The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 52)
January
28, 2002
Clinton Surplus ... Bush Deficit Edition
This week we celebrate the joys of fiscal irresponsibility. Why, here's George
W. Bush (1), topping the list for managing to get rid of the Clinton Surplus
within a year. Good job, George! We also have Arthur Andersen LLP (2) - ready,
steady, shred! And look, here's Jeb Bush (5), who, by any Congressional Republican's
definition, is raising taxes in Florida. Meanwhile, fundamentalism is
creeping elsewhere on the list, with the Penryn Police Department (4) deciding
that it's Christian to strike, and Pat Robertson (9) deciding that you're next,
San Francisco. Bwahaha! Finally, we're pleased to note that George W. Bush (8)
has made it onto the list twice this week, since we can't figure out whether
he's more comfortable sitting behind the wheel of a combine harvester or driving
the economy into the ground. Enjoy! (Here's the the key
to the icons.)
George
W. Bush 
Back when those fiscally-irresponsible, big-government, tax-and-spend liberals
ran the show, the federal government was running yearly budget surpluses stretching
into the future as far as the eye could see. Oh, what a difference a year makes.
After the Bush Recession and the Bush Massive Tax Giveaway to the Rich, we now
have the Bush Deficit. To be exact: the $127 billion surplus of 2001 has morphed
into a $106 billion deficit for 2002. The Washington Post called it "the
swiftest plunge in the nation's fiscal health in a half century." That's worse
than Bush I, and even worse than Mr. Budget Deficit himself, Ronald Reagan.
In fact, no lesser authority than the current White House budget director said
that the budget would be in deficit for the rest of President Bush's term.
So conservative ditto-monkeys, repeat after me, slowly: "Clinton Surplus … Bush
Deficit … Clinton Surplus … Bush Deficit … Clinton Surplus … Bush Deficit."
There. How does it feel to have your entire economic worldview come crashing
down in only one year?
Arthur
Andersen LLP
Two weeks ago we reported that the accounting firm Arthur Andersen LLP had destroyed
documents relating to it's client Enron. Since then it has become clear that
this wasn't just a routine house cleaning, but rather an orchestrated effort
to cover up the truth. It turns out that just two days after Enron announced
publicly that the Securities and Exchange Commission was mounting an informal
investigation of the company, an Arthur Andersen executive issued a frantic
memo demanding that employees work overtime in order to shred Enron documents.
This revelation came as David Duncan, the Arthur Andersen exec who handled the
Enron account, refused to testify before Congress about his role in the affair.
In another strange coincidence, it would seem that Nancy Temple, an attorney
at Arthur Andersen, sent out an email shortly before the infamous shredding
memo, reminding employees about the company's oxymoronically-named "document
preservation policy," which (conveniently) calls for a whole lot of document
desecration, ifyouknowwhatimean. Hmm. It makes me wonder what the "document
preservation policy" is over at the White House.
Thomas
White
The Boo-Freaking-Hoo-Of-The-Month Award goes to Army Secretary Thomas White,
a former Enron executive who last week revealed
that he had suffered "significant personal losses" since the company went into
bankruptcy. Wow - then surely Secretary White can relate to all the poor bastards
who toiled for Enron for years before losing their jobs and their retirement
savings! Why, he certainly can. I mean, sure it's true that White received $12.1
million when he was forced to sell his Enron stock before taking office last
year, but do you have any idea what the cost of living is for a man with
a seven-figure bank account these days? Goodness, there's the payments on that
nice new Jag, Beluga caviar doesn't come cheap, and since 9/11 it's been practically
impossible to hire illegal immigrants, you know. But despite the hardship
he must be facing, Secretary White is putting on a brave face. Responding to
an inquiry from Henry Waxman about his recent contacts with Enron, White wrote,
"The nature of both conversations was a concern on their part for the impact
that the bankruptcy of Enron may have had on my personal well-being. My response
in both cases was that I had suffered significant personal losses, but that
I would persevere." Woof. Thank goodness that our great army is led by a man
of such fortitude, strength, and courage-under-fire.
The
Penryn Police Department
So it seems that the police can now pick and choose whom they will serve and
protect. Last week Police Captain Robert Fichtorn of Penryn, PA, announced
that his eight-man force would not be directing traffic at the local YMCA triathlon
because - hold on to your hats - the club reads Harry Potter books to children.
"I don't feel right taking our children's minds and teaching them (witchcraft),"
said Fichtorn. Oh, well, that's fair enough then! Yep, no need to actually do
your job or anything like that. Kinda makes you wonder what will happen next...
can we expect to see the Penryn PD refusing to assist Jews? What about atheists?
Or will Robert Fichtorn only come to the aid of upstanding members of the community
who go to church once a week, hang the Ten Commandments from their rear-view
mirrors, and only engage in sexual intercourse for the purposes of procreation?
Incidentally, about 600 athletes will compete in the triathlon, although that
number is expected to swell to around 1,200 after you take looters into account.
See you there!
Jeb
Bush
For the last few weeks, President Bush has been slamming Democrats in Congress,
saying they want to "increase taxes" because some of them had the gall to suggest
that perhaps we should put the tax cuts on hold for a bit until we get our economic
house in order. Strangely, he hasn't been slamming his own brother — or
three other Republican governors — for doing exactly the same thing.
