The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 31)
August 13 , 2001
 Is That An Elephant In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me? Edition

She's back. You know who. But let's not talk about her right now. Let's just shy away from that unpleasantness and focus on some of the other splendid conservatives who are here doing their utmost to further the cause this week. Why, there's Dan Burton (3), just getting ready to gallivant off around the globe courtesy of the American taxpayer! And look, there's that old joker Bill O'Reilly (4)! Always one for the comedy death threat. And would you believe it, there's our new friend Philip Giordano (7)! Hey Phil, how's it going? Still doing it to, er, I mean, for, the children? That's the spirit! And... no... surely that can't be Michael Bloomberg (8) again? Goodness, I haven't seen him since... ooh... about three weeks ago. Welcome to you all - oh, and don't forget the handy-dandy key. You never know when it might come in useful.


1Katherine Harrispartisanship partisanship partisanship election stealing election stealing excessive spin
Last week: 8 Weeks on chart: 9 - Y'all are probably sick to death of Katherine Harris getting on the list (this is her fourth consecutive week) but like a remote-controlled boomerang attached to a bungee cord, she just keeps coming back. This week's truckload of lies comes courtesy of a report on the deleted files recovered from computers which Harris's staff had used prior to election day. Here's the poop - Harris maintained that at no time were any partisan activites conducted in the Secretary of State's office - a claim which has now been proven to be complete horsefeathers. The recovered files showed that - surprise - political work on behalf of George W. Bush was indeed conducted in Harris's office throughout the year 2000. Even more damning, investigators found a statement which called recounted Palm Beach County votes "unlawful" - BEFORE SHE EVEN RECEIVED THEM. Nutso Harris popped on the GOP blinders and released a statement last week saying that the investigations "prove that despite the innuendo and misinformation reported in the media, no partisan political activity transpired in my office during the recount period." HUH??? The phony quotables didn't stop there though. According to the St. Petersburg Times a spokesman for Harris said, "Her policy is no apologies, no excuses, no regrets." Yeah, no kidding. More spectacular lies from Harris: "I will not engage in these partisan politics. I never have," (Tallahassee Democrat). Or how about: "I am the least partisan person I know," (Pensacola News Journal). Hey Katherine, you can quote me on this - your lying ass needs to resign, pronto.

2Merritt Island First Baptist Churchdumb
NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Look, it's a book! Quick, BURN IT! According to Florida Today, more than 1000 lunatics - er, people - turned up at Merritt Island First Baptist Church last Sunday to watch a horrifying, perception-shattering video. The video claimed that - shockingly - the Harry Potter book series could "catapult youth into a life of witchcraft." GASP!!! The true irony to this story, of course, is that in six years time all those cute ten-year olds who couldn't get enough of Harry Potter will be explaining to their death-metal buddies that they never heard of the goggle-eyed little bastard. Six years after that, they'll all be starting their careers as programmers or accountants. Six years after that, they'll all be moaning about their 401K's and why can't you get decent service in this restaurant and ooh I know can you believe that Sarah had twins and... hey - six six six! Spooky...

3Dan Burtonhypocrisy hypocrisy hypocrisy
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - Clinically obsessed Clinton-hater and one-time watermelon-detonator Rep. Dan Burton took a very important trip to Europe last week. He's over in Frankfurt investigating the German postal system - although whether the purpose is to compare it to the U.S. system or to find out whether Bill Clinton is sleeping with it is at this point unclear. Funnily enough, Burton travelled without any congressional aides, and had no formal agenda or briefing papers - highly unusual for an official "fact-finding" tour. Even more funnily enough, Burton's wife is in Frankfurt right now undergoing experimental cancer treatment. But of course, Dan Burton was absolutely not travelling abroad at taxpayer expense for the purposes of visiting his sick wife. Why, that would be totally unethical. Heck, if he was taking a government-paid trip, including per diems and Air Force transport, well that should probably be brought to the attention of the congressman in charge of the committee which investigates government waste. Oh, wait a minute. Dan Burton is the congressman in charge of the committee which investigates government waste. I see.

4Bill O'Reillydumb
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 5 - What a charmer. O'Reilly, on The Factor last week: "How can any human being not condemn Gary Condit? It's ridiculous. We should hang him from the Capitol Building right now." Yup, we provoke, you lynch.

