The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 71)
June 10, 2002
Anonymous Republican Coward Edition

Something strange has happened this week. We don't actually know the identity of the person in the number one slot, although we do know the person is a Republican, and we know it's a United States senator. Next on the list is Dick Cheney (2) who seems to have an affinity for coke users. Gubernatorial candidate Mitt Romney (4) is busted in a $54,000 lie. Meanwhile, Tom Delay (5) embraces the Conservative News Network, Dr. Laura dreams about the White House, and S. Vance Wilkins Jr. (7) dreams about groping young women. Bringing up the rear, our old friend Michael Bloomberg (9) hits the links, and Bill Simon (10) gets caught making charitable contributions to himself. (Don't forget the key.)

An Anonymous Republican Senator
George W. Bush and the Republicans have been publicly positioning themselves as tough, no-nonsense warriors in the fight against the enemies of Truth, Justice, and the American Way. And as proof of their own virtue, they've been calling the rest of us dangerous partisans, or worse, outright traitors. Of course, when they are not under the bright spotlight of public scrutiny, they don't care quite as much about homeland security as they claim. Since 9/11, it's become painfully clear that America's security apparatus, including the FBI and other law enforcement agencies, is in desperate need of an overhaul. But after a bill to reform the FBI was unanimously passed by the Senate Judiciary Committee, an anonymous Republican senator put a secret hold on the legislation, effectively killing the bill. Some say it's payback for the defeat of Bush judicial nominee Charles Pickering. If this is true, the anonymous Republican senator is willing to put the lives of Americans at risk in order to score a few partisan political points. Shameful. But don't expect Dubya to be browbeating this GOP coward. These days, it's only PC to call Democrats un-American.

Dick Cheney
Dick Cheney has invited a convicted cocaine user to join him for a special private dinner in Washington, DC. And, no it's not the cocaine user you are thinking of… He was never convicted, and he never actually admitted to even using cocaine, so stop saying that. The cocaine user in question is actually a man by the name of Robert H. Kirkpatrick. Cheney invited him to DC "to serve as a special representative of St. Clairsville, Ohio," at a private dinner with the Cokehead in Chief. Funny, Mr. Kirkpatrick isn't actually from Clairsville - he's a Canton, Ohio native who's in Clairsville doing hard time at the prison there. Oh, but this is really an honest mistake on Cheney's part. These days, it's hard to keep track of which cocaine users are in prison, and which are in the White House!

The Bush Administration
Here's another great idea from the up-is-down, black-is-white administration. Democrats in Congress have proposed a plan which would prevent US companies from dodging taxes by moving overseas. But Dubya and his evil minions won't hear of it. Last week they told Congress that not allowing companies to reap the benefits of the American market while also conveniently not having to pay American taxes would have "harmful effects on the US economy." Translation - Bush&Co. don't want to piss off their fat-cat buddies. Hey, you can't be president forever, and when you retire what better job than twit-in-charge of some tax-free mega-conglomerate. Screw the American public - you've been working for them, haven't you? Time for them to give something back!

Mitt Romney
What's the best characteristic a man should have if he wants to become governor of Massachusetts? Character? Fortitude? Intelligence? The ability to tell such hamfisted lies that everyone catches you out and humiliates you in public? If you're Mitt Romney, the answer is D. Apparently the Massachusetts Constitution says that you have to be a resident of the state for each of the seven years leading up to your election. And - oh dear - between 1999 and 2001, Mitt Romney listed his home in Utah as his primary residence on his tax forms. He got a nice $54,000 tax break out of it, too. But now Mr. Romney is looking a tad foolish - because the day before this information came out, he lied to reporters at a press conference, telling them that he filed in Utah and Massachusetts. You see, it turns out that he amended his 1999-2000 tax returns to show Massachusetts as his primary residence a week after he announced his candidacy. So - not exactly true then, eh Mitt? Romney could turn this first-class idiocy to his advantage though, if he hasn't ruled out running for governor of Utah in 2004. So whichever way he chooses to twist the truth, everyone's a winner with Mitt Romney's Flexible Residency Circus o' Bullpoop!

