The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 51)
January 21, 2002
First Annual "Idiots of the Year" Edition

Take a walk down memory lane with the conservative idiots! In honor of the first anniversary of Democratic Underground, and the first anniversary of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots list, the editors of Democratic Underground have compiled the definitive list of conservative idiots for the year. The ten conservative idiots listed below are not necessarily the ones who chalked up the most appearances on our weekly list (although most of them were very high scorers in this regard). Rather, they were chosen because we felt that they set the standard for conservative idiocy for the year 2001. For each individual, we are rerunning one entry from our list that represents their contribution to the art and science of conservative idiocy. So, without further ado, we are pleased to announce the Top Ten Idiots of the Year for 2001. (Here's the the key to the icons.)

George W. Bush (44 appearances on the list)
August 20, 2001 (Idiots 32) — Just a few weeks ago George W. Bush insisted on adding a new item to the West Wing mess menu - peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (with three different kinds of jelly, naturally). But now the New York Daily News reports that Dubya will "not stop until he makes the mess look like the inside of a Sizzler steakhouse." Yes, peace in the Middle East may be a toughie, but when it comes to his lunch Dubya knows exactly where he stands. Last week he called for a salad bar to be installed in the mess, complete with a "see-through plastic sneezeguard." Perhaps he just wants to prove that, despite all appearances to the contrary, his policies are indeed more effective than wet lettuce. Or is there an ulterior motive for installing a salad bar? The New York Post revealed last week that Dubya never leaves home without a copy of his favorite book of all time, The Very Hungry Caterpillar (go here and search for "hungry caterpillar" for the story). Laura Bush claimed two years ago that the book was Dubya's favorite "from childhood," despite the fact that it was written in 1969, one year after he graduated from Yale. Anyway, according to the Post, Bush's handlers always have a copy of the book on hand, and he has been "spotted turning its pages" on trips to New Orleans, Phoenix, San Diego and elsewhere. So could it be that the secret motive behind Dubya's salad bar scheme is... to attract a very hungry caterpillar all of his own? Mr. Bush appeared in Idiots 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10 (twice), 11, 12, 14, 16, 17, 18, 20, 23 (four times), 24, 26, 27, 28, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 39, 42, 43 (three times), 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, and 50 (twice).

Dick Cheney (15 appearances)
October 15, 2001 (Idiots 40) — If it's brown-nose time for the pundits, it's brown-trouser time for the vice president. Last week, Dick Cheney was finally coerced out of the "secure location" where he has reportedly spent the last month cowering. And we thought Bush was the girly-boy in this administration. But no - it turns out that Dick Cheney's the real yellow-belly, hiding behind his mommy's skirts as hero George smokes the evil-doers out of their caves. We've heard nary a peep from lily-livered Dick since September 11, except when he coughed at Tim Russert a lot, and stood behind GW at a photo-op once. He looked a bit pale then if you think about it. Probably worrying about whether his adult diaper could take the strain I expect. So much for Dick Cheney being the brains behind Operation Enduring Freedom. Guess he's too busy sitting in a bunker somewhere sucking his thumb. Mr. Cheney appeared in Idiots 2, 3, 5, 6, 14, 15, 17, 20, 24, 27, 28, 32, 40, and 45 (twice).

John Ashcroft (12)
November 5, 2001 (Idiots 43) — I'd like something cleared up. Following the September 11 attacks, the FBI arrested and detained many suspects of Middle Eastern origin, and in some cases the suspects were denied lawyers and held for weeks before they were interrogated and cleared of suspicion. But Planned Parenthood recently received 250 letters in a two week period which contained white powder and the following message: "You have been exposed to anthrax. We are going to kill all of you. Army of God, Virginia DARE Chapter." The white powder in these letters is not anthrax (well, at least it hasn't been so far) but can someone explain to me why the FBI hasn't taken action against the Army of God yet? Last week they "indicated" that they would conduct an investigation - although obviously they're just too darn busy raiding medical marijuana clubs at the moment. Funny really - I seem to remember that during his confirmation hearing, John Ashcroft promised that he most certainly would not shirk his responsibilities when it came to protecting the legal rights (and indeed lives) of abortion clinic workers. Oh well, I suppose it's just another small drop in this administration's bucket of broken promises. But I still want to know - why did Ashcroft arrest anyone with a funny name and a swarthy complexion after September 11, but gave the Army of God's terrorist activities a free pass? Perhaps... God told him to do it. Mr. Ashcroft appeared in Idiots 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 12, 26, 29, 43, 44, 45, and 47.

