The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 29)
July 30, 2001
People Who Live In Ice Houses Edition

This week's number one, Governor Mike Huckabee, has truly reached new heights of idiocy. But to be fair, the rest of the pack is doing their best to keep up. Trent Lott (3) returns for a third straight week, giving him the much-coveted Idiot Hat-trick, and George W. Bush's super-succesful trip to Europe earns him the number four slot. Katherine Harris slips from the last week's top spot to the number five position this week, and John Ashcroft (6) and FOX News (7) make long-awaited comebacks. As always, don't forget the key. Enjoy!

Mike Huckabee
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Mike Huckabee, Governor of Arkansas, is not exactly well known for his smarts. Previous gaffes have included calling his own state a banana republic, and praising a website that joked about killing Bill Clinton. But a report in last week's Knoxville News-Sentinel has given Governor Mike a big push all the way to the top of this week's chart. The News-Sentinel revealed that Huckabee was recently tricked by a Canadian broadcaster into believing that Canada's Parliament building was actually made out of ice, and recorded a message of support to the Canadian people. "Hi, I'm Mike Huckabee of Arkansas," said the Governor without a hint of irony, "wanting to say, 'Congratulations, Canada, on preserving your national igloo.'" And before you start sending us e-mails suggesting that "surely nobody could be that pig-ignorant" - we didn't make this up.

Philip Giordano
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - While America continues to be violently bludgeoned about the face and neck with news of who Gary Condit was boinking, Republican child-molesters are quietly going to jail. Last week, according to the Hartford Courant, Mayor Philip Giordano of Waterbury, CT, was arrested by the FBI for "using an interstate facility to entice a minor to engage in sexual activity, and conspiracy to use an interstate facility to entice a minor to engage in sexual activity." Real nice. The good news is that Giordano is being held without bail and faces up to ten years in prison. But how about a side of idiocy to go with your plate of scumbag? The mayor announced last week that "he would not seek a fourth, two-year term." Um, no kidding.

Trent Lott
Last week: 3 Weeks on chart: 9 - Does this man have no shame? Let's set aside for a moment his amusing comments last week on how the media should start asking questions about Tom Daschle's hair - obviously he fails to spot the difference between Daschle's thick, powerful, full-bodied man-mane and his own flimsy, spray-on slaphead-protector - and turn quickly to more important matters. Here's the story: Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) wants the Department of Transportation to set up more stringent safety checks on Mexican trucks before the border is opened to them. This caused Trent to suffer an apoplexy, and contradictory to the much-beloved Republican mantra that it's the Democrats who are perpetrating race warfare, he appeared on a bunch of talk shows claiming that Democrats are "anti-Hispanic" and "anti-Mexican." Gee, that's going to go a long way towards "bipartisanship" and "changing the tone," ain't it? Those GOPers aren't anti-Hispanic though. They're perfectly happy to let Mexicans into America. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Mexican trucks into America.

George W. Bush
Last week: 6 Weeks on chart: 21 - Anyone who saw George W. Bush's meeting with the Pope last week would have pondered this question - was he literally scared stiff, or had he just shat his pants? Regardless, George suffered a public ear-bashing from His Holiness on the subjects of stem-cell research (which George may or may not be in favor of) and the death penalty (which George is not only in favor of, but has taken out for drinks, bought dinner for, and attempted to have sex with). Earlier in the week, Bush suffered the ignominy of massively unfavorable coverage in the British press after leaked information revealed that Tony Blair was forced to explain global warming to him v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. But no matter. At least George still has a soul-mate in Vladimir Putin. So let's recap... he was smacked down by the Pope, patronized by the British Prime Minister, and solidified his position as the ex-KGB chief's bitch. It all adds up to another successful European trip for George W. Bush!

Katherine Harris
Last week: 1 Weeks on chart: 7 - In a statement two weeks ago, Katherine Harris responded to the New York Times report which called her a great big lying cheat: "I administered Florida's election laws fairly, consistently and evenhandedly throughout the election controversy. The proof of this fact is in the New York Times article itself, which quotes both the Bush and Gore camps as having complained about the law I cited in my public statements." See that? The New York Times actually exonerated Katherine. Funny, then, that last week Harris accused the NYT of making a "libelous charge" by reporting that the GOP set up a "war room" in her office during the recount process. Libelous, eh? That's quite an accusation. Tell you what, Katherine - I've got a challenge for you. Put your money where your mouth is. Come on, get those libel lawyers fired up! I'm waiting... (but I'm not going to hold my breath).