5Michael Skupkincowardice
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - Last week Michael Skupkin took a leaf out of Arnold Schwarzenegger's book (How To Pretend To Run For Office And Then Chicken Out For Dummies), announcing that he was, indeed, NOT going to run for Senate after all. The sort-of-famous pig-murderer decided that he just couldn't take time off from his new career at the Michael Skupkin Ministries. More (hour of) power to him. The real question here though is: who cares? Let's face it, the only reason Captain Pork-Chops is pulling out of running for Senate is because he's afraid of being demolished by heavyweight Michigan Senator Carl Levin. Presumably second-rate celebrity bible-bashing will be a lot easier in the long run.

6The Pentagoncowardice
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - QUESTION: What do you get if China takes your airmen hostage? ANSWER: A bill for $34,000! Last week the Pentagon coughed up the aforementioned 34 big ones after China demanded "board and lodging" for the 11 U.S. servicemen who were captured last April. Fortunately the Pentagon took a tough line and, um, coughed up the dough. But that's not enough for China, who originally demanded $1 million for the privilege of stealing U.S. surveillance technology and returning the damaged spy plane in boxes. Now they want the full payment. You can expect the courageous Pentagon to laugh in the faces of the Chinese though, before looking them straight in the eye and asking THIS important question: cash or check?

7Philip Giordanosex just plain evil hypocrisy hypocrisy dumb arrested
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - Two weeks ago (see Idiots 29) we commented on how Philip Giordano, the Mayor of Waterbury, CT, was arrested on federal charges of child sex abuse. It turns out that Giordano had an "inappropriate relationship" with two girls, aged 9 and 10. That's the sick and disgusting part - now for the arch hypocrisy. Philip Giordano ran against Joe Lieberman for Senate last year, and it was reported last week that during the campaign, Giordano blasted Lieberman for failing to "protect children from pedophiles." Takes one to know one I guess. Mayor Pervert is currently languishing in a jail cell somewhere in Connecticut, although to add crass stupidity to depravity and hypocrisy, he is still refusing to resign. Gee, I hope his cell mates don't find out what he's in there for.

8Michael Bloombergdumb
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 5 - Yes, Blunderberg's back in spectacular fashion this week with the latest in a long line of campaign cock-ups (see Idiots 27, 28, and others). Turns out that Mickey B. made a boo-boo last week when it was revealed that his "Mike for Mayor" campaign T-shirts were manufactured in... Salvadoran sweatshops. Fortunately, Bloomberg managed to save the day with a timely statement declaring that "it was clearly a mistake." Ah...... ha.

9Karl Rovedumb greed
RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - So it seems that Karl Rove is having some serious memory problems these days. Last week, the New York Daily News reported that back in December 2000, Karl Rove signed his financial disclosure form (which was supposed to "list assets, positions held and other aspects of Rove's personal finances dating through at least last year,") but accidentally forgot to mention one important item - that he was still president of Karl Rove & Co., the twenty year old company which made him a multi-millionaire. Well, I suppose it's hard to keep track of these things really. You know we all do it. "Did I leave the front door unlocked?" or, "Ooh, I can't remember if I turned off the stove," or, "Where the hell did these enormous piles of money come from?" (By the way, is it just me or does "Karl Rove & Co." sound like a bad 70's TV variety show?) Anyway, according to ethics experts this is a "serious omission," which frankly, we'd get more worked up about if it wasn't becoming par for the course for our Karl.

10George W. Bushdumb dumb dumb photo-opping accident
Last week: 7 Weeks on chart: 23 - And finally, behold the second Bush family finger-mangling incident in as many months! In July (see Idiots 27), brother Jebbie felt the wrath of Poppy when George Bush Sr. crushed Jeb's middle finger between two boats. Ouch! Fortunately, George didn't require any assistance at all last week, smashing his own pinkie with a hammer while out gratuitously photo-opping with Habitat for Humanity. Despite a few tears, George was right as rain after a band aid and some "magic cream" were applied. Curiously, the injury didn't prevent George from announcing to the nation that he could fudge the stem cell issue just as well as anyone, thank you very much. Which leads us to speculate that his brain must be in one of his other fingers! See you next week...