Trent Lott (11)
June 4, 2001 (Idiots 21) — The Mississippi Hair Helmet was in full-on crybaby mode last week, blaming everybody but himself for Jim Jefford's courageous decision to dump the GOP. Trent called Jeffords' switch a "coup of one" that "trumped the will of the American people." I guess Trent got a slightly different vibe from the last election than I did. As far as I can tell, the American people were split pretty much evenly between the two parties for House and Senate, and the majority of votes for president went to the Democratic candidate - not exactly an overwhelming mandate for the extreme conservative agenda that Lott, et. al have been trying to foist upon the American people. And, Trent, baby, if you really want to throw around the word "coup," I might point out that Jim Jeffords never kicked thousands of eligible minority voters off of the voter rolls, never encouraged overseas voters to send in their ballots after election day, never engaged in a systematic effort to keep legally-cast votes from being counted. Oh, and one more thing: You lost! Trent Loserman! HA HA! GET OVER IT! Mr. Lott appeared in Idiots 4, 15, 20, 21, 22, 24, 27, 28, 29, 47, and 50.

Ari Fleischer (10)
June 11, 2001 (Idiots 22) — Despite tough odds, The Hatchet has managed to maintain his grasp on the number one spot. Last week he reached the top for his rather lame attempts to threaten the ex-Clinton staffers who wanted an after he lied about vandalism in the White House. "They are well advised to leave it alone," said Ari, explaining that, despite the Bush administration wanting to move on, change the tone, blah blah blah, etc. etc., he would soon be forced to reveal hard-core evidence of some major White House trashing. Finally, The Hatchet decided that enough was enough, and stunned reporters and pundits everywhere by releasing two shocking photographs of... a messy office. Oh, and a list of damage which he'd kept in his head but had unfortunately forgotten to turn over to the GAO because he accidentally didn't write it down or in fact collect any evidence to prove it had even happened in the first place. We await with bated breath the next thrilling chapter of "The Ari Fleischer Story." Next week: "No, seriously. They really are well advised to leave it alone," hinted Ari darkly, his bald head glistening slightly under the lights as he dangled a slightly frayed telephone cord before the panting reporters..." Mr. Fleischer appeared in Idiots 3, 12, 21, 22, 24, 27, 38, 39, 42, and 45.

Katherine Harris (11)
August 13, 2001 (Idiots 31) — Y'all are probably sick to death of Katherine Harris getting on the list (this is her fourth consecutive week) but like a remote-controlled boomerang attached to a bungee cord, she just keeps coming back. This week's truckload of lies comes courtesy of a report on the deleted files recovered from computers which Harris's staff had used prior to election day. Here's the poop - Harris maintained that at no time were any partisan activities conducted in the Secretary of State's office - a claim which has now been proven to be complete horsefeathers. The recovered files showed that - surprise - political work on behalf of George W. Bush was indeed conducted in Harris's office throughout the year 2000. Even more damning, investigators found a statement which called recounted Palm Beach County votes "unlawful" - BEFORE SHE EVEN RECEIVED THEM. Nutso Harris popped on the GOP blinders and released a statement last week saying that the investigations "prove that despite the innuendo and misinformation reported in the media, no partisan political activity transpired in my office during the recount period." HUH??? The phony quotables didn't stop there though. According to the St. Petersburg Times a spokesman for Harris said, "Her policy is no apologies, no excuses, no regrets." Yeah, no kidding. More spectacular lies from Harris: "I will not engage in these partisan politics. I never have," (Tallahassee Democrat). Or how about: "I am the least partisan person I know," (Pensacola News Journal). Hey Katherine, you can quote me on this - your lying ass needs to resign, pronto. Ms. Harris appeared in Idiots 1, 2, 4, 14, 25, 28, 29, 30, 31, 33, and 45.

