The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 59)
March 18, 2002
AVOT Onslaught Edition

If you're looking for conservative idiots, we've got AVOT, er, I mean a lot. In fact, we've got the 10 most idiotic right here. William Bennett (1) is squelching free thought. The Bush Administration (2) is calling the Mugabe kettle black in Zimbabwe. Rich Lowry (3) dropped rhetorical bombs, while Republican Crybabies (4) watched Pickering crash and burn in the Senate Judiciary Committee. Meanwhile, Paula Jones (6) tried to Box on FOX, and the Florida DMV (7) thinks "ATHEIST" is a four-letter word, and Paul Harvey (10) spreads lies. (If you're wondering what the little icons mean, click here.)

William Bennett
Don't always think in lockstep with George W. Bush? Have an irritating tendency to sometimes disagree with Ari Fleischer? Occasionally want to ask a question about our tactics in the War on Terror? Well not for long, because Bill Bennett is here to solve all of your problems! Don't miss conservative crusader Bennett's new organization, Americans for Victory Over Terrorism (AVOT), guaranteed to wipe those irritating feelings of dissent clean away. Can you smell the patriotism? Americans for Victory Over Terrorism is striving to prevent that most un-American disease, "free thought," from infecting upstanding citizens while our glorious leader is fighting a WAR. They will soon be taking the good fight to "campuses, salons, oratorical societies, editorial pages and television," near you. Yes, Bill Bennett's Americans for Victory Over Terrorism is guaranteed to wash away all your questions, leaving you feeling comfortable, safe, and secure in the knowledge that George W. Bush is running the war just fine. Doesn't that feel good?

The Bush Administration
What's this? Colin Powell announced last week that the elections were marked by "numerous and profound irregularities," that the president may "claim victory but not democratic legitimacy," and that the outcome did not reflect the will of the people. But don't get too excited - he was talking about the recent elections in Zimbabwe, not the Coup of 2000. Yup, the needle has snapped off the hypocrisy meter once again. Regardless of the real outcome in Zimbabwe, the fact that the Bush administration has the chutzpah to complain about electoral irregularities shows them up for the double-talking, spinning, lying cheats they truly are. Oh, but then I guess you already knew that - unless you're one of those people who believes that it was Al Gore who was trying to steal the election, and Bush courageously stopped him, of course. That's okay, just don't forget to keep taking your medication!

Rich Lowry
Rich Lowry, editor of National Review Online, had Ann Coulter fired after she made her infamous "invade their countries" and "swarthy males" remarks following September 11 (see Idiots 37). But what's this? It seems that Mr. Lowry is a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to the subject of good ol' crusades. In replies to emails on his site last week, Lowry suggested that a good way to win the war on terror would be to nuke Mecca. Well, not exactly win the war on terror per se, but certainly shit those A-rabs up a bit. "Mecca seems extreme, of course, but then again few people would die and it would send a signal," he mused. Uh, sure. In his defense, Lowry claimed that he was merely employing "understated sarcasm." You know, like if I said for example, "Anyone who advocates the use of a first-strike nuclear strategy should be kicked firmly in the ass until he cries for his mommy. Seems extreme, but then it would send a signal." Get it? Understated sarcasm.

Republican Crybabies
What goes around comes around. The Republicans got a taste of things to come last week, as the nomination of right-wing extremist Charles W. Pickering to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals was deep-sixed in the Senate Judiciary Committee. The verdict: Republican Crybabies can dish it out, but they can't take it. Trent Lott called it a "slap at Mississippi." George W. Bush called it "unfortunate for democracy and unfortunate for America." Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa called it "guerilla tactics" by liberal interest groups to "hijack the Senate." We here at Democratic Underground call it sweet revenge. After watching Orrin "the hatchet-man" Hatch and his minions in the Senate sink President Clinton's judicial nominees for six years straight, I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And I'm going to come right out and say it: This jerk lost on ideology and ideology alone. Consider this a warning, Dubya… If you try to place a right-wing extremist on the U.S. Supreme Court, you're gonna have to get him through the U.S. Senate first.

