The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 69)
May
27, 2002
Out Of Harm's Way Edition
Three cheers as Dubya sits atop the chart for a second week running. Turns
out that even he admits that his little jaunt across the country on September
11 was the act of a chicken. Not too shabby. Dick Cheney returns to the chart,
bringing his wife Lynne along for the ride (2), and John Ashcroft holy rolls
his way into the number three slot. But who's this? Why, it's Laura Bush (4),
making her debut appearance on the Top Ten list. Congratulations Laura! In fact
it seems that we're all about first families this time around, as the First
Family of Texas slips into sixth place. Bringing up the rear we have Time
Magazine (7) licking the boots of Ari Fleischer, the Michigan Republican
Party (8) cheating their way through election season, and Dick Armey (9) just
being completely and utterly despicable. (Don't forget the key.)
George
W. Bush
According to the GOP, the infamous
Bush-9/11 exploitation photo they were hawking for cash demonstrated "the
gritty determination of our new president." But believe it or not, in an
interview last week for German television Dubya revealed
what was really going through his mind as he sat safe and sound on Air
Force One. "I was concerned about things like, is my wife safe? You know, I
was worried about that. I was worried about things such as my parents. I was
worried about my [twin] girls....I mean, I was trying to get out of harm's way."
Trying to get out of harm's way? There were a lot of people worried about
their families on September 11, but let's face it - most of them weren't flown
"out of harm's way" when they should have been leading the country.
Not that Bush is particularly worried about the servicemen and women he's currently
putting in harm's way in Afghanistan, of course. So: gritty determination?
Or pant-pooping yellow-bellied cowardice? We report, you decide...
Dick
and Lynne Cheney
And so George W. Bush is running scared. Unable to come up with a coherent (or
honest) response to the explosive allegations that he had advance warning of
the 9/11 attack, George did the same thing he always does when he gets in a
bind… He sent in Dick Cheney to do damage control. Too bad Pacemaker Boy (or
his wife) couldn't come up with a coherent response either. So they used the
classic Bush Administration fallback plan: Get offended that your opponents
would even dare to ask questions. "When members of Congress suggest that
the president of the United States had foreknowledge of the attack on September
11th, I think that's outrageous, that is beyond pale," Cheney said.
"Somebody needs to say, that ain't criticism, that's a gross outrageous political
attack, and it's totally uncalled for." Dick later trotted out his wife to echo
the sentiment, "To suggest that any president would have information that he
could have acted on to prevent Sept. 11 and not acted is absolutely beyond the
pale." So let me get this straight: Knowing about 9/11 beforehand, and doing
nothing, is perfectly acceptable. But asking questions about it is beyond
the pale. Welcome to Bush's America.
John
Ashcroft
As Americans continue to wonder what went wrong before 9/11, it is becoming
increasingly clear that Attorney General Ashcroft dropped the ball last year.
It's seems that Holy John was spending way too much of his time and energy on
his two pet issues: (1) providing greater access to firearms for America's criminals,
and (2) sticking his nose in other people's private business, especially when
it relates to sex and drugs. According
to the UK Guardian, on September 10, Ashcroft submitted requests for
budget increases in 68 programs, none of which were related to terrorism. A
memorandum from the same time outlined his seven priorities, none of which was
fighting terrorism. He even turned down an FBI request that hundreds more agents
be assigned to counter-terrorism efforts. Interestingly, by mid summer Ashcroft
had become concerned enough with the threat of terror attacks against himself
that he had stopped using commercial airlines, and instead chartered a private
jet to travel around the country. This, of course, is becoming a theme for this
administration: Screw the American people, but get your own ass "out
of harm's way."
Laura
Bush 
Never fear folks, our problems with NATO are solved! Yes, Laura Bush, our esteemed
First Librarian, is making great strides in the arena of foreign policy - meeting
last week with Czech President Vaclav Havel. According
to the UK Guardian, Laura and Vaclav spent 30 minutes discussing the
November NATO summit "at a candlelit table in his presidential office."
How romantic! But as it turned out Laura was more than a match for President
Havel when it came to topics such as Russia's potential for inclusion in NATO.
After the meeting, she told reporters that, "I think, actually, his viewpoint
is also what President Bush thinks - that Russia can be a nice ally to NATO,
but not necessarily a member." That's nice!
House
Republicans
House Republicans think it's a disgrace that anyone should use the war for partisan
political purposes, but ended up wrapping themselves so tightly in the flag
last week that their brains started to squeeze out of their ears. Working on
a policy of lowering taxes, increasing spending, and borrowing, borrowing, borrowing,
the GOP last week attempted
to force an increase in the federal debt ceiling into an anti-terrorism bill.
Now that's what I call fiscal responsibility! House Democrats opposed
the measure, but Republicans decided to play the terrorism card by accusing
Democrats of holding up spending on the military - not that they want to use
the war for partisan political purposes, you understand. "American soldiers
are dying, unfortunately," sniffed House Appropriations Committee Chairman C.W.