It would seem that poor Jebbie bit off a little more than he could chew with
his own compassionate conservative tax cut, and has created a miniature sunshine-state
version of the (above mentioned) Bush Deficit. When (surprisingly) Florida's
books didn't balance, Jeb did what he had to do. USA Today says he "signed
a bill depriving Floridians of $128 million in tax relief promised through mid-2003."
Hey, wait a minute, that's not Jeb's money! That's the taxpayers' money! How
can he raise taxes like this simply because the economic health of the state
is at stake? It's irresponsible!
Ari
Fleischer
Not that this is any big surprise, but Ari was caught
blowing smoke all over another big issue last week - we still find it incredible
that he can get away with such blatant bullpoop, but there you go. Ari's latest
indiscretion comes courtesy of some pointed questioning about Ken Lay's access
to the president. "The President thinks that access should be across the board,"
answered Ari. "And that's why the Sierra Club, for example, as you know, met
repeatedly with the energy task force." Well, uh, not quite, actually.
You see, Ari forgot to mention that the Sierra Club wasn't allowed to meet with
anyone from the White House until after the energy policy was written
and released, and even then, they were prevented from meeting with the full
energy task force. Meanwhile Ken Lay was treating Dick Cheney like a cheap hooker,
and the White House was busy writing "Enron" into every line of its energy policy.
Which was really smart, wasn't it? Ah yes, Ari, when all else fails,
simply compare the Sierra Club to Enron. That's bound to work every time.
You chump.
Linda
Chavez
And while Ari may be as predictable as ever, here's
a story which took us completely by surprise. If you recall, Linda Chavez was
given the boot before she could be confirmed as Secretary of Labor, because,
um, Dubya found out that she was employing an illegal alien as a live-in housework
slave. Shortly after that, Chavez appeared on CNN to bemoan her booting and
show what a compassionate conservative she was. "I think organized labor, I
think quite mistakenly, somehow thought that I was going to be their worst nemesis,"
she told Wolf Blitzer. "I think I would have actually been very helpful in trying
to bridge a gap that exists between the Republican Party and organized labor."
Funny then, that a recent fundraising letter from Chavez says that "big labor
has a radical socialist agenda." And in the letter, Chavez recalls that after
she was nominated, "members of the media were calling me Big Labor's Worst Nightmare.
And they were right!" Wow, didn't see that one coming, didja?! Chavez
goes on to compare labor boss John Sweeney to Osama bin Laden, and then complains
that "labor pulled out all the stops to defeat my nomination," which is odd,
considering her nomination didn't even get to the Senate. Linda darling, you
really must stop letting that little housework slave incident slip your mind,
otherwise you sound like you're blaming other people for your own problems.
How very un-Republican of you. Anyway, it sort of makes you wonder about all
the nice things that people like John Ashcroft and Gale Norton said in their
confirmation hearings, doesn't it? Because if Linda Chavez's example is anything
to go by, we're all in very, very deep doo-doo.
George
W. Bush (again)
A vicious struggle with a killer pretzel was clearly not enough to knock the
wind out of George's sails. Shortly after the now-infamous snack food incident,
our great president took a tour
of a John Deere farm machinery plant in East Moline, IL. Seemingly unfazed by
the nasty scrape (bruise? rug burn? dog bite? Laura bite?) Bush was clearly
delighted by the enormous combine harvesters. According to wire reports, "he
spent several minutes honking the horn and flashing the lights on one of the
company's trademark green and yellow combines." Now, we understand that Mr.
Bush may have been interested in a little horse-play for the cameras, but several
minutes? Surely that's the behavior of a man with a serious problem!
And just in case you need further evidence that the most powerful man in the
world seems to be reverting to childhood, we recommend that you study the following
photograph closely...
Pat
Robertson
Mad Pat is at it again. First he informed the world (or at least, that very
select and mentally-challenged part of the world which watches and enjoys the
"700 Club") that the attacks on America were all the fault of gays, atheists,
and abortionists. Then he tried to back away from the statements, saying that
his remarks were "inappropriate." But obviously not inappropriate enough, because
Pat has wheeled them out again. On the "700 Club" recently, Robertson, referring
to terrorists, said that, "I do believe that San Francisco is going to be a
target of these people." Yeah, yeah. San Francisco is going to burn in hell,
blah blah blah. You know, you'd think Pat would have figured out last time that
blaming terrorism on gays is really not a very good idea. Still, when you've
got a direct hotline to God (and, it would seem, Al Qaeda's advanced planning
team) then I guess you just can't be wrong.
James
F. Daigle, Jr.
And finally, here's
an interesting little story from Norwich, CT. A police officer named James Daigle,
Jr. - who also just happens to be chairman of the Republican Town Committee
- has been put on paid leave for taking topless pictures of women who had volunteered
to take part in underage drinking stings. On at least three separate occasions,
he apparently
told the volunteer that he had to take the pictures to show that they weren't
carrying identification or wearing a wire. Oh, and then he paid them $30 not
to tell anyone, so it was all obviously aboveboard and perfectly normal behavior.
Hmmm. Put this together with the accusations that Daigle was drinking on duty
while taking part in some of these stings, and you definitely have one of the
finer examples of modern-day compassionate conservative morals and values. See
you next week!