Kenneth Fineberg and the 911 Fund
Who's getting compensated by the 911 fund if their loved one was killed in the September 11 tragedy? Practically everybody - including illegal immigrants and, yes, fetuses. But as a celebration of the great diversity of America in the 21st Century, the 911 fund has decided that gay people simply aren't as important as illegal immigrants and fetuses. Kenneth Fineberg, head of the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund, appeared on Meet the Press last week to announce that he was terribly sorry but he could only give compensation to homosexuals living in states which legally recognize gay partnerships. "I've got to rely on state law," he sighed to a simpering Tim Russert. Oh, wait a minute - he wasn't sorry at all. Funny that Fineberg doesn't seem to have a problem getting John Ashcroft to break federal laws so he can give checks to illegal aliens. I guess in Dubya's America, some victims are just more deserving than others. Sickening.

Paula Jones
Poor Paula Jones. She used to be the toast of United States Senators, opinion page editors, and independent counsels. Multi-millionaires showered her with money for cosmetic surgery and bankrolled her court cases. But now that the vast right wing conspiracy has no more use for her, Paula's gone from hero to zero. The former belle of the ball has been reduced to appearing in cheesy promotional stunts in a pathetic effort to extend her 15 minutes. Last week she went mano a mano with former figure skating thug Tonya Harding, on the FOX network's "Celebrity Boxing" program - placing her in the distinguished company of has-beens like Vanilla Ice, Danny Partridge, Greg Brady, and Willis from "Diff'rent Strokes." When it was all over, Tonya "TNT" Harding beat Paula "the Pounder" Jones in a TKO. Ah, schadenfreude.

The Florida DMV
If you want to get a vanity license plate in Florida, you've got to get the approval of the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles. In the last three years, the DMV has cancelled a total of 57 plates that they deemed "obscene or objectionable," including tags involving expletives or sex acts… and one tag with the word "ATHEIST." You heard me right… "ATHEIST." Fortunately, the decision was overturned, but not before the eeeevil ACLU stepped in. It would seem that the state of Florida is on a constitutional rights roll these days. First, they took away the right to vote, and then they decided that declaring one's religious affiliation is offensive. (To be fair, if you're a Republican, you've still got the right to vote, and if you're a Christian, you can still have a license plate that says "JESUS," so at least the Constitution still applies to respectable people.)

Saudi Arabia
This one goes well past the definition of "idiocy" and can simply be filed under "pure evil." Last week the BBC reported that the Saudi Arabian religious police deliberately prevented schoolgirls from leaving a burning building because they weren't wearing correct Islamic dress. Fifteen children died. Apparently one witness reported that policemen were "beating young girls to prevent them from leaving the school." Will the Bush administration speak out on this? Unlikely. They have too many irons in the Saudi Arabian fire (see Idiots 49) to admit that a government which allows these disgusting human rights abuses may not be our "allies." Absolutely disgraceful.

The Pentagon
Nine years after Bill Clinton tried unsuccessfully to open our armed forces to gays and lesbians, anti-gay hate is still alive and well in the United States military. According to a report by the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN), the number of people discharged for being gay has increased yet again, to 1,241 in 2001. Additionally, cases of anti-gay harassment in the armed forces increased 23% over the previous year, to 1,075. According to SLDN, the Pentagon and the Bush Administration has "virtually ignored" the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which calls for training about the directive, and they have "allowed a climate of pervasive anti-gay sentiment to fester and grow." The Pentagon isn't just fighting a war against terror, it's also terrorizing gays and lesbians.

Paul Harvey
And finally: We noted three weeks ago that the right-wingnuts lied when they said that Ken Lay slept in the Lincoln Bedroom when Bill Clinton was president (see Idiots 56). This complete and utter falsehood was conclusively proved to be VRWC baloney, reported as such throughout the media. But some right-wing shills are continuing to repeat this irresponsible lie as if it were fact. One of the most high profile of these shills is surely doddering newsreader and professional old bastard Paul Harvey, who last week forgot to take his Citrical and felt it necessary to tell the nation that Ken Lay had spent the night at the White House eleven times. Paul should fire his researchers, or at least whack them in the ankles with his walking stick. But then, since he was just repeating the story from the Washington Times who later retracted it, what do you expect. So anyway, we think we've discovered Paul's magic formula. Page One: Fox News. Page Two: The Washington Times. Page Three: Newsmax.com. Page Four: White House talking points. And that's the rrrrrrRREST....... of the story. See you next week!

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