Tom DeLay
Stop Press! CNN is no longer politically unbalanced! At least, that is, according to ex-cockroach wrangler Tom Delay. (Although considering who he has to whip into shape, perhaps "ex" is too strong a word.) Last week, according to Roll Call, Delay "expressed appreciation that CNN has been willing to listen and improve its ideological balance." Thank God for that! We were worried that CNN was getting too liberal - I swear Bill Schneider and Wolf Blitzer almost took their noses out of Dubya's butt last week. But if Tom thinks it's fair and balanced, well that's good enough for us! If Tom DeLay, the very epitome of middle-of-the-road America, Mr. Moderation Personified, is convinced that something is "balanced" - you can be sure that it's balanced.

Laura Schlessinger
Hang onto your morals, readers - "Doctor" Laura is comin' atcha! "You realize the two of them [Bill and Hillary Clinton] are perverse, disturbed and destructive. And immoral... this is what happens when you have such ferocious bias in the media and only one picture is painted," opined the professional meddler to her 15 million avid robot listeners last week. "If Hillary runs, I'm going to feel a need to run against her," she added. Run, Laura, run! Call us old fashioned, but we think that the candidate with the best chance is probably the one who doesn't have nudie pics plastered all over the Internet. Won't somebody think of the children?

S. Vance Wilkins, Jr.
From the conservative moral values file: Last week the Washington Post reported that the Speaker of the Virginia House of Delegates paid more than $100,000 to settle a sexual harassment claim filed by a 26-year-old woman who worked in the same building. The woman alleged that the 65-year old S. Vance Wilkins, Jr., had sexually accosted her several times, groping her and pinning her against office furniture. The disgusting perv then tried to keep the woman silent by telling her that nobody would possibly believe such a thing about the Speaker of the House. Oh, please. That argument worked really well for Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood, too. What the hell is wrong with these people? For some reason, they think they've got the right to tell consenting adults how to live their lives. But behind the scenes it seems like they're all running around harassing women and molesting little children.

George W. Bush
George W. Bush once famously announced that he would leave no child behind. Unfortunately, he must have been talking about rich, privileged Western kids - and all the rest can just stay right where they are, thanks very much. See, more than 2.2 million people, the majority of which are children, die every year in the Third World from a variety of diseases caused by lack of sanitation. The UN reckons that that number could drop by 75 percent if clean water and sanitation were provided. Which is why a plan to aid 1.2 billion people without sanitation will be put in front of the World Summit for Sustainable Development in Johannesburg this August. But don't get too excited - George W. Bush is blocking the plan, according to the UK Independent. Why? Apparently a British delegation met US officials last week but "did not receive any clear reason for their objection." Well, gee, the reason wouldn't have anything to do with them being uncaring, heartless bastards would it? Of course not.

Michael Bloomberg
Back in April the bumbling billionaire mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, set a deadline of last Wednesday to pass the city budget, and close a multi-billion dollar shortfall. But when the deadline came, the mayor blew off the city council and went golfing instead. "While he's doing 18 holes, we're occupied with one hole: a $6 billion hole," said an aide to the city council, referring to the budget shortfall. Rather than interrupt his game, the mayor's office requested a one-week extension, which the council granted. Typical Republican. While the rest of us are busy actually working to keep this country afloat, they're all off at the country club playing golf, counting their money, and sipping mint juleps. Fore!

Bill Simon
And finally: The millionaire GOP candidate for the governorship of California, Bill Simon, first demonstrated his political credibility by not releasing his tax returns to reporters. His refusal to follow this customary practice raised a few eyebrows and drew some fire, but the best was yet to come. See, while Simon had every right to refuse to release his personal tax returns, he couldn't protect the tax returns of his family's nonprofit foundation. And those returns, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, reveal that "a substantial amount of money earmarked for charitable purposes ended up at Simon's private investment firm." How bizarre! Of course, there's absolutely no wrongdoing, as usual. Yes, despite the fact that "money managers and accountants with experience in this area" think that there's something "fishy" going on, "any characterization that the foundation was somehow enriching Bill is totally untrue," said a spokesman. So there. It must have been an unfortunate accounting error... or... something. See you next week!