The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 61)
April 1, 2002
April Conservative Fools Edition

It's April Fools Day, and we've got 10 conservative fools right here! In the number one spot, we've got all of the Racist dittomonkeys who've been howling in pain because not one, but two black people won Oscars on the same night. Chuck Yob (3) shows that sexism is alive and well in today's GOP. Thomas White (4) takes a plane ride on the taxpayer tab. George Pataki and John Whitehead (8) shake down some businessmen for campaign cash, while Grover Norquist (9) takes a little cash from (alleged) terrorists. And bringing up the rear, we've got the grand pooh-bah of conservative idiots (can you guess who it is?). As usual, here are the icons.

Racist Dittohead Academy Award Crybabies
As African-Americans won Best Actor and Best Actress at the Academy Awards last week, conservative idiots across the country were all reading from the same racist talking points. It goes something like this: When white people win Academy Awards, it's because they earned it. But when black people win Academy Awards, it's because they're black. Never mind that many of these bigots didn't even watch the performances they were passing judgment on; since the actor in question was black, their achievement was obviously the result of quotas. Jesse Helms would be proud. (Cue video of Russel Crowe's white hands crumpling an envelope: "You needed that Academy Award and you were the best qualified. But they had to give it to a minority because of a racial quota.") Strangely, while these pundits were trying to downplay the accomplishments of these two black actors, they were also trying to claim credit where they felt it rightfully belonged. You see, Halle Berry isn't a real black person, but is only half-black. No doubt it was the white half that truly deserved to win the Oscar. Too bad the black half showed up to play the race card.

White House Officials
According to Matt Drudge (I know, I know) White House officials were "furious" last week after CNN reported that "the U.S. military needs more time to retool its ships, aircraft and weapons, restock munitions and to rest its troops." One official was particularly livid, saying, "This is one of the most unconscionable stories I've ever seen in my years in public life... How could CNN just tell the world how our troops now need a rest... The impression that has been left is: 'We are in retreat!'" Got that, CNN, you traitors? Besmirching the US military is going to give the terrorists ideas. But hang on there for just one minute - one of George W. Bush's campaign points was that "we are in retreat." In his nomination acceptance speech back in 2000, he told everyone that "We have seen a steady erosion of American power and an unsteady exercise of American influence. Our military is low on parts, pay and morale. If called on by the commander-in-chief today, two entire divisions of the Army would have to report ... Not ready for duty, sir." Still, it's not like the terrorists listened to Bush's repeated trashing of the military and actually did anything about it. Oh, wait a minute...

Chuck Yob
You've come a long way, baby! For those of you still clinging to the misconception that the Republican Party doesn't value its female members, consider this. According to Republican National Committeeman Chuck Yob of Michigan, the GOP is a strong supporter of women who run for elective office. In fact, Yob thinks they're particularly well suited to be secretary of state because "they like that kind of work." Our sources tell us that Yob was shocked to learn that secretary of state isn't actually secretarial work. "Well, then," he said, "perhaps they'd be better suited as nurse of state, housewife of state, or stewardess of state."

Thomas E. White
Army Secretary Thomas "Enron" White is a public servant, so why shouldn't he spend the public's money on things like, oh, I dunno, flying across the country to close on the sale of his house? Thomas White is currently in a spot of hot water over his ties to Enron - and when I say "ties," think BDSM - and is currently teetering on the brink of needing to spend more time with his family, if you know what I mean. So you'll be interested to learn that last week the multi-millionaire Army Secretary used an army jet to fly to Aspen, Colorado, and sell his $6.5 million, three-story house - all on the taxpayers' dime. Perhaps this will be the final embarrassing nail in White's career coffin, although considering the depth and breadth of this administration's corruption, he'll probably get a raise.