Rush Limbaugh (10)
October 1, 2001 (Idiots 38) — It's good old Rush and his reliable sources. El Lumpo went on the rampage last week after ABC news anchor Peter Jennings accused President Bush live on air, September 11, for not returning to Washington immediately. Outraged, Rush pounced on his microphone like it was a double Whopper with cheese. "Little Peter couldn't understand why George Bush didn't address the nation sooner than he did," said the Tonnage On Loan From God, "and even made snide comments like, 'Well, some presidents are just better at it than others,' and 'Maybe it's wise that certain presidents just not try to address the people of the country.'" Rush went on to explain that Jennings was foolish, whining, babyish, and an example of liberals' unrealistic selfishness. It's a shame that Limbaugh went off on this tirade when the only evidence he had was an e-mail from a friend, because - surprise - it turned out to be completely false, and he had to make a full on-air retraction after ABC protested. Said Rush, "we will correct this and be upfront about it, so as to avoid any uncertain angst and unnecessary angst on the part of our colleagues at ABC." A bit late really, considering that Jennings had already received 10,000 angry e-mails and phone calls. My advice: Instead of hiring people to carry him to the bathroom, Rush should employ some researchers. Mr. Limbaugh appeared in Idiots 2, 3, 5, 7, 16, 20, 32, 38, 42, and 46.

Jerry Falwell (3) and Pat Robertson (5)
September 24, 2001 (Idiots 37) — Jerry Falwell: Ever the good shepherd, Jerry Falwell just could not resist the opportunity to use the September 11 tragedy for his own twisted ends. People were still reeling from the shock of it all when Falwell appeared on Pat Robertson's TV show The 700 Club and went off on a tirade against all things liberal. According to Falwell, the disaster occurred because God was displeased with feminists, gays, lesbians, abortionists, pagans, the U.S. courts, the ACLU and the People for the American Way. "I point the finger in their face and say, you helped this happen," he announced. For Falwell to even think of making such comments in the first place is sickening; to make them on behalf of a religion which is supposed to promote forgiveness, tolerance and compassion is despicable. But hey, this is America. The guy has the right to say whatever he likes, even if he is using the deaths of thousands of people to promote his own hateful, bigoted agenda. I wonder how Falwell feels about Mark Bingham - a gay man - one of the passengers who courageously helped to bring down the fourth plane before it could hit its target in Washington D.C.? On second thoughts, I don't want to know. Pat Robertson: Yeah you too, Pat Robertson. Don't think you're getting away it. Mr. "Oh, I agree." Mr. Falwell appeared in Idiots 9, 14, and 37. Mr. Robertson appeared in Idiots 7, 15, 25, 37, and 42.

Bill O'Reilly (7)
December 10, 2001 (Idiots 47) — Bill O'Reilly likes to tell his viewers that his television program is a "no-spin zone." It seems that he could also be calling it a "frequent-lapses-into-outright-lying zone." Last week, CNN's Bill Press exposed this egotistical blowhard for the lying fraud that he is. Press writes that after he appeared on "The O'Reilly Factor," O'Reilly was trumpeting what a fair guy he was because he let Bill Press, a liberal, on his show, but "you wouldn't see me on CNN." It seems that O'Lie-ly would have us believe that liberal CNN is afraid to have him as a guest. If only it were true. Says Press: "Last Spring, during a debate on the Don Imus show, my co-host Tucker Carlson invited O'Reilly to be a guest on CNN's 'The Spin Room.' He agreed. Then he ducked multiple requests and never showed." Caution: You are about to enter a no-spine zone. Mr. O'Reilly appeared in Idiots 8, 10, 23, 28, 31, 47, 49

The Media (4)
November 12, 2001 (Idiots 44) — We had to wait a year for the votes to get counted, but the results are finally in. Last night the official results of the Florida recount by the media consortium were released, and it looks like the winner is… (drumroll please) … Al Gore! It doesn't matter whether you count dimpled chads, hanging chads, or cleanly-punched chads - if you count every legally-cast vote in the state, Gore is the winner. But if you read any of the coverage of the story in the liberal media, you'd have to look pretty closely to get the facts. The headline on the Washington Post's website was: "Study Shows Recounts Would Have Elected Bush." The lead sentence in New York Times: "George W. Bush would have won even if the Supreme Court had allowed the statewide manual recount that the Florida court had ordered to go forward." And CNN: "Florida recount study: Bush still wins." All along, we thought that the point of the study was to determine who really won. In reality, they were just looking for another opportunity to kick Al Gore. Surprisingly, only Drudge got the story right: "Big Media Florida Database: Gore Topped Bush if all Under/Over Votes Counted; Legal Strategy Destroyed Chances." The Media appeared in Idiots 7, 8, 19, and 44.