paying taxes almost 30 years, whether it be as a paper boy or dishwasher for the Rams Horn or as a guy trying to make a living selling homes." Gee, Dave, your sob story is killin' me. What a harsh world we live in, where a convicted domestic abuser/drunk driver can't claim his piece of the government pie.

10. FreeRepublic.com
And finally, the Free Republic website has made it onto the list for the very first time, though not for want of trying, we can assure you. They finally crossed the line into pure, unadulterated idiocy last week after Jenna Bush was cited for the second time in five weeks. First the Freepers worked themselves into a tizzy trying to decide which was more important - a liberal plot to bring down Jenna or the fact that breaking the law doesn't really matter, as long as it's a stupid law. Then one kind soul decided that the best and most responsible course of action would be to post the name, address and phone number of Mia Lawrence, the Chuy's manager who called the police when Jenna tried to use fake ID to buy booze there last week. "Some might want to share with Mia Lawrence... some thoughts," suggested "Truth_Eagle." Despite the fact that Ms. Lawrence was presumably just trying to protect Chuy's liquor license (oh, wait, I forgot, she was personally planted at Chuy's by Bill Clinton himself for the purpose of destroying Jenna's glowing reputation) it's certainly interesting to see that some people are perfectly happy to advocate scare tactics and coercion through intimidation. Funny how they all seem to live at Free Republic. See you next week!