George W. Bush
Hypocrisy was dripping from the White House walls last week as Captain Unelected accused the Democrats of playing "petty politics." Why? The Democrats used their weekly radio address to suggest that Bush is trying to "curry favor with Latino voters." Which, to be fair, he is. But surprise! Petty politics were suddenly all the rage a couple days later, when Chimpy McCokespoon signed the long-awaited Campaign Finance Reform bill into law. Bush signed the bill in the Oval Office at 8am, with no fanfare, no news cameras, and no invitation to Senators McCain and Feingold, who co-sponsored the bill. McCain only found out about the signing when a low-level White House aide called him at home in Arizona. But of course, Bush wasn't playing petty politics. "The president is not a hypocrite," said a White House official. Yeah right, and Halle Berry's not black. Jeez.

The Administration
It's the moment you've all been waiting for! Last week the administration released 11,000 of 36,000 pages of documents relating to Dick Cheney's super-secret energy policy meetings. But if you were looking forward to an exciting smoking-gun denouement, then I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. You see, the administration thought it would be amusing to do a little editing to the papers before they were released, in some instances censoring entire documents except for the subject line. Take for example this email from James Duffield, an economist in the Agriculture Department's office that promotes ethanol and biofuels: "Joe, here's some comments. I haven't seen what the boys sent from Houston, so there may be some redundancy." Sadly the comments have been deleted, so we have no idea what the "boys sent from Houston." Although incidentally, the energy task force urged the promotion of ethanol and biofuels three months later. It's good that, as promised, the Bush administration is avoiding even the appearance of impropriety...

FOX TV
Hey, did anyone catch Bill O'Reilly's fantastic piece of tele-journalism, "The Corruption of the American Child" last week? Wow, that was some hard hitting stuff. I had no idea that kids liked rock music and violent movies, and it was amazing how many sexy film clips they managed to squeeze into an hour. Just to make their point, of course. But I was particularly interested in the segment about online porn. You see, it turns out that it's actually masturbation that's leading this country down the slippery slope of moral decay, and finding porn online just takes a few clicks of the mouse. But then, FOX TV should know all about that, since their employees apparently spend all day surfing for smut instead of actually working. Yes, the Village Voice reported last week that "managers not only watched porn on company time but treated subordinates with 'brazen and vicious disrespect,' including making rude sexual comments to women and to men about their wives." So maybe Bill O'Reilly is right after all. Unless of course it's just working for FOX that turns you into an ass.

George Pataki and John Whitehead
We all agree that rebuilding lower Manhattan after 9/11 is our patriotic duty. Sadly, certain members of the New York Republican party are using it as an opportunity for a GOP campaign donor shakedown. (Wave those flags!) Governor George Pataki has tapped John Whitehead to lead the Lower Manhattan Development Corp., which will hand out big-bucks contracts to rebuild downtown New York. Now, guess who is lending his name to a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser for Governor Pataki? John Whitehead! According to an anonymous businessman, "you don't have to be a political genius to know that if you're interested in doing business with Whitehead's agency and you get an invitation like this, you're expected to kick in some cash." Ah, Republicans - true champions of free and open markets.

Grover Norquist
Last week the FBI targeted the Safa Trust, a Saudi-backed charity, in an anti-terrorist raid. Embarrassingly, the Safa Trust is also known for its substantial financial support for the US-based Islamic Institute, which was created to build support for Republicans. The UK Guardian reports that the Institute "helped to arrange meetings between senior Bush officials and Islamic leaders" through the services of conservative activist Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform. In fact, Norquist and the Institute are so lovey-dovey that they share an office. Whoops! No doubt, Bill Bennet and his Americans for Victory over the Constitution, er, I mean Terrorism (see Idiots 59) will be all over Norquist's anti-American ass. Yeah, right.

Dan Quayle
And finally, the former vice-president and Dubya-prototype Dan Quayle was back in the news last week when the former Prime Minister of New Zealand, David Lange, claimed that New Zealand's anti-nuclear stance once made him an assassination target. Apparently Lange told NZ's ONE News that there was "personal pressure" on him from Dan Quayle: "There were veiled threats, there were specific threats that were made to other countries... it was announced to the Australian cabinet at one stage that I would have to be liquidated." Fortunately for David Lange, he had some good advisers. "I enquired of our security sources and was told I shouldn't regard it as a credible threat because the vice president wasn't regarded as credible." Well - they got that right! See you next week!