John Ashcroft
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 7 - And so it comes to this. Last week, on the order of John Ashcroft, a Houston reporter was jailed - yes, jailed - for refusing to turn over notes and tape recordings, which would have identified her confidential sources, to federal prosecutors. And here's the ironic icing on the cake - the hearing was closed to the public at the government's request, the transcript was sealed, and the name of the judge who sentenced her for contempt of court has not been made public. Looks like the Bush administration has been getting some tips from their new pal, Vlad Putin. So do you think that this will shake the media out of it's coma? We can only hope. Although don't expect to hear much about this on FOX News - they're already working on their bid to become America's first state-run news service.

FOX News
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 3 - Speaking of FOX News, here's an interesting story from last week. Neil Cavuto did a piece on Abercrombie & Fitch's catalog (which features naked models) and brought in Robert Jones of the "Gay Inclusive Advertising Campaign" to talk about it. FOX News obviously knows that their audience hates having the "gay agenda shoved in their faces," and so decided to whip up a bit of a frenzy by showing, according to GLAAD, "a line of questioning from Cavuto that, combined with the sexual on-screen images from the A&F catalog, gave the segment a sense of lurid innuendo." Meanwhile Robert Jones made a bizzarely halfhearted attempt to suggest that Abercrombie & Fitch weren't using "positive gay imagery." Picture Billy-Bob crashed out on his sofa, hypnotized by FOX News: "Hey Lurleen, them gays are shoving their agenda in my face again! And lookee, they've even got a GAY who don't like it!" But here's the fascinating punchline: after GLAAD did a bit of investigating, they discovered that the "Gay Inclusive Advertising Campaign" doesn't exist. That's right - FOX News were reporting the views of a man from a fictional organization. So what's the story? Did they just fail to check the credibility of Robert Jones? Or did they just invent the organization for their own purposes? Either way, it's further proof that you can't believe anything FOX News tells you.

The Department of Defense
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Last week we all heard about how fabulously successful the anti-ballistic missile test was. See, we had no trouble shooting down that test nuke - what more proof do you need that the system is going to be an unmitigated success? The test was loudly trumpeted by the DOD as proof that the anti-ballistic missile system was on track. But days later it was quietly revealed that the test nuke carried a beacon which constantly relayed its position to the interceptor missile, making it just a teensy bit harder to miss. So lets hope that when those "rogue nations" start flinging ICBMs in our direction they have the good courtesy to let us know in advance the exact date and time of the launch, and make sure that they put a homing beacon inside so that we can shoot it down. Surely anything else would be unsportsmanlike.

Crittenden, Lideen, Olson, and O'Beirne
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Danielle Crittenden, Barbara Lideen, Barbara Olson, and Kate O'Beirne did their bit for the Bush administration's "Great Leap Backward" last week, appearing in an article in Britain's Daily Telegraph to bemoan the rotten state of feminism in America. These four rich, privileged Republicans had the gall to ask America to "take back the vote - we've used it unwisely. We'd like to give it back to our husbands." Ha ha. Susan B. Anthony must be writhing in her grave. The whoresome foursome went on to explain that Bush would have won by a landslide if women hadn't been allowed to vote (hmm, yes - and he would have won by a landslide if blacks or gays hadn't been allowed to vote too. Screw it - we should just not let Democrats vote and be done with it). Barbara Olson went on to explain why George W. Bush is so much better than Bill Clinton: "Look at Bill Clinton's mother, as opposed to George W's mother. Is your mother a barfly who gets used by men? Or is your mother a strong woman who demanded respect for her ideas and always received it?" Perhaps this could be more honestly rephrased as: "Look at Bill Clinton's mother, as opposed to George W's mother. Is your mother a poor single mother who had to work hard and fight for everything she ever had, and still managed to overcome that adversity to raise a son who became president of the United States of America? Or is your mother a privileged trophy-wife who married into a millionaire's family and raised a son who drank till he was 40, lived his entire life relying on his family name to get him out of trouble, and had the presidency bought for him by a bunch of his father's friends?"

Tina Rivera
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally, a story which was sent to us by an alert reader last week. Tina Rivera writes in an article on the site familynook.com, that "there are no ways for us to prevent our children from seeing lewd and sexual images as they walk down the street." Yes folks, she's talking about Victoria's Secret. "You can imagine how shocked and disheartened I was to see...huge posters of a naked woman, who only covered herself with her hands," writes Tina of a visit to the local mall. Apparently Tina had an unfortunate experience with a porno mag when she was younger, which has "been embedded in my brain for over twenty years," and causes her to gag at the site of the female body. But that's not the worst of it: "As my family and I walked past Victoria's Secret, my six-year-old caught sight of the life size posters in their windows. I was devastated when I saw the look on his face as he ogled the woman." Cheer up Tina, at least he's not gay! See you next week...