The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 63)
April 15, 2002
Lott of Hot Air Edition

Trent tops the Lott this week, and it's good to have him back - although when it comes to playing the race card he faces some stiff competition from John Cornyn (2). The oh-so-liberal Media picks up the third slot this week as it becomes clear that the problem is much worse than we thought, while the Governor of Utah's son, Chase Leavitt (4) demonstrates how not to participate in a fight club (that's right - a fight club). Meanwhile, Katherine Harris (6) is back and up to her usual lying tricks, and Judge Connie Wilkerson (8) gives new meaning to compassionate conservatism. Roll up, roll up! It's the all-singing, all-dancing Conservative Idiots! (And, as usual, don't forget the key.)

Trent Lott
This one's a real stretch, even for our old friend Trent. Last week, Senate Democrats delayed action on the nomination of Miguel Estrada, a conservative Hispanic judicial nominee who has been tipped to go all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. This obviously pissed off the Mississippi Hair Helmet who hasn't had much luck with Democrats and judges recently. But what's the charge, Trent? Get ready to barf - according to Senator Moldy-locks, "They don't want Miguel Estrada because he's Hispanic." Poor Trent. As if being dethroned as Senate Majority Leader wasn't embarrassing enough, he now seems to be slipping deeper and deeper into insanity. I mean, we don't even need to point out that the Democrats have approved three of Bush's four Hispanic nominees to make the Rugmaster's desperate racism accusations look weak (not to mention tainted with the stench of arch-hypocrisy). Our prediction - Trent's gonna be "spending more time with his family" within six months.

John Cornyn
And while one face of the Republican party insists that Democrats are racist, another is insisting that they're not racist enough. The Republican nominee for a Texas Senate seat, John Cornyn, last week blasted the nomination of Democrat Ron Kirk - Texas's first black nominee for Senate. Why? Because the Democratic nominee for governor is Hispanic, and the nominee for lieutenant-governor is white. And according to the Dallas Morning News, Cornyn thinks that this amounts to a "crass appeal for racial bloc voting." But isn't this odd? I mean, if the Democrats happen to hold up the nomination of a Hispanic judge, that's racism. But if they happen to run a ticket which includes a white man, a black man, and a Hispanic man, that's "cynical" and "based on a racial quota system." So which is it, GOP? Do you want more or fewer racial minorities in positions of power? Tell you what, just get back to us when you've made up your confused little minds.

The Media
Ah, the media. So very biased in favor of the left. Jeez, you almost have to feel sorry for conservatives considering how little face time they get in the mainstream media. It must be a real struggle for the right-wing opinion to be heard when those rotten liberals have got all the major news organizations in their pockets. Which is why we were surprised by the results of a recent DNC study of CNN. Believe it or not, between January 1 and March 21 this year CNN carried 157 live events involving members of the Bush administration (96%) and 7 events involving senior Democratic officials (4%). And CNN aren't the only culprits. On March 20, for example, all the cable news channels ignored Democratic press briefings by Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt - despite the fact that the House was voting on the budget and the Senate was about to pass campaign finance reform. However, on that same day the networks did manage to squeeze in live appearances by George W. Bush, Ari Fleischer, John Ashcroft, and, of course, Laura Bush (for good measure). So don't worry folks, your Democratic leaders actually are working hard on your behalf, it's just that the "liberal" media would rather you not know about it.

Chase Leavitt
"Government alone cannot solve child abuse, poverty, juvenile crime, and the breakup of families. These are deep, structural, social problems. Part of the solution lies in the combination of individual responsibility and strong family life." So says Utah's Governor Mike Leavitt in his vision for strengthening families and fostering self-reliance on his very own website. Which is why we noted with interest a story titled, "Leavitt son faces charges" in last week's Deseret News. Yes, it appears that Chase Leavitt, 18, got into a spot of trouble with the police last December for, um, participating in a fight club held inside a Mormon church. Strange but true. Leavitt now faces a maximum of six months in jail and a $1,000 fine for battery, disturbing the peace, and trespassing. Duh... he obviously forgot the first rule of Mormon Fight Club - make sure your dad isn't the Governor.