Bill Young (R-Fla.). "We are going to move this bill to completion." And move
it they did - the GOP defeated Democrats' attempts to stop the measure by 215-203.
Our sentiments echo those of Rep. John F. Tierney (D-Mass.) "The majority wrapped
this bad act in the flag... and brought it here hoping Americans would be distracted
by the waving of the flag. It's a disgrace." That's Republicans for you, John...
The
First Family of Texas 
What do you do if you're a 15-year-old girl who really really wants a
driver's license like right now without having to wait until you turn
16? Well if your daddy's the governor of Texas, it's simple. The Dallas Morning
News reported
last week that Sydney Perry has been given a special driver's license after
her mother indicated that their family faces "unusual economic hardship." Apparently
young Sydney needs the license to get to school, and to drive to a summer job
(despite the fact that Rick Perry has Department of Public Safety drivers at
his disposal). The first family's economic hardship must be quite unusual
- Perry makes $115,000 a year, and the DPS must find that failure to grant the
license "will result in an unusual economic hardship for the family of the applicant."
So Sydney's job must be quite something if she's going to be keeping the Perrys
afloat this summer. Halliburton CEO perhaps? I mean, it can't be that she just
wants the license to impress her friends...
Time
Magazine
This
week's award for Most Sycophantic Piece of Brown-Nosed Buttock-Fondling goes
to Time Magazine for their fawning write-up
of Ari Fleischer's performance last week. Ari was Time's Person of the
Week for "having one tough week - and not really deserving it... It would
be a hardhearted newsman who didn't feel just the slightest twinge of sympathy
for White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer Wednesday night as he took the
withering first wave of Washington's latest 9/11-related feeding frenzy."
Uh-huh. Of course one could make the argument that since this is the first time
in a year and a half that Ari's actually had to answer any real questions,
we really shouldn't be feeling that sorry for him. Unless of course you
like to pretend that one of the administration's most egregious liars and partisan
hacks is a poor, sad fellow deserving of sympathy. Thanks, Time.
The
Michigan Republican Party 
It's an election
year, which could only mean one thing: Republicans are cheating again. From
Michigan comes the latest offense from the GOP Dirty Tricks file. It appears
that the Michigan GOP has planted eight fake Democratic candidates on this year's
primary ballot to challenge legitimate Democratic candidates for state senate.
The two public notaries who certified the eight fake
candidates work for (surprise!) two Republican state senators. One of the
candidates was an 18-year-old kid who was talked
into running by a group of Republicans. Apparently he thought he was signing
up as a Republican. It appears that the kid filled out the entire form except
the space for party affiliation, which had the word "Democrat" scrawled in someone
else's handwriting. When the poor kid was asked who talked him into running,
all he could come up with was the name "Pete" and a phone number in Lansing,
the state capital. Turns out the number was for the Senate Majority Communications
Office, which just happens to have a staffer named Pete. (Incidentally, Michigan
law forbids the use of government facilities for political work - Whoops!)
So, looks like the GOP's been busted for fake candidates in Michigan. Now, if
they could only do something about the fake President in the White House.
Dick Armey 
The United States Senate unanimously passed legislation to provide federal death
benefits to survivors of ten fallen heroes from the 9/11 tragedy. The bill was
named for Father Mychal Judge, the gay chaplain who died while administering
last rites to a firefighter in the World Trade Center. While the Senate did
the right thing, bigoted Republicans in the House, led by Dick Armey, couldn't
stand the thought of providing assistance to surviving family members of gays
and lesbians. The bill cleared the House Judiciary Committee, but Armey pulled
it before it could come up for a vote on the House floor. Apparently it
would set a bad precedent to show a little conservative compassion to all
the dead heroes of 9/11. The message from Dick Armey is, United we stand…
Unless you're gay, in which case we don't give a shit that you made the ultimate
sacrifice in order to protect your fellow Americans. Absolutely sickening.
George
W. Bush (again)
And finally, it would appear that our great leader George W. Bush has finally
fallen under the spell of former KGB chief Vladimir Putin. It was only last
year that George stared into Vlad's eyes and caught a glimpse of his soul, but
he doesn't seem to be able to get the incident out of his mind, the poor, lovesick
dunderhead. And last week it was revealed
that Bush has a new nickname for his beloved - he now refers to the Russian
leader as "Pootie-Poot." We're not sure what Pickles makes of this,
but we suspect that her recent candlelit dinner with Vaclav Havel may not
have been an in-depth discussion of NATO policies, as advertised, but instead
a cry for help - a way to make hubby jealous. "George, I'm a woman,
for god's sake, with feelings. I wanted you to keep your hands off that
ex-KGB whorebag, but you wouldn't listen! And now it's too late!" Yup,
whether it's Dubya and Pootie-Poot or Pickles and Vaclav, this nail-biting story
of love, romance, and top-level Eastern-European shagging is keeping us on the
edge of our seats. See you next week!