The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 72)
June 17, 2002
Propping Up The Barr Edition

Bob Barr is a whining ass. And we can prove it - check out Bob's entry at the top of this week's list. The White House scrapes into second place this week with its lame-duck vandalism story, and Dubya (3) makes yet another appearance, this time for throwing the Bill of Rights out of the window (again). Meanwhile S. Vance Wilkins (5) loses his job, the Stockton Unified School Board (7) perform some serious boot-licking, Ohio State University (8) teach their students that it's not a good idea to protest a dictator, and Ernest Scott gets banged up, and for good measure. Have fun! (And as usual, don't forget the key.)

Bob Barr
Here it is folks - possibly the most egregious piece of conservative idiocy we have ever witnessed here at Democratic Underground. (And boy, have we seen some conservative idiocy.) Last week it was revealed that Bob Barr has filed suit against Bill Clinton, Larry Flynt and James Carville for - wait for it - "loss of reputation and emotional distress" during the impeachment debacle of 1998. Unbelievable but true. Barr is claiming "injury in his person and property," alleging that Clinton, Flynt and Carville conspired to "hinder [the plaintiff] in the lawful discharge of his duties." Now the poor guy wants $30 million to soothe his hurt feelings. Now, is it just us, or is this disgustingly frivolous lawsuit the height of pathetic hypocrisy? Hopefully Clinton, Flynt and Carville will slap counter-suits on Crybaby Bob's sniveling ass faster than you can say, "Screw you, Bob Barr."

The White House
Utter, utter, utter, utter morons. Remember the White House vandalism story? (See Idiots passim). Of course you do. Last week the GAO released its final report on the matter which basically said that the damage left behind by Clinton staffers was not much worse than the damage left behind by Bush staffers in 1993. Big whoop. The Bush White House is of course furious with the report, because they want everyone to know just what a big old meanie that rotten Bill Clinton was, and how horrible his staff were. The cost of damage was estimated at $13,000-14,000, but only if you include 62 new keyboards at $80 (yes, $80) each, and "professional cleaning" (as if they weren't going to have the White House cleaned anyway.) Meanwhile the investigation is estimated to have cost the taxpayer around $200,000, so we hope that the GOP shit-stirrers behind this are pleased with themselves. And isn't it funny that the administration will hand over reams of documents and make staffers fully available for something this petty (c'mon guys, I thought we were at war!), but when it comes to Dick Cheney's secret energy meetings: nothing. It's just more proof that Republicans will do anything to bring down the Big Dog, and screw morals and responsibilities. So much for "get over it."

George W. Bush
So, farewell then, Bill of Rights, it was fun while it lasted. The Bush administration announced last week that they'd - shock! - arrested a terrorist! And he was armed with - horror! - a dirty bomb! At least that's what you'd think if you read some of last week's headlines. It is true that they arrested a suspected Al Qaeda member a MONTH ago and decided to release the story last week as breaking news, meanwhile the dirty bomb was apparently still in the "discussion phase." Now if this guy is indeed a member of Al Qaeda who was in fact plotting to blow up a radiological device in a US city, then he should be thrown in the slammer for a good long time. But in this country we have (or we used to have) a little thing called "trial by jury" - you can find it in the Constitution under the Sixth Amendment. So how does this "justice" thing work under the Bush Police State? Abdullah al Muhajir, the aforementioned accused terrorist, is a former street thug who was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY, and is an American citizen. But he has been designated a "combatant" at the sole discretion of George W. Bush. Now he is being held at a secret location by the military, without access to a lawyer, and could remain there indefinitely - as in forever - without a trial. It's okay though - the terrorists hate us for our freedoms right? So the obvious answer is to just get rid of those freedoms altogether. Good thinking, George!