Ken Lancaster
Alaskan State Rep. Ken Lancaster (R-Soldotna) doesn't like daylight-saving time - and who can blame him? After all, it's really confusing. Forward an hour, back an hour - whew, hard to keep on top of it sometimes. Which is why Rep. Lancaster is filing a bill to get rid of it in Alaska. He told the Juneau Empire that, "Twice a year everybody is late for work or forgets to set their clocks... This year it's on a Sunday, so everybody is going to be late for church." Twice a year everybody is late for work? Well heck, no wonder Lancaster is confused if he's setting his clock forward in the spring and fall. And what the doofus also seems to have forgotten is that the clocks change on a Sunday every year. So here we have the case of a State Representative who wishes to abolish daylight-saving time because it's confusing, although he is apparently setting his clocks forward on some undetermined weekday in the middle of October. Genius!

Katherine Harris
The former GOP belle of the ball seems to have been reduced to the status of gatecrasher. According to Florida's Herald-Tribune, she "showed up Wednesday night at the dinner featuring former US House Speaker Newt Gingrich. She was turned away by club President Marj Baldwin, who told her the event was sold out." But this apparently was not good enough for Harris, who then "tried to get into the event in the Michael's on East restaurant ballroom through an adjoining wine room." In her defense released a statement claiming that she is "not a sneak," although Marj Baldwin apparently "scoffed" at Harris because her press release was a pack of lies (surprise). So Katherine - you're not a sneak, eh? I expect you'd like us to believe that you remained completely impartial during the Florida recount and that you had absolutely no preference about who should be president too. We've heard it all before, darling.

Condoleezza Rice
Here's yet another great example of how George W. Bush's administration is changing the tone in Washington, ushering in a bold new era of bipartisanship and integrity. Last week Condoleezza Rice gave a Republicans-only security briefing, excluding House Democrats from the proceedings. Yup, it appears that this is the way it now works in Dubya's White House - only give information to half of the people's democratically elected representatives. Looks like the junta has given up even the slightest pretense of democracy and is now barreling headlong into that dictatorship Cokeboy seemed so interested in. Sigh.

Judge Connie Wilkerson
Want to see some of that good ol' fashioned compassionate conservatism? Then feast your eyes on Judge Connie Wilkerson of Mississippi. In a recent letter to the George County Times on the topic of gay marriage, Wilkerson wrote that, "In my opinion, gays and lesbians should be put in some type of mental institution instead of having a law like this passed for them," and that gay people should look for help with their "disease" in the Bible. He also referred to Romans 1:31 and 1:32, which says that those who break God's law and those who approve of those people are "worthy of death." But does this opinion affect Wilkerson's work? Why of course not! "I have no feelings against them," he offered by way of explanation. "That has nothing to do with my judging." Riiiight... so you don't have anything against gays per se, you just want to see them institutionalized, or, if possible, put to death. We're sure Dubya has already penciled this guy in for a Supreme Court slot...

Gale Norton
Remember the good ol' days when our Interior Secretary actually tried to protect the environment? Those days are long gone. Now that Oily Dubya and Halliburton Dick are in charge, the number one priority of the Interior Secretary (and everyone else in this administration) is drilling for crude. Interior Secretary Gale Norton will even break the law to do it. On the Department of Interior website there is a short video titled "ANWR in Winter." The video, produced by pro-drilling lobbyists, shows clips of a barren arctic tundra, which appears completely devoid of life. You see, Norton wants you to think "ice cube" not "baby caribou" whenever you think of ANWR. Unfortunately for Gale, it's illegal for agencies to distribute film "designed to support or defeat legislation pending before the Congress." But who cares about a little lawbreaking? After all, we're talking about oil!

D. Cameron Findlay
And finally: at a recent meeting of US Trade Representative Robert B. Zoellick's labor advisory committee, Zoellick went to great lengths to explain how important women's empowerment was to him, and unveiled a long list of programs to help women workers around the world. Very admirable. Next, he turned to Deputy Secretary of Labor D. Cameron Findlay for an explanation of how Trade Adjustment Assistance had too often been ignored. Findlay: "TAA is treated like a teenage girl in the back seat of a car. You promise her anything to get what you want. And then when you get it, you leave her." According to the Washington Post, "The group, including five women union reps, was stunned. A red-faced Zoellick put his hand on Findlay's arm and interjected: 'We still have some work to do with some of our colleagues.'" No kidding! See you next week...

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