Grover Norquist
It was reported last week that Grover Norquist and "other prominent Republican lobbyists" have been working on a little report they call "The K Street Project." And what's the point of the K Street Project? Well, to make it easy for the White House and GOP lawmakers to ignore left-leaning lobbyists. Here's the deal: Norquist and his evil cohorts have been compiling a list big thick list of lobbyists' party affiliations and political contributions so that they can, according to the Washington Post, "deny government access and prime lobbying jobs to Democrats... The idea is to alert GOP officials and staff members to Republicans who 'deserve' such access and to Democrats who don't, said one lobbyist involved." Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) was understandably outraged, asking George W. Bush to condemn the project and telling the Senate that Bush "wanted to change the tone in Washington, but today we learn he's working in tandem with those keeping secret lists of people's personal activity." And in typically nonsensical fashion, Ari Fleischer responded thus: Bush has no plan to condemn the project because "he's not part of it." Fleischer, what on earth does that mean, you muppet?

S. Vance Wilkins, Jr.
Virginia's House Speaker S. Vance Wilkins Jr. made it on to the list in the number 7 spot last week after revelations that he paid $100,000 to stave off a sexual harrassment lawsuit. But he leaps two places this week after a second woman came forward and announced that Wilkins felt her up at a party six months ago. And lo and behold, the old pervert was forced to resign last week after GOP lawmakers lined up to take pot shots and call for his job. What is it with Republican House Speakers and illicit groping, anyway?

George W. Bush (again)
We should be all familiar with the Chimp's hilarious "trifecta" joke by now, when he said that only in times of war, as a result of a recession, or in times of national emergency would his administration run up deficits. (Guess what, he hit the trifecta. Ha ha.) But unfortunately for King George, he's been telling fibs about when he said it. See, Bush insists that he made his deficits prediction before his election, while he was campaigning. And the administration has been constantly giving the impression that this was Bush's position all along. Sorry - it's bullpoop.

Stockton Unified School Board
How's this for sucking-up? The Stockton Unified School Board voted 4-3 last week to become the first district in the country to name a school after Dubya. The name itself is actually quite endearing - George W. Bush Elementrary School does have a certain je ne sais quois. But unfortunately the school board wasn't doing it for the kids. One of the four (all Republicans) who voted for the name said that "I'll be honest: Choosing (Bush's) name is politically motivated, because I am a conservative... The best way for me to characterize my vote for George Bush is that is really for something bigger than George Bush. It's kind of an 'America now' vote. Through that vote, I was attempting in some way to articulate my patriotism, love of country, deference and respect for the current president and the huge task that faces him." Wow! Would you like a handkerchief to get some of that brown off of your nose?

Ohio State University
Throw some more grease on the slippery slope towards fascism: here comes George W. Bush to make the commencement address at Ohio State University. Students planned a peaceful protest; the idea was to turn and face in the opposite direction as Bush made his speech. But since the chimp is to be protected from dissent at all times, students were instructed via loudspeaker that, "all the university's speakers deserve to be treated with respect and that anyone demonstrating or heckling would be subject to expulsion and arrest," according to CBS News. Yep, expulsion and arrest. Land of the free, my buttocks.

Ernest Scott
And lookee: here's another great conservative morals and values story. Last week Republican City Councilman Ernest Scott Jr. of Norristown, PA, was arrested after 13 of his family's properties were raided. Why? Because the cops found "42 pounds of marijuana and $12,000 in cash, along with guns, jewelry, cocaine and 22 vehicles." Tsk! Those silly Republicans and their drug-running operations. When will they ever learn? Apparently some residents believe that the arrest was political, and that race was a factor because the Scotts are black. Although it could have been something to do with all the drugs and guns...

Karl Rove
And Finally, while the rest of us are busy worrying about the all-important War on Terror, it seems that Bush uber-advisor Karl Rove is fighting a war of a different sort. Last week he issued his call to arms: "This is a war, and we need to make an ongoing commitment to winning the effort to repeal the death tax." You read that right. Kinda cheapens all the "war" talk about Afghanistan and Al Qaeda, don't it? Gives you some idea where the Republican's values lie. While the sons and daughters of the poor and working class are putting their lives on the line in Afghanistan, Karl is fighting for a massive tax break for a group of people who don't know the meaning of the word "sacrifice." United we stand... Suckers. See